Ask any person what the point of a slasher movie is, and they'll probably say "The kills, the violence, the effects, etc,"...you get the idea. So, when you rent the third movie in a slasher-film franchise, you expect some of that, right? Well, apparently Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss missed the memo. I've seen more blood on the Disney Channel.
Our "hero", a doofus named Alex, looks like a young Colin Farrell. He's feeling pressure to choose a college, to travel with his best bud, or to be seduced by Mary Lou(Retton?), a soul who escaped from Hell. Guess which option he chooses?
The story begins in Hell, which is apparently a Robert Palmer music video. Seriously, the demons are all female, and are dancing in a row to bad choreography. Delightfully batshit. Mary Lou, the antagonist of the previous sequel returns, albeit played by a different actress. Her plan, apparently, is to use her new-found freedom to turn the Prom Night franchise into a horror spoof. And the "comedy" mostly consists of "wacky" school announcements. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either.
Right off the bat, we have several bland murders: the school janitor, who has about a minute of screen time before becoming Mary Lou(Retton's)'s first victim; the principal, who doesn't necessarily die, but does lose a finger in the dumbest, schmuckiest way possible; and Alex's science teacher, a guy who gets a whole TWO scenes before dying. And while there is some blood, most of it is during reaction shots. Lame.
Alex helps Mary Lou(Retton; heh, I NEVER get tired of that joke) dispose of the teacher's body, allows her to seduce him, and even goes along with her idea that they're now an "item". Why? Is she threatening him, blackmailing him, is she the only female who will even look at him? Nope, on all three counts. He does it because without it, I guess there'd be no film. Heaven forbid they just rewrite the script and give the guy motivations that follow a path of logic.
Eh, in the time it took me to write down that rant, we had another murder: the school's guidance counselor is killed by a battery acid perm treatment. They should've called this movie 9021-Ohmygodisthismoviedumb. Okay, back to Alex...he becomes The Fonz(I'm still bitter about Scream, shut up), and manages to look even MORE like Colin Farrell. The movie slows to a crawl, with more "wacky" hi-larity: we get to see Alex's dad go off on a rant, followed by Mary Lou(Retton) killing the dickish football player/bully these movies always have.
After burying another body, Alex decides that maybe he should've stayed with his old girlfriend. Duh. He tries to win her back, in one of those scenes that only ever occur in movies, complete with bystanders clapping and cheering for Alex. Whatever. Demon-Girl demon-strates(ha!) her devotion to Alex by interrupting the one genuinely funny scene thus far: a spoof of one of those "sexual disease filmstrips". Pretty funny, until Mary Lou(Retton!! Try to stop me movie, I dare you!) interrupts to tell Alex that she won't let him break up with her.
Let's fast-forward, shall we? The movie won't mind, I promise. The bodies all get discovered, just as Alex decides to try to go back to being the person he was at the beginning of the film. He tells his best friend all about Mary Lou(Retton!!! HA), which gets the friend murdered. When Mary Lou(Ret--ah, I'll give you a break this one time) threatens to kill all of his loved ones, Alex decides to go on the run. This leads to a montage of Alex arming himself, to the tune of a rap song that is so lame it uses crutches. And he gets arrested anyway, so what was all the planning for?
Demon-Girl tells Alex that she plans to marry him. Why? Who knows, the scriptwriters sure didn't. Oh, and the principal(you remember, the idiot who cut off his own finger several paragraphs ago?) reappears, to announce to the media that despite several murders, the Prom will go on as planned. Yay. At least it's not called a Spring Formal, am I right? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Anyway, Mary Lou Who-The-Hell-Cares breaks him out of jail, and lets him know that she plans to kill the prom(again? She should choose ANOTHER hobby, like collecting state quarters.), so he convinces a cop to drive him to the prom. At gunpoint. Because nothing says "I'm innocent" better than holding hostages. The film-makers then decide to rip off Evil Dead's demon-cam, as Mary Lou flies through the school, kills the nerdy guy who escorted Alex's girlfriend Sarah to the Prom. Alex chooses Mary Lou, but SARAH goes to Hell. HUH?!?
In Hell, Sarah meets most of the movie's murder victims, and is chased by them, but gets the upper hand. Alex and Mary Lou go to a Hell-Prom(like this movie wasn't Hell enough?), filled with demons with no fashion sense. Or zombies. Or whatever. Mary Lou tries to kill Alex, so that he can be her Date From Hell for eternity, but Sarah interrupts the ritual with a flamethrower(if they're all dead, what will THAT do?), and she and Alex get away.
They find a car(yeah, right), and drive out of Hell, and decide to split up, so that Alex can call his folks and tell them that he escaped from a psychotic Hell-Bitch I guess. Turns out, to the surprise of no one, that they're STILL in Hell, and the movie ends in a never-to-be-resolved cliffhanger. Then we get the FULL version of that godawful rap song over the credits. Movie, I hate you. One baby-eating tree out of 5.
So, what did I learn this week?
-You can apparently make a direct sequel to the WRONG film in a horror franchise.
-I'm the only guy who remembers Mary Lou Retton.
-Rappers can make "American Woman" suck.
Next week(or, more likely, later this week): Prom Night IV....
