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Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Final Terror

Okay, so I was going to watch a movie called Dead Wood using On Demand(thanks to NetFlix not sending me my next slasher yet), but I was having trouble with my digital box. So instead, I'm watching a movie on YouTube called The Final Terror. I saw this movie waaaaay back in my mid-teens, and all I really remember about it is that there are a number of people in it who were VERY early in their film careers when they made it. So, sit back and enjoy, as I SPOIL the heck out of this usual.

Okay, so the movie starts out in a forest. Big help. Bambi is drinking from a stream with his cousin, Bambette, when they hear something. "Something" turns out to be a motorcycle, driven by what may actually be the world's worst driver. He and his girlfriend crash, and his leg is injured. His name is Jimmy, hers hasn't been mentioned yet.

She helps Jimmy to hop over to a tree that he can rest against, then runs off into the forest to get help. Wait, do woodland creatures have medical training? As Jimmy continues to be useless, the music turns scary, then....nothing happens! Sheer genius. I hope Bambi eats him.

Jane Doe finds a house with a gigantic "6" on it. Hey, maybe it was painted by that British guy who used to paint enormous numbers on things on Sesame Street. You know, the guy who later became a neighbor of The Jeffersons? No? I'm the only person who remembers shit like that? Damn.

Wait, this movie is still on. Oops. Jane Doe knocks, then starts to jog away. Again...sheer genius. She runs back in the direction she started from, while we watch a deer drinking more water. Hey, wouldn't it be sort of awesome if the animals started cranking up chainsaws? Somebody write that movie, so I can watch it.

Jim has vanished. She calls his name about a dozen or so times, then walks around in the clearing. When she's standing still again, Jim's body falls out of a tree, hanging upside down. For a guy with a busted leg, Jim sure is acrobatic! Oh, nope...he's dead. Being upside down was Jim's kryptonite, I guess. I'm thinking it was a suicide.

Jane Doe starts screaming her head off, because that's a surefire way to keep hillbillies in the woods from finding you. As she starts running again, she triggers a tripwire on the ground, and gets 2 branches to the face. Roll opening credits.

As mentioned before, this movie has a handful of people in it who went on to bigger and better things. For example, there's Rachel Ward, who gained recognition in The Thorn Birds; Daryl Hannah, star of such diverse films as Splash and Kill Bill; Joe Pantoliano, who was in both of the Fugitive movies, as well as numerous roles in other crime dramas...

And Adrian Zmed, star of....uh....well, he's in this!

Oh, and another thing I noticed: the movie has a different title. On YouTube, it's called Carnivore. Weird. Maybe the movie killed someone, and needed an alias. Wait, did I get distracted again?

Okay, so the credits finally wrap up, and we see Adrian Zmed's character, Marco, planning how he's going to spend all of his immense wealth after TJ Hooker becomes a smash hit. Wait, no, he's reading a magazine. Probably "Highlights for Children".

A weird redneck pops up behind him, and puts Marco in a headlock. He's some kind of authority figure or co-worker, and no one likes him. One guy goes so far as to pull a switchblade on the a-hole, and even Marco threatens him with a baseball bat.

Then we get a random scene in a dining hall. There's a group of forest rangers discussing a weekend party, then the scene switches back to the guy no one likes, now known as Eggar. He's listening to a radio news report about the couple we saw earlier, who are listed as "missing". If this guy could figure out how to rewind the film, he'd be a hero!

Eggar tries to warn one of the rangers not to take the newer recruits up to their intended destination, a place called Mill Creek. It's also where that couple died. He gets angry when the ranger refuses to listen to his warnings, but it leads to nothing.

A bus picks up the rangers, then they also get the girls. We then have to suffer through an awful, tone-deaf version of "3 Blind Mice". As they settle down to discuss the route of their camping hike, Eggar keeps taking his eyes off of the road to turn and stare at the group. Uh, maybe someone else should drive?

Sure enough, Eggar gets riled up. He tells them that he knows of several people who have been hurt in the region, then nearly crashes the bus into another motorist. The bus drives past a mental health facility, and some of the rangers imply that Eggar used to live there. Hmmm...

They park and unload the bus, and Eggar freaks out when several canned goods fall out of the back of the bus. So now Eggar's stealing food as well? Why? And if he's the main antagonist of this film, are they revealing it way too early? Probably.

At a stream, the group stops to collect firewood and fresh water. Marco asks Eggar if he knows of any marijuana fields growing in the woods, and Eggar finally snaps. He tells the group that he once brought another one of his antagonists up to the woods, tied the person down, and left him there. Then he lashes out at 2 of the rangers, before cackling like a loon and running away to parts unknown. That Eggar's a wacky guy!

Later that night, around a campfire, a guy named either Reg or Rich tells a scary story. In his tale, a logging business was in the area. A young teen girl, 14, was abused by her uncle, who ran the logging business after her father(the original owner) passed away. Anyway, the uncle supposedly got shitfaced one night, and raped his niece, which drove her insane. She was put into that mental institution that was seen earlier, where she had a baby.

She was deemed unfit to care for a child, so the baby was taken away. Then, nearly 2 decades later, her son showed up to take her home. They went home together, but she proved to be too crazy for him to properly take care of her, so he eventually let her loose in the forest, to roam as she pleased. Of course, the story ends with a jump-scare, then Eggar shows up again.

He lectures the group against discussing things they know nothing about, then stomps away again. Then the group beds down for the night, and Eggar is seen driving the bus somewhere. Marco has gone off with 2 other guys, Nate and Boone, to look for marijuana, and they need him to be their lookout. They offer him a 20% profit on anything they find, then up it to a full third of the profits. Marco agrees, then they tell him to howl like a wolf until they return. They don't plan to come back, of course, and he's dumb enough to fall for their lies.

The next day, a girl named Melanie wakes up the rest of the group in the main campsite. They notice that Marco is missing, and it's revealed that the other 2 guys were pranking him. They form search parties to look for him, with the leader of the camp, Mike, forcing Boone and Nate to lead him to the spot where they abandoned Marco.

They don't find him there, but they do uncover something that looks like a bloody animal carcass. Mike tells the other 2 to report back to camp, then he lingers behind to search for Marco some more. As he wanders deeper into the woods, it looks as if something might be following him. Or maybe the camera crew were just complete tools.

Next up, we get a montage of random characters yelling yelling out Marco's name in various parts of the forest. Pretty thrilling stuff, I know. It would be awesome if some random character shouted "Polo!" at some point during the scene. Mike spots a stream, and decides that it would be the perfect time to remove his clothes and take a dip. There's a dip all right, but it seems to be in charge.

A group of searchers take a break, and Rachel Ward's character, Margaret, tells one of the pranksters that he's pretty much a dipshit for losing Marco. After he yells at her to mind her own business, then tries to start a brawl with Nate, one of the women notes, "I think that guy's psychotic." Gee, ya think so? I forgot, did this one win the Oscar for Best Screenplay?

Back to Skinnydipping Guy. He's leaning under a tree trunk, just sitting there like the useless lump that he is, when a menacing bare foot appears over his head. It belongs to a cute female whose name I didn't catch(surprise, surprise....), and they start making out, upside-down-Spider-Man style. Except that she's Spider-Man in this context. Okay, so my analogies suck. Sue me.

Wake me when the killing starts, okay?

Hey-hey, the couple decide to have sex! As they both "arrive", a figure standing behind them is seen, and he's holding a hooked blade up over his head. He repeatedly plants the blade into Mike's back, then he drags the girl out from under the corpse. Finally, something actually happened!

Nate and Boone find a cabin and a raft, as well as a makeshift grave. They poke around the property, with Nate looking outside and Boone investigating inside the cabin. Nate hears something, and goes inside to look for Boone, only to be attacked by a hillbilly in drag! Oh wait, it's just Boone, horsing around. As they both resume checking out the cabin, they find several cans just like the ones Eggar was trying to hide earlier.

As they continue to search, they find Eggar's cap, along with numerous items that had been stolen from the ranger school. They congratulate each other for cracking the case, then discover that he keeps an animal's severed head in one of his supply cabinets. That find helps them to decide to leave the premises.

Outside, they both break into a sprint to find the others. They must run pretty slowly, because the next scene takes place at night. The remaining members of the group note that Mike and Melanie, haven't returned yet. I'm going to assume that they were the ones killed during sex at the stream.

They decide to pair up, and take turns guarding the camp. Almost immediately after they fall asleep, a mysterious figure dressed in animal skins approaches the camp. He hovers over Marge and strokes her face, which causes her to wake up. She screams, and everyone else comes running to the rescue. It's revealed that no one saw the stranger, including the idiot who was supposed to be guarding the group.

Unable to sleep, they all sit by the fire. A noise at the edge of their site causes everyone to freak out yet again, and they all see a figure approaching the camp. A flashlight beam reveals Marco, alive and well, still howling. He reveals that he's been busy looking for the mythical marijuana plants, and has brought several back with him. He also claims that he's been exploring the forest, unaware of the search for him that the others undertook.

The black chick, who is named Vanessa(I think), gets pissed off that they all worried about Marco for nothing. She stomps off toward the outhouse, shrugging off the suggestion of bringing someone with her. Odds seem pretty good that Vanessa's days are numbered.

At the outhouse, she covers the toilet seat with paper(like Finch in American Pie), then finds what's left of Mike keeping her company. She goes hysterical, and the others arrive to see the body for themselves. Then they decide to start playing Eggar's game against him, by camouflaging themselves and trying to use stealth to hunt him instead. Yeah, I'm sure that'll work out just great.

They creep over to the cabin that was discovered earlier, and loudly demand that Eggar faces them. When there's no response, they break in, and find a frightened bird in a closet. They also find body parts in jars, as well as torn-up clothes that are covered in blood. Oh, and Daryl Hannah's character finally gets a name: Windy. Not Wendy. I actually looked it up, to verify what I was hearing. Windy. Yeesh.

Melanie, who has been kept alive, can hear them, but her captor has her in the basement, with his hand over her mouth. As the group leaves and prepares a raft to make their escape, Melanie is shown being terrorized and tortured by her assailant. Sucks to be her, huh?

As the raft makes fairly good progress, the killer drops Melanie's mangled body onto them from the trees. They continue down the stream, until it gets too shallow for them to paddle anymore, and resume hiking. Oh, and they bury Melanie. Screw the eventual investigation, let's sabotage a crime scene!

They finally discover the bus again, but agree to wait until night falls to approach it, in case there's a trap. When they finally check the bus out, they find that the engine is sabotaged, so they decide to sleep on the bus, after eating some food that they found in a cooler. They even make smores. So much for caution...

During the night, the bus is attacked. As they all scurry to escape, it looks as if Vanessa is the next one to bite it. They rush back into the woods, and Windy somehow gets separated from the rest. She calls out their names, but no one answers her. The group even looks for her, and only locate Windy when she begins to scream.

She's injured, so Marco and Nate run back to the bus for a first aid kit. Windy gets stitched up, and it starts to rain. As the group continues their journey, Boone becomes unstable. He's stoned out of his gourd, and decides to leave the group to stalk Eggar by himself. He even makes spears and traps. Then he climbs a thick tree, to look for his prey.

Marco tries to draw Eggar out, by promising to hurt him badly when they find him. Eggar springs up behind Marco, and chokes him with a rope. As Marco gasps and tries to poke out Eggar's eyes, the rest of the group leap up from camouflaged hiding places, and begin to retaliate against him.

Boone climbs down from his tree, and finds the group attacking Eggar like savages. They beat him, kick him, bash his face into the's not pretty. Then Boone gets stabbed from behind by someone else! He screams, and the hikers stop hurting Eggar to face the new threat.

It's Eggar's mother, presumably the rape victim from the campfire story. She runs forward with the curved blade that was used earlier raised over her head, howling like a cavewoman, and sets off one of the traps, a log suspended by ropes, covered in sharp spears. Her body is impaled and pushed through the air, as the survivors watch in stunned silence. As we see some random shots of the forest, the credits start rolling. THE END

Wow, talk about an abrupt conclusion. There were some pretty good kills though, and more suspense than these things usually have, so that was kind of a treat. But it's funny how much films like Wrong Turn and Cabin Fever(among many others) seemed to be "inspired" by many of the plot elements and set pieces in this one. Maybe it's just coincidence, but they sure do have a lot in common with The Final Terror. I'm giving this one 3.75 killer trees out of 5, mostly for the nostalgia of seeing it again after so many years.

And what did I l learn from The Final Terror?

-There was a period of time when the name "Adrian Zmed" was given top billing in a movie. Who knew?

-When you find out that someone you care about has been murdered, you should always tamper with the evidence and bury the body in the middle of nowhere. Screw the next of kin and investigators!

-When you decide to go out in a strange forest in the middle of the night to take a dump, bring along a friend. Otherwise, you get what you deserve!

Up next, hopefully, is Pieces. It looks pretty insane, so this should be a fun week. See you soon, if my luck with movies doesn't fizzle!

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Well, this week I'm watching a movie an old friend suggested. It's a gay-themed slasher flick called HellBent, and all my friend would say about it was that it would definitely qualify as a cheesy slasher flick, so there ya go. SPOILERS ahead!

The movie begins with a drunk guy carrying balloons through a forest at night. Riiiiiiight. Balloon Boy trips and falls, then starts calling out the name George. He hears someone nearby, gets himself worked up, then has a panic attack when someone(George, apparently) leaps at him from the darkness. Then they pop most of the balloons. Yup, this all seems perfectly logical.

Back in their car, the couple start going at it, and again, there's a noise outside. While George remains in the car, the other guy decides to hoist himself out the window to look around. From a distance, a shadowy figure watches them. As George starts to take advantage of his lover's awkward position(by, and this is not a joke, tickling his feet), the killer passes by the windshield unseen by either of the men. Then the dude hanging out the window gets decapitated.

George doesn't realize it at first, so he tugs on his friend to get him inside the car, then sees the bloody stump where a human head used to ne attached. He also spots the killer, and tries to start the car. The killer smashes his window with a scythe, then the credits start up.

When the movie resumes, we see a cop named Eddie going through mugshots on his computer. He prints them out, then a cute female cop drops some graphic crime scene pictures on his desk. The other guy who was killed was named Mike, according to her. She sees his printouts, and starts to tease him, then their boss asks Eddie to step into his office. The lieutenant asks Eddie to pass out flyers about the murders when he goes out that evening. Oh, and the female cop is Eddie's sister.

Back home, Eddie decides to use his dad's old cop uniform as his Halloween costume. He even goes to a costume shop to purchase a plastic badge. When he leaves the shop, a transvestite who resembles Shrek compliments his uniform. Yeesh.

What follows is a "handing out flyers" montage. Then Eddie stops at a tattoo parlor. He watches a guy get a tattoo on his shoulders, and sees a trail of blood dripping down the guy's back. Flustered, he drops his papers, gathers them up again, and quickly leaves.

Bored, Eddie finds a trash can, and practices tossing crushed cans into it. He stops when he realizes that a guy on a motorcycle is watching him. They discuss the murders, then the guy on the bike takes off. Eddie then interrupts his roommate, Chaz, having a three-way in a car. They discuss the murders, then go to lunch.

At their favorite diner, they meet up with Toby, another friend who happens to be another unconvincing transvestite.. They go looking for yet ANOTHER friend, named Joey. He's in the employee area of the diner, trapped in some kind of leather outfit. Apparently, he got "stuck" in the leather. Um, not that I'm homophobic or anything, but wasn't this supposed to be a slasher film? What happened with that?

Well, the killer must have heard me, because we see him next, sharpening his blade while recalling his previous murders. Then the 4 friends pile into a jeep and head out for some Halloween fun. Along the way, they tell Toby that they won't be going to a tranny bar, because none of the others are into it. Then they spot a couple in masks on a motorcycle and wave. Yeah, this is SO much better than getting to the point. They could have at least thrown in some lipstick lesbians to keep me interested, dagnabbit.

They pull off at the crime scene, where Eddie tells them about the gruesome crime scene pics he saw earlier. He goes into graphic detail, and Toby asks if he can open a window. As he goes on a rant about how he would kick the killer's ass, a hand grabs his throat. It turns out to be Joey, who grabbed him from the back seat. Then they decide to walk to the party, through the forest.

Everyone decides that they need to pee, so they each pick a different tree. Some noises in the woods startle them, then Eddie sees something moving around in the bushes nearby. He alerts the others, all of whom come back, except Joey. When Eddie catches a glimpse of a guy in a devil costume, he insists that Joey should join them.

They see Devil Guy darting behind trees, and theorize that perhaps he's disfigured, and ashamed of his appearance. Or that perhaps he's just shy. They try to lure him out by calling over to him, and see that he looks like a bodybuilder. Devil Guy then starts to move his hand back and forth, and they assume that he's jerking off, but he reveals that he's getting his murder weapon ready to use. Finally!

Assuming that he's joking, they all moon Devil Guy. Then he vanishes. While they wonder where he went, he pops up next to the quartet, and raises his arms above his head, scaring them strai--um, well, just really scaring them, at any rate. In the distance, they can see the lights from the Halloween celebration, so they keep moving.

When they arrive for the festivities, they notice Devil Guy again, watching them. Toby approaches him and tries flirting, but gets no response. They all go "trick or treating", and then complain that the candies they were given are all the same flavor: pineapple. Eddie reveals that he was also given a green condom. Uh, good for him? I guess? Seriously, is this even a horror film? NOTHING IS HAPPENING...

They decide to get drunk. Yay for them. Wish I was. Then 2 guys dressed as firefighters try to pick up Eddie, but Chaz scares them off. Eddie sees the guy he was talking to earlier in the day, the dude on the motorcycle. When the biker walks into a club, Eddie hesitates to follow him, so the others decide to go with him. As they walk in, Devil Guy watches.

Then we get a nightclub dancers montage, because, obviously, this movie needs more padding. The denizens fall into 2 categories: those who look like they belong in boy bands, and those who look like they belong in a Marilyn Manson video. Great there a Door #3?

Anyway, Eddie decides to try talking to Gay Fonzie. Despite Eddie's attempt to be friendly, the guy shoots him down. Speaking of shooting, Eddie reveals that the reason he got stuck behind a desk was because of an injury to one of his eyes. Wow, that's much more interesting than watching a suspense-filled sequence where a killer stalks his prey. Thank you, movie.

Then we switch over to Joey, the younger friend. Chaz saves him from an uncomfortable encounter, as the killer watches. They wander over to the main stage, where a guy is singing some unintelligible song. He pulls Joey onto the stage, but Joey gets dragged away by 2 security guys. Then he is pushed onto a table, while they pretend to use chainsaws on him. Well, I guess a fake killing is better than none.

After the song, Eddie introduces his buddies to the biker, who is named Jake. Everyone starts to leave the club, but Joey spots someone he likes and wants to stay. Chaz decides to stay as well, to keep an eye on him. Joey tries to talk to the guy, but he's not interested. Chaz asks Joey how it went, and Joey announces that he needs to puke.

In the bathroom, Chaz waits until everyone else leaves, then asks Joey if he's okay. He gives Joey some privacy then, and waits outside. Unfortunately, a guy catches his eye, so he follows him instead of waiting for Joey. Want to guess who shows up?

Joey tries to wash the stage blood off, and Devil Guy is right behind him. He disappears again when Joey stands up, but Joey hears him. He checks 2 bathroom stalls, then is scared by the jock he wanted to meet earlier. They start to make up, then make out. The jock leaves, and Devil Guy shoves a treat bag over Joey's head, before slashing his throat open. He drags Joey into a stall, and shoves the corpse onto the floor, revealing that he actually decapitated him. As Devil Guy leaves, 2 other partygoers find the body. Yay, something happened!

Outside at the Halloween Carnival, Eddie, Jake and Toby are just aimlessly walking around. It's like a metaphor for the script. Toby eventually decides to mingle, and tells the others he'll meet up with them later. He ends up at a bar, ordering a cocktail and chatting up another cross-dresser.

Eddie and Jake try their hands at a shooting gallery carnival game. Jake turns out to be a virtual gunslinger, while Eddie has all the depth perception of Mr. Magoo. They catch up to Toby, who is drunkenly trying to win another game. Then they also see Chaz, who reveals that he ditched Joey. Chaz tells Eddie to lighten up, then leaves with his "date". Devil Guy bumps into Chaz, but Chaz fails to realize the danger he might be in.

Eddie and Jake leave to go find Joey, and Toby decides to stagger around for awhile. A couple of straight guys try to pick him up, until they see that he's a he. Toby then convinces a guy to take his picture, only to realize just how ridiculous he looks in his costume.

At the club, Toby is spotted by Chaz, who gets his attention. As Chaz tries to reach him, Devil Guy looms nearby. The lights begin to strobe, and Chaz gets high off of a pill he took earlier that night. Devil Guy appears behind him, then stabs him several times, without anyone noticing. As he feels the blade slice him up, Chaz looks at the long cuts all over his body, then the killer decapitates him, and leaves his body on the dance floor. Y'know, as bad as this movie is, the kills are actually pretty gruesome. I could almost not hate this one, if it weren't so damned cheesy.

Anyway, back to Toby. He's in the alley behind the nightclub, puking his guts out, when Devil Guy appears. I think Devil Guy missed his true calling...he should be a ninja. A big, homosexual, horn-wearing, scythe-carrying ninja. Or not.

Toby tries to stand up straight, and finds Devil Guy observing him. Oddly enough, Devil Guy makes no move to kill Toby. He just leaves him alone. Toby, being the Mayor of Stupidville, follows the maniac. He also tries to ascertain what Devil Guy's motives are, but Devil Guy is a man of few(or no) words.

Toby switches tactics, and starts to undress. The killer exits the area, so Toby follows him. Finally, Toby thinks of one last way to get Devil Guy's attention: he tosses over his driver's license. When Devil Guy sees that Toby is a guy, he finally turns around. He drops his severed head collection, stands before Toby and then chops his head off to add to the collection. Uh, couldn't you figure out he was a guy before now?

Back at Club Meat(wow, that was subtle), Eddie and Jake see a lot of cops, as well as crime scene tape. The cop at the entrance turns them away, so they try to find an alternate route. Both men climb over a high chain-link fence, then sneak into the building. As he wanders around in the empty building, Eddie realizes that Jake now seems to be among the missing.

He goes back outside, where he sees Jake getting ready to leave on his bike. As Jake tries to convince Eddie to go with him, he sees Devil Guy sneaking up on the young cop. He tries to warn Eddie, but Devil Guy manages to cut Eddie's face before he can dodge out of the way. In an attempt to save his new friend, Jake begins to climb the fence again, but the killer gets in one quick cut, and Jake falls back to the ground.

Eddie gets back on his feet, then heads into the club again. He runs into a dead end, and finds a hiding spot just as Devil Guy appears. He sees the hulking killer searching for him, so Eddie locks himself into a cage that barely keeps him out of Devil Guy's reach. Frustrated by this turn of events, Devil Guy takes another swipe with his weapon, and the tip of the blade scratches Eddie's eyeball. Ouch! The cops hear the commotion and show up, just after Devil Guy etches his scythe across the eyeball.

Back at the police station, Eddie gives his statement, then asks his sister to make sure that the facts in the case aren't altered for sensationalism. Before she leaves, she spots Jake, and gives her brother a high-five about as discreet as an explosion at a dynamite factory.

Eddie goes into the nearest restroom, and fixes his glass eye's position. Unfortunately, Jake walks in, and sees the eyeball out of whack. Eddie explains about the accident that caused him to lose the eye. When Eddie talks about ending the night early and finding his friends, Jake talks him into a ride on the motorcycle. They return to Eddie's apartment building at warp speed.

Eddie finds the building he and his friends live in empty, so he heads to his own apartment last. Jake has already let himself in, and the two start to undress. When Eddie finally gets a look at the tattoo Jake was getting earlier, he is told only that it has something to do with the ending of a relationship.

Then Jake starts acting weird. He shies away from Eddie's advances, then tries to get Eddie to share a cigarette with him. When Eddie does it wrong somehow, Jake takes another puff, and blows the smoke into Eddie's mouth. Then he asks where the bedroom is. Could he possibly be the killer? Do I care at this point?

Once they get to their destination, Eddie asks Jake to turn around while he undresses. Jake complies, looking at other areas of the room instead. He notes a drop of blood on Eddie's license, then gets distracted by noise from outside. He looks out of the window, but nothing seems unusual. When he turns around again, he sees that Eddie has taken his shirt off.

Jake handcuffs Eddie to the bed, then Eddie asks him to use a condom. Jake heads toward the bathroom to look for one. In the hallway, he turns to look at Eddie. Then he enters the bathroom to find the condoms. Once there, he seems to be putting off his return to the bedroom, exploring the room.

As Eddie begins to lose his patience, Jake spots an open door. Inside that room, he sees numerous trophies, pictures and sports memorabilia throughout the room. He decides to return to the bedroom, but a loud banging sound catches his attention. Jake sees that it came from a partially open window, and nearly walks into Devil Guy. Devil Guy then stabs him.

Eddie hears Jake being butchered, and gets frightened. Then he sees Devil Guy, and REALLY gets frightened. As Devil Guy prepares to decapitate the young cop, Jake manages to stab the killer from behind. Then Jake collapses to the floor, right next to you-know-who. Ha!

Eddie finally manages to get himself free, and runs to the living room to find his phone. When he locates the damned thing, Eddie calls 911. Unfortunately, Devil Guy gets up once more, and Eddie hears him go after Jake yet again. Gee, Jake really pisses this guy off, huh?

Eddie then rushes to the kitchen, and grabs something from a drawer to use as a weapon. Oh, and he finds the severed heads of his friends right after that. Y'know, normally this is where I'd make a joke about "giving head", but with this film, that just seems a little too on the nose.

Devil Guy then bursts in unannounced, and the chase resumes. After much effort, Eddie manages to run into the bedroom, shut the door, and lock it. Of course, Devil Guy tears through the door like cardboard. Eddie gets himself and Jake onto the fire escape, and then he and Devil Guy fight over his gun. Desk cops get guns? Well, I guess so.

The gun falls to another part of the fire escape, and Devil Guy licks Eddie's fake eye. Yeesh. Devil Guy then flings him over the fire escape, but Eddie manages not to fall the entire way to the ground. He gets the gun again while dangling from a railing, and shoots Devil Guy in the forehead. While he climbs back up to check on Jake, Eddie gets a bystander to call for an ambulance.

Eddie watches the ambulance take Jake to the hospital, then sees his sister taunting Devil Guy, who is being loaded into another ambulance. When Eddie realizes that the killer is still alive, Devil Guy opens his eyes, then reveals that he has Eddie's glass eye in his mouth. THE END

Man oh man, where to begin...first off, the slow pace killed this thing long before the killings started to ramp up. And while the deaths themselves were fairly graphic, they were also monotonous. I mean, did he really have to decapitate every victim? But the biggest missed opportunity was not fleshing out the killer a bit. A cool background story or motive would have gone a long way toward making this one less painful to sit through. 1 and a half killer trees out of 5, and even that feels generous.

And what did I learn from HellBent?

-Well, if you ever get attacked by a maniac, be sure you bring along a glass eye.

-Transvestites NEVER look like women. Except to other transvestites. And crazy killers.

-A killer being taken away on a stretcher is allowed to keep his mask on. I mean, hey, identifying criminals is waaaaay over-rated, right?

Next up is a pretty old one called Pieces. Please God, let it not suck...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Well, this week's "gem" stars Jason Mewes and is called R.S.V.P. That's pretty much all I know about it. Hopefully it'll be watchable, if not outright entertaining. As always, beware of SPOILERS beyond this point...

The story begins with a mysterious figure roaming the streets in the wee hours. He hops on a fire escape and climbs up to an apartment where another anonymous guy is sleeping. The figure also sees a woman in bed, and he attacks the couple. As the female victim screams, her spouse/lover is thrown at a wall-mounted mirror, breaking it.

The police arrive after the fact, and the detective leading the investigation sees messages on the apartment walls, scrawled in blood. One merely says, "Why?", and another is "WHY Did the quick brown fox Jump over the Lazy dog", with random letters capitalized.

In the next scene, an Irish-accented college professor(played by the late, great Glenn Quinn, of Angel and Roseanne fame), Hal Evans, is discussing the murders with his students. He mentions that the crime scene, which was in Las Vegas, was compromised by lazy, inattentive cops. The killer, who was dubbed "The Fox", got away, and committed 11 more murders before being caught.

After the class, 2 students, Nick and Jimmy, debate the professor's theories about mass murderers versus serial killers, and how easy it would be to get caught. Then we see Nick tell his friends that he and Jimmy are going out for drinks with Hal, but that they'll be at some sort of party later.

At the bar, Nick, Jimmy and Hal decide that a great mass murderer would be going after the "right" victims. The list includes lawyers, traffic cops, umpires and politicians. The list is pretty extensive, and it ends with mimes, so I'd go along with it. After the teacher leaves, Nick tells Jimmy about the Hitchcock movie Rope. which is about 2 men who kill a friend, stuff his body in a trunk, then throw a party and see if any of the guests can figure out what they've done. Gee, I wonder if this is foreshadowing?

After a brief scene showing that the film Rope was inspired by a pair of real-life killers, Leopold and Loeb, Nick realizes that he's been wasting his afternoon on the internet(me too, dude...). Nick finishes reading about the pair of killers, then sets up for the party. He hears a knock at the front door, and it's his first guest, Terry(the character plazyed by Jason Mewes). He's half an hour early... Snootchie bootchies, Jay!

Terry struts in, and we find out the names of the other characters, at least...Cricket, Leigh and Jordan. Terry whips out a bag of weed(of course...where the heck is Silent Bob?), and admires Nick's new chest in the living room. Geez, why are tthey drawing us a diagram this early on? Do the film's creators really think the audience is THAT slow?

Nick leaves the room, after telling Terry not to touch anything. Naturally, Terry starts drumming every object in sight, making a ton of noise in the process. In the next room, Nick opens a closet and starts to examine a series of rifles, before settling on one. He rushes at Terry and points the weapon at his frightened face, only to reveal that the "gun" is actually a bong.

That leads directly into a "bong-packing montage", which has to be a first in the history of montages. After it's revealed that the house belongs to an Uncle Atticus, there's a subtle suggestion that perhaps Nick killed him. Then another guest arrives, and Terry leaps at the intercom to make weird heavy-breathing noises. The person at the front door has a sexy female voice, so Nick and Terry sprint to the front door, each wanting to be the first to greet her.

It's Jordan, Nick's ex. Oh, and she happens to be dating Jimmy. Awwwwwwkward! They all proceed to get high and drunk, and then the others arrive. They brought along another guest, a Matthew McConaughey look-alike with the improbable name of Skyles, and a black dude named Garrett. Jordan greets them at the door with a sword and a weird skull that looks like it came from the game Grim Fandango.

After the group explores the house, Nick makes his first revealing mistake, by revealing that Uncle Atticus WAS eccentric, pretty much confessing that the old man is dead. He's either a really dumb killer, or the screenwriters were doing this script while half-asleep. Either way, no one seems to notice his faux pas.

As the party kicks into "high" gear yet again, Jordan worries about Jimmy not showing up. Then Nick scares Cricket by sneaking up on her with a scalpel, as she's looking for a coathanger on the closet floor. Nick ushers her out of the closet, then viciously kicks something that looks a lot like a dead body wrapped up on the floor. Uncle Atticus? Jimmy? Kid? McCloud? Columbo?

While everyone's getting tanked, there's a sequence showing Hal driving past the casinos in Vegas. He looks pretty dazed, but the movie shifts gears back to the party without any further explanation. Hey, didn't that killer from the first scene kill some folks in Vegas? Hmmm...

More guests arrive for the party, and everyone decides to hide and "surprise" them. Everybody. As in, who the heck is going to answer the door? Damn, these folks are stupid. This movie is a great anti-drug public service announcement.

The "guests" turn out to be related to the still-missing Jimmy...his uncle Walter, aunt Mary, and his younger sister, Leigh. Terry tries a pick-up line on Leigh, and Garrett informs him that she's only about 13 years old. Whoops! Aunt Mary notices that Jim hasn't arrived yet, but Nick promises that he will soon "pop up".

Uncle Walter mixes a cocktail at the bar, and asks Leigh to bring it to Mary. She carries it into the living room, but decides to drink it herself. The women all discuss Jim's fidelity, and Leigh plays devil's advocate, by implying that his long-distance job may cause him to be unfaithful. Then Cricket breaks the tension, by joking that she and Jordan will share him on alternating weekends.

Walt, in the meantime, bonds with the guys, by showing them how to make a Manhattan. He makes a toast to their future endeavors, and they all enjoy the drink. Then Mary asks the younger women to get her a joint. The scent of it reaches Jay--uh, I mean, "Terry"--and he goes in search of the source of the smell. Garrett joins him.

Before too long, Nick and Uncle Walt are alone at the bar. Can you believe that this thing has been on for half an hour, and we haven't seen a single death since the flashback sequence in the opening credits? I mean, a good slasher film needs about 1 death every 10 minutes or so. And the disappearances of Jimmy and Atticus don't really count, because their deaths haven't been confirmed yet. The production team on this one should take a class on how to set a steady pace in films.

Anyway: Nick and Uncle Walt. Nick makes another verbal slip-up, by admitting how much he's going to miss Jimmy. That sets off an alarm bell in Walt, who seems to be putting the whole plot together. Hey, maybe he saw Rope!

Later, everyone gathers at the dining room table, so that Mary can tell their futures. She predicts wild adventures for Terry; fame for Nick; and nothing else. Then it's mentioned that Jim is about 2 hours late, so Mary gets up to call his cell. As she finds her way to the study, Nick grabs a sword and follows her.

In the study, Nick stands behind Aunt Mary, trying to decide which angle would be best to impale her. She turns and sees the sword, and nearly has a heart attack. Nick leaves the room, then sprints past the other party people to crank up the stereo. Uncle Walt sees him getting flustered, and starts to put 2 and 2 together.

As predicted, the music drowns out the sound of Jim's phone. Jordan and Skyles are sitting next to the trunk holding the corpse, but when Skyler hears the faint ringtone, she dismisses it as part of the song. Then we get the least-talented dance montage ever put on film. From across the room, Uncle Walt continues to watch Nick with some suspicion.

After the song, Mary and Walt decide to head home. Before they leave, Nick makes another leading comment about Atticus. Serioiusly, if these numbskulls don't put the plot together soon, I'm going to crash the party and draw them a picture.

Then the doorbell rings yet again. It's not Jim, of's Hal. As Hal meets the other guests, Nick follows the elderly couple out the door, armed with a cane. At the elevator, he asks Walt what came after slim. Then he beats them both to death, wraps the corpses in plastic, and shoves them into a nearby room.

When he gets back to the party, Nick sees Leigh about to leave. Apparently, when Walt and Mary left, Mary forgot her tarot deck...or "magic plastic", as Leigh calls them. Magic plastic? In what universe does this movie take place? If I wanted to see some magic plastic, I'd just Google "Britney Spears boob pics"...

It takes a little effort, but Nick convinces Leigh to stay. They rejoin the others, who are playing a game of I Wonder What Happened To Jim?, the hottest game since Wheel of Fortune debuted. Of course, being a toothless, lame movie, none of that game is shown to us. It's a shame, because it might've been fun to see Nick squirm.

Then we get a long, dull conversation on bullfighting. The word that best describes the scene begins with "bull", but doesn't end with "fighting". It rhymes with "spit", if you know what I mean. As the scene winds down, Leigh gets up to use the bathroom.

Seeing an opportunity, Nick follows her. They make out, then Nick snaps her neck. He drops the body into the tub, then pulls the curtain to hide her. Just then, Jordan needs to use the toilet, so Nick concocts a story about a plumbing problem, and encourages her to use the other bathroom down the hall.

Back at the party, Hal learns that most of Nick's friends are in a rock band together. To stir the pot, he tells them that it's easier to gain fame through murder, and they all name their favorite murderers. When Nick rejoins them, he mentions Leopold and Loeb again. Then Terry gets up to use the can, while Skyles decides to attack the drunk professor. He knocks Hal to the floor, delivering punch after punch.

After the fight breaks up, Nick gets Hal a wet towel for his face, then gives him Mary's tarot deck. Nick hears Garrett and Cricket getting ready to leave, so he grabs a nail gun and follows them into the hall. After "nailing" them, he wraps the bodies up in more clear plastic, and drags them in with the others.

Then the elevator opens. It's a cute neighbor, Callie, who decided to join the party after hearing all the noise. Nick introducesher to the remaining guests, then has a spat with Jordan over their breakup. When Jordan stomps away, Nick apologizes and convinces her to stay.

Back in the penthouse, Nick fakes a call to Jimmy, as the rest of the group decide to play a game of Twister. Nick tells Jordan that Jimmy will be arriving shortly, then we get to suffer through a freaking Twister montage. While Skyles spins the arrow, he instructs the others on where to place their hands and feet.

Skyles then takes a break to use the bathroom, and Nick freaks out. Skyles never notices the dead body, and he and Jordan decide to go smoke up on the rooftop. As they leave, Nick sees Terry pouring drinks, and decides to poison at least one of them. Callie refuses her drink, and Nick watches everyone else with a nervous look on his face.

On the roof, Skyles vents about Hal, while Jordan tries to calm him down. Nick keeps watching the rest of the group drink their poisoned wine, then leaves to polish off Skyles and Jordan. Skyles tries to make a move on her, but Jordan leaves to return to the party.

While Skyles has his back turned, Nick strangles him. Then he leaves the body there, and tells the others that Skyles stormed off. When he tries to incorporate the almost-kiss that Skyles tried to give Jordan, she decides to leave. She is followed by Nick into the kitchen, just as Terry starts to feel the effects of being poisoned.

Callie sees Terry being dragged toward the bathroom, and decides to return home. Nick reveals to her that she was supposed to drink the wine, then he bashes her head with a pan, slams her face into the countertop, and drowns her in a pot of boiling liquid on the stove, before stuffing her into the oven.

Then Jordan and Hal yell for him to call 911. When Nick fails to respond, Jordan decides to call the paramedics herself, only to discover that the phone has no batteries in it. She confronts him about the phone, and Nick plays it cool. Hal walks in, and after hearing what their conversation was about, he realizes what Nick has done.

Jordan starts to leave, so Nick chases her. He dials Jim's number, and Jordan freaks out when the cell phone can be hear ringing in the chest. She finds Jim's body, and Hal starts to make a timeline of events, and we get a flashback of Jim's murder. After getting drunk, Jim had let Nick take him back to the penthouse. There, Nick tricked him into getting into the box, then trapped him in there. I'm not entirely sure how that killed the guy, but I also don't care at this point.

When Jordan demands to know why Nick murdered his friends, he tells her that he did it because he could. Hal tells him that he won't get away with it, but Nick reveals that he planted evidence in the college professor's pockets, so that he'd be blamed for the killings.

Hal, upon hearing this, decides to use a new tactic. He tells Nick that he wanted Nick to do this, and that he had been "training" Nick to become a killer, using the class lectures to give Nick ideas. Nick fires a gun at both of them until he runs out of bullets, and the pair run into the master bedroom.

While Nick reloads, Hal urges Jordan to help him find a weapon. Instead, she finds Uncle Atticus, just as Nick shoots the lock off of the bedroom door. Nick stabs Hal several times with the glass shards of the bong, as Jordan runs out of the room. She then discovers the bodies while running away, and escapes to the roof. Oh, and someone lived, because a hand grabs a weapon from Hal's body.

On the roof, Nick tries to shoot his ex, but Jordan jumps to another roof. Nick follows her, and she is cornered when she stops to try a maintenance door. She climbs a ladder to a higher level of the roof, where Nick has her trapped yet again. He reminds her that he has 1 bullet left, then takes aim.

The mystery survivor turns out to be Terry. He gets Jordan's attention, then slashes Nick's achilles tendon. Nick is then pushed off the rooftop, and crashes into the roof of a car. After a lingering shot of his corpse, we see Terry brag about how the numerous drugs he's taken made him immune to the poison. He and Jordan share a joint, and the closing credits roll. About midway through the credits, we see Hal open his eyes. THE END(?)

Yeesh. This one was just annoying to watch. 300 montages, terrible dialogue, bad dancing...this was horrible. 1 and a half killer trees out of 5 for R.S.V.P. from me.

And what did this week's movie teach me?

-Well, Jason Mewes is immune to death.

-Vegas is the easiest place in the world to kill people in.

-Pseudo-intellectual babble is pretty much the same as regular babble.

Next up, a gay-themed slasher film called HellBent. An old friend recommended it, saqying that it was bad enough to be entertaining. Let's hope so...see you soon! Oh, and I'll be trying to post it either today or tomorrow, to make up for the weeks I lost over computer crashes.