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Thursday, May 1, 2014

Shrunken Heads

Long time no see, huh?

Well, before we get to this week's (Month's? Year's????) SAW entry, let me bend your ear for a minute...

Back in February, "something" happened to me. Don't exactly know, and I may never know, but it was bad enough to nearly kill me. I was found on the floor in my apartment by my sister, and I apparently stopped breathing for awhile. My kidneys were shutting down, my tongue swelled up like a balloon, it wasn't looking good. Scary-ass shit, certainly scarier than any slasher flick. I was in an induced coma in the ICU while machines breathed for me.

I'll be honest, it's been pretty bizarre. I just arrived back home today, and I still can't quite convince myself that I'm really back....or my cat, who refuses to leave my side, lol. Anyway, I'm getting back into my routine here, and mostly just because I love watching these dumb thing and mocking them. Frankly, I need to laugh. We good here? Good, because I'd  like to get this one started up! I wrote this one up while in the hospital, but couldn't post it until tonight, so just read this while picturing me watching craptacular movies in a hospital bed, on a cold March afternoon....

Well, after browsing the internet, I nearly threw in the proverbial towel this week. Lucky for me, I found another YouTube movie to view, something called Shrunken Heads. It's a Full Moon production, so I expect it to be gory, silly, and probably shorter than most feature-length movies. SPOILERS below...

The first character we meet is Tommy, a kid who works part-time at a local grocery store. While he's busy sweeping the floor, his best friend, "Filter"(at least, that's what it sounded like....) saunters in. They convince the boss to let Tommy go home early, because Filter wants to have some fun.

As they leave, they spot another kid, Freddie, being bullied by some older teens. They attempt to interfere, and that just makes the bullies even angrier. A large man threatens them, but they ignore his threats.

After all 3 boys get away, they introduce themselves formally to the new kid. Then they bring Freddie to their favorite newsstand, where they get him interested in comic books. They find a quiet spot to read, but then the bullies return. Vinnie, the leader of the gang steals one of their books, then lifts Tommy off his feet.

The older Haitian man who runs the newsstand threatens the bullies, and they soon disband. After Tommy and his pals thank him, they chat about his past. He tells them that, in Haiti, he would have called upon someone to deliver swift, brutal justice to kids like that. Cool story, bro!

Sara, Vinnie's cute girlfriend returns to the store to apologize to Tommy about the bullying. Vinnie sees her leave, and offers her a ride, but she ignores his advances. Vinnie then leans out of his window to talk to her, nearly hitting some pedestrians.

The Haitian opens a jar filled with sand or dust, pours some of it onto his hand, then blows on it. That causes Vinnie to lose control of the car, which crashes into a street lamp.

That night, after his friends go home, Tommy is visited by Sara. She tells him that she broke up with Vinnie, because she likes someone else. Tommy, who is not too sharp, asks her who the lucky guy is, and she kisses him.

Filter and Fred witness Vinnie's gang preparing to strip a car, so they contact Tommy via walkie-talkie. He grabs a camera, then ditches the hot girl who was just kissing him. When he gets to the right location, he hides behind some trash, and films the crime.

Tommy's movie gets the hoods arrested, plus he scores major points with Sara by being such a good kid. Zzzz...Hey, has anyone seen a horror movie anywhere in this vicinity? This would bore me to tears, if I could work up the energy to shed any.

Vinnie pays a visit to a guy who looks like a cross between Joe Pesci and Elvis. Pelvis springs his gang from jail. Maybe NOW something can happen? Yeah, probably not.

Tommy, Filter and Fred get abducted by the criminals. After they're tied up and left alone, they immediately get loose again. Fred almost gets grabbed during the escape, but somehow the 3 nimrods get away. Vinnie's gang are given guns, and are ordered to kill the kids as quickly as possible.

Vinnie and his goons corner the trio, and blow them away. There are a couple of folks who hear the execution, including Sara. The crime is covered up, and a triple-casket funeral is held for the boys. After the bodies are alone again, a portly man limps into the room, and prepares to saw the heads off of the bodies. That's right, kiddies! When you die, some random guy saws your head off! Sleep tight!

We see Haitian Guy mumbling in a secret lair, then we have to watch as Sara and Vinnie whine about their "relationship", which has nothing to do with voodoo, beheadings, or killing sprees, in any way, shape, or form. The witch doctor finally gets back to his apartment, where the 3 severed heads are seen floating in a cauldron. He mixes a dead cat into the stew. "And the cat's in the cauldron, with the boy-head stew..."

Then we get a voodoo montage. Feel free to sing I'm Walking On Sunshine during this part. Isn't that song a requirement in all 1980's montage sequences? A chant is recited, then we finally see the severed heads of 3 children come alive. Fun for the entire family.

The heads complain about being dead, have no bodies, blah blah blah. Voodoo guy tosses them around, revealing to the boys that they can now fly. The witch doctor advises them to roam around the city, and find a constructive way to use their new powers.

The heads interrupt an attempted rape. They cut the throat of one of the attackers, then bite the second scumbag in the throat. They fly away again, as the victim of the rapists runs away screaming.

They decide to split up for a break, and Fred flies to check on his family. Tommy spies on Sara, who now sleeps with his photo near her for comfort. I wonder if they make a greeting card for a moment like that? "Sorry Your Friend Was Made A Shrunken Head/Better Keep His Portrait Next to Your Bed!"

As the boys report back to their new boss, the pair of attackers they killed reanimate as zombies, because "stuff". Then we see that a year has passed, and that the criminals are all afraid to commit any crimes, lest they become zombies as well. Wait...a WHOLE YEAR has gone by? Were the shrunken heads too busy backpacking through Europe to finish getting revenge?

Sara, siting around and looking bored, gets a call from Vinnie. He tells her that he wants to swing by after his night class, but he's actually just hanging out with the rest of the hoodlums, smoking and playing poker. I wish they were watching a more interesting movie than the one I'm stuck with tonight.

Voodoo Guy gets threatened by a pair of thugs at his magazine stand, and they demand a bribe to "protect" his business. He laughs, then reveals red, glowing eyes to one of the thugs. He and his buddy run away, as Voodoo Guy continues his manic laughing fit.

When they get to their seedy apartment, the smaller, nervous guy decides to have a shower, while his portly pal just wants to watch some television. The shrunken heads slit the throat of the shower guy, and he keels over. Outside, Vinnie and Sara have another argument, and break up yet again. She gets out of his car, and starts to walk back to her neighborhood.

More wacky zombie fun with the thugs. The big one gets off of his ass to see what happened to his friend, and he finds the body in the shower. As he tries to leave, one of the shrunken heads revives shower guy to assault him. Why didn't they do any of this a year ago?

Vinnie later finds his former partners picking up trash, then realizes that they've become zombies. He escapes, mostly because the movie still has a half hour of story left to tell. The zombies resume the trash removal.

Then we get either a dream sequence, a memory, or an event that takes place the following morning. Sara visits the graveyard to pay her respects to Tommy, and his head floats over to speak with her. She's frightened, until Tommy "zaps" the memory of his death into her brain, along with most of the movie.

Sara understands now why Tommy and the others returned, and expresses her sympathy to him. He ends the visit by sailing down her blouse, then quickly flying away. Okay, so now he's a murderer AND a sexual predator. Pleasant.

Sara knocks on Voodoo Guy's door, and demands to see Tommy. When she spies the large container where the heads are preserved, Sara realizes that everything Tommy told her at the graveyard was true. Then Voodoo Guy informs Sara that Tommy and his friends only care about revenge, nothing else. Tommy contradicts that notion by swooping down Sara's shirt for another motorboat session.

Back to Vinnie. He's back in his apartment, and crouched on the floor. He decides to get drunk, and he passes out after a brief period. When he wakes up, Vanny is grabbed by his zombified henchmen, perhaps as a snack.

Vinnie screams, then throws himself through the nearest window. He survives the fall, and is chased through the streets by the zombies. He makes his way to the warehouse that Pelvis uses as a base, and tells him about the shrunken heads. Then Voodoo Guy bursts in, shoots one of the gangsters, and laughs like a loon while the zombies go after the remaining gangsters.

During the chaos, Sara walks in, surrounded by a weird halo. The aura turns out to be the heads, and they join the fight. As the gangsters try to leave, they shoot at Voodoo Guy, and take Sara as a hostage.

There's a car chase, but it gets delayed by the arrival of a busload of evangelists. The criminals seem to get away, but then the shrunken heads pop the car tires. The gangsters are defeated. They take them back to the neighborhood,where Voodoo Guy turns them into mummies. Then he gives Sara the spell that controls the shrunken heads, and she summons them. THE END...?

Yup, it's over. No sequels, spinoffs, or anything else. What a waste of a potentially good idea. Plus, with all of the undead stuff, there was no slasher element to it, so...yeah. Kind of a pointless movie for a slasher-themed blog. 1 out of 5, for at least being short and silly.

And what did Shrunken Heads teach me?

-Zombies are perverts, but they care about the environment.

-Bullets don't harm folks who perform voodoo,

-Gangsters always look like they stepped out of a Liberace tribute band.

Next up is probably the slasher version of Phantom of the Opera. The one with Robert Englund.  We'll see...and, again, it's good to be back!