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Monday, November 1, 2010

Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

New movie, same Jason(sorta). That's the quickest way to sum up Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. Oh, and since this is the "final chapter", that must mean that the next 7 movies or so are the world's longest epilogue. Also, this movie is the first one to introduce Jason as a the first 3, he was alive. Get comfy, turn out the lights, and grab your popcorn and soda: it's SPOILER tiiiiiiiime!

The very first scene is a recap of The Story So Far, as told around a campfire to a bunch of teenagers. We get a basic highlight reel: Jason's drowning is shown; Crazy Ralph and others are seen giving dire warnings; we get to see the dream sequence at the end of the first film again; Jason's mother being beheaded; and then a montage of most of the "best" death-scenes, followed by a zoom-in of the hockey mask and the title sequence going up in flames.

Right off the bat, we have some interesting names in the credits. Corey Feldman plays the "first" Tommy Jarvis, a sort-of anti-Jason. Also we get Marty McFly's dad, Crispin Glover, before he just took batshit-crazy roles in movies(although I loved him in Willard and the 2 Charlie's Angel's films, so maybe there's a method to his madness.). But the best part of the credits? NO DISCO! Yup, the iconic theme song is back. Sweeeeet. Oh, and the make-up is done by the master himself, Tom Savini. This may end up being pretty good!

After the credits, we get a police-baricaded crime scene. As bodies are being hauled away, a few cops are bagging evidence in the barn where Jason spent most of the last movie dispatching his victims. Two of them remove the axe from Jason's head and bag it up, before covering him up with a sheet. Right on cue, an ambulance arrives to cart Jason's corpse away. When the paramedics get next to Jason, his hand brushes against one of them for a cheap scare. As all of the vehicles leave, we get a lingering overhead view of the campsite, and I expected some kind of jump-scare. Nope. Nothing happens.

At the hospital, the paramedics pass off the corpse to a slob in the morgue named Axel. Being a dedicated, serious professional, Axel leaves Jason's body alone in the morgue so he can go flirt with a cute nurse. At first, she rebuffs his advances, but eventually the cute nurse agrees to meet him later in the morgue. How romantic! Once there, she realizes Axel is missing, but he left her some softcore aerobics to get her in the mood. A body behind her rises up to grab her, and of course it's just Axel. The moron.

The nurse insists on watching the news, and Axel tells her that the body behind them is none other than the killer they mentioned on the newscast. This somehow gets her horny. Once again, Jason's hand shoots out from under the sheet, scaring the nurse enough to make her leave. She goes into a medical supply room to do some inventory, and proceeds to drop several bottles in the process. Axel meanwhile, pushes Jason into a drawer, but the door doesn't entirely close. Hmmmmm....I wonder what will happen?

Axel goes back to watching Sexercise, and Jason sneaks up behind him to cut his throat with a hacksaw. Then he twists Axel's head around completely, before turning his attention to the nurse. As expected, she's STILL picking up her mess of broken bottles, so she doesn't see or hear Jason enter the supply room. He waits for her to turn around before lifting her in the air by her neck, and stabbing her to death. That Jason's a thoughtful guy.

Abruptly, the story shifts to a family, the Jarvis clan. There's Tommy, a video game and horror movie geek, played by what I'm assuming is a pre-Goonies Corey Feldman; Mama Jarvis, a mom who likes to jog, and is divorced; and Tommy's sister Trish, whose ears perk up when she hears that a group of young people moved in next door. Oh, and the family dog, Gordon, also shows up

Right on cue, we meet the new batch of victims: an overweight hippy-chick, who dies less than a minute after we meet her, when Jason shoves a knife through the back of her neck and through her throat; the new neighbors Paul, Samantha, Sara(a "good girl"), Doug, Ted(a headbanger) and Jimmy(Crispin Glover's character, a wannabe sex-stud); and some cute twins, Tina and Terri, who they meet the following day. Happy hunting, Jason!

Anyway, after everyone settles in, we get a scene between Sara(who is a virgin) and Sam, who is Paul's girlfriend. They talk about sex mostly, and the sleeping arrangements. It turns out that Sara is getting a male roomie, but there are bunk-beds. Fascinating, Spock.

Next up, the Jarvis girls are hanging out on the sofa, both reading. Trish decides to go to bed, and Mom reminds her to be ready to go jogging at 6 a.m. As Trish leaves the room, we get a brief glimpse at a newspaper headline about Jason's many victims.

Tommy is having an early night of his own, by spying on one of the girls next door undressing near an open window. While peeping, he has some kind of psychotic fit, making animal sounds and jumping on his bed. Good to know Feldman was ALWAYS a freak, I guess. I'd wager he did this act the first time he had sex, too. Mrs. Jarvis comes in to tuck the perv in, and sees what's going on across the way. While Tommy pretends to be asleep, she draws the shade closed.

The following day, the teens decide to explore the forest and try to find the lake. When the hike takes longer than expected, Sara offers to walk back to get the vehicle and pick them up. She starts to hear someone following her, and...the next scene shows the rest of the group swimming at the lake. Faster than you can say, "We're half an hour into this thing....DIE ALREADY!!", they start skinny-dipping. This just went from being a tedious chore, to being the BEST MOVIE THIS WEEK.

Sadly, it doesn't last very long. Trish and Tommy arrive, and Trish whisks her younger brother away before he(and we) can see anything good. As luck would have it, the car breaks down. Sheesh. Tommy offers to fix it, because you really want a kid around the age of 10 screwing around with your car engine...

Back at the lake, Sara refuses to go skinny-dipping. Dagnabbit! Her friend Sam tries to coax her to go skinny-dipping, but she still refuses. So Sam does what any rational human being would do: she disappears under the water until Sara gives in. When Sara panics and assumes that Sam is drowning, Sam yanks her into the water. That's what friends are for!

Back at the car, Tommy and Trish meet Rob, a guy hunting bear in the area. He fixes the car in 2 seconds, so they give him a lift to their house. As expected, Mama Jarvis is less than thrilled to meet the armed stranger her kids picked up. Before she can object though, Tommy drags Rob upstairs to show him all the monster masks Tom Savini...Uh, I mean, "he" made.

The other house of young people is settling in for the night. Jimmy asks one of the girls to dance, then proceeds to spaz out in the weirdest dance scene ever filmed. Mercifully, the music is switched to a slower song, and the scene ends. After a brief bit where Trish says goodbye to Rob, we get more lame dancing from next door. Sam leaves to go blow off some steam, which involves getting naked and swimming out to the middle of the lake to retrieve a raft. Jason, as it turns out, blows off steam by driving sharp blades up through rafts, and into womens' torsos.

Paul leaves the house next, and Tina hooks up with Jimmy. Paul goes swimming too, finds the body of Sam in the raft, and tries to swim away, but Jason harpoons him in the crotch and lifts him into the air. See, this is why you should always wear a cup. Oh, and is it just me, or are there waaaay too many swimming deaths in this thing? It's like how most of the kills in the 3rd one were in that stupid barn.

In fact, here's an idea: have the next movie stage all the deaths around summer camp activities. Have Jason kill 2 teens by rubbing them together to start a fire. Have him tie bodies up into different kinds of knots. Have him assemble a raft out of bodies. Heck, Jason can even make a human s'more, by killing an albino between 2 other teens. I don't know, just be CREATIVE!!!

Wait, was I watching a movie? Oh yeah. So now we get to spend some time with Rob, our hiking camper who carries a large knife and hates bears with a vengeance. He grabs his trusty machete and decides to aimlessly wander around the woods in the dark. Smart guy, this Rob is. He hears a sound back at his makeshift campsite, and finds that someone has been in his tent and destroyed his belongings.

Jimmy and Tina end up in Ted's bedroom, and she unbuttons her shirt for a brief, tantalizing nanosecond. Sadly, the bed breaks the second they get on it. While these 2 dumbasses try to repair the bed, Ted finds a filmstrip from the Silent Movie Era. Exciting. He sets it up, and the main group of teens yuk it up, while Jimmy Gets His Groove Back upstairs with Tina. Terri wants to leave, but when Tina refuses, Terri decides to go out by herself.

Terri then decides to take seven hours to put on a raincoat and call Tina a slut. As she grabs a bicycle and starts to leave, Jason pins her to the house with his trusty blade. Of course, no one inside can hear the murder, seeing as they're watching a SILENT FILM. Sara, the virgin, announces that she'd like to be de-flowered, and the guy who was in that sci-fi show from the late '70's accepts the offer.(the show was something about a teen who was an alien named Matt Starr. Anyone else remember this?)

Before we get to see an actual virgin sacrifice, the scene shifts back to the Jarvis house. Mama Jarvis notices that the power is out, and her kids are nowhere to be found. When she can't find the dog either, that's when she decides to worry. She goes outside to look for the dog, and--

Tommy and Trish are driving around. What happened to Mrs. Jarvis? I dunno. Tommy criticizes his sister's driving prowess, and the scene ends. Short and sweet. And entirely pointless. Sara, by the way, is now in her underwear. And THAT also goes nowhere. *sigh*

While we wait for the director to get his shit together, let's re-visit Tommy and Trish. They finally get back home. While looking for their mother, Trish tells Tommy to see if he can fix the lights. What is she busy doing? Well, Trish finds Rob's tent and sits in there for a bit. Just to recap: While her young, preteen brother is doing the job of an electrician, Trish is SITTING OUTSIDE IN A STRANGER'S FUCKING TENT.

After accepting the award for Sister of the Year, Trish is attacked by a machete-weilding psychopa....wait, no, it's just Rob. He's waving a weapon around and slashing his own tent, but nope, nothing suspicious about that!

Jimmy and Tina finish "doing it". Jimmy asks her if he was okay, and she tells him that Biff was better. Nah, just kidding. Jimmy goes downstairs to tell Ted that he "did the deed", and he enters the kitchen to have a celebratory drink. Jason pins his hand to a countertop then plants a machete in his head. Hello, McFly! When Tina gets back from the bathroom, Jason pulls her through a window and flings her to the ground.

In the tent, we find out that Rob's sister was one of Jason's victims. He's not hunting bear, he's hunting Jason. He tells Trish that Jason's body disappeared, and he believes that Jason is alive and on another killing spree. This causes Trish to panic, as she finally remembers that she left her kid brother alone in the house, wandering around with only a flashlight.

Before we get to see Jason murder a child, he first turns his attention to the few teens left next door. He starts with Ted, by sneaking behind the projection screen, waiting for Ted to walk up to the screen, then stabbing him through it. Then Jason moves upstairs. He waits for Sara to get out of the shower, and kills Matthew Starr by pushing his head into the bathroom tiles, then impaling him on the broken shower door. Jason then murders Sara by plunging an axe through her chest.

After Tommy gets the power back on at the Jarvis house, Trish and Rob find him. Jason destroys the phone line, and Trish tells Tommy to wait there while she and Rob use the phone next door. They even take the dog. We then have to endure another dreary "find all the dead bodies" sequence. Oh, and the most awesome moment in the history of this franchise occurs: while Rob and Trish explore the house, Gordon the dog decides to say "Aw, the Hell with you dumb humans!", and escapes by smashing through a window. Good for you, Gordon!

Trish looks for signs of life, while Tommy goes through Rob's backpack. He reads several articles about Jason, and sees a picture of what witnesses reported seeing. While he's reading, Trish is looking at the carnage in the upstairs bathroom. She freaks out and finds Rob. Together, they descend to the basement, where Jason attacks Rob. For audience members too dense to understand what's happening, Rob even narrates his own murder.

Trish runs upstairs, feels guilty, then returns to the basement. Rob is dead, of course, so her decision to help is pretty stupid, plus it allows Jason to grab her as she tries to leave again. She keeps finding corpses at all of the exits, so Trish takes a lesson from Gordon and attempts to break a window. After taking about 47 swings, the window finally gets smashed. Trish throws her weapon out ahead of her, then sprints next door.

She and Tommy try to lock the house down tight, but Jason throws Rob through a window to get in. While Trish is freaking out over Rob's corpse, Tommy is grabbed by Jason. Trish hits Jason with a hammer several times, and Tommy finally manages to free himself from the killer's grasp. They rush upstairs to hide in Tommy's bedroom, using a heavy cabinet to block the door.

Well, the cabinet only blocks HALF of the door, so Jason tears the other half down like tissue paper. Trish lifts up a television and shoves it over Jason's head, knocking him out. As another killer once said, "Welcome to prime time, bitch!"

Trish tells her brother that she will distract Jason, to allow him time to get away. Jason wakes up before they get past him(of course), so Trish makes him chase her while Tommy tries to come up with a plan. She throws herself out of a nearby window(repitition, thy name is Friday the 13th...), and Jason waits until she starts moving around to resume the chase. She slowly makes her way back into the Jarvis home, but Jason is right behind her.

Oh, and what has Tommy been doing all this time? If you said, "giving himself a haircut", you win your very own INTERNET!!!!!!! Congrats. Yeah, Tommy's cutting off his hair one strand at a time. By the time he finishes, Jason will probably take Manhattan. Trish buys him some more time by shoving a blade into Jason's hand. He's a zombie now, so I'm not sure what that accomplished, but eh. Whatever.

Jason pins Trish down, but before he finishes her off, Tommy shows up. It turns out that he has been making a mask of Young Jason, using Rob's newspaper articles as a guide. While Jason is transfixed by Tommy's makeup job. Trish grabs the machete and hits Ol' Hockeyface. knocking his mask off briefly. The makeup in this one is...uh...."green", I guess. I don't know, they seemed to forget his uneven eyes, and focussed more on his teeth this time. His smile could remove hubcaps.

Anyway, while we're all distracted by Jason's movie-star looks, Tommy runs up behind him swinging the machete, and imbeds it in his temple. Jason staggers, then falls to the floor, causing the machete to pass through his head as he slides down to the floor. Tommy grabs the machete off the floor before running over to hug his sister. Neither one notices that Jason's hand is twitching.

Well, almost...after they hug, Tommy does see Jason's fingers moving, and he proceeds to hack away at the killer while Trish look more and more horrified. The scene fades to white, and we next see Trish in the hospital. A doctor tells her that she'll need shoulder surgery, and that her brother's attack on Jason was nothing more than survival instinct. Trish asks to see him, and he walks in and hugs her. At the last second, you see his eyes open, and he looks at the camera with an evil expression. THE END.

Ugh. Despite all the t&a and the gore, this one was kind of lame. The look of Jason was altered, there were far too many would-be killers(Rob with his machete, Tommy, Jason himself...who wrote this one, Jessica Fletcher?), and there were waaaay too many unanswered WTF moments for me(WTF was up with Crispin's dancing scene? WTF was with Tommy appearing to be possessed at the end?...just to name 2). 2 and a half killer trees out of 5. Sadly, I already know the next one is worse, so that'll be torture to sit through.

Oh, yeah....what did I learn from this week's flick?
-Corey Feldman's going to look awful when he goes bald. Oh, and he's a spaz when a woman undresses in front of him.
-Zombies can afford plastic surgery.
-Someone should invent windows that are body-proof.

Sorry this one's late....been fighting a massive cold. To make up for it, hopefully I can get another in before the weekend. Ugh, my head feels like a medicine ball. G'night.