Christmas Evil

So, Christmas Eve I was floored by the flu, and was pretty much laid out until Friday. With that in mind, pretend that this is Christmas Day, and this movie still works just fine. Now, let's all go meet beneath the mistletoe, and exchange SPOILERS...

Okay, so Christmas Evil begins with a Troma logo(!), then tells us that it's Christmas Eve, circa 1947.  Santa drops down into the chimney of a house, then washes his hands in a bowl of water as 2 children spy on him. He then makes himself a snack and a drink, as Mom joins her kids. So Santa sightings were pretty common after WWII, I guess?

He puts presents under the tree, and starts filling up the stockings. One of the boys begins giggling, so Santa finishes his work, then disappears. And so does the family, literally speaking. POOF! Crazy, huh?

The 2 boys, Billy and Harry, then argue over whether it was actually Santa, or just their father. Well, let's look at the evidence: Does Daddy slide down chimneys? Does he have warlock powers that allow him to teleport himself and others from room to room? Wait, he DOES??? Oh crap kids, your dad's Satan!!!

Anyway, still convinced that Santa's real, Harry hears a noise and sneaks back downstairs to check it out. He finds Mommy being touched and kissed in the fa-la-la's, then he rushes upstairs to calm himself down. Instead, he smashes a snow globe, the picks up a jagged shard of glass from the mess. He cuts his hand, and the credits begin.

As the movie resumes, Harry is seen as a middle-aged man with a serious Santa fetish. His pajamas are a Santa suit, his bedroom is decorated for the holiday 10 times over, and he even pauses before his morning shave to admire his shaving-cream beard.  Imagine the creepiest pedophile-guy you can imagine, then multiply the creepy level by infinite, and you've got Harry.

No wait, our pal Harry just got creepier. He went up to his roof with a pair of binoculars, and watched children through their apartment windows, to determine which ones were naughty or nice. Yeah, nothing abnormal there...Aw geez, then he writes it all down in a journal. He doesn't have a human head collection somewhere, does he?

As it turns out, creepy Harry spends his days working at the Jolly Dreams toy factory, building toys on an assembly line. And not even fun toys, but piles of plastic with no movable parts. I'd go crazy too, if I were in his place.

Harry starts to get tense and frustrated, and cuts his hand with a toy's sharp edge. At the end of the day, he decides to go to a bar called The Odd Couple Lounge, and throw back a few with Felix and Oscar.(See, kids, there was this comedy called The Odd Couple, and--oh, just go look it up!) I guess the cut wasn't serious enough to get it checked out... Before he even gets in the front door, he hears a co-worker bragging about how he duped Harry into working late. Harry rushes home to have a tantrum, then has flashbacks to his childhood, while being a peeping Tom at someone's house.

The next morning, Harry gets lazy, and watches the Thanksgiving Day parade while having breakfast on the couch. He calls his brother, and tells him that he has plans for Christmas. Then Harry hangs up on Billy to watch Santa appear at the end of the parade.

He steps into the bathroom to start putting on the Santa outfit, as city worlers are shown cleaning up in the aftermath of the parade. As night falls, he even re-paints his vehicle to look "festive", and makes an ominous-sounding "naughty" list of potential victims. Let's hope he never reads my blog!

Harry stops at one boy's home, then rubs his hands and face in either motor oil or mud, and "marks" the house by leaving an imprint of his hands and face on the wall. As the boy and his mother rush out for Mass, Harry swiftly dives into the bushes. The boy, Mark, sees Harry, and decides to get a closer look. As he nearly gets nabbed and runs back to his mother, she slaps the boy for lying. Then they leave.

Harry returns home, revealing his own "workshop", where he makes weird toys. Then he goes to the annual office Christmas party. There, he discovers that the factory is donating their cheap-ass toys to hospitals. Harry storms out, then steals toys off of the assembly line, and fills a sack with them for his role as Santa.
He fills 2 other sacks with dirt. Oh, and he Super-glues his Santa beard to his face. Watch that for his super freak-out in the mirror.

Now totally crazy, Harry goes to young Mark's house, and leaves him a sack of dirt and a silly picture. Wow, that'll show him! Oh, and he vandalizes most of the gifts beneath the tree. Party animal.

Next up, Harry visits a hospital with Mark's gifts, A doubtful night watchman won't let him in, but several staff members buy into his Santa Schtick, and he leaves them smiling.

He sees several well-to-do people leaving a midnight mass, and a few closest to him mock his appearance. Harry retaliates by killing one with a long pick to the eye, and using an ax on the other 3. Then he drives away again as the rest of the crowd screams.

Harry eventually pulls his van over to calm himself down, and decides to walk for a while to clear his head. He finds a dance going full swing, and is ushered inside by some of those in attendance. So much for a clear head.

Several children surround him, so Harry gives them gifts. Then he dances for the group. Before he leaves, he tells everyone to be good, and they'll get good presents. But, if they get naughty, he promises to bring them something "horrible", which brings a tense silence to the room. He ends with a laugh, though, so it's all good.

Harry finds a ladder, and climbs up to someone's roof. He gets stuck in their chimney, but finally manages to squeeze his way back out again. He breaks in through the basement instead, and moves through the place until he arrives in the living room.

It turns out to be the home of the co-worker who made him work late, so he suffocates the guy with his bag of toys/dirt/whatever, then stabs the wife in the chest. Loud screams send him running away.

On Christmas Day, Bill and his wife hear about the killing spree the previous night, and assume it was Harry. After yelling about how best to deal with the situation, they still have no ideas. That whole scene was useless filler.

Harry goes back to the toy factory. Why? Because he wants to run all the conveyor belts at the same time. Why??? Well, because then Harry can watch as all of the crappy toys hit the floor and break. Perfectly logical!

The police arrange a line-up of killer Santa suspects. Totally not joking, I swear. Funniest scene in the damned movie. I wish this one scene could be a movie. "Number 3, step forward. Now chuckle like your tummy is a bowl full of jelly!" "Number 5, yell out 'Merry Christmas!"

Harry calls his brother, and rants and raves. Then he sees himself in a mirror. After a statement about dying, Harry heads out again. He finds a house surrounded by flourescent snowmen and reindeer, then begins to walk around among them.

A group of children see him, and their parents realize who he is. One angry father pulls out a switchblade, but Harry gets the weapon from him and escapes as the angry adults chase him. One old biddy even pokes him in the face with a brooch.

Somehow, the group end up with torches, and it becomes a Frankenstein-style pursuit. Harry barely escapes in his van, and goes to Bill for help. Angry at Harry for the trouble he caused, Bill strangles him until he passes out.

Bill panics, the stuffs Harry's body into the front seat of his van. Thing is, Harry wakes up and gets away yet again. With everyone chasing Harry again, he drives the van off of a bridge....where it flies away toward the moon. Literally. THE END

Well, that was....different. Not really a slasher, but not sure what genre it really fits. Odd. 2 killer trees out of 5, and one of those points goes entirely to the police line-up bit. Comic gold.

And what did I learn from Christmas Evil?

-Cars can fly.

-Santa prefers basements over rooftops.

-Toys made here are cheap plastic crap. Like most supermodels!

Next on my list is something called Dark House. Oooooh, scaaaary!

Santa Claws

'Twas several nights after Christmas and it had many flaws,
Because I ended up watching something called Santa Claws.
It had lots of sex, it seemed less slasher than porn,
But it sucked as a slasher, so it's getting my scorn!
SPOILERS will follow, as they always do,
So if you want to see it first, I bid you adieu!

The film starts off with a young boy named Wayne.
He saw Mom boinking a stranger, which drove him insane!
Wayne grabbed up a gun and shot them both dead,
Then the credits came on, when I wanted gore instead!
Our heroine is a model, named Raven Quinn,
She poses in the nude, wearing not so much as a grin.
Wayne's now her neighbor, as well as grown-up,
And has an unhealthy obsession with her double-D cups...

One day they chat, and she treats him real nice...
So he decides to put all of her co-workers on ice!
Oh, and he keeps on a table a mannequin's head,
Which looks like Raven (but much less brain-dead).

To make matters worse, Raven's single--and how!
Her husband's a photographer, and has models to plow...
His mother and sister tell lies to Raven's kids,
Blaming her for the marriage being on the skids.

At about this time, Wayne starts up his plan
Helping her get ready for Christmas, that crazy lovestruck man!
He screws up though, by moving too fast,
And when Raven gets pissed, his brief happiness has passed.

She then starts to flirt,
Boy, I wonder why her mood changed?
(Oh wait, it's a delusion...
I forgot he was deranged.)

His first victim, another actress, is killed after a shower,
He uses a claw, killing the delicate flower.
The claw is like one from Raven's last flick,
So Wayne adopts that movie-killer's dumb-as-Hell shtick.

After killing the starlet, Wayne attacks an old man,
He worked at the studio, 'til Wayne kicked his can...
The very next day, Wayne buries the bodies in snow,
Which isn't too bright, 'cause it melts, y'know?

In the next scene, the ex is photographing a sexy witch,
And when Raven calls him, it's her he tries to ditch!
Raven wants to talk, try to work the marriage out,
But her ex is busy getting tits shoved up his snout.

Wayne, by the way, slips Raven's kids sleeping pills,
While we watch another "starlet" strip for cheap thrills.
When the kids are out cold, Wayne buys a Santa suity,
And we see more of that random stripper's booty.

When she gets home, the girl pets her pussy....a cat!
Why, there's nothing at all sleazy about that!
Then she gets naked, and fills her tub up with bubbles,
But Wayne ruins my fun, and just causes her troubles.

He knocks at her door, and gets into her house,
And kills her, that rude, psychotic louse!
Then he resumes babysitting, before Raven gets home,
And she never suspects that they've been drugged and home alone.

The next night, Raven has to "model" again,
So she asks Wayne, once more, to watch her children.
He starts spray-painting his new Santa costume black,
Probably to prepare for his next lame attack.

Unexpectedly, Raven's hubby makes a surprise return home-a,
And finds his kids in a Wayne-induced coma.
He assumes that Raven drugged the poor kids,
And plans to confront over what he thinks she did!

The ex grabs the phone, first to call his mom,
She of course has no idea what's going on.
She tells him that Wayne has taken over babysitting the kids,
And the whole thing makes the ex incredibly livid!!!

He goes next door, but Wayne isn't home,
So he returns to the house, so the kids won't be alone.
He waits for his mom and sis to arrive,
Then goes off to find Raven, as fast as he can drive.

Back in the studio, Raven's removed her top,
This scene is so good, why must it stop?
But alas, it does end, just as Wayne sneaks in,
Later, I'll rewind it, though, again and again!

Wayne kills a secretary, then stashes her in the john,
By the time she's discovered, he hopes to be long-gone!
This all occurs just as the ex knocks at the door,
Some dude lets him in, because the security's piss-poor.

The flunky's the next guy that Wayne kills,
He should be a hitman, the guy's got mad skills!
While this is going on, the ex finds his wife,
And informs her about the looney now in her life.

Wayne interrupts them, in his Santa suit made black,
And Raven now sees that's he totally whacked.
She tries real hard to reason with the guy,
But he decides that the couple both have to die.

The ex and Wayne get into a fight,
When Wayne gets knocked down, the couple escape into the night.
He corners poor Raven, knocks the husband out cold,
Is this thing close to done? It's getting kinda old!

The ex wakes up, and Wayne attacks him once more,
While Raven just stands there, useless to her core.
When Wayne drops his claw to strangle the guy,
Raven finally does more than simply stand by!

She picks up the claw and stabs Wayne from behind,
And shows love for her hubby, who responds in kind.
The ending shows the family together at last,
Putting their troubles squarely into the past. THE END

Sheesh. You know a movie's bad when you get so bored watching it, you start reviewing it like Dr. Seuss. The worst part is, it fails as both a softcore porno AND a slasher flick! How did they manage to do THAT??? It gets 3 killer trees for all of the gratuitous cleavage-baring, and a -1 as a bland and uninteresting slasher flick...so, "2", I guess(although that still seems like way too high of a score.)

I never thought I'd say this, but next week, I'll be glad to watch the next Friday the 13th sequel. See? See how badly this thing traumatized me? I'd like to deck somebody's halls, I'll tell ya that right now!