Well, this week's "gem" stars Jason Mewes and is called R.S.V.P. That's pretty much all I know about it. Hopefully it'll be watchable, if not outright entertaining. As always, beware of SPOILERS beyond this point...
The story begins with a mysterious figure roaming the streets in the wee hours. He hops on a fire escape and climbs up to an apartment where another anonymous guy is sleeping. The figure also sees a woman in bed, and he attacks the couple. As the female victim screams, her spouse/lover is thrown at a wall-mounted mirror, breaking it.
The police arrive after the fact, and the detective leading the investigation sees messages on the apartment walls, scrawled in blood. One merely says, "Why?", and another is "WHY Did the quick brown fox Jump over the Lazy dog", with random letters capitalized.
In the next scene, an Irish-accented college professor(played by the late, great Glenn Quinn, of Angel and Roseanne fame), Hal Evans, is discussing the murders with his students. He mentions that the crime scene, which was in Las Vegas, was compromised by lazy, inattentive cops. The killer, who was dubbed "The Fox", got away, and committed 11 more murders before being caught.
After the class, 2 students, Nick and Jimmy, debate the professor's theories about mass murderers versus serial killers, and how easy it would be to get caught. Then we see Nick tell his friends that he and Jimmy are going out for drinks with Hal, but that they'll be at some sort of party later.
At the bar, Nick, Jimmy and Hal decide that a great mass murderer would be going after the "right" victims. The list includes lawyers, traffic cops, umpires and politicians. The list is pretty extensive, and it ends with mimes, so I'd go along with it. After the teacher leaves, Nick tells Jimmy about the Hitchcock movie Rope. which is about 2 men who kill a friend, stuff his body in a trunk, then throw a party and see if any of the guests can figure out what they've done. Gee, I wonder if this is foreshadowing?
After a brief scene showing that the film Rope was inspired by a pair of real-life killers, Leopold and Loeb, Nick realizes that he's been wasting his afternoon on the internet(me too, dude...). Nick finishes reading about the pair of killers, then sets up for the party. He hears a knock at the front door, and it's his first guest, Terry(the character plazyed by Jason Mewes). He's half an hour early... Snootchie bootchies, Jay!
Terry struts in, and we find out the names of the other characters, at least...Cricket, Leigh and Jordan. Terry whips out a bag of weed(of course...where the heck is Silent Bob?), and admires Nick's new chest in the living room. Geez, why are tthey drawing us a diagram this early on? Do the film's creators really think the audience is THAT slow?
Nick leaves the room, after telling Terry not to touch anything. Naturally, Terry starts drumming every object in sight, making a ton of noise in the process. In the next room, Nick opens a closet and starts to examine a series of rifles, before settling on one. He rushes at Terry and points the weapon at his frightened face, only to reveal that the "gun" is actually a bong.
That leads directly into a "bong-packing montage", which has to be a first in the history of montages. After it's revealed that the house belongs to an Uncle Atticus, there's a subtle suggestion that perhaps Nick killed him. Then another guest arrives, and Terry leaps at the intercom to make weird heavy-breathing noises. The person at the front door has a sexy female voice, so Nick and Terry sprint to the front door, each wanting to be the first to greet her.
It's Jordan, Nick's ex. Oh, and she happens to be dating Jimmy. Awwwwwwkward! They all proceed to get high and drunk, and then the others arrive. They brought along another guest, a Matthew McConaughey look-alike with the improbable name of Skyles, and a black dude named Garrett. Jordan greets them at the door with a sword and a weird skull that looks like it came from the game Grim Fandango.
After the group explores the house, Nick makes his first revealing mistake, by revealing that Uncle Atticus WAS eccentric, pretty much confessing that the old man is dead. He's either a really dumb killer, or the screenwriters were doing this script while half-asleep. Either way, no one seems to notice his faux pas.
As the party kicks into "high" gear yet again, Jordan worries about Jimmy not showing up. Then Nick scares Cricket by sneaking up on her with a scalpel, as she's looking for a coathanger on the closet floor. Nick ushers her out of the closet, then viciously kicks something that looks a lot like a dead body wrapped up on the floor. Uncle Atticus? Jimmy? Kid? McCloud? Columbo?
While everyone's getting tanked, there's a sequence showing Hal driving past the casinos in Vegas. He looks pretty dazed, but the movie shifts gears back to the party without any further explanation. Hey, didn't that killer from the first scene kill some folks in Vegas? Hmmm...
More guests arrive for the party, and everyone decides to hide and "surprise" them. Everybody. As in, who the heck is going to answer the door? Damn, these folks are stupid. This movie is a great anti-drug public service announcement.
The "guests" turn out to be related to the still-missing Jimmy...his uncle Walter, aunt Mary, and his younger sister, Leigh. Terry tries a pick-up line on Leigh, and Garrett informs him that she's only about 13 years old. Whoops! Aunt Mary notices that Jim hasn't arrived yet, but Nick promises that he will soon "pop up".
Uncle Walter mixes a cocktail at the bar, and asks Leigh to bring it to Mary. She carries it into the living room, but decides to drink it herself. The women all discuss Jim's fidelity, and Leigh plays devil's advocate, by implying that his long-distance job may cause him to be unfaithful. Then Cricket breaks the tension, by joking that she and Jordan will share him on alternating weekends.
Walt, in the meantime, bonds with the guys, by showing them how to make a Manhattan. He makes a toast to their future endeavors, and they all enjoy the drink. Then Mary asks the younger women to get her a joint. The scent of it reaches Jay--uh, I mean, "Terry"--and he goes in search of the source of the smell. Garrett joins him.
Before too long, Nick and Uncle Walt are alone at the bar. Can you believe that this thing has been on for half an hour, and we haven't seen a single death since the flashback sequence in the opening credits? I mean, a good slasher film needs about 1 death every 10 minutes or so. And the disappearances of Jimmy and Atticus don't really count, because their deaths haven't been confirmed yet. The production team on this one should take a class on how to set a steady pace in films.
Anyway: Nick and Uncle Walt. Nick makes another verbal slip-up, by admitting how much he's going to miss Jimmy. That sets off an alarm bell in Walt, who seems to be putting the whole plot together. Hey, maybe he saw Rope!
Later, everyone gathers at the dining room table, so that Mary can tell their futures. She predicts wild adventures for Terry; fame for Nick; and nothing else. Then it's mentioned that Jim is about 2 hours late, so Mary gets up to call his cell. As she finds her way to the study, Nick grabs a sword and follows her.
In the study, Nick stands behind Aunt Mary, trying to decide which angle would be best to impale her. She turns and sees the sword, and nearly has a heart attack. Nick leaves the room, then sprints past the other party people to crank up the stereo. Uncle Walt sees him getting flustered, and starts to put 2 and 2 together.
As predicted, the music drowns out the sound of Jim's phone. Jordan and Skyles are sitting next to the trunk holding the corpse, but when Skyler hears the faint ringtone, she dismisses it as part of the song. Then we get the least-talented dance montage ever put on film. From across the room, Uncle Walt continues to watch Nick with some suspicion.
After the song, Mary and Walt decide to head home. Before they leave, Nick makes another leading comment about Atticus. Serioiusly, if these numbskulls don't put the plot together soon, I'm going to crash the party and draw them a picture.
Then the doorbell rings yet again. It's not Jim, of course...it's Hal. As Hal meets the other guests, Nick follows the elderly couple out the door, armed with a cane. At the elevator, he asks Walt what came after slim. Then he beats them both to death, wraps the corpses in plastic, and shoves them into a nearby room.
When he gets back to the party, Nick sees Leigh about to leave. Apparently, when Walt and Mary left, Mary forgot her tarot deck...or "magic plastic", as Leigh calls them. Magic plastic? In what universe does this movie take place? If I wanted to see some magic plastic, I'd just Google "Britney Spears boob pics"...
It takes a little effort, but Nick convinces Leigh to stay. They rejoin the others, who are playing a game of I Wonder What Happened To Jim?, the hottest game since Wheel of Fortune debuted. Of course, being a toothless, lame movie, none of that game is shown to us. It's a shame, because it might've been fun to see Nick squirm.
Then we get a long, dull conversation on bullfighting. The word that best describes the scene begins with "bull", but doesn't end with "fighting". It rhymes with "spit", if you know what I mean. As the scene winds down, Leigh gets up to use the bathroom.
Seeing an opportunity, Nick follows her. They make out, then Nick snaps her neck. He drops the body into the tub, then pulls the curtain to hide her. Just then, Jordan needs to use the toilet, so Nick concocts a story about a plumbing problem, and encourages her to use the other bathroom down the hall.
Back at the party, Hal learns that most of Nick's friends are in a rock band together. To stir the pot, he tells them that it's easier to gain fame through murder, and they all name their favorite murderers. When Nick rejoins them, he mentions Leopold and Loeb again. Then Terry gets up to use the can, while Skyles decides to attack the drunk professor. He knocks Hal to the floor, delivering punch after punch.
After the fight breaks up, Nick gets Hal a wet towel for his face, then gives him Mary's tarot deck. Nick hears Garrett and Cricket getting ready to leave, so he grabs a nail gun and follows them into the hall. After "nailing" them, he wraps the bodies up in more clear plastic, and drags them in with the others.
Then the elevator opens. It's a cute neighbor, Callie, who decided to join the party after hearing all the noise. Nick introducesher to the remaining guests, then has a spat with Jordan over their breakup. When Jordan stomps away, Nick apologizes and convinces her to stay.
Back in the penthouse, Nick fakes a call to Jimmy, as the rest of the group decide to play a game of Twister. Nick tells Jordan that Jimmy will be arriving shortly, then we get to suffer through a freaking Twister montage. While Skyles spins the arrow, he instructs the others on where to place their hands and feet.
Skyles then takes a break to use the bathroom, and Nick freaks out. Skyles never notices the dead body, and he and Jordan decide to go smoke up on the rooftop. As they leave, Nick sees Terry pouring drinks, and decides to poison at least one of them. Callie refuses her drink, and Nick watches everyone else with a nervous look on his face.
On the roof, Skyles vents about Hal, while Jordan tries to calm him down. Nick keeps watching the rest of the group drink their poisoned wine, then leaves to polish off Skyles and Jordan. Skyles tries to make a move on her, but Jordan leaves to return to the party.
While Skyles has his back turned, Nick strangles him. Then he leaves the body there, and tells the others that Skyles stormed off. When he tries to incorporate the almost-kiss that Skyles tried to give Jordan, she decides to leave. She is followed by Nick into the kitchen, just as Terry starts to feel the effects of being poisoned.
Callie sees Terry being dragged toward the bathroom, and decides to return home. Nick reveals to her that she was supposed to drink the wine, then he bashes her head with a pan, slams her face into the countertop, and drowns her in a pot of boiling liquid on the stove, before stuffing her into the oven.
Then Jordan and Hal yell for him to call 911. When Nick fails to respond, Jordan decides to call the paramedics herself, only to discover that the phone has no batteries in it. She confronts him about the phone, and Nick plays it cool. Hal walks in, and after hearing what their conversation was about, he realizes what Nick has done.
Jordan starts to leave, so Nick chases her. He dials Jim's number, and Jordan freaks out when the cell phone can be hear ringing in the chest. She finds Jim's body, and Hal starts to make a timeline of events, and we get a flashback of Jim's murder. After getting drunk, Jim had let Nick take him back to the penthouse. There, Nick tricked him into getting into the box, then trapped him in there. I'm not entirely sure how that killed the guy, but I also don't care at this point.
When Jordan demands to know why Nick murdered his friends, he tells her that he did it because he could. Hal tells him that he won't get away with it, but Nick reveals that he planted evidence in the college professor's pockets, so that he'd be blamed for the killings.
Hal, upon hearing this, decides to use a new tactic. He tells Nick that he wanted Nick to do this, and that he had been "training" Nick to become a killer, using the class lectures to give Nick ideas. Nick fires a gun at both of them until he runs out of bullets, and the pair run into the master bedroom.
While Nick reloads, Hal urges Jordan to help him find a weapon. Instead, she finds Uncle Atticus, just as Nick shoots the lock off of the bedroom door. Nick stabs Hal several times with the glass shards of the bong, as Jordan runs out of the room. She then discovers the bodies while running away, and escapes to the roof. Oh, and someone lived, because a hand grabs a weapon from Hal's body.
On the roof, Nick tries to shoot his ex, but Jordan jumps to another roof. Nick follows her, and she is cornered when she stops to try a maintenance door. She climbs a ladder to a higher level of the roof, where Nick has her trapped yet again. He reminds her that he has 1 bullet left, then takes aim.
The mystery survivor turns out to be Terry. He gets Jordan's attention, then slashes Nick's achilles tendon. Nick is then pushed off the rooftop, and crashes into the roof of a car. After a lingering shot of his corpse, we see Terry brag about how the numerous drugs he's taken made him immune to the poison. He and Jordan share a joint, and the closing credits roll. About midway through the credits, we see Hal open his eyes. THE END(?)
Yeesh. This one was just annoying to watch. 300 montages, terrible dialogue, bad dancing...this was horrible. 1 and a half killer trees out of 5 for R.S.V.P. from me.
And what did this week's movie teach me?
-Well, Jason Mewes is immune to death.
-Vegas is the easiest place in the world to kill people in.
-Pseudo-intellectual babble is pretty much the same as regular babble.
Next up, a gay-themed slasher film called HellBent. An old friend recommended it, saqying that it was bad enough to be entertaining. Let's hope so...see you soon! Oh, and I'll be trying to post it either today or tomorrow, to make up for the weeks I lost over computer crashes.