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Saturday, September 24, 2011


This week's SAW is a classic example of late-'80's slasher fun...I hope. I saw it back when it went to video, and really only remember bits and pieces of the film. Hopefully, it has some interesting kills to keep me watching. Oh yeah, and this is my usual SPOILER warning, in case you didn't know that you were reading a blog where some guy writes down everything as it happens onscreen. That being said, let's watch Slaughterhouse!

Okay, so the movie begins with a couple in a car, looking for a good make-out spot. Their names are Dave and Sally: he's a deputy, and she's his girlfriend. Dave has driven her to a prime location for necking, only to find a couple of vehicles have arrived before them. According to Deputy Dave, the jeep belongs to a guy named Skip, and there's a Mustang that belongs to another teen named Kevin.

Sally wants to get right down to business, but Dave is suspicious about the 2 cars being unoccupied, and declares that he'd rather check them out first. He pulls the car up to the vehicles, and almost immediately, he and Sally can see and hear a couple of teens running and screaming in the distance. When another guy sprawls out over the windshield, it turns out to be a prank. 6 "teens" emerge from the dark, claiming that they're rehearsing for some kind of amateur horror film. School's out, so they're using the free time to apparently frighten local lawmen.

There's Liz, a frizzy-haired brunette, who also happens to be the budding filmmaker of the group; Kevin, who sort of resembles a bargain-basement Doug Flutie; Skip, a very goofy, laid-back dude; Annie, another brunette who is cuter than the square-jawed Liz; and others, who apparently weren't named yet in the script. (Okay, I cheated and found out that the 3rd guy is named Buzz. Whoopie.)

Anyway, Kevin(or maybe Skip?) and his girlfriend, Annie(?), decide to stay behind at the old, abandoned-looking pig farm(I wish I were joking...), while the others drive away. They play the world's shortest game of hide 'n' seek(and he keeps saying "Bobo!" over and over again(maybe he was a fan of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 during its run on SyFy), then they find an enclosure filled with squealing pigs.

John Doe gets his hands on a shovel, and decides that it would be fun to agitate the pigs by striking the chain-link fence with the shovel. The sound not only gets the pigs upset, it also catches the attention of an unseen stalker.

The person uses a meat cleaver to cut a slice out of John Doe's face, then goes after Jane Doe. She climbs aboard an abandoned-looking bus, and then we get our first look at the killer...he's a beefy guy in overalls, with a beard and long, greasy hair. Oh, and he can't speak, so he makes grunts and squeals, like a pig. Yeesh. Villain, I dub thee "Porky". Live with it. Even if I find out his name, he's Porky.

Anyway, the bus. Porky starts to swing his weapon around at random, breaking windows and shit. Then Jane Doe backs herself into a corner, where Porky finally puts her out of my misery. Off-screen. Yup, all we get is some blood splashing one of the windows.

Then the opening credits start up, over footage of pigs being raised and slaughtered. Oh, and the title theme sounds like a cheesy Vegas magician's theme. Movie, you have bamboozled me.

After this bizarre credit sequence, a food/health inspector makes his way around numerous dead pigs, then speaks to the man in charge. Oops, no...the "inspector" was just a supervisor-type named Tom, who moved up in rank to become the company lawyer. He meets up with his boss, Harold, and they discuss buying a pig farm off of a crazy farmer and his son, with the highly improbable surname of Bacon. Yeesh. Who's the hero, HAM Solo?

The sheriff is introduced, after nearly crashing into Skip's jeep. He goes joyriding with his girlfriend, then almost kills an old fogey. For a movie this cheesy, I think that's as close as we're going to get to an "action" scene. Feel my pain, people!

Tom and Harold are also driving around, heading to the Bacon property. They're hoping that the old coot will accept an offer for his property, even though he's been resistant to the idea every other time they've spoken to him. They meet up with the sheriff on the way.

When they arrive, the farm already looks deserted. They find a wind chime made out of pig bones, and find animal carcasses everywhere. Oh, and the address of the property? Slaughterhouse Road. Yeah, that sounds like a safe neighborhood.

The 3 men knock at Lester Bacon's front door, and are greeted by the son, who is squealing at the window. As expected, Papa Bacon refuses to sell his property, so the sheriff forecloses on his land, and tells Lester that he has 30 days to leave. Porky just watches the proceedings and oinks from his perch at a window.

After the sheriff posts the eviction notice, we learn a few new details about the Bacon clan. First, that their pig farm used to be massive, and not in the decrepit state it's in now. Also, that Porky is not the only son Lester had. No one seems to know what became of the other son, though...I think I smell a sequel! Or maybe that's just all the pigshit.

Liz and Skip are pulled over by Deputy Dave, who is the worst actor in movie history. He delivers some gibberish about having a family and being responsible, then lets the couple off with just a warning. Every time he speaks, a piece of my soul withers and dies.

Back at the Bacon farm, we get a brief scene where Porky is hugging a pig like his own personal puppy. Then we get another short scene where Liz and her remaining friends plans to get costumes and props for a party that night. None of them mention, nor even notice, that 2 members of their group have mysteriously vanished. Nice friends.

Porky shows his father the 2 teens he killed, and Lester freaks out. After scolding his son, the old farmer decides to send him after the 3 men who visited earlier. Finally, something resembling a plot is actually happening! Yay!

After a pointless scene where Liz and her pals buy Halloween costumes, they decide to party up at the closed slaughterhouse. Rut roh! At the same time, Harold gets a call from Lester, luring him to the farm. While they're chatting, Bubba is busy sharpening his blade. It's about time.

Back to the teens again. They drive up to the slaughterhouse, and start setting it up for their party. At the same time, Deputy Dave gets a call from the dispatcher about the 2 missing teens. Then back to the Scooby gang, where we get another lame montage as they film some lame scenes for their lame movie. They eventually drive away again, as Porky watches from a nearby window. Deja vu...

As the sheriff arrives back at his office, Deputy Dipshit enters the old slaughterhouse. He walks through the dusty, cobweb-filled factory, and something makes him decide to draw his gun. He finds a pool of blood on the floor, and sees a dead animal suspended by a meathook overhead. Then he starts to investigate a heavy freezer door, only to get it slammed on his arm. As he struggles to get loose, Porky cuts off his hand at the wrist.

Porky emerges from the freezer, and watches the deputy die. He shows the corpse to his father, who tells him to bring the body back to where the others are. Then Lester hurries out front to greet Harold. The 2 men chat, as Lester lures his former friend into the slaughterhouse.

Lester taunts Harold while the lights are out, then gets behind him. He lets Harold see the other dead bodies, then Porky swings a blade on a rope over Harold's head. It doesn't hit him, but it gets closer with every swing. Uh, someone needs to inform Harold of this new-fangled thing, called "stepping back".
As Lester laughs like a loon, his son grabs Harold's head and squeezes it like a grape.Ouch.

Liz and her boyfriend have another useless scene together, where they discuss how terrific their friends are. *yawn* After watching Porky freak out over a dead animal, the movie decides to go back to the sheriff. He bitches and moans about all of the missing people, then goes to the local bar to get smashed. That's your tax dollars at work, folks. It's kind of difficult to figure out who we're supposed to be rooting for...they're all kind of dicks.

Anyway, at the bar, the sheriff starts asking around about his missing deputy. At first, only the bartender and some wino respond, but then Sally speaks up. She tells the sheriff that she saw Dave early that morning, but not since then.

Up next, we get Porky dressed up in the deputy's clothes. He walks up to the police car, gets in, and goes for a joyride on the dirt roads around the Bacon property. Then he hears the CB radio go off, and squeals into it, confusing the dispatcher.

Sally sees the car going flying past her, and flags him down. Assuming that it's Dave behind the wheel, she walks up to the car, only to scream in terror when she sees Porky. She gets chased back to her car, where, instead of driving away, she ducks down and lets the killer smash her windshield until he can reach into the car. A rocket scientist, she ain't.

Sally escapes through the passenger side, and climbs into a metal cylinder, where Porky taunts her. He starts to use his knife to take a few wild stabs at her, and she screams some more. Then the scene ends, so I guess we're to assume that he got her.

Liz helps her mom prepare some food for the party, and asks her why the other kids call Liz a hermaphrodite. Okay, not really, but DAMN this chick is weird-looking! Is this what passed for cute in the 1980's? She looks like one of the weird puppets from Labrynth. The sheriff breaks in and raids the fridge, so I guess Liz is his daughter. Then Liz's boyfriend walks in, pisses off her father, and another random scene comes to a close.

Back at the abandoned slaughterhouse, Tom shows up looking for Harold. He tries to reason with Lester again, but the old coot won't listen. Instead, he has his son lift Tom off the ground, then feed him into a meat grinder, feet-first. Pretty nasty stuff.At the big dance, everyone is pretending to enjoy a song that would make Boy George turn heterosexual. We also get a bunch of clips of "fun" activities that include throwing hay, and eating hot dogs. Boy, these guys are really hardcore! Even the dancing is filmed poorly, showing a bunch of jump-cuts to simulate dancing, I guess.

The remaining 4 teens decide to go to the slaughterhouse that night. In a stroke of redneck genius, the guys are going to leave the girls there, to win a bet. Whatever. Just die already. While the girls are busy making shadow puppets on a wall, their boyfriends are sneaking back onto the property to scare them.

The sheriff finds the vehicle belonging to Sally, and calls for backup. Then Liz tells her friend to wait inside, while she goes out to scare their boyfriends. The guys have a similar plan. Then Skip climbs to the window where Annie is watching, only to get killed by Porky from behind.

The next one to die is Buzz, who goes looking for Skip. He gets whacked in the side of his head by Porky, and crumples to the floor like a rag doll. Liz, now completely alone, wanders around the building for several minutes, calling out random names. She then discovers the corpses in the freezer, and comes face-to-face with Lester.

After he uses the corpses to play "This Little Piggy", Lester threatens her, and she runs away, right toward his son. As Porky holds her down on a table, Liz has to endure Lester describing what all of his different blades are for. He delivers a speech about how much skill it takes to cut meat, then tells the frightened girl that the finger tip is the most sensitive part of the body. He proves it by slicing one of her fingers at the tip. If he's hoping to bleed her to death, this could take weeks.

After the demonstration, Lester tells her to watch while he carves up one of her friends. She retaliates by kicking him, and he gets a meat hook in his back. While Lester struggles to get the hook out, he orders his son to chase Liz down. After the briefest of chases, her dad comes to the rescue, leads her outside, then asks her about her friends.

Before Liz can reply, Lester stabs the sheriff in the back. Liz gets him into his car, finds the keys, and barely manages to get away. As Lester watches, she runs over Porky again, then speeds away. She gets the radio working, but a figure pops out of the back's Porky's twin brother I guess, since we saw Porky outside of the car already. Way to confuse your already apathetic asudience, movie. THE END

.Eh. It could have been worse, considering how much of it was a rip-off of the Texas Chainsaw movies. If anyone ever decides to remake this, they need to flesh out the characters better, and give the kills a lot more variety. But it was okay, for a cheesy B-movie. I give it 3.5 killer trees out of 5.

And what lessons did Slaughterhouse teach me?

-Well, if I ever want to terrorize someone, all I need to do it deliver a small cut to the tip of their finger. Good to know.

-Hollywood was much more forgiving about beauty 20 years ago. Either that, or they had a female horse that was also one heck of an actress.

-When making a horror film where there are siblings who kill together, it's always best to confuse your audience by using 1 actor for both roles. Screw you, lazy Slaughterhouse casting director!

Next up is either Sleepaway Camp or He Knows You're Alone. I have to go back into the archives first, to see if I did either of them already. These things all blend together after awhile. I also caught the ending of one called Killer Movie, which I also need to look up. What can I say? My middle-aged memory sucks. See y'all next week!