Here it is, the swansong of the It's Alive franchise. It's Alive! 3: Island of the Alive is a very '80's, very silly horror flick. It begins with a woman in a taxi, about to give birth. It's a generic "dark and stormy night" scenario, and the driver of the cab demands that a street cop help out with the delivery(incidentally, neither the cop nor the cabbie seem to be looking at each other during this scene...the angles are just kind of "off"). We all know, of course, what's about to happen...
So, after the woman begins thrusting her hips up and down(is she having the baby, or making it?), she pulls up her shirt to reveal a bloody basketball under her shirt. Seriously, I haven't seen a pregnancy so fake since Debbie Rowe met Michael Jackson. In a weird way, it reminded me of the decapitation scene in Chopping Mall, where I swore that I saw watermelon seeds flying out of the "exploding head". Eh, whatever--rookie cop fires away at the baby, and we're OFF!!
Our favorite monster-baby hunting cop, Perkins, returns in this film. He is called to the scene because of his experience with Mutant Muppet Babies. I guess he's the guy you want when there's a baby to shoot. Anyway, he and some backup officers find the baby by following a trail of blood into a church. They discover the baby, dead, after apparently trying to perform a self-baptism. Under a scene depicting cherubs and angels. Very subtle.
The credits start rolling, and right away we're in trouble. The credits are rolling over what resembles a lava lamp spill. The cast includes Karen Black, a completely off-the-wall Michael Moriarty, and the always-great Gerrit Graham(seriously, go watch CHUD 2 and the 1-season TV series "Now and Again", and bask in his greatness as a comedic actor. I'll pause the review 'til you're done.).
Okay, so now we're in court. A judge is hearing the pros and cons of mujrdering the Monster Muppet Babies, and the judge is teetering verrrrrrrrrrrry close to letting them commit mass infanticide. Frustrated by how things are going, Jarvis, the father of one of the babies and a failed actor, tries to show the court a different aspect of the monsters' personalities. Moved by what he sees, the judge decides that, while the mutant babies can live, they should be shipped off to an island near Cuba, away from other humans.
Oh, and there's a pointlessly long-winded scene where Karen Black and Jarvis have a confrontation in a bar. At one point, you can actually see her brain explode, when a plume of smoke rises from her head. Seriously. Deep thought makes her head smoke. Jarvis then shares a few awkward moments with a hooker, and humiliates himself at a party.
There's a (mostly) pointless sequence where a guy who looks EXACTLY like Michael McDonald's swinger character from "MADtv" is leading a small group of hunters to the island to kill the babies. The hunt is, of course, sponsored by the drug company from the previous films. Wanna guess how successful they are?
Anyway, cut to four years later: the proud papa is working at a shoe store when he is approached by Perkins. There's going to be an expedition to the island, to see how the mutants have developed in the last four years. Basically, if you've ever seen the Jurassic Park sequel, The Lost World, you've pretty much seen this film. Still here? Okay...after several silly, joke-y scenes on a boat, the crew arrives at Baby Island.
The crew consists of about 6 people: there's Jarvis, of course; Perkins; the token female; and a handful of generic "guys with guns and equipment". Jarvis sneaks off and tries to plea with the monsters to let them leave alive, but the hunters find him and force him to help in the search. Bad idea.
The babies terrify them, and kill about 3 or four of the "professional hunters", for food. Jarvis and Perkins get back to the yacht, only to discover that some of the babies made it there first, killing the crew. Freaked out, Perkins falls overboard and swims back to the island. This leaves Jarvis alone with the killer babies. Good news, the mutant son he had is protecting him from the others. The bad news, he gets thrown overboard anyway, and picked up by Cubans who assume he's a spy.
They hear his story, and eventually believe him. Of course, the news about the discovery of the boatful of corpses helps lend authenticity to his story. They bring him to Florida, which has become a Mad Max movie for some reason. Jarvis realizes the babies are on a killing spree, and goes back to the club where his ex works. She's been kidnapped, and the search begins!
The babies find her before Jarvis does, but he arrives at her apartment with a gun. He tries to reason with them, but the cops are all set to open fire. There's a very cheezy massacre scene, and a revelation: the mutant babies are dying. Mumps. Jarvis, his ex and their baby escape, steal a car, and decide to be a family. There's a lot of fake laughter, followed by a twist so unsurprising I don't think I even blinked. This one gets 4 outta 5 baby-eating trees, for the sheer batshittedness of the movie, and Moriarty's crazy performance. 1980's drugs looked like fun.
So, what did this slasher flick teach me?
-when babies age, they don't bcome children, but bigger babies. Take THAT, science!
-In the '80's, Michael Moriarty did a LOT of drugs when deciding which movies to make.
-babies, especially 4 year old babies, prefer to eat human flesh and wear the clothes of their victims.
-I can sit through anything twice...(fell asleep the 1st time I put this DVD in, during the early boat scenes)
Next week: NO killer babies!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Unless something cataclysmic happens(like someone gives me another killer-baby movie to watch), I'll be seeing The Hills Run Red. Sounds like one of those "Asylum Mockbuster" versions of The Hills Have Eyes, but maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised...