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Thursday, January 30, 2014

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

This week's SAW was kind of a legend for a few years, having been made, then unreleased until about a year or so ago. About the only way to see it was to attend a screening at a convention, or try to acquire a bootleg version. Luckily, it did finally get a wide release, and we can finally discover why All The Boys Love Mandy Lane! SPOILERS, obviously...

After we hear a school bell, we see Mandy Lane(played by the gorgeous Amber Heard) walking down a school corridor, as several students stare at her. She stops to talk to a boy sitting in front of a row of lockers, and they exit the school together. A prep-looking type pulls his pickup truck in front of the school to tell Mandy how hot she became over the summer, then he invites her to a pool party. Mandy accepts the invitation, but only if her male friend can go as well.

At the pool party, the douchebag jock tries to convince Mandy to strip down to her underwear, and she rebuffs his advances. When that fails to deter him, her scrawny male friend sprays him from across the pool with a squirt gun. The jock, now named Dylan, angrily pushes the nerdy guy into the pool, and dunks his head into the water, until Mandy asks him to stop.

Later, Dylan finds the nerd sitting alone on the roof overlooking the pool, and the 2 boys talk. They get drunk together, then Emmet(the nerdy teen) tells Dylan that Mandy would never fall for a guy who just tried to drown her best friend. As Emmet gets up to leave, he impulsively dares Dylan to jump off the roof into the pool with him, to impress Mandy.

Dylan hesitates, but now, the entire group is watching the roof. He agrees to the dare, but Emmet doesn't join him in the jump. Dylan lands with a sickening thud, and the pool fills with blood. Dylan dies, and Emmet is accused of killing him by some of the witnesses.

The story then jumps ahead to 9 months later. A stoner named Red brags to his buddies that he's invited Mandy Lane to party with him at the family ranch, but she still hasn't given him an answer yet. Currently, Mandy's trying to beat Emmet in a race, and she's easily outpacing him and the other runners behind them.

After the race, Emmet tries to give Mandy something that he wrote, but she's ushered away by another girl. Mandy eventually agrees to attend the party, then tells her Aunt Jo about the party when she and her cousin go home. Aunt Jo is raising Mandy, but there's no mention of what might have happened to her parents. While Mandy's looking at pictures of her parents and changing her shirt, a voyeur seems to be looking through her bedroom window.

The teens head out to a water tower to get high together, then steal a keg of beer for the party from a delivery guy. Then there's a random bit of nonsense about a teen getting a handjob. As they get closer to the ranch, the bitchy girl stops her vehicle, insisting that the main group in the pickup truck need to let her ride with them. Apparently, she feels that the dirt road might damage her car.

To remedy the situation, Mandy decides to walk the rest of the way to the ranch. A kid named Bird also decides to walk, and the others promise to send someone back for them if they take too long. Bird tells Mandy that he's not like the other boys, then proceeds to act EXACTLY like the other boys. Lucky for Mandy, another truck pulls up, driven by a guy named Garth. He was sent to pick them up, and Mandy is pretty happy to be rescued at that point...

They find the rest of the teens skeet-shooting, and Mandy stares at the ranch with some unease. After unpacking her bag, she goes for a quick run. Some blood on the trail catches her eye, and Mandy fails to find a source for the puddle. She examines it, then decides to join the others, who are swimming nearby.

She strips down to her undies again, and you can almost hear the BOOOOOING! sound of the boners in the water. Then, while the group is swimming and being silly, a massive snake shows up, and swims toward Mandy. A shot rings out, and it turns out that Garth has arrived to protect them. The teens quickly emerge from the water, thanking Garth as they go.

Back at the house, they get drunk and play Truth or Dare. Mandy gets distracted by a figure standing outside, and it's widely assumed by the others that it must be Garth. Mandy is dared to invite him to play the game, and she agrees. She goes looking for him at his guesthouse, and they chat, but he ultimately turns her down. Garth is worried about what Red's father would do if he knew that Garth was partying with teenagers.

Mandy returns just in time to hear that a guy named Jake is the least-endowed guy at the party. Ouch. Jake stomps off after they make fun of him, and a girl named Marlin chases after him. They talk while alone, and she offers to go down on him.

Jake's girlfriend, Chloe, decides to remove her shirt, then show off her goods  at the nearest window. She finds Garth staring up at her, but makes no move to conceal her nudity. Then Marlin is seen asking Jake to "return the favor", and he refuses. He not only leaves, but he takes the flashlight with him, abandoning Marlin in the dark barn.

Marlin hears somebody moving around in the dark, and assumes that it must be Jake. Whoever it is attacks her, knocking Marlin out cold. When she wakes up, she finds the barrel of a rifle in her mouth. The killer doesn't shoot her, but instead repeatedly jams it down her throat, until her injuries cause bleeding.

Jake returns to the party, telling the others  that Marlin left him to seduce Garth. Chloe locks herself in the nearest bathroom, where she decides to "trim the hedges", right then and there. While she's bushwhacking, Red is busy trying to get one of his buddies to fetch a beer for him, but they're all wasted and high. Oh, and they're all in the dark, because someone needs to go refuel the generator, but no one has yet.

Bird gets up to see if he can fix the generator and restore the power. Red decides to get himself a beer, since no one else will. And Mandy decides to go looking for candles, in case the generator can't be fixed. Oh, and Chloe screamed at one point, so they might need to check on her as well.

Bird arrives at the generator, and Garth interrupts him while he's trying to restart the generator. Garth informs him that the ranch just runs off of normal electricity, and that Bird was duped to get him away from Mandy. Sure enough, we see that Jake has a fuse in his shirt pocket, which he proudly shows Mandy.

Mandy tells him to put it back, and  he does, but only after he and Mandy have a brief fight. Then Bird returns to the ranch, and Jake decides to drive around and look for Marlin. He eventually ends up at a remote clearing near the water, where he sees Marlin crouching on the ground. Excited, he gets out of the truck to reach her.

He sees that her face is badly damaged, then an assailant in a hooded sweatshirt tries to shoot him. He misses, and Jake dives into the water to escape. The killer simply waits for him to come back  up for air, then shoots again. The rest of the teens hear the gun,but assume that Jake is just trying to scare them. A brief scene shows that the killer is Emmet.

Chloe asks Red and Bird to go find Jake, but they refuse. She decides to fetch him herself, but Garth meets her at the front door, armed with a gun of his own. He orders the drunk teens to stay inside, warning them that, if he hears another gunshot, he's going to call Red's father.

Then we see Emmet again. He's reading the pages of a private journal, and remembering how badly the other teens, including Mandy, have treated him in the past. He then grabs a large hunting knife, and prepares to resume his attack on the party.

As the remaining teens sit around and get bored, Chloe decides to ask Red if Garth is single. Red says that Garth used to have a family, but they died under mysterious circumstances. He also claims that Garth is a mentally unstable war veteran, but Chloe still seems interested.

Chloe gets high, then sees someone outside, covered in blood. None of her friends believe her, but Red goes to the front door to have a look. When he convinces her that no one is there, she has Mandy help her get to the nearest bathroom. Mandy watches her take a pill, and they nearly kiss, but the boys interrupt the encounter.

A vehicle is heard approaching the ranch, and they all assume that it must be Marlin and Jake, back from their adventures. It's Emmet, and he starts to launch fireworks at  them, as they all gather on the front porch of the ranch. Garth hears the commotion, and decides to call Red's parents. Mandy convinces him not to do that, but he still insists on keeping a closer eye on the remaining teens.

Oh, and speaking of remaining...Bird chose to chase the vehicle, and grabbed one of the rifles before he left. When the truck finally stops, he sees that the driver is Emmet, and the teens have a short scuffle. Emmet tells Bird that everyone, Emmet included, is going to be dead by the next morning, then he pulls out his knife, scraping it across Bird's face and eyes.

Bird tries to crawl away, but Emmet follows him. He taunts the blinded teen, then stabs him several times, until he dies. He tells Bird that he's sorry that he killed him, but then he changes his mind. That Emmet is one kooky nut!

Garth tells the teens a story about how he recently had to slaughter a herd of sick cattle, then most of them fall asleep. Yeah. Nice bedtime story. Garth and Mandy stay awake all night, then Garth asks her why she's not like the other teens.

Mandy tells Garth that her parents died, but we still don't know the story. He asks if she has an older sister, and she laughs, admitting that he probably wouldn't like her cousin as much. I have to admit, I'm getting pretty curious about the mysterious deaths of Mom and Dad Lane.

Emmet finds an empty house, and washes his face. He tries to call his own house, but no one there picks up the phone. Discouraged, he trudges back outside.

Garth hears noises in another part of the house, and decides to investigate. While he's upstairs, Emmet enters the ranch, and finds Mandy asleep in the kitchen. He reaches toward her with one bloody hand, and strokes her hair. At roughly the same time, Garth realizes that Emmet used an upstairs radio to distract him, and he rushes back to the kitchen.

Mandy is fine, but there's blood in her hair from where Emmet touched her. Also, he left her a message in the magnet-letters on the fridge, "WAKE UP", merely to scare her. She and Garth wake up Chloe and Red, then they all head to the front door.

Garth leads the way, and Emmet shoots him in the shoulder. As they slam the front door again, Garth urges the 3 teens to escape through the back door, but Mandy refuses. Red and Chloe pair up and leave, and manage to sneak around the side of the house without being seen. As they run down the dirt road, they find the bodies of their friends left out on display.

Then they find the vehicle that Emmet stole, and make their way toward it. They're so happy that they almost kiss, and the action is eerily paralleled with Mandy and Garth, who also look like they might share a kiss. Then Emmet pops up, and shoots Red, who keels over.

While Chloe tries to outrun Emmet, the intimate moment between Garth and Mandy passes. Chloe tries to hide from Emmet behind piles of hay, only to discover Bird's corpse in the process. Then Emmet nearly runs her over, while screaming obscenities at her. What a kidder! I can't wait to see him at the 10-year reunion!

Mandy leaves the ranch, and wanders into Garth's little shack. She finds a bloody knife, as well as a first aid kit, and a pile of bloody rags. She takes the knife, then sees Chloe heading her way. Mandy urges Chloe to head in her direction, then stabs her in the gut.

As Chloe falls to the ground, we find out that Emmet and Mandy planned the entire massacre together. They even planned out a suicide pact, with Mandy overdosing on pills, and Emmet being shot in the chest. He gives Mandy the pills, and asks her to take them now, then shoot him, so they can die together.

She leans in to kiss Emmet, then the freakin; DVD glitched up! Garth somehow showed up to stop them, and he and Emmet had some kind of altercation. I have no idea how much of the movie the DVD skipped over, but I have a feeling that I may have missed some major developments in there!

Anyway...Mandy is now running away from them, and Emmet is chasing her down.Mandy falls into the muddy pit where Garth slaughtered those cows, and she uses some cow bones to bludgeon Emmet to death. Then she returns to Garth's body, and helps him into a jeep. She has Garth convinced that she saved the day, then we see all of the teens alive again in a flashback, happy as clams. THE END

Wow, sucky timing for a DVD glitch! I wonder if that missing segment explained anything about why she did it? Weird. Still, the kills and the suspense were pretty decent. I'll give it 3.5 killer trees out of 5, as it was slightly above average.

And what did I learn after spending time with All The Boys Love Mandy Lane?

-If someone you know gets hot over the summer, they probably want to kill you.

-Most guys are walking, talking gonads, once we hit our teens.

-Cows make good murder weapons. Moo-rder?

Next week, up next, next on my queue, is You're Next. Wait, why am I next? What did I do???