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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Santa Claws

'Twas several nights after Christmas and it had many flaws,
Because I ended up watching something called Santa Claws.
It had lots of sex, it seemed less slasher than porn,
But it sucked as a slasher, so it's getting my scorn!
SPOILERS will follow, as they always do,
So if you want to see it first, I bid you adieu!

The film starts off with a young boy named Wayne.
He saw Mom boinking a stranger, which drove him insane!
Wayne grabbed up a gun and shot them both dead,
Then the credits came on, when I wanted gore instead!
Our heroine is a model, named Raven Quinn,
She poses in the nude, wearing not so much as a grin.
Wayne's now her neighbor, as well as grown-up,
And has an unhealthy obsession with her double-D cups...

One day they chat, and she treats him real nice...
So he decides to put all of her co-workers on ice!
Oh, and he keeps on a table a mannequin's head,
Which looks like Raven (but much less brain-dead).

To make matters worse, Raven's single--and how!
Her husband's a photographer, and has models to plow...
His mother and sister tell lies to Raven's kids,
Blaming her for the marriage being on the skids.

At about this time, Wayne starts up his plan
Helping her get ready for Christmas, that crazy lovestruck man!
He screws up though, by moving too fast,
And when Raven gets pissed, his brief happiness has passed.

She then starts to flirt,
Boy, I wonder why her mood changed?
(Oh wait, it's a delusion...
I forgot he was deranged.)

His first victim, another actress, is killed after a shower,
He uses a claw, killing the delicate flower.
The claw is like one from Raven's last flick,
So Wayne adopts that movie-killer's dumb-as-Hell shtick.

After killing the starlet, Wayne attacks an old man,
He worked at the studio, 'til Wayne kicked his can...
The very next day, Wayne buries the bodies in snow,
Which isn't too bright, 'cause it melts, y'know?

In the next scene, the ex is photographing a sexy witch,
And when Raven calls him, it's her he tries to ditch!
Raven wants to talk, try to work the marriage out,
But her ex is busy getting tits shoved up his snout.

Wayne, by the way, slips Raven's kids sleeping pills,
While we watch another "starlet" strip for cheap thrills.
When the kids are out cold, Wayne buys a Santa suity,
And we see more of that random stripper's booty.

When she gets home, the girl pets her pussy....a cat!
Why, there's nothing at all sleazy about that!
Then she gets naked, and fills her tub up with bubbles,
But Wayne ruins my fun, and just causes her troubles.

He knocks at her door, and gets into her house,
And kills her, that rude, psychotic louse!
Then he resumes babysitting, before Raven gets home,
And she never suspects that they've been drugged and home alone.

The next night, Raven has to "model" again,
So she asks Wayne, once more, to watch her children.
He starts spray-painting his new Santa costume black,
Probably to prepare for his next lame attack.

Unexpectedly, Raven's hubby makes a surprise return home-a,
And finds his kids in a Wayne-induced coma.
He assumes that Raven drugged the poor kids,
And plans to confront over what he thinks she did!

The ex grabs the phone, first to call his mom,
She of course has no idea what's going on.
She tells him that Wayne has taken over babysitting the kids,
And the whole thing makes the ex incredibly livid!!!

He goes next door, but Wayne isn't home,
So he returns to the house, so the kids won't be alone.
He waits for his mom and sis to arrive,
Then goes off to find Raven, as fast as he can drive.

Back in the studio, Raven's removed her top,
This scene is so good, why must it stop?
But alas, it does end, just as Wayne sneaks in,
Later, I'll rewind it, though, again and again!

Wayne kills a secretary, then stashes her in the john,
By the time she's discovered, he hopes to be long-gone!
This all occurs just as the ex knocks at the door,
Some dude lets him in, because the security's piss-poor.

The flunky's the next guy that Wayne kills,
He should be a hitman, the guy's got mad skills!
While this is going on, the ex finds his wife,
And informs her about the looney now in her life.

Wayne interrupts them, in his Santa suit made black,
And Raven now sees that's he totally whacked.
She tries real hard to reason with the guy,
But he decides that the couple both have to die.

The ex and Wayne get into a fight,
When Wayne gets knocked down, the couple escape into the night.
He corners poor Raven, knocks the husband out cold,
Is this thing close to done? It's getting kinda old!

The ex wakes up, and Wayne attacks him once more,
While Raven just stands there, useless to her core.
When Wayne drops his claw to strangle the guy,
Raven finally does more than simply stand by!

She picks up the claw and stabs Wayne from behind,
And shows love for her hubby, who responds in kind.
The ending shows the family together at last,
Putting their troubles squarely into the past. THE END

Sheesh. You know a movie's bad when you get so bored watching it, you start reviewing it like Dr. Seuss. The worst part is, it fails as both a softcore porno AND a slasher flick! How did they manage to do THAT??? It gets 3 killer trees for all of the gratuitous cleavage-baring, and a -1 as a bland and uninteresting slasher, "2", I guess(although that still seems like way too high of a score.)

I never thought I'd say this, but next week, I'll be glad to watch the next Friday the 13th sequel. See? See how badly this thing traumatized me? I'd like to deck somebody's halls, I'll tell ya that right now!