Showing posts with label Slashers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Slashers. Show all posts
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Grizzly Park
Today's movie, Grizzly Park, s like a hybrid love-child mix of Final Destination-style death scenes with one of those "animal attack" movies that pop up on SyFy every so often. It features a serial killer, a rogue grizzly bear, and a group of inner-city teens trapped in a national park. It'll either be brilliantly insane, or just the usual stupid insane. SPOILERS ahead, campers...
Okay, so we start out with a credit sequence that references a Bible story about a bear that was summoned to eat a large group of children. Um, sure. The little pseudo-animated storyboard is pretty funny, at least. That's followed by a scene depicting an elderly park ranger watching the morning news in his office. There's a story about a blazing forest fire, followed by a report about Butch Latham, a convicted murderer who managed to escape from prison. Foreshadowing?
A-yup. In the very next scene, we see Butch murder a county officer who had to change a flat tire. Before he meets his demise, the poor guy tells Butch that he's on his way to pick up some troubled teens for a camping trip to the park. They don't show his face, but I have a feeling that Butch will be the hulking dude with blood all over his clothes. Yeah, I'm psychic that way.
Then we see the old man again. His name is Howard(which is probably an in-joke, as he's an older actor by the name of Rance Howard), and he greets a younger employee named Michael. After they have a quick chat, we see the killer try to remove the massive amount of blood from the uniform he stole off of his victim. Then he finds a knife in the van, along with the list of teens he's going to pick up, and a detailed map.
Then we see the various teens arriving for their big adventure, and the film gives us this awesomely goofy song about an encounter with a bear. The song alone earns this movie a tree. As the song winds down, we see Howard and Michael going over some paperwork, while the overhead television replays the report about the manhunt.
The song resumes, and the teens are loaded into the van. Their mugshots are shown onscreen, but not their names. Gee, thanks. Why are these movies always designed to be this obtuse? Would it kill the writers to let us get to know the characters in one of these movies?
Anyway, they arrive at the spot where they'll begin the hike, and meet up with a couple of late arrivals, as well as the leader of their expedition, Ranger Bob. A serious-looking preppie named Ryan tries to shake hands with a teen Neo-Nazi type, and they end up awkwardly holding hands instead. Pretty funny.
Ranger Michael takes a role-call, and we finally meet the rest of the characters. We've already met uptight Ryan; then there's Ty, the lonely black guy; Lola, the token Latina female; Candy, a spoiled rich girl; Kiki, the token Asian girl; Bebe, a cute willowy girl who seems like a complete ditz; Scab, the aforementioned racist; and Trickster, a hacker with a major attitude.
After the initial introductions, Ranger Bob comes out to address the troops, and explain the rules of camping. First rule of camping, don't talk about fight cl--uhhhh, I mean, no swearing. Second rule: Pack appropriate clothing and gear.
During his lecture, Ranger Bob suddenly notices that the driver has a shirt covered in a mysterious red stain. He explains that his shirt got dirty while he was changing a tire, and no one thinks to mention that tires don't usually bleed out. Ranger Bob just frowns and suggests that he should change his shirt. Oh, and the killer changes his name to Jerry, which is a foolproof way to fool everyone.
While Ranger Michael is helping crazy Jerry change his shirt, Ranger Bob starts to give a lesson on the various animals they could encounter during the trip. Bears, wolves, coyotes, skunks, and moose are just some of the wild animals waiting to eat them alive. Ranger Bob promises them that, in the event that a person is left behind by the group, he will not search for them.
Finally, the hike begins! Ranger Bob confuses Bebe right off the bat, because Bob is his last name, and his explanation is pretty complex for her to follow. During the name thing, she forgets what her original question was. Oh well.
Howard leaves the park early, and that gives Jerry an opportunity to be alone with Michael. He gets some information about the park from the young man, then stabs him in the gut. As blood starts to trickle out of Michael's mouth, Jerry kicks him onto the ground.
The hikers come to a narrow bridge, and stop to admire the view. Then we see the killer hide Michael's body in a shed, stopping only to wipe the blood from his knife on the already-messy shirt. Why is he so attached to that one shirt? Just change it!
Ranger Bob has the group take another break in a picnic area. This gives our killer some time to catch up, and we see him in a vehicle, rushing to meet up with his next targets. Oh, and the teen boys in the camping group make a bet over whether or not Bebe's ample bosoms are real or fake. Real or fake, I'd say tit's up for debate...*rim shot*
Bebe needs to go off to do some "female business", so Ranger Bob advises her on how to dispose of a tampon in the woods, without attracting animals to the scent of blood. Trickster starts to follow her, but the park ranger stops him. Then we get a cute scene with Ty and Kiki. They're both listening to music on different devices, and they exchange ear buds with each other. Like I said, it's cute.
After doing her thing, Bebe sees a little woodland creature, and decides to feed and pet it. Despite my begging and pleading, the unseen creature doesn't gnaw her hand off at the wrist. Dammit! When are they going to design a movie that lets the audience decide how to torment the cast?
Candy is admonished when Ranger Bob sees that she brought a phone with her, then Ty shows him, via a GPS device, a route to the camping area that would take less time to travel. Ranger Bob disagrees, citing the shortcut as a place where wolves tend to migrate. Then, as we see the killer's vehicle racing through the woods, the campers encounter a skunk. It turns out that the skunk was the creature that Bebe met, mistaking it for some kind of "forest cat", in spite of the big, skunky white stripe.
Kiki screams, the skunk panics, and the entire group is sprayed by the skunk. Then Ranger Bob calls Jerry, who has just arrived at the eventual campsite. He assures the ranger that the camping gear has been dropped off, then he starts to drive away.
And now, at long last, we have The Most Important Scene in the entire movie, the scene where all of the teens strip down to their underwear, then stand around in some water, splashing and frolicking. While Ranger Bob prepares a warm fire in a nearby cabin, Bebe steps inside to see if he needs any assistance.
Meanwhile, our serial killer has been driving around the park. He also stops at a cabin, where he hides out to plan his next move. By the time he's ready again, it's nightfall, and we see that a presence is watching him from the forest.
Jerry senses the stalker watching him, and decides to ignore him/it. He unloads the jeep, then hurries inside. I don't know why, but I love it in horror movies when the main threat is also threatened. It's fun to watch villains squirm.
The teens all warm up around the fire and enjoy themselves, until Ranger Bob announces that they'll have to wear their stinky clothes again when they're dry. Scab, uncomfortable about having to sit between a Latino and a black guy, announces that he needs to "drain the dragon", leading Bebe to exclaim that she can't believe that he has a dragon.
A fake spider is used to try to scare Ranger Bob, but he just calmly observes that it's about the same size as the ones that lurk up in the trees outside. Then he sends the campers off to the tents, which are divided by gender. Ranger Bob tries to radio Jerry again, but Jerry's getting pretty loopy now. He smashes the radio into pieces, then stomps around in a tirade.
The killer gets back out of the cabin, and decides that it would be best to just leave. A bear stops him, though, so Jerry decides to whip out his trusty knife, and take the beast out. The bear, completely unfazed by the weapon, retaliates by chomping Jerry's face right off of his skull. Sweet!
Early the next morning, Ranger Bob has the campers collecting bags of litter. Candy spies Ty talking on his own phone, and manipulates it out of his hands. Ty, ever the resourceful dude, plans to show off by using his GPS route to beat the others to their destination. He shows the path to Kiki, and they head in that direction together.
No one even seems to notice that they're gone. Ty and Kiki use the time to get to know one another, and we learn what they did that landed them in trouble with the law. Kiki poisoned her mother, while Ty stole anything he could get his hands on, while working with the elderly. They both brag about how stupid other people are compared to them, and agree that they should scam old folks together. Oh, and Ty's GPS sucks ass, because they don't end up beating the group to the campsite.
When Ranger Bob steps into the cabin where he was supposed to meet Jerry, he finds the wrecked radio equipment. That's when he also finally realizes that he's misplaced a pair of teenagers. Maybe Ranger Bob should start looking for another job...
When they realize that the GPS was wrong, Ty and Kiki start to get nervous. Things go from bad to worse, when Ty steps into a snare, which pulls him up off the ground and injures both of his ankles. Kiki rushes over to the spot where he dropped his stuff, and searches the ground for the phone. She picks up the GPS device instead(Remember, Candy stole his phone earlier, by never returning it...), and it screams at her to GO BACK...GO BACK...GO BACK...
They yell and scream for help, then we return to the main group again. Candy is talking to Ryan, and the conversation mostly consists of them mocking others in the group. They both share a good laugh, until they hear Lola doing the same thing to them. Chagrined, they move off in different directions.
Ranger Bob heads into the boys' cabin, where he hands them a sheet of paper. It contains a list of items that he needs to confiscate, under the pretense that they would attract bears. The items on the list include things like deodorant and cologne, and none of the teens will admit to having any of the items on the list. Ranger Bob gets annoyed with them, and warns them that if a bear attacks, it will be their own fault.
Kiki sees blood, and realizes that Ty may be very badly injured by the snare. She and Ty spot a wolf nearby, and Kiki worries that the scent of the blood might put them in danger. She decides to run away, and an animal attacks her off-screen, as Ty swings around helplessly, wondering what finally got her.
Ranger Bob makes a campfire that night, and suggests that it might be a good idea to discuss their court cases as a group. Candy goes first, revealing that she was making money as a high-priced prostitute. Then Ryan steps up to the plate, revealing that he was caught having sex with a minor, and that they were both involved in an asphyxiation act. That act directly caused the girl to lapse into a coma, and Ryan's family paid her family off to keep quiet about the crime.
Disgusted, Ranger Bob calls the powwow session to an abrupt end. Then we see a hungry wolf as it discovers Ty hanging in the air. He tries to scare it away by being loud, but it doesn't seem scared by him. Then, when the wolf does run off, Ty realizes it was due to the sudden presence of the massive grizzly bear. Buh-bye, Ty!
The girls talk about the boys as they prepare to go to bed, and the boys do pretty much the same. Then, Trickster reveals that he brought a bear costume along on the hike, which he's going to use to scare the girls and/or Ranger Bob. Oh, and I think we might have broken Scab, as he's been developing confused feelings for Lola. The guy's so inept, he can't even do racism right!
Ranger Bob works all night on fixing the radio, but can't get anyone to reply to him on it. Then he wakes up the campers at sunrise, except for Scab and Bebe, who sleep despite the annoying sound of his whistle. After breakfast, he announces that he wants the group to remain together, while he hikes around in an attempt to locate Ty and Kiki.
While the park ranger is finding a sort-of trail of human remains to follow, Scab is busy huffing gasoline fumes to get high. Lola finds him, and they end up kissing. After a second kiss, Lola leaves him alone again. Is this movie allergic to sex?
Ranger Bob finds the trail that the missing teens explored, and begins to retrace their steps. When he doesn't return that night, the rest of the group make another fire, and go through Ranger Bob's cabin for food, alcohol and supplies.
Another encounter session around the fire reveals that Scab has a very bad addiction to inhalants, and that one of his closest friends died from inhaling cooking spray. Bebe also reveals that she was falsely accused of shoplifting, although she claims that it was a friend who had secretly shoved something intro her purse, and that she was framed.
Trickster tries to lighten the mood by making another reference to draining his dragon, but Bebe proudly declares that she knows that there is no actual dragon. You go, girl! As Trickster heads into the cabin, he hears something moving around in the woods near him, but can't tell what it might be.
Ranger Bob finds part of Kiki's face on the ground, and knows that he's on the right trail. As he picks up the pace, Trickster emerges from the cabin in his bear costume. Then Ranger Bob finds what's left of Ty, and spots the wolf sitting nearby, snacking on another piece of Ty. That's the thing...Eating Ty food always makes you crave MORE Ty food! *rim shot*
Scab has found a place where he can huff gas fumes alone. He remains blissfully unaware of another presence until it's right in front of him, and the fumes have made him incredibly loopy. He mistakenly believes that the killer grizzly bear is just Trickster in a costume, and tries to pet him. Too late, he realizes his mistake.
Speaking of Trickster, he's heading toward the campers in his costume, and he tries to scare them with a roar. They all laugh, which just makes Trickster angry. He roars again, and sees them express actual fear. Too late to react, he realizes that the real bear is right behind him. With one massive paw, the grizzly decapitates Trickster.
The others scream, then take off and hide in one of the storage cabins. Bebe, Candy and Ryan get away, but Lola is dragged to her doom by the angry bear. We briefly see her trying to crawl to safety after that, but the lower half of her body is now obliterated.
Bebe starts to cry, and the bear starts to sniff at the walls of the structure. When the noises stop, Ryan grabs a heavy shovel, and opens a board in the wall to have a look. He announces that the bear is gone, turns back for a second look, and the grizzly then drags Ryan through the gap in the wood to devour him.
Ryan, badly mangled and with part of his scalp falling off, drags himself back through the opening for one last attempt at survival. He manages to give one of Bebe's boobs a squeeze, a bell dings, then he gets dragged away to get mauled again, with such force that his arms are severed from the rest of him. He'll take the secret of the breasts to his grave.
While they huddle together in the dark, Bebe and Candy begin to wonder how much time has passed. Candy picks up Ryan's arm, then steals his gold watch. The bear then smashes more wood out of the opening that Ryan had made, and attempts to snatch up both females at once. Bebe opens the door of the shack to escape, then locks Candy inside for the bear to have. As Candy screams, the scene fades to black...
The next morning, Ranger Bob returns to the campsite. He finds Bebe hiding under a table and gives her a hug. After she calms down and packs her bag, she asks the ranger if she can use his bathroom one more time before they leave. He agrees, then waits for her on the porch.
As soon as Ranger Bob leaves, Bebe drops the whole "nice girl" act. She goes through Candy's bag, stealing most of her stuff, then grabs the cell phone. Calling a friend, Bebe brags about being the only survivor, and even manipulating the ranger. When she talks about killing Ranger Bob with the gun she found, he overhears her. She walks outside, where the bear greets her with a swipe of the paw, and we see a bloody lump of silicone come flying out of her chest, and smack into a tree. The debate is over!
A news story tells us that the killings were blamed on the escaped convict, because Ranger Bob placed the bear costume in a place where it would look like he had worn it. In the final scene, Ranger Bob and the bear appear, promising to return in a year. THE END...?
Yeah, probably, since this was made back in 2007. Still, I have to give this movie credit where credit's due...the effects were impressive, there were 3 killers(4, if you include the wolf!), and the script kept me laughing. On purpose, even! I actually wouldn't mind seeing another movie with Ranger Bob as the antagonist. Including the extra point for the song, I'm giving Grizzly Park 4 killer trees outta 5! Ha!
And what did I learn after watching the movie?
-Love conquers all, even racism...but not huffing.
-National Parks are deadly places.
-Bears and wolves work well together!
Next up is either Asylum of the Damned, or Deepstar Six. And I promise to post it this week...I would have posted this yesterday, but I fell asleep during the Pats game(I've been getting up at around 4 in the morning the last several weeks...it caught up to me!). Sorry!!
Okay, so we start out with a credit sequence that references a Bible story about a bear that was summoned to eat a large group of children. Um, sure. The little pseudo-animated storyboard is pretty funny, at least. That's followed by a scene depicting an elderly park ranger watching the morning news in his office. There's a story about a blazing forest fire, followed by a report about Butch Latham, a convicted murderer who managed to escape from prison. Foreshadowing?
A-yup. In the very next scene, we see Butch murder a county officer who had to change a flat tire. Before he meets his demise, the poor guy tells Butch that he's on his way to pick up some troubled teens for a camping trip to the park. They don't show his face, but I have a feeling that Butch will be the hulking dude with blood all over his clothes. Yeah, I'm psychic that way.
Then we see the old man again. His name is Howard(which is probably an in-joke, as he's an older actor by the name of Rance Howard), and he greets a younger employee named Michael. After they have a quick chat, we see the killer try to remove the massive amount of blood from the uniform he stole off of his victim. Then he finds a knife in the van, along with the list of teens he's going to pick up, and a detailed map.
Then we see the various teens arriving for their big adventure, and the film gives us this awesomely goofy song about an encounter with a bear. The song alone earns this movie a tree. As the song winds down, we see Howard and Michael going over some paperwork, while the overhead television replays the report about the manhunt.
The song resumes, and the teens are loaded into the van. Their mugshots are shown onscreen, but not their names. Gee, thanks. Why are these movies always designed to be this obtuse? Would it kill the writers to let us get to know the characters in one of these movies?
Anyway, they arrive at the spot where they'll begin the hike, and meet up with a couple of late arrivals, as well as the leader of their expedition, Ranger Bob. A serious-looking preppie named Ryan tries to shake hands with a teen Neo-Nazi type, and they end up awkwardly holding hands instead. Pretty funny.
Ranger Michael takes a role-call, and we finally meet the rest of the characters. We've already met uptight Ryan; then there's Ty, the lonely black guy; Lola, the token Latina female; Candy, a spoiled rich girl; Kiki, the token Asian girl; Bebe, a cute willowy girl who seems like a complete ditz; Scab, the aforementioned racist; and Trickster, a hacker with a major attitude.
After the initial introductions, Ranger Bob comes out to address the troops, and explain the rules of camping. First rule of camping, don't talk about fight cl--uhhhh, I mean, no swearing. Second rule: Pack appropriate clothing and gear.
During his lecture, Ranger Bob suddenly notices that the driver has a shirt covered in a mysterious red stain. He explains that his shirt got dirty while he was changing a tire, and no one thinks to mention that tires don't usually bleed out. Ranger Bob just frowns and suggests that he should change his shirt. Oh, and the killer changes his name to Jerry, which is a foolproof way to fool everyone.
While Ranger Michael is helping crazy Jerry change his shirt, Ranger Bob starts to give a lesson on the various animals they could encounter during the trip. Bears, wolves, coyotes, skunks, and moose are just some of the wild animals waiting to eat them alive. Ranger Bob promises them that, in the event that a person is left behind by the group, he will not search for them.
Finally, the hike begins! Ranger Bob confuses Bebe right off the bat, because Bob is his last name, and his explanation is pretty complex for her to follow. During the name thing, she forgets what her original question was. Oh well.
Howard leaves the park early, and that gives Jerry an opportunity to be alone with Michael. He gets some information about the park from the young man, then stabs him in the gut. As blood starts to trickle out of Michael's mouth, Jerry kicks him onto the ground.
The hikers come to a narrow bridge, and stop to admire the view. Then we see the killer hide Michael's body in a shed, stopping only to wipe the blood from his knife on the already-messy shirt. Why is he so attached to that one shirt? Just change it!
Ranger Bob has the group take another break in a picnic area. This gives our killer some time to catch up, and we see him in a vehicle, rushing to meet up with his next targets. Oh, and the teen boys in the camping group make a bet over whether or not Bebe's ample bosoms are real or fake. Real or fake, I'd say tit's up for debate...*rim shot*
Bebe needs to go off to do some "female business", so Ranger Bob advises her on how to dispose of a tampon in the woods, without attracting animals to the scent of blood. Trickster starts to follow her, but the park ranger stops him. Then we get a cute scene with Ty and Kiki. They're both listening to music on different devices, and they exchange ear buds with each other. Like I said, it's cute.
After doing her thing, Bebe sees a little woodland creature, and decides to feed and pet it. Despite my begging and pleading, the unseen creature doesn't gnaw her hand off at the wrist. Dammit! When are they going to design a movie that lets the audience decide how to torment the cast?
Candy is admonished when Ranger Bob sees that she brought a phone with her, then Ty shows him, via a GPS device, a route to the camping area that would take less time to travel. Ranger Bob disagrees, citing the shortcut as a place where wolves tend to migrate. Then, as we see the killer's vehicle racing through the woods, the campers encounter a skunk. It turns out that the skunk was the creature that Bebe met, mistaking it for some kind of "forest cat", in spite of the big, skunky white stripe.
Kiki screams, the skunk panics, and the entire group is sprayed by the skunk. Then Ranger Bob calls Jerry, who has just arrived at the eventual campsite. He assures the ranger that the camping gear has been dropped off, then he starts to drive away.
And now, at long last, we have The Most Important Scene in the entire movie, the scene where all of the teens strip down to their underwear, then stand around in some water, splashing and frolicking. While Ranger Bob prepares a warm fire in a nearby cabin, Bebe steps inside to see if he needs any assistance.
Meanwhile, our serial killer has been driving around the park. He also stops at a cabin, where he hides out to plan his next move. By the time he's ready again, it's nightfall, and we see that a presence is watching him from the forest.
Jerry senses the stalker watching him, and decides to ignore him/it. He unloads the jeep, then hurries inside. I don't know why, but I love it in horror movies when the main threat is also threatened. It's fun to watch villains squirm.
The teens all warm up around the fire and enjoy themselves, until Ranger Bob announces that they'll have to wear their stinky clothes again when they're dry. Scab, uncomfortable about having to sit between a Latino and a black guy, announces that he needs to "drain the dragon", leading Bebe to exclaim that she can't believe that he has a dragon.
A fake spider is used to try to scare Ranger Bob, but he just calmly observes that it's about the same size as the ones that lurk up in the trees outside. Then he sends the campers off to the tents, which are divided by gender. Ranger Bob tries to radio Jerry again, but Jerry's getting pretty loopy now. He smashes the radio into pieces, then stomps around in a tirade.
The killer gets back out of the cabin, and decides that it would be best to just leave. A bear stops him, though, so Jerry decides to whip out his trusty knife, and take the beast out. The bear, completely unfazed by the weapon, retaliates by chomping Jerry's face right off of his skull. Sweet!
Early the next morning, Ranger Bob has the campers collecting bags of litter. Candy spies Ty talking on his own phone, and manipulates it out of his hands. Ty, ever the resourceful dude, plans to show off by using his GPS route to beat the others to their destination. He shows the path to Kiki, and they head in that direction together.
No one even seems to notice that they're gone. Ty and Kiki use the time to get to know one another, and we learn what they did that landed them in trouble with the law. Kiki poisoned her mother, while Ty stole anything he could get his hands on, while working with the elderly. They both brag about how stupid other people are compared to them, and agree that they should scam old folks together. Oh, and Ty's GPS sucks ass, because they don't end up beating the group to the campsite.
When Ranger Bob steps into the cabin where he was supposed to meet Jerry, he finds the wrecked radio equipment. That's when he also finally realizes that he's misplaced a pair of teenagers. Maybe Ranger Bob should start looking for another job...
When they realize that the GPS was wrong, Ty and Kiki start to get nervous. Things go from bad to worse, when Ty steps into a snare, which pulls him up off the ground and injures both of his ankles. Kiki rushes over to the spot where he dropped his stuff, and searches the ground for the phone. She picks up the GPS device instead(Remember, Candy stole his phone earlier, by never returning it...), and it screams at her to GO BACK...GO BACK...GO BACK...
They yell and scream for help, then we return to the main group again. Candy is talking to Ryan, and the conversation mostly consists of them mocking others in the group. They both share a good laugh, until they hear Lola doing the same thing to them. Chagrined, they move off in different directions.
Ranger Bob heads into the boys' cabin, where he hands them a sheet of paper. It contains a list of items that he needs to confiscate, under the pretense that they would attract bears. The items on the list include things like deodorant and cologne, and none of the teens will admit to having any of the items on the list. Ranger Bob gets annoyed with them, and warns them that if a bear attacks, it will be their own fault.
Kiki sees blood, and realizes that Ty may be very badly injured by the snare. She and Ty spot a wolf nearby, and Kiki worries that the scent of the blood might put them in danger. She decides to run away, and an animal attacks her off-screen, as Ty swings around helplessly, wondering what finally got her.
Ranger Bob makes a campfire that night, and suggests that it might be a good idea to discuss their court cases as a group. Candy goes first, revealing that she was making money as a high-priced prostitute. Then Ryan steps up to the plate, revealing that he was caught having sex with a minor, and that they were both involved in an asphyxiation act. That act directly caused the girl to lapse into a coma, and Ryan's family paid her family off to keep quiet about the crime.
Disgusted, Ranger Bob calls the powwow session to an abrupt end. Then we see a hungry wolf as it discovers Ty hanging in the air. He tries to scare it away by being loud, but it doesn't seem scared by him. Then, when the wolf does run off, Ty realizes it was due to the sudden presence of the massive grizzly bear. Buh-bye, Ty!
The girls talk about the boys as they prepare to go to bed, and the boys do pretty much the same. Then, Trickster reveals that he brought a bear costume along on the hike, which he's going to use to scare the girls and/or Ranger Bob. Oh, and I think we might have broken Scab, as he's been developing confused feelings for Lola. The guy's so inept, he can't even do racism right!
Ranger Bob works all night on fixing the radio, but can't get anyone to reply to him on it. Then he wakes up the campers at sunrise, except for Scab and Bebe, who sleep despite the annoying sound of his whistle. After breakfast, he announces that he wants the group to remain together, while he hikes around in an attempt to locate Ty and Kiki.
While the park ranger is finding a sort-of trail of human remains to follow, Scab is busy huffing gasoline fumes to get high. Lola finds him, and they end up kissing. After a second kiss, Lola leaves him alone again. Is this movie allergic to sex?
Ranger Bob finds the trail that the missing teens explored, and begins to retrace their steps. When he doesn't return that night, the rest of the group make another fire, and go through Ranger Bob's cabin for food, alcohol and supplies.
Another encounter session around the fire reveals that Scab has a very bad addiction to inhalants, and that one of his closest friends died from inhaling cooking spray. Bebe also reveals that she was falsely accused of shoplifting, although she claims that it was a friend who had secretly shoved something intro her purse, and that she was framed.
Trickster tries to lighten the mood by making another reference to draining his dragon, but Bebe proudly declares that she knows that there is no actual dragon. You go, girl! As Trickster heads into the cabin, he hears something moving around in the woods near him, but can't tell what it might be.
Ranger Bob finds part of Kiki's face on the ground, and knows that he's on the right trail. As he picks up the pace, Trickster emerges from the cabin in his bear costume. Then Ranger Bob finds what's left of Ty, and spots the wolf sitting nearby, snacking on another piece of Ty. That's the thing...Eating Ty food always makes you crave MORE Ty food! *rim shot*
Scab has found a place where he can huff gas fumes alone. He remains blissfully unaware of another presence until it's right in front of him, and the fumes have made him incredibly loopy. He mistakenly believes that the killer grizzly bear is just Trickster in a costume, and tries to pet him. Too late, he realizes his mistake.
Speaking of Trickster, he's heading toward the campers in his costume, and he tries to scare them with a roar. They all laugh, which just makes Trickster angry. He roars again, and sees them express actual fear. Too late to react, he realizes that the real bear is right behind him. With one massive paw, the grizzly decapitates Trickster.
The others scream, then take off and hide in one of the storage cabins. Bebe, Candy and Ryan get away, but Lola is dragged to her doom by the angry bear. We briefly see her trying to crawl to safety after that, but the lower half of her body is now obliterated.
Bebe starts to cry, and the bear starts to sniff at the walls of the structure. When the noises stop, Ryan grabs a heavy shovel, and opens a board in the wall to have a look. He announces that the bear is gone, turns back for a second look, and the grizzly then drags Ryan through the gap in the wood to devour him.
Ryan, badly mangled and with part of his scalp falling off, drags himself back through the opening for one last attempt at survival. He manages to give one of Bebe's boobs a squeeze, a bell dings, then he gets dragged away to get mauled again, with such force that his arms are severed from the rest of him. He'll take the secret of the breasts to his grave.
While they huddle together in the dark, Bebe and Candy begin to wonder how much time has passed. Candy picks up Ryan's arm, then steals his gold watch. The bear then smashes more wood out of the opening that Ryan had made, and attempts to snatch up both females at once. Bebe opens the door of the shack to escape, then locks Candy inside for the bear to have. As Candy screams, the scene fades to black...
The next morning, Ranger Bob returns to the campsite. He finds Bebe hiding under a table and gives her a hug. After she calms down and packs her bag, she asks the ranger if she can use his bathroom one more time before they leave. He agrees, then waits for her on the porch.
As soon as Ranger Bob leaves, Bebe drops the whole "nice girl" act. She goes through Candy's bag, stealing most of her stuff, then grabs the cell phone. Calling a friend, Bebe brags about being the only survivor, and even manipulating the ranger. When she talks about killing Ranger Bob with the gun she found, he overhears her. She walks outside, where the bear greets her with a swipe of the paw, and we see a bloody lump of silicone come flying out of her chest, and smack into a tree. The debate is over!
A news story tells us that the killings were blamed on the escaped convict, because Ranger Bob placed the bear costume in a place where it would look like he had worn it. In the final scene, Ranger Bob and the bear appear, promising to return in a year. THE END...?
Yeah, probably, since this was made back in 2007. Still, I have to give this movie credit where credit's due...the effects were impressive, there were 3 killers(4, if you include the wolf!), and the script kept me laughing. On purpose, even! I actually wouldn't mind seeing another movie with Ranger Bob as the antagonist. Including the extra point for the song, I'm giving Grizzly Park 4 killer trees outta 5! Ha!
And what did I learn after watching the movie?
-Love conquers all, even racism...but not huffing.
-National Parks are deadly places.
-Bears and wolves work well together!
Next up is either Asylum of the Damned, or Deepstar Six. And I promise to post it this week...I would have posted this yesterday, but I fell asleep during the Pats game(I've been getting up at around 4 in the morning the last several weeks...it caught up to me!). Sorry!!
Saturday, October 19, 2013
River of Darkness
Remember See No Evil? If not, I don't blame you...it was a slasher flick starring the wrestler Kane, and produced by the WWF or WWE or whatever the heck they're calling themselves these days. Wasn't terrible, wasn't a classic. Was just...there.
Anyway, I always figured that it was their one big attempt at a horror film, as most of their stuff is squarely in the action genre, but then I found River of Darkness. It's definitely a step down from See No Evil, but I'll pretty much watch anything for a laugh. Let's get ready to SPOOOOOOOOIIIIILLLLL!
First impressions are important, and this one doesn't start out well. It looks like it was shot with el cheapo camcorders, so everything on the screen looks washed out and cheap. Incredibly low budget. Also, except for some of the names of the wrestlers(and even some of these guys are unfamiliar to me), I don't recognize any of the supporting cast. Not even a genre character actor, like Sid Haig, or Jeffrey Combs, to enjoy watching. Damn.
Anyway, the movie begins with a woman named Autumn sitting on a bench in the midst of a winter scene. She narrates the scene, revealing that her friends were killed, and she was blamed for their deaths. And...then that scene just fizzles out.
In a toilet stall, we see a different young woman. She's dressed as a waitress and rolling a joint. Then she tells her boss that she's heading home. Boy, this movie sure is good at being exciting AND interesting to watch! Why couldn't I have developed a fondness for "good" films?
On a side note, I think watching all of these movies is giving me brain damage. Me no am smart no more. And stuff. Brain cells....dying....must....resist....
Oh yeah. I was watching this thing. So, yeah, there's a waitress, and she's heading home after her shift. On her way out, she asks another waitress named Lisa if she wants to share the joint, but Lisa declines, then gives us her lifestory. As our first waitress steps outside, some fog rolls in.
She walks away from the building to light up, and her path is blocked by someone wearing a long coat. The stranger, who looks like he might be comfortable in an '80's hair band, stabs the waitress right through her midsection, then lifts her off of her feet. Blood trickles out of her mouth, and she coughs up even more when her attacker throws her to the ground. Cue credits.
The following morning, the town's police force is pretty much all over the crime scene. The sheriff asks for details, and we learn that the waitress was named Amy, and that her killer strung her to a post after he killed her. Also, the word "HIX" was written on her body. The sheriff suggests that they check local databases for similar murders in the surrounding communities.
He heads into the diner next, both for information and a presumably greasy breakfast. He gets neither, as the guy running the place ignores him to chat with some buddies. While the sheriff tries to get his attention, a call comes in over his walkie-talkie, asking him to look at yet another crime scene. The sheriff leaves, and drives over to the local church.
The priest meets him outside, and tells him that a woman named Mary Rutledge broke a window and entered the church through said window. They head inside to speak with Mary, who is draped in black and fervently praying. The sheriff tries to ask Mary if she's okay, but she keeps right on praying.
When he raises his voice, Mary finally responds. She announces that "they" have arrived, and that "redemption is upon us". "They" are also going to spread violence and chaos throughout the community, and she tells him that he already knows about their arrival. Perplexed, the sheriff leaves.
Back at his office, he asks his deputy if the internet search produced any results. There were a few incidents of violence at the docks, but nothing connected to the current crime scene. Amy's body, though, did have one disturbing clue that pointed to a fisherman as the perpetrator: Amy's insides were yanked out through her mouth, similar to how a fish is gutted.
That night, is gets misty again. A pair of generic fishermen are doing some repairs on a motor. One is drinking a beer, and the other one thinks that it's affecting his job performance. The drunk asks his coworker to fetch more beer.
The sober guy hears a noise that sounds like a chain being dragged on the ground, and he stops to listen. The sound gets louder as he turns a corner, then it simply stops. Just as he's about to head back, a hand grabs him by the head, and he gets yanked onto the roof.
The drunk guy farts around with various tools while he waits for the beer, then yells out to his friend to hurry. He walks outside to see what the delay is, and wanders into the same dark area where the murder just occurred. His friend's corpse is left for him to find, with several long hooks piercing his head and torso. Then the killer plunges a blade through the drunk's back, killing him.
The sheriff is notified about the latest murders. He sees that the bodies are displayed like the waitress was, and he sees that word etched on them again: HIX. He asks his deputy what it means, but there's no easy answer just yet.
The sheriff asks a couple of older fishermen if they know anything, which they do, but they deny it. One admits that he's heard that word before, but he refuses to elaborate on the matter. As the sheriff walks away, one of the fishermen tells him to seek out a local by the name of Virgil.
Virgil is the usual small-town coot. The sheriff finds him at the local dam, feeding the fish. The men engage in a conversation about whether or not fish and humans have souls, then head inside the bait shop. The sheriff finally gets around to asking about "HIX", and Virgil tells him that it's the name of another local, Harvey Hix.
Harvey used to reside in the town, but now he lives somewhere called The Gulch, near a pond. Harvey was run out of town, but Virgil refuses to reveal who scared him away, or even why they did it. Well, that's helpful, huh? Virgil wishes the sheriff luck in his search for answers.
The sheriff locates Harvey's home in the middle of the forest, and he and his deputy take a look around. Harvey(I presume) pulls a rifle on them, and demands to know why they are trespassing. When they explain about the murders, he insists that he's not Harvey Hix, and asks them to leave him alone.
The sheriff stops by the diner for some turtle soup, and the cook decides to speak with him about the case. It turns out that the cook is the former sheriff, and there's been some animosity between them since the election. Oh, and the main character finally gets a first name: Will.
The cook, Clark, begs Will to let him help with the investigation. Then we get something close to a plot: Years earlier, the town lived in fear of a local clan of hillbillies known as the Jacobs. When the locals grew tired of being bullied, a vigilante mob, led by Harvey Hix, rose up and killed the father and both sons. Will thanks him for the soup, but informs him that the idea of the Jacobs family rising from the dead is nonsense.
Then we meet Wyatt Jones and his wife. They're an elderly couple, and they've just returned to their houseboat from a late evening fishing trip. While Wyatt begins the task of cutting off fish heads(roly-poly fish heads, eat them up YUM!), his wife briefly leaves the room.
Wyatt suddenly notices that the room has become a lot foggier than it used to be. Wyatt searches for the source of the fog, unaware that the Jacobs trio is standing behind him. He gets 2 blades planted in his back, then they furiously begin to chop him to pieces. The wife sees the killers and shrieks, causing one of the zombies to stare at her with yellow eyes. Remember that detail.
She gets herself to the diner, and tells the patrons that her husband was murdered by the Jacobs boys. When Clark(the former sheriff-turned cook) asks her if she's sure, she describes them, and their evil "red" eyes. Did you like that little detail? I sure did. Oh, and the Jacobs kin are named Joseph, Jaden, and Jonah. Uh, okay.
There's a very brief scene re-introducing Autumn to us(Remember her? From the first scene?), and showing her in a car with some friends, and we learn that they are paranormal investigators. Okay. So what? That's all you're giving us?
Yup. Now we see Will speaking to Wyatt's widow as his grave. Wyatt was her second husband, and she's quite distraught. When Will asks her to file a report with his office, she agrees, but complains that it won't do any good.
Autumn and her classmates pull into the gas station, and get directions to the river. When the attendant asks them why they think they'll find ghosts in the small town, Autumn shows him a newspaper clipping about the recent string of murders. Oh, and her 2 friends are Hunter and Mackenzie. Why can't people in movies ever have names like "Bob" or "Sue" anymore? And Smith is a good last name. Hi, I'm Bob Smith, and I'm here to do your taxes. See? Nice and simple and easy to remember.
Virgil is stocking his bait inventory, when the sheriff sneaks into the shop, and nearly kills the old man with fright. They discuss the incident that ended with the Jacobs trio being killed, and Virgil reveals that it started because a local woman claimed that one of them had raped her. After the group killed them, she recanted her story.
Will heads back to church, where Mary is still praying her holy ass off. He asks Mary how she knew the murders would happen, and she starts to ramble. He then asks her if Harvey's death will end the rampage, but she doesn't respond to that query either. Boy, that sure wasn't a complete waste of time.
Then we get the worst acting in the entire movie(so far!). An old man is in bed, thrashing around, and "wakes up" from a "nightmare". He's such a terrific "actor". He decides to wander from room to room, then comes face-to-face with one of the Jacobs boys right outside his front door. He gets a knife to the gut, then the other 2 monsters approach him.
Let's pause here for a sec. Y'know how, in the Friday the 13th films they usually unmask Jason at some point, to show off his gory makeup FX? Yeah, well, this movie makes even the worst "Jason faces" seem state-of-the-art by comparison. If you want to dress up like a Jacobs zombie for Halloween, throw together some oatmeal. Mix in some green food coloring. Then, just slather it all over your face. See how easy that was? And yours will probably look less cheap that this movie!
Oops, gotta rewind to where I left off. Oh. The old guy in bed was just dreaming. Well, that was pointless! Hey, is anyone else craving oatmeal all of a sudden?
Our "paranormal investigators" are drifting aimlessly in a rowboat on the river. Suddenly, Hunter reports that his EMF detector is going bonkers. Autumn shushes the others, and they all listen. The boat thuds to a halt as they hit something, then Mackenzie gets pulled into the water when she leans over the boat to have a look.
Autumn panics, then uses her oar to splash around a bit. A zombie hand tries to pull her into the water as well, but she manages to remain in the boat. Hunter just sits there, being a doofus.. He's a huge help, isn't he?
The sheriff visits the bait shop yet again, and he and Virgil have, what?, their third discussion about evil spirits. Man, if this thing removed every completely unnecessary scene, we'd be watching a 5-minute film. This is getting out of hand.
After THAT nonsense, we see a little girl and her mother. The little girl tells her mother that she's going outside to look for nightcrawlers, and the mother agrees. People are dying left and right, and you're going to let your daughter wander around in the dark, to look for WORMS??!?! Dumbass central.
At a different bar(Really, movie? REALLY?), the local drunks are debating the best way to handle the murders. One guy tells the others that part of the blame rests with Will, because he doesn't believe in God. Yeah, it's not a bunch of drunk murderers to blame, it's the town atheist. I'll agree to anything if you just get to a frigging point sometime THIS CENTURY!
Back to the church. Mary is talking to a mystery man, while lighting rosary candles. She says that killing for the betterment of society isn't a sin, then suggests that killing Harvey will end the rampage of the Jacobs family. Great, thanks for giving her THAT idea, Will!
That little girl is still looking for bait. She finds a big, juicy worm, then one of the killers finds her. Irony. Heh. At least they fade to black, rather than show a little kid getting slaughtered. Classy.
The deputy gets a call from the little girl's mom, and she reports that her daughter is missing. Get this: She tells him that the daughter went on her worm-hunt at eight, but the call doesn't come in until 11! Isn't that awesome parenting? What was she doing for the last several hours, tripping her balls off?
Another howler: When the deputy asks the mother to verify that her kid went worm-hunting and never returned, she says "Yes!" 3 times, pausing each time. Drama club! Acting! She and Wyatt's wife are serious contenders for Worst Actresses of The Century. The deputy tells her that someone will come right away, then he abruptly hangs up on her. She keeps on yammering into the phone, realizes that he's no longer there, then botches the simple act of hanging up the damned phone. High-larious. Comedy gold.
The cops and the fire department arrive, and they soon discover the body of the little girl. Cause of death was likely shame, over how bad an actress her mommy is. Will is again approached by Clark, who asks him when he'll finally admit that he needs help. Then both men share an awkward silence, as they struggle to remember their lines. This movie would be epic if I were either drunk or high. Or mentally challenged.
Will tells him to back off, so Clark decides to take matters into his own hands. He places a call to a buddy, and it looks like we have the beginnings of another posse on our hands. Great. Look how it turned out the last time they formed a posse.
After losing the oar, it's shown that Autumn's little boat also has a motor. Sadly, it refuses to start. Then Hunter asks Autumn why they even made the trip, as she's never been interested in anything paranormal up to that point. She claims that she just thought it would be fun. Hunter tells her that they'll probably drift until they reach the dam, where the boat will be destroyed.
That guy has another nightmare, and decides to wander through his house some more. He passes in front of a blue light, so that you can clearly see his shadow on the wall. Then, while he's FACING the light, another shadow passes his. Get what I'm saying?
Instead of giving us a scene where a killer sneaks around behind our guy, he sneaks around RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. This goes beyond stupid, really. I mean, I can't remember off-hand what the lowest-rated movie was for this blog, but this one deserves a special trophy. I can almost guarantee that I will never see a slasher as bad as this one. Almost. But there's always next week...
Anyway, our insomniac(Harvey Hix! I can't believe I forgot who he was!) wanders outside, and he gets snatched up by the drunk guys. Then they go to the gas station, where the attendant sees Harvey covered up in the back of their truck. They convince him to keep quiet, and give him some extra cash to keep him silent.
After the truck takes off, the gas station guy calls the deputy. He reports seeing someone being kidnapped, then adds that they bought a good amount of boat fuel at the station. Yet again, the deputy hangs up on the caller before they realize what's happened. That guy's an asshole.
The deputy informs Will about the group with the truck, then makes another call. The truck arrives at the dock, and the plan is revealed: They're going to take out 2 boats onto the river. They'll be in the main boat, but Hix will be tied up in a rowboat behind them. They'll drag his boat out to the spot where the Jacobs clan was dumped, and offer him up as a sacrifice to the angry spirits.
They head out on the water, and Will asks another boater to take him out on the river. As they approach the posse, they talk about the murders, and Will explains that the idea that the Jacobs brothers are killing folks has one huge flaw: Why now? Why didn't they just kill Harvey Hix and the rest of the vigilantes years ago, if they could rise from the dead? Good question. Methinks this one might actually have a plot twist at the end.
They spot a boat, but it's the college students. Will stops to rescue them, and tells them that they're safe, which of course mean that they aren't. Hunter gets killed almost immediately, with an ax to his skull. The killer starts after Autumn, but Will shoots at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. The zombie stares at the wound, then just says, "Already dead."
He tosses Autumn aside, then tries to suffocate the sheriff. Will plunges a knife into his shoulder, but it gets tossed into the river. The killer searches for his victims, and a noose gets dropped around his neck. As Will grabs the rifle and attempts to finish him off, the zombie vanishes into thin air.
Now they really do find the right boat up ahead, so they kill the lights and the engine. Clark's buddy hits something in the water, so they all decide to set Hix adrift right there. And that's when Will finds them, and points a rifle at the drunken trio.
While, they argue back and forth over Hix, the 3 Jacobs zombies emerge from the fog. Harvey Hix drifts toward the dead men(who seem to be able to walk on water) in the raft, and he starts to pray. Just as he reaches them, he gets a bullet to the head. It was Autumn who fired the shot. The zombies raise their weapons, and vigorously begin to hack and slash at poor Harvey's body.
Autumn tearfully says that he was her grandfather. Then we see her sitting in the snow again, and she resumes her narration. It turns out that Harvey, her grandfather, had also raped her mother. She looks up and smiles at the camera. THE END
Laaaaaaame. I mean, how lousy does a movie have to be to be worse than the worst movie I've ever seen? Minimal blood, terrible acting, no nudity...it's the triple-threat of sucky films! And I survived. .5 killer trees out of 5. Yeah, this one doesn't even earn a full point.
And what did I learn from River of Darkness?
-Turds float.
-Somewhere in these United States, there is a town filled with beefy lunkheads.
-You can miss seeing killers, even if they stand between you and the only light source.
Next up: Mama. I had hoped to see either Child's Play or Pumpkinhead next, but both were pushed back by Netflix, so Mama came in early. October's a tough time to rent slashers, huh? I have no idea if Mama qualifies or not, but if not, there'll be another delay until I can get an alternative movie to see.
Anyway, I always figured that it was their one big attempt at a horror film, as most of their stuff is squarely in the action genre, but then I found River of Darkness. It's definitely a step down from See No Evil, but I'll pretty much watch anything for a laugh. Let's get ready to SPOOOOOOOOIIIIILLLLL!
First impressions are important, and this one doesn't start out well. It looks like it was shot with el cheapo camcorders, so everything on the screen looks washed out and cheap. Incredibly low budget. Also, except for some of the names of the wrestlers(and even some of these guys are unfamiliar to me), I don't recognize any of the supporting cast. Not even a genre character actor, like Sid Haig, or Jeffrey Combs, to enjoy watching. Damn.
Anyway, the movie begins with a woman named Autumn sitting on a bench in the midst of a winter scene. She narrates the scene, revealing that her friends were killed, and she was blamed for their deaths. And...then that scene just fizzles out.
In a toilet stall, we see a different young woman. She's dressed as a waitress and rolling a joint. Then she tells her boss that she's heading home. Boy, this movie sure is good at being exciting AND interesting to watch! Why couldn't I have developed a fondness for "good" films?
On a side note, I think watching all of these movies is giving me brain damage. Me no am smart no more. And stuff. Brain cells....dying....must....resist....
Oh yeah. I was watching this thing. So, yeah, there's a waitress, and she's heading home after her shift. On her way out, she asks another waitress named Lisa if she wants to share the joint, but Lisa declines, then gives us her lifestory. As our first waitress steps outside, some fog rolls in.
She walks away from the building to light up, and her path is blocked by someone wearing a long coat. The stranger, who looks like he might be comfortable in an '80's hair band, stabs the waitress right through her midsection, then lifts her off of her feet. Blood trickles out of her mouth, and she coughs up even more when her attacker throws her to the ground. Cue credits.
The following morning, the town's police force is pretty much all over the crime scene. The sheriff asks for details, and we learn that the waitress was named Amy, and that her killer strung her to a post after he killed her. Also, the word "HIX" was written on her body. The sheriff suggests that they check local databases for similar murders in the surrounding communities.
He heads into the diner next, both for information and a presumably greasy breakfast. He gets neither, as the guy running the place ignores him to chat with some buddies. While the sheriff tries to get his attention, a call comes in over his walkie-talkie, asking him to look at yet another crime scene. The sheriff leaves, and drives over to the local church.
The priest meets him outside, and tells him that a woman named Mary Rutledge broke a window and entered the church through said window. They head inside to speak with Mary, who is draped in black and fervently praying. The sheriff tries to ask Mary if she's okay, but she keeps right on praying.
When he raises his voice, Mary finally responds. She announces that "they" have arrived, and that "redemption is upon us". "They" are also going to spread violence and chaos throughout the community, and she tells him that he already knows about their arrival. Perplexed, the sheriff leaves.
Back at his office, he asks his deputy if the internet search produced any results. There were a few incidents of violence at the docks, but nothing connected to the current crime scene. Amy's body, though, did have one disturbing clue that pointed to a fisherman as the perpetrator: Amy's insides were yanked out through her mouth, similar to how a fish is gutted.
That night, is gets misty again. A pair of generic fishermen are doing some repairs on a motor. One is drinking a beer, and the other one thinks that it's affecting his job performance. The drunk asks his coworker to fetch more beer.
The sober guy hears a noise that sounds like a chain being dragged on the ground, and he stops to listen. The sound gets louder as he turns a corner, then it simply stops. Just as he's about to head back, a hand grabs him by the head, and he gets yanked onto the roof.
The drunk guy farts around with various tools while he waits for the beer, then yells out to his friend to hurry. He walks outside to see what the delay is, and wanders into the same dark area where the murder just occurred. His friend's corpse is left for him to find, with several long hooks piercing his head and torso. Then the killer plunges a blade through the drunk's back, killing him.
The sheriff is notified about the latest murders. He sees that the bodies are displayed like the waitress was, and he sees that word etched on them again: HIX. He asks his deputy what it means, but there's no easy answer just yet.
The sheriff asks a couple of older fishermen if they know anything, which they do, but they deny it. One admits that he's heard that word before, but he refuses to elaborate on the matter. As the sheriff walks away, one of the fishermen tells him to seek out a local by the name of Virgil.
Virgil is the usual small-town coot. The sheriff finds him at the local dam, feeding the fish. The men engage in a conversation about whether or not fish and humans have souls, then head inside the bait shop. The sheriff finally gets around to asking about "HIX", and Virgil tells him that it's the name of another local, Harvey Hix.
Harvey used to reside in the town, but now he lives somewhere called The Gulch, near a pond. Harvey was run out of town, but Virgil refuses to reveal who scared him away, or even why they did it. Well, that's helpful, huh? Virgil wishes the sheriff luck in his search for answers.
The sheriff locates Harvey's home in the middle of the forest, and he and his deputy take a look around. Harvey(I presume) pulls a rifle on them, and demands to know why they are trespassing. When they explain about the murders, he insists that he's not Harvey Hix, and asks them to leave him alone.
The sheriff stops by the diner for some turtle soup, and the cook decides to speak with him about the case. It turns out that the cook is the former sheriff, and there's been some animosity between them since the election. Oh, and the main character finally gets a first name: Will.
The cook, Clark, begs Will to let him help with the investigation. Then we get something close to a plot: Years earlier, the town lived in fear of a local clan of hillbillies known as the Jacobs. When the locals grew tired of being bullied, a vigilante mob, led by Harvey Hix, rose up and killed the father and both sons. Will thanks him for the soup, but informs him that the idea of the Jacobs family rising from the dead is nonsense.
Then we meet Wyatt Jones and his wife. They're an elderly couple, and they've just returned to their houseboat from a late evening fishing trip. While Wyatt begins the task of cutting off fish heads(roly-poly fish heads, eat them up YUM!), his wife briefly leaves the room.
Wyatt suddenly notices that the room has become a lot foggier than it used to be. Wyatt searches for the source of the fog, unaware that the Jacobs trio is standing behind him. He gets 2 blades planted in his back, then they furiously begin to chop him to pieces. The wife sees the killers and shrieks, causing one of the zombies to stare at her with yellow eyes. Remember that detail.
She gets herself to the diner, and tells the patrons that her husband was murdered by the Jacobs boys. When Clark(the former sheriff-turned cook) asks her if she's sure, she describes them, and their evil "red" eyes. Did you like that little detail? I sure did. Oh, and the Jacobs kin are named Joseph, Jaden, and Jonah. Uh, okay.
There's a very brief scene re-introducing Autumn to us(Remember her? From the first scene?), and showing her in a car with some friends, and we learn that they are paranormal investigators. Okay. So what? That's all you're giving us?
Yup. Now we see Will speaking to Wyatt's widow as his grave. Wyatt was her second husband, and she's quite distraught. When Will asks her to file a report with his office, she agrees, but complains that it won't do any good.
Autumn and her classmates pull into the gas station, and get directions to the river. When the attendant asks them why they think they'll find ghosts in the small town, Autumn shows him a newspaper clipping about the recent string of murders. Oh, and her 2 friends are Hunter and Mackenzie. Why can't people in movies ever have names like "Bob" or "Sue" anymore? And Smith is a good last name. Hi, I'm Bob Smith, and I'm here to do your taxes. See? Nice and simple and easy to remember.
Virgil is stocking his bait inventory, when the sheriff sneaks into the shop, and nearly kills the old man with fright. They discuss the incident that ended with the Jacobs trio being killed, and Virgil reveals that it started because a local woman claimed that one of them had raped her. After the group killed them, she recanted her story.
Will heads back to church, where Mary is still praying her holy ass off. He asks Mary how she knew the murders would happen, and she starts to ramble. He then asks her if Harvey's death will end the rampage, but she doesn't respond to that query either. Boy, that sure wasn't a complete waste of time.
Then we get the worst acting in the entire movie(so far!). An old man is in bed, thrashing around, and "wakes up" from a "nightmare". He's such a terrific "actor". He decides to wander from room to room, then comes face-to-face with one of the Jacobs boys right outside his front door. He gets a knife to the gut, then the other 2 monsters approach him.
Let's pause here for a sec. Y'know how, in the Friday the 13th films they usually unmask Jason at some point, to show off his gory makeup FX? Yeah, well, this movie makes even the worst "Jason faces" seem state-of-the-art by comparison. If you want to dress up like a Jacobs zombie for Halloween, throw together some oatmeal. Mix in some green food coloring. Then, just slather it all over your face. See how easy that was? And yours will probably look less cheap that this movie!
Oops, gotta rewind to where I left off. Oh. The old guy in bed was just dreaming. Well, that was pointless! Hey, is anyone else craving oatmeal all of a sudden?
Our "paranormal investigators" are drifting aimlessly in a rowboat on the river. Suddenly, Hunter reports that his EMF detector is going bonkers. Autumn shushes the others, and they all listen. The boat thuds to a halt as they hit something, then Mackenzie gets pulled into the water when she leans over the boat to have a look.
Autumn panics, then uses her oar to splash around a bit. A zombie hand tries to pull her into the water as well, but she manages to remain in the boat. Hunter just sits there, being a doofus.. He's a huge help, isn't he?
The sheriff visits the bait shop yet again, and he and Virgil have, what?, their third discussion about evil spirits. Man, if this thing removed every completely unnecessary scene, we'd be watching a 5-minute film. This is getting out of hand.
After THAT nonsense, we see a little girl and her mother. The little girl tells her mother that she's going outside to look for nightcrawlers, and the mother agrees. People are dying left and right, and you're going to let your daughter wander around in the dark, to look for WORMS??!?! Dumbass central.
At a different bar(Really, movie? REALLY?), the local drunks are debating the best way to handle the murders. One guy tells the others that part of the blame rests with Will, because he doesn't believe in God. Yeah, it's not a bunch of drunk murderers to blame, it's the town atheist. I'll agree to anything if you just get to a frigging point sometime THIS CENTURY!
Back to the church. Mary is talking to a mystery man, while lighting rosary candles. She says that killing for the betterment of society isn't a sin, then suggests that killing Harvey will end the rampage of the Jacobs family. Great, thanks for giving her THAT idea, Will!
That little girl is still looking for bait. She finds a big, juicy worm, then one of the killers finds her. Irony. Heh. At least they fade to black, rather than show a little kid getting slaughtered. Classy.
The deputy gets a call from the little girl's mom, and she reports that her daughter is missing. Get this: She tells him that the daughter went on her worm-hunt at eight, but the call doesn't come in until 11! Isn't that awesome parenting? What was she doing for the last several hours, tripping her balls off?
Another howler: When the deputy asks the mother to verify that her kid went worm-hunting and never returned, she says "Yes!" 3 times, pausing each time. Drama club! Acting! She and Wyatt's wife are serious contenders for Worst Actresses of The Century. The deputy tells her that someone will come right away, then he abruptly hangs up on her. She keeps on yammering into the phone, realizes that he's no longer there, then botches the simple act of hanging up the damned phone. High-larious. Comedy gold.
The cops and the fire department arrive, and they soon discover the body of the little girl. Cause of death was likely shame, over how bad an actress her mommy is. Will is again approached by Clark, who asks him when he'll finally admit that he needs help. Then both men share an awkward silence, as they struggle to remember their lines. This movie would be epic if I were either drunk or high. Or mentally challenged.
Will tells him to back off, so Clark decides to take matters into his own hands. He places a call to a buddy, and it looks like we have the beginnings of another posse on our hands. Great. Look how it turned out the last time they formed a posse.
After losing the oar, it's shown that Autumn's little boat also has a motor. Sadly, it refuses to start. Then Hunter asks Autumn why they even made the trip, as she's never been interested in anything paranormal up to that point. She claims that she just thought it would be fun. Hunter tells her that they'll probably drift until they reach the dam, where the boat will be destroyed.
That guy has another nightmare, and decides to wander through his house some more. He passes in front of a blue light, so that you can clearly see his shadow on the wall. Then, while he's FACING the light, another shadow passes his. Get what I'm saying?
Instead of giving us a scene where a killer sneaks around behind our guy, he sneaks around RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. This goes beyond stupid, really. I mean, I can't remember off-hand what the lowest-rated movie was for this blog, but this one deserves a special trophy. I can almost guarantee that I will never see a slasher as bad as this one. Almost. But there's always next week...
Anyway, our insomniac(Harvey Hix! I can't believe I forgot who he was!) wanders outside, and he gets snatched up by the drunk guys. Then they go to the gas station, where the attendant sees Harvey covered up in the back of their truck. They convince him to keep quiet, and give him some extra cash to keep him silent.
After the truck takes off, the gas station guy calls the deputy. He reports seeing someone being kidnapped, then adds that they bought a good amount of boat fuel at the station. Yet again, the deputy hangs up on the caller before they realize what's happened. That guy's an asshole.
The deputy informs Will about the group with the truck, then makes another call. The truck arrives at the dock, and the plan is revealed: They're going to take out 2 boats onto the river. They'll be in the main boat, but Hix will be tied up in a rowboat behind them. They'll drag his boat out to the spot where the Jacobs clan was dumped, and offer him up as a sacrifice to the angry spirits.
They head out on the water, and Will asks another boater to take him out on the river. As they approach the posse, they talk about the murders, and Will explains that the idea that the Jacobs brothers are killing folks has one huge flaw: Why now? Why didn't they just kill Harvey Hix and the rest of the vigilantes years ago, if they could rise from the dead? Good question. Methinks this one might actually have a plot twist at the end.
They spot a boat, but it's the college students. Will stops to rescue them, and tells them that they're safe, which of course mean that they aren't. Hunter gets killed almost immediately, with an ax to his skull. The killer starts after Autumn, but Will shoots at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. The zombie stares at the wound, then just says, "Already dead."
He tosses Autumn aside, then tries to suffocate the sheriff. Will plunges a knife into his shoulder, but it gets tossed into the river. The killer searches for his victims, and a noose gets dropped around his neck. As Will grabs the rifle and attempts to finish him off, the zombie vanishes into thin air.
Now they really do find the right boat up ahead, so they kill the lights and the engine. Clark's buddy hits something in the water, so they all decide to set Hix adrift right there. And that's when Will finds them, and points a rifle at the drunken trio.
While, they argue back and forth over Hix, the 3 Jacobs zombies emerge from the fog. Harvey Hix drifts toward the dead men(who seem to be able to walk on water) in the raft, and he starts to pray. Just as he reaches them, he gets a bullet to the head. It was Autumn who fired the shot. The zombies raise their weapons, and vigorously begin to hack and slash at poor Harvey's body.
Autumn tearfully says that he was her grandfather. Then we see her sitting in the snow again, and she resumes her narration. It turns out that Harvey, her grandfather, had also raped her mother. She looks up and smiles at the camera. THE END
Laaaaaaame. I mean, how lousy does a movie have to be to be worse than the worst movie I've ever seen? Minimal blood, terrible acting, no nudity...it's the triple-threat of sucky films! And I survived. .5 killer trees out of 5. Yeah, this one doesn't even earn a full point.
And what did I learn from River of Darkness?
-Turds float.
-Somewhere in these United States, there is a town filled with beefy lunkheads.
-You can miss seeing killers, even if they stand between you and the only light source.
Next up: Mama. I had hoped to see either Child's Play or Pumpkinhead next, but both were pushed back by Netflix, so Mama came in early. October's a tough time to rent slashers, huh? I have no idea if Mama qualifies or not, but if not, there'll be another delay until I can get an alternative movie to see.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Dying Breed
\Man, it's been a crazy week! I joined a gym and a dating site, I've been getting hooked on some of the new fall shows(mostly Super Fun Night and Brooklyn-99), and now, we get to watch this Australian slasher film together! G'day mates, and get ready for SPOILERS!
Okay, so right off the top, we get thrown some fun facts: Apparently, Australia was a penal colony for Britain, between 1788 and 1868. In the region now known as Tasmania, a convict by the name of Alexander Pearce aka The Pieman, actually escaped. And...AND??? Ugh, less than a minute in, and this one's already pissing me off. Yeah, this'll be a fun time.
Now we get some guy running through some trees, chased by men with dogs. The year is 1820, and the man on the run is The Pieman. An armed officer has him backed up against a tree, but the gun misfires at the last second. The Pieman fights back, biting into the neck and shoulder of his opponent.
After The Pieman removes a good chunk of the other man's flesh, a wild cat from the jungle shows up. The killer uses the cop's body to distract the beast, then continues with his escape. Then, on with the opening credits. Leigh Whannell, from the Saw franchise is in this one, as is one of the co-stars of another Australian slasher flick, Wolf Creek. Rent that one if you haven't seen it, it's brutal.
Anyway, we meet an unnamed couple on an airplane. They're meeting up with a guy named Jack, to apparently look for an elusive tiger in Tasmania. Matt is the husband, and his wife, Nina, has hired Jack to not only track this tiger, but also investigate how her sister died while also searching for this animal. Oh, and Jack's bringing his gtirlfriend, Rebecca, along for the fun.
Rebecca and Nina get to know each other on the long car ride, and we discover that Nina and her sister had been out of contact with each other for a few years. Oh, and proof that this tiger exists is worth a million dollars. Sounds good to me.
They come to a stop at the ominous-sounding Pieman River, and get out of the car. Rebecca starts to snap some photographs, and they all see a sign advising them to hit a helpful call button if they require assistance. Being a "Jack" ass, Jack pretends to get electrocuted when he presses the button.
Still sitting in the car, Nina stares at a picture of her sister. This provokes a flashback, showing that there was a pretty brutal death by drowning. The corpse had no teeth left,and an eel slithered out of her mouth during the preliminary exam. Nina snaps out of the memory as a boat arrives to take them across the river.
While Matt and Jack wait for the boat to get closer, Rebecca has been taking a dump in the trees. During this process, she gets the feeling that someone is watching her. She runs all the way back to the car, where she joins Nina in the back seat. The boat tows the car onto a ramp, then they cross the river.
Matt wanders around the deck, then hears a child reciting the Simple Simon nursery rhyme. The kid looks creepy and angry, and bites Matt when he gets too close. Matt sheepishly admits that it was probably his fault for getting too close. When they get the car back on land, Rebecca compares the little girl to a monster from The X-Files.
Another Nina flashback: She's presenting her research of this Tasmanian Tiger to a group that she hopes will fund her trip, but they seem very skeptical. After several interruptions, she shows them a photograph of a massive paw print, apparently confirming the existence of the Tasmanian Tiger.
Back in the present, Nina swerves off of the road, because she thinks she sees someone standing there. Jack then looks for damage, and insists on being the one to drive. The journey comes to an end around sundown, and they pull into a "town" where the few buildings are all named after the infamous Pieman.
Rebecca steps into the local bar to use the bathroom(What, is her bladder the size of a thimble?), while the others have a look around. As the locals gawk at Rebecca, Nina peeks into a house, where she spots something that looks an awful lot like a bowl filled with teeth. What happened to her sister, again? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Jack decides to be a dick, and slashes one of the tires on a truck he leans against. Wow, this is the nicest group ever! While Nina also checks out the toilet situation, Matt asks about renting a room for the night. The woman behind the bar refuses to give him a room, but an older man named Harvey offers to let them crash at his place. Oh, and the bathroom is more disgusting than any slasher I've seen since I started writing this blog...
A young guy named Gareth discovers that his truck now has a mysteriously flat tire, so he heads out to change it. While doing so, he exchanges a greeting with another local named Liam. Then Matt, Nina and their friends order a meal at the bar. It's pie.
Nina asks the locals about the rumors of the tiger, and Harvey scoffs at the idea. But an old man serving the drinks says otherwise, and amuses them with his re-enactment of a tiger attack. Then he takes out his teeth and tries to get Nina to dance with him.
Jack and Matt go out to the vehicle to unpack their supplies and clothes, and Jack discovers that Gareth got back at his trick with the tire, by leaving a long scratch on his precious truck. As he examines the damage, a vicious dog leaps out from the darkness, snarling and snapping at him.
As they get settled for the night, Matt apologizes to Nina for both Jack's boorish behavior, and the addition of Nina to the group. She says that she's fine, then shows him some information she discovered about the region, including the Pieman's Curse. Jinkies!
Anyway, she has newspaper articles about the supposed curse, dating back all the way to 1954. Matt doesn't believe that the disappearances stem from a curse, because people disappear every day. He doesn't even get fazed when Nina mentions the cannibalism, or that the girl who bit him earlier was singing about the cannibal.
Then we get an abrupt shift, as we see Jack and Rebecca screwing like rabbits. The lights suddenly go out, and Rebecca freaks out when she hears someone in the room with them. Jack chases the person, and the others in the house check on Rebecca.
Jack catches up to the guy, then blames him for both scratching his vehicle, and being a pervert. He beats the kid up and leaves him on the ground, where he's both bleeding and laughing. Then the kid is attacked from behind, but seems to know his attacker.
Rebecca is pretty upset about being peeped on. While Nina calms her down, both Jack and Matt make sure that she knows that it's been handled. The rest of the evening is trouble-free.
They set out for the dreaded search in the morning, but Nina forgets her camera in the car. She goes back for it, but gets the feeling that someone is spying on her. When she takes a look around, she finds the bar owner killing puppies. Apparently, the pups were the product of inbreeding. Dead puppies, dead puppies, they don't come when you call!
The biter from the ferry tries to get Nina to play with her, but Nina just wants to get going. The kid follows her. As Nina's on the verge of blowing her top, the kid's father fetches her and Matt arrives. Everyone goes back to what they were doing. The foursome take a boat out on the water, as the puppy killin' mama watches them leave.
The river ends at a crude dam, but it's not marked on Matt's map. They see someone watching them from a distant bridge, and decide to look for a different route. The mysterious stranger vanishes. Mysteriously.
They get to a marshy area that makes Camp Crystal Lake look like Disney World. As they step onto dry land again, Jack reveals that he brought along a hefty crossbow. Nina doesn't approve, but Matt talks her down from having a hissy fit.
After hiking for a little while in sullen silence, Jack sings a marching drill to amuse the others: I don't know what you've told/Becky's ass is solid gold!/Sound off/1, 2, 3, 4! Anyone want to take bets on whether or not he gets killed first?
They decide to set up camp after about 15 kilometers, and Jack discovers a cave. Everybody else seems happy to explore, except for Rebecca. They continue in without her, and she pouts. They find a beer bottle inside, then Rebecca joins them, because she heard some thunder.
Nina looks for evidence of the tiger around the trees and on the ground, and even collects some samples in a bag. Then she nearly sprains her ankle, discovering a hole in the ground in the process. Nina tries to relax by taking a picture of a cute bunny, but Jack and his weapon kill da wabbit. But-de but-de-but-de, that's all folks!
She and Jack square off, each one accusing the other of ruining the trip. Then we see that the boat has drifted away, leaving the unaware group stranded. Well, I'm sure THAT won't lead to a fight!
Jack skins the rabbit back at the campfire, and Rebecca is disgusted by the sight. Then she spots the samples that Nina collected, and realizes that they're animal feces. Jack struggles as if in great pain, then holds the rabbit carcass in Rebecca's face to make her scream. Dead animals and poop...these folks must be a blast at a yankee swap!
While they all sleep, Nina dreams about her sister. In the dream, she's being hunted through the woods, and men and dogs are chasing her, just like the Pie Man was chased. As they catch up to her at the edge of a cliff, the dream ends...and it turns out to be a dream that an old man was having. Huh? That was some pretty sloppy editing.
The old man gets up to splash some cold water on his face, then notices a mess outside his daughter's room. He calls out her name, Katie, several times, waking up his wife in the process. She begs him to find Katie.
Matt wakes up, and hears something moving near the cave. When he gets up to take a look, he wakes up Nina as well. They see movement in the forest a few feet away, and a flashlight reveals the legendary Tasmanian Tiger, peering out at them. Nina rushes back to the campsite to fetch her camera, and wakes up the other couple.
The tiger has wandered away during the commotion, so they decide to see if they can track it. They get divided in the trees, and Rebecca uses her phone a as a flashlight, my least-favorite of the new cliches in modern horror films. She scans her surroundings, nearly dying of fright when she encounters the nasty little biter from the ferry.
While Rebecca tries to ask the child some basic questions, someone shines a light on them. Rebecca turns to see who it is, and is attacked. She cries out, then goes bye-bye. Damn, I just lost the bet! Did anyone have Rebecca in the betting pool?
Nina is wandering around looking for clues, but doesn't seem close enough to hear Rebecca crying out. Rebecca is soon dead, and her killer removes her tongue with his teeth. The little kid just stands there and watches.
Nina thinks that she found the tiger, but only Matt turns up. They regroup with Jack, and suddenly realize that they're now a trio. Jack calls out to Rebecca, and Matt comments to Nina that they should be close enough to hear her, and vice versa. Uh, y'mean like the way that Nina heard all of the noise Rebecca made while she was being murdered? How did that work out?
Nina tells them about the hidden tunnel she tripped over earlier, then the others realize that she has blood on her legs. Jack begs her to tell him where she was walking, and he goes off in search of his girlfriend. Nina gets hysterical, so Matt leaves her stranded to join Jack. What a thoughtful boyfriend, huh?
Jack gets deep into the woods looking for Rebecca. Nina heads into the cave, where she gets weepy again while looking at the picture of her sister. Matt joins her, claiming to have lost Jack. Wouldn't it be weird if there was a Saw-style plot twist, and Matt was a cannibal? Well, considering that I was wrong about my last hunch, forget I said anything.
Our favorite little ankle-biter shows up, covered in blood. Matt asks the little girl where the blood came from, then Harvey shows up, along with another townie. He sort of offers to help them, and they sort of agree. As they all exit the cave, someone nearby can be seen some human flesh.
Nina asks the townie if he knew her sister. He admits that he did, and that she stayed there for about a year, looking for the mysterious tiger. Then he makes a cryptic comment about a "bitch in heat", and continues toward the village. They reluctantly keep following him.
He leads them deeper into the woods, and Matt demands to know where they are. It turns out that the guy was leading them to the abandoned mine, on the theory that maybe Rebecca and Jack might have wandered in somehow. Then he contradicts his idea, when he has to kick down an iron gate to even get inside. Isn't logic fun, kids? The good news is, I think we must be getting near the end of this thing...
The weird townie triggers a bear trap(which he gleefully calls a "man trap"), then tells them that they'll have to search by themselves. He promises to meet them at the other end, and they decide that they can trust him. However, when they enter the mine, he stays at the entrance, just staring into the dark tunnel.
They make their way slowly down the dark tunnel, avoiding the few traps(1?) they see. The exit at the other end is eventually visible, and there's someone there. Jack? We know it's not the guy who showed them the entrance, because he's seen still standing where they left him. As they chase after the figure, the townie decides that he should follow them.
The townie steps out of the mine, but Nina and Matt are nowhere to be seen. He hears somebody moving toward him, and calls them Rowan. As he begs Rowan not to kill any more innocent victims, someone with a grey beard attacks him. Harvey, maybe? And who the heck is Rowan?
Our main couple decide to return to the tunnel. Then we see Jack, crossbow in hand, as he finds some bloody remains on the ground. How is this dipwad still alive? That just pisses me off, man.
When Matt and Nina arrive back at the mineshaft tunnel, they see blood on the ground near the entrance. Matt sees an object in the blood, which turns out to be a hunk of human flesh. As he drops it in sisgust, Jack gets spooked by a local who calls out to him. He accidentally fires his crossbow, and the bolt passes through the cheek of an old man, impaling him on a tree. Ouch!
The trio of "friends" reunite, and then Jack shows the other two what he did. When Matt and Nina question him, they discover that he found Rebecca's coat, her phone, and a few other things that belonged to her, all covered in blood. Despite his misgivings, they pull the old man off of the tree.
He agrees to lead them out of the woods, and takes them to a cabin(in the woods, YES!) instead. They ask him who lives there, and he says that it belongs to the biter's father. Terrific. Oh, and as if we needed to be reminded that Matt is the worst boyfriend in the galaxy, he tells Nina to remain outside with the weird old guy. Yeah, real sharp thinking there, Matt.
Jack leads the way into the small home, and they find tables and shelves full of human remains. Then they enter a small kitchen area, and spot something boiling on the stove, but it's only wet clothing. Matt waves to Nina to show her that all is well.
Nina hears a noise in the woods, and the old man indicates that she should remain calm and silent. Jack and Matt go behind the house, where they find Rebecca's torso hanging from a tree. As he freaks out, a bear trap grabs him by the throat. Nina hears the yelling and screaming, and the old man urges her to go to them.
She tries to pry the trap off of Jack's neck, but it's way too late to save him. Hip hip hooray! Jack emits one last gurgle, then Matt urges Nina to leave with him. As Matt spies a jeep near the house, he urges Nina to stay by the body. Wow. What's worse, that he keeps putting her in danger, or that she keeps agreeing to do whatever he wants?
Nina sees the old man scurry into the house, so she follows him. While Matt realizes that the jeep is deader than disco, Nina is attacked by the old man, who now has a very large knife at her throat. He gloats that he and the other villagers come from a long line of cannibals and hunters.
A chase begins, and Matt hears the ruckus. He picks up a nearby hatchet, then tries to follow them. As Nina gets to the mineshaft, Matt finds a secret tunnel under the cannibal shack. He yells Nina's name, and she stops and looks back into the dark tunnel. Then she continues her escape.
Matt has only a flimsy lighter, but it shows him that he's found a stash of old bones and other things that the cannibals have dumped. Nina trips and hurts her ankle, but limps away, until she realizes that she's now at the top of that bridge near the dam. Matt sees her when he emerges from the tunnel and shouts her name.
Matt tries to climb up to her, but then one of the older cannibals corners poor Nina. The old man who brought them to the house is on the other side of the bridge. Matt watches as the 2 old men close in on her, and they reveal that they need her alive, to produce more offspring. Nina defies them by jumping off of the bridge.
Matt sees her die, then resumes trying to escape. As he climbs his way up to the bridge, the elder cannibal leans over the railing to look for Nina's body. The woman from the tavern then stabs him, making yet another reference to killing pups. Dead puppies, dead-dead-dead-dead dead puppies, they're no fun at allll....
When Matt finally gets to the bridge, he mistakenly thinks that the woman killed Nina. As he yells at her, she withdraws a knife from her pocket, then slits her own throat. Matt watches her die at his feet.
The police arrive, and Harvey urges Matt to return to the city until the investigation is over. Matt is preoccupied, just staring at Rebecca's pink phone. He hands it to the cops, who throw it into a box with other physical evidence. As Matt gets in his car, he begins to choke on something.
There's a brief glimpse at a drink he was sipping earlier, then someone drags him out of the vehicle. Harvey has taken him to a slaughterhouse, and tied him down. Then Harvey enters another room, where Matt sees that they have Jack tied up as well. Then the little kid sits on Matt's lap, and reveals that his teeth are very, very sharp.
There's some more text about how 250 people have vanished in Tasmania, but no human remains have been found. Then we see the cops again, and the cell phone reveals that a picture of the elusive tiger does actually exist. THE END
Boy, I'm not sure how to rate this one. The kills and the concept were good, but the plotholes and dumb characters kind of ruined it. 3 out of 5,I guess...you can decide whether or not to deduct another point for not killing Jack first.
And what did Dying Breed teach me?
-Well, Australia sucks for tourists.
-Never let your friend Jack go on vacation with you.
-If a tiger wants to play Hide & Seek, LET HIM WIN.
Next up is either Child's Play, or River of Darkness. Or whatever they send me, if those aren't available. Whatever, it's all good.
Okay, so right off the top, we get thrown some fun facts: Apparently, Australia was a penal colony for Britain, between 1788 and 1868. In the region now known as Tasmania, a convict by the name of Alexander Pearce aka The Pieman, actually escaped. And...AND??? Ugh, less than a minute in, and this one's already pissing me off. Yeah, this'll be a fun time.
Now we get some guy running through some trees, chased by men with dogs. The year is 1820, and the man on the run is The Pieman. An armed officer has him backed up against a tree, but the gun misfires at the last second. The Pieman fights back, biting into the neck and shoulder of his opponent.
After The Pieman removes a good chunk of the other man's flesh, a wild cat from the jungle shows up. The killer uses the cop's body to distract the beast, then continues with his escape. Then, on with the opening credits. Leigh Whannell, from the Saw franchise is in this one, as is one of the co-stars of another Australian slasher flick, Wolf Creek. Rent that one if you haven't seen it, it's brutal.
Anyway, we meet an unnamed couple on an airplane. They're meeting up with a guy named Jack, to apparently look for an elusive tiger in Tasmania. Matt is the husband, and his wife, Nina, has hired Jack to not only track this tiger, but also investigate how her sister died while also searching for this animal. Oh, and Jack's bringing his gtirlfriend, Rebecca, along for the fun.
Rebecca and Nina get to know each other on the long car ride, and we discover that Nina and her sister had been out of contact with each other for a few years. Oh, and proof that this tiger exists is worth a million dollars. Sounds good to me.
They come to a stop at the ominous-sounding Pieman River, and get out of the car. Rebecca starts to snap some photographs, and they all see a sign advising them to hit a helpful call button if they require assistance. Being a "Jack" ass, Jack pretends to get electrocuted when he presses the button.
Still sitting in the car, Nina stares at a picture of her sister. This provokes a flashback, showing that there was a pretty brutal death by drowning. The corpse had no teeth left,and an eel slithered out of her mouth during the preliminary exam. Nina snaps out of the memory as a boat arrives to take them across the river.
While Matt and Jack wait for the boat to get closer, Rebecca has been taking a dump in the trees. During this process, she gets the feeling that someone is watching her. She runs all the way back to the car, where she joins Nina in the back seat. The boat tows the car onto a ramp, then they cross the river.
Matt wanders around the deck, then hears a child reciting the Simple Simon nursery rhyme. The kid looks creepy and angry, and bites Matt when he gets too close. Matt sheepishly admits that it was probably his fault for getting too close. When they get the car back on land, Rebecca compares the little girl to a monster from The X-Files.
Another Nina flashback: She's presenting her research of this Tasmanian Tiger to a group that she hopes will fund her trip, but they seem very skeptical. After several interruptions, she shows them a photograph of a massive paw print, apparently confirming the existence of the Tasmanian Tiger.
Back in the present, Nina swerves off of the road, because she thinks she sees someone standing there. Jack then looks for damage, and insists on being the one to drive. The journey comes to an end around sundown, and they pull into a "town" where the few buildings are all named after the infamous Pieman.
Rebecca steps into the local bar to use the bathroom(What, is her bladder the size of a thimble?), while the others have a look around. As the locals gawk at Rebecca, Nina peeks into a house, where she spots something that looks an awful lot like a bowl filled with teeth. What happened to her sister, again? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Jack decides to be a dick, and slashes one of the tires on a truck he leans against. Wow, this is the nicest group ever! While Nina also checks out the toilet situation, Matt asks about renting a room for the night. The woman behind the bar refuses to give him a room, but an older man named Harvey offers to let them crash at his place. Oh, and the bathroom is more disgusting than any slasher I've seen since I started writing this blog...
A young guy named Gareth discovers that his truck now has a mysteriously flat tire, so he heads out to change it. While doing so, he exchanges a greeting with another local named Liam. Then Matt, Nina and their friends order a meal at the bar. It's pie.
Nina asks the locals about the rumors of the tiger, and Harvey scoffs at the idea. But an old man serving the drinks says otherwise, and amuses them with his re-enactment of a tiger attack. Then he takes out his teeth and tries to get Nina to dance with him.
Jack and Matt go out to the vehicle to unpack their supplies and clothes, and Jack discovers that Gareth got back at his trick with the tire, by leaving a long scratch on his precious truck. As he examines the damage, a vicious dog leaps out from the darkness, snarling and snapping at him.
As they get settled for the night, Matt apologizes to Nina for both Jack's boorish behavior, and the addition of Nina to the group. She says that she's fine, then shows him some information she discovered about the region, including the Pieman's Curse. Jinkies!
Anyway, she has newspaper articles about the supposed curse, dating back all the way to 1954. Matt doesn't believe that the disappearances stem from a curse, because people disappear every day. He doesn't even get fazed when Nina mentions the cannibalism, or that the girl who bit him earlier was singing about the cannibal.
Then we get an abrupt shift, as we see Jack and Rebecca screwing like rabbits. The lights suddenly go out, and Rebecca freaks out when she hears someone in the room with them. Jack chases the person, and the others in the house check on Rebecca.
Jack catches up to the guy, then blames him for both scratching his vehicle, and being a pervert. He beats the kid up and leaves him on the ground, where he's both bleeding and laughing. Then the kid is attacked from behind, but seems to know his attacker.
Rebecca is pretty upset about being peeped on. While Nina calms her down, both Jack and Matt make sure that she knows that it's been handled. The rest of the evening is trouble-free.
They set out for the dreaded search in the morning, but Nina forgets her camera in the car. She goes back for it, but gets the feeling that someone is spying on her. When she takes a look around, she finds the bar owner killing puppies. Apparently, the pups were the product of inbreeding. Dead puppies, dead puppies, they don't come when you call!
The biter from the ferry tries to get Nina to play with her, but Nina just wants to get going. The kid follows her. As Nina's on the verge of blowing her top, the kid's father fetches her and Matt arrives. Everyone goes back to what they were doing. The foursome take a boat out on the water, as the puppy killin' mama watches them leave.
The river ends at a crude dam, but it's not marked on Matt's map. They see someone watching them from a distant bridge, and decide to look for a different route. The mysterious stranger vanishes. Mysteriously.
They get to a marshy area that makes Camp Crystal Lake look like Disney World. As they step onto dry land again, Jack reveals that he brought along a hefty crossbow. Nina doesn't approve, but Matt talks her down from having a hissy fit.
After hiking for a little while in sullen silence, Jack sings a marching drill to amuse the others: I don't know what you've told/Becky's ass is solid gold!/Sound off/1, 2, 3, 4! Anyone want to take bets on whether or not he gets killed first?
They decide to set up camp after about 15 kilometers, and Jack discovers a cave. Everybody else seems happy to explore, except for Rebecca. They continue in without her, and she pouts. They find a beer bottle inside, then Rebecca joins them, because she heard some thunder.
Nina looks for evidence of the tiger around the trees and on the ground, and even collects some samples in a bag. Then she nearly sprains her ankle, discovering a hole in the ground in the process. Nina tries to relax by taking a picture of a cute bunny, but Jack and his weapon kill da wabbit. But-de but-de-but-de, that's all folks!
She and Jack square off, each one accusing the other of ruining the trip. Then we see that the boat has drifted away, leaving the unaware group stranded. Well, I'm sure THAT won't lead to a fight!
Jack skins the rabbit back at the campfire, and Rebecca is disgusted by the sight. Then she spots the samples that Nina collected, and realizes that they're animal feces. Jack struggles as if in great pain, then holds the rabbit carcass in Rebecca's face to make her scream. Dead animals and poop...these folks must be a blast at a yankee swap!
While they all sleep, Nina dreams about her sister. In the dream, she's being hunted through the woods, and men and dogs are chasing her, just like the Pie Man was chased. As they catch up to her at the edge of a cliff, the dream ends...and it turns out to be a dream that an old man was having. Huh? That was some pretty sloppy editing.
The old man gets up to splash some cold water on his face, then notices a mess outside his daughter's room. He calls out her name, Katie, several times, waking up his wife in the process. She begs him to find Katie.
Matt wakes up, and hears something moving near the cave. When he gets up to take a look, he wakes up Nina as well. They see movement in the forest a few feet away, and a flashlight reveals the legendary Tasmanian Tiger, peering out at them. Nina rushes back to the campsite to fetch her camera, and wakes up the other couple.
The tiger has wandered away during the commotion, so they decide to see if they can track it. They get divided in the trees, and Rebecca uses her phone a as a flashlight, my least-favorite of the new cliches in modern horror films. She scans her surroundings, nearly dying of fright when she encounters the nasty little biter from the ferry.
While Rebecca tries to ask the child some basic questions, someone shines a light on them. Rebecca turns to see who it is, and is attacked. She cries out, then goes bye-bye. Damn, I just lost the bet! Did anyone have Rebecca in the betting pool?
Nina is wandering around looking for clues, but doesn't seem close enough to hear Rebecca crying out. Rebecca is soon dead, and her killer removes her tongue with his teeth. The little kid just stands there and watches.
Nina thinks that she found the tiger, but only Matt turns up. They regroup with Jack, and suddenly realize that they're now a trio. Jack calls out to Rebecca, and Matt comments to Nina that they should be close enough to hear her, and vice versa. Uh, y'mean like the way that Nina heard all of the noise Rebecca made while she was being murdered? How did that work out?
Nina tells them about the hidden tunnel she tripped over earlier, then the others realize that she has blood on her legs. Jack begs her to tell him where she was walking, and he goes off in search of his girlfriend. Nina gets hysterical, so Matt leaves her stranded to join Jack. What a thoughtful boyfriend, huh?
Jack gets deep into the woods looking for Rebecca. Nina heads into the cave, where she gets weepy again while looking at the picture of her sister. Matt joins her, claiming to have lost Jack. Wouldn't it be weird if there was a Saw-style plot twist, and Matt was a cannibal? Well, considering that I was wrong about my last hunch, forget I said anything.
Our favorite little ankle-biter shows up, covered in blood. Matt asks the little girl where the blood came from, then Harvey shows up, along with another townie. He sort of offers to help them, and they sort of agree. As they all exit the cave, someone nearby can be seen some human flesh.
Nina asks the townie if he knew her sister. He admits that he did, and that she stayed there for about a year, looking for the mysterious tiger. Then he makes a cryptic comment about a "bitch in heat", and continues toward the village. They reluctantly keep following him.
He leads them deeper into the woods, and Matt demands to know where they are. It turns out that the guy was leading them to the abandoned mine, on the theory that maybe Rebecca and Jack might have wandered in somehow. Then he contradicts his idea, when he has to kick down an iron gate to even get inside. Isn't logic fun, kids? The good news is, I think we must be getting near the end of this thing...
The weird townie triggers a bear trap(which he gleefully calls a "man trap"), then tells them that they'll have to search by themselves. He promises to meet them at the other end, and they decide that they can trust him. However, when they enter the mine, he stays at the entrance, just staring into the dark tunnel.
They make their way slowly down the dark tunnel, avoiding the few traps(1?) they see. The exit at the other end is eventually visible, and there's someone there. Jack? We know it's not the guy who showed them the entrance, because he's seen still standing where they left him. As they chase after the figure, the townie decides that he should follow them.
The townie steps out of the mine, but Nina and Matt are nowhere to be seen. He hears somebody moving toward him, and calls them Rowan. As he begs Rowan not to kill any more innocent victims, someone with a grey beard attacks him. Harvey, maybe? And who the heck is Rowan?
Our main couple decide to return to the tunnel. Then we see Jack, crossbow in hand, as he finds some bloody remains on the ground. How is this dipwad still alive? That just pisses me off, man.
When Matt and Nina arrive back at the mineshaft tunnel, they see blood on the ground near the entrance. Matt sees an object in the blood, which turns out to be a hunk of human flesh. As he drops it in sisgust, Jack gets spooked by a local who calls out to him. He accidentally fires his crossbow, and the bolt passes through the cheek of an old man, impaling him on a tree. Ouch!
The trio of "friends" reunite, and then Jack shows the other two what he did. When Matt and Nina question him, they discover that he found Rebecca's coat, her phone, and a few other things that belonged to her, all covered in blood. Despite his misgivings, they pull the old man off of the tree.
He agrees to lead them out of the woods, and takes them to a cabin(in the woods, YES!) instead. They ask him who lives there, and he says that it belongs to the biter's father. Terrific. Oh, and as if we needed to be reminded that Matt is the worst boyfriend in the galaxy, he tells Nina to remain outside with the weird old guy. Yeah, real sharp thinking there, Matt.
Jack leads the way into the small home, and they find tables and shelves full of human remains. Then they enter a small kitchen area, and spot something boiling on the stove, but it's only wet clothing. Matt waves to Nina to show her that all is well.
Nina hears a noise in the woods, and the old man indicates that she should remain calm and silent. Jack and Matt go behind the house, where they find Rebecca's torso hanging from a tree. As he freaks out, a bear trap grabs him by the throat. Nina hears the yelling and screaming, and the old man urges her to go to them.
She tries to pry the trap off of Jack's neck, but it's way too late to save him. Hip hip hooray! Jack emits one last gurgle, then Matt urges Nina to leave with him. As Matt spies a jeep near the house, he urges Nina to stay by the body. Wow. What's worse, that he keeps putting her in danger, or that she keeps agreeing to do whatever he wants?
Nina sees the old man scurry into the house, so she follows him. While Matt realizes that the jeep is deader than disco, Nina is attacked by the old man, who now has a very large knife at her throat. He gloats that he and the other villagers come from a long line of cannibals and hunters.
A chase begins, and Matt hears the ruckus. He picks up a nearby hatchet, then tries to follow them. As Nina gets to the mineshaft, Matt finds a secret tunnel under the cannibal shack. He yells Nina's name, and she stops and looks back into the dark tunnel. Then she continues her escape.
Matt has only a flimsy lighter, but it shows him that he's found a stash of old bones and other things that the cannibals have dumped. Nina trips and hurts her ankle, but limps away, until she realizes that she's now at the top of that bridge near the dam. Matt sees her when he emerges from the tunnel and shouts her name.
Matt tries to climb up to her, but then one of the older cannibals corners poor Nina. The old man who brought them to the house is on the other side of the bridge. Matt watches as the 2 old men close in on her, and they reveal that they need her alive, to produce more offspring. Nina defies them by jumping off of the bridge.
Matt sees her die, then resumes trying to escape. As he climbs his way up to the bridge, the elder cannibal leans over the railing to look for Nina's body. The woman from the tavern then stabs him, making yet another reference to killing pups. Dead puppies, dead-dead-dead-dead dead puppies, they're no fun at allll....
When Matt finally gets to the bridge, he mistakenly thinks that the woman killed Nina. As he yells at her, she withdraws a knife from her pocket, then slits her own throat. Matt watches her die at his feet.
The police arrive, and Harvey urges Matt to return to the city until the investigation is over. Matt is preoccupied, just staring at Rebecca's pink phone. He hands it to the cops, who throw it into a box with other physical evidence. As Matt gets in his car, he begins to choke on something.
There's a brief glimpse at a drink he was sipping earlier, then someone drags him out of the vehicle. Harvey has taken him to a slaughterhouse, and tied him down. Then Harvey enters another room, where Matt sees that they have Jack tied up as well. Then the little kid sits on Matt's lap, and reveals that his teeth are very, very sharp.
There's some more text about how 250 people have vanished in Tasmania, but no human remains have been found. Then we see the cops again, and the cell phone reveals that a picture of the elusive tiger does actually exist. THE END
Boy, I'm not sure how to rate this one. The kills and the concept were good, but the plotholes and dumb characters kind of ruined it. 3 out of 5,I guess...you can decide whether or not to deduct another point for not killing Jack first.
And what did Dying Breed teach me?
-Well, Australia sucks for tourists.
-Never let your friend Jack go on vacation with you.
-If a tiger wants to play Hide & Seek, LET HIM WIN.
Next up is either Child's Play, or River of Darkness. Or whatever they send me, if those aren't available. Whatever, it's all good.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Don't Let Him In
Well, this movie IS better than WatchUsDie.com, so at least there's that! Faint praise, but at least the bar was set fairly low...Anyway, settle in, crank up your DVD's and let's start watching Don't Let Him In! SPOILERS dead ahead...
Wow, a cast of nobodies. Awesome. There's a red hand(Quick, everybody sing "Red Right Hand"!) holding a syringe, in a room where surgical tools are literally dangling from the ceiling. A woman appears to be just waking up in this chamber of horrors, and she immediately pukes. Fun gal.
She watches as our mystery nutcase saws a hand off of a corpse at the wrist, and the woman tries to stand up. The killer speaks to her, but the words are verrrrrry distorted, probably because whatever he sedated her with is still in effect. She crawls away, and the killer begins a 10-second countdown. She gets outside, where she's surrounded by trees(Tree Movie!!!), and tries to stagger to a safe place before he follows her. He arrives outside, and he's clutching a cleaver in one hand. Then the titles comes up: DON'T LET HIM IN. Ooh, scary!
The next scene begins with a generic-sounding pop ballad, and we meet a young British couple, Paige and Calvin. He's some sort of accountant or banker, based on their quick chat. They're preparing for a little weekend getaway, and just waiting for Cal's sister to call to say that she's ready to go. Small group for a slasher flick: Let's hope they meet some folks along the way!
Anyway, Calvin calls his sister, Mandy, who looks hung over. He tells her to get her ass in gear, and she lies, telling him that she's ready to go. Next to her, a guy with a bad squint also wakes up. Yay, 2 more potential victims! Calvin hangs up the phone and cuts his finger at the kitchen sink, revealing that Paige is a nurse. Both of them seem to think that Mandy is a major flake.
Mandy gets off the phone, then prepares her latest boyfriend a fresh cup of coffee. She fumbles her way through an invitation to bring him along for the retreat in the countryside, but he seems reluctant. A quick text message telling him to make himself scarce, however, changes his mind in an instant, much to Mandy's delight.
When Calvin and Paige pull up to the curb, Mandy gives them the "good news". It turns out that the "boyfriend" is actually just some dude she met the previous night named Tristan. Calvin hesitantly allows her to drag him along, and they both pile into the car. As Calvin and Paige try to introduce themselves to Tristan, he rudely keeps checking his text messages. Sheesh, they're going to have a loooong weekend.
The trip to the country is to a secluded village, where Calvin and Mandy were raised. Along the way, they spot a bearded hitchhiker, but Tristan abruptly announces that he won't travel in the same vehicle as the stranger, so they keep driving. He's an ass; I hope he dies early on.
Mandy complains that she needs to pee, so they pull over. While she darts into the woods, Calvin asks Tristan what he does for a living. Tristan says that he's in the stock market, then he gets interrupted by a phone call. While he barks orders at the person on the other end, Paige and Calvin agree that he lacks people skills, and that Mandy will soon grow tired of his attitude.
Speaking of Mandy, she hears something approaching her spot while she's urinating. A cute brunette appears suddenly, then Tristan also pops up from out of nowhere. So much for privacy. The new girl is a wanderer with the unlikely name of Emer. She goes back with them to their car, and they all learn that she's been living in the forest for a year. Emer, the woodland nymph. Sure.
They ask her how the locals are, and Emer admits that she doesn't see the townsfolk very often. She also claims that there's been a negative presence in the forest, which makes the cynical Tristan laugh. She offers to read his palm, then has a bad reaction to what she sees. She abruptly advises them all to return to the city, and she marches back into the woods without another word.
At the cottage, The women realize that they forgot to pack some things, and Tristan offers to hike up the road to a store they passed on the way. Mandy offers to accompany him, but he asks her not to "crowd" him. Wow, this romantic getaway sure has cooled off in a hurry, huh?
While they unpack the kitchen, Paige and Calvin insult Mandy's taste in men and refer to her as a slut. She's standing in the doorway, listening to the whole thing. As Calvin lamely tries to explain that he was just kidding, Mandy runs out of the room. Right on cue, a police officer arrives on a bicycle. A bicycle.
He introduces himself as Sergeant Utley, the local law enforcement. Who rides a Huffy 10-Speed. Hell, I'm surprised by the lack of a pink basket, or training wheels! He's obviously a bad-ass.
After the lighthearted introductions and banter about fishing prowess, Utley turns serious. It seems that there have been a string of killings in the area lately, and the press has dubbed the murderer The Tree Surgeon. Why? Well, he apparently likes to dissect his victims, then hang the remains in the trees. Nice.
Then Utley describes the most recent crime scene: A teacher was having her art students drawing nature scenery in the woods, and one lonely girl was illustrating a gory crime scene, complete with a severed torso and entrails. The teacher was about to reprimand the girl, but then realized that she had stumbled right into The Tree Surgeon's latest display.
Mandy gets back as Utley finishes the tale, and he leaves the trio to argue over whether or not they should head home. Against Mandy's wishes, they decide to stay for the weekend. Good thing, otherwise there wouldn't be a movie to watch.
Night falls, and we see Emer humming as she lazily strolls past the trees. A log rolls toward her, and she stops to look around, clearly hearing the sound of heavy breathing. Emer continues on her way, hears a loud growl, and removes a knife from her pants. As she makes a hasty retreat she trips, and the growling seems to be coming from every direction. A hand raises a blade in the air, and it's bye-bye, Emer.
Calvin's now chopping up some firewood. He hears Emer's scream, then nervously returns to the small house, where Mandy begs him to go out and search for Tristan. He kids her that Tristan's probably already dead, and she forces him to go searching with her, leaving Paige alone in the secluded cabin.
While they walk, Mandy yells out Tristan's name, and Calvin jokes that The Tree Surgeon will hear her. That Cal, he's quite the kidder! (He sort of has a good point, though I hate to admit it.) As if to prove his point, they both see a bloody hand print on a nearby tree. Mandy urges Cal to keep moving.
A fog bank rolls in, and they creep ahead. Tristan then jumps out from behind a tree, and calls them "pussies" when they get scared. He holds up the grocery bag, then just grins like an idiot. Calvin moves toward the tree for a closer look at the hand print, and confirms that it is actually blood on the tree.
Back at the house, Paige builds up the fire, completely unaware of a presence lurking just outside the nearest window. A series of low thumps cause her to go have a look. I'm going to just assume that this is the last we see of Paige.
Mandy whines that the men are moving too fast, and insists that they wait for her to catch up with them. Then Paige calls, and begs them to hurry back, because someone is trying to break into the house. They pick up the pace.
Paige hears more frantic noises at the front door, and finds an ax to wield. Lucky for her, this time it's her friends. She lets them in, and shows them another bloody hand print on the front window of the house. Then the owner of the bloody hand stumbles into the house, where he collapses onto the living room floor.
He's the guy they drove by earlier. He has a nasty open wound on his left abdomen, and Paige lets her instincts as a nurse kick in. His wallet informs them that his name is Sean, and Paige has Mandy fetch her some boiling water, a first aid kit, some sewing needles, and a reel of fishing line to use as thread.
The only person who refuses to help Sean is Tristan, who simply eases back on some furniture to watch the scene play out. Sean indicates that he wants a nearby bottle of liquor, and takes a good, long swig from it. Then Calvin offers his belt to bite down on, and the procedure begins.
Sean struggles and moans, but they hold him still long enough for Paige to sew the gaping hole shut. Pretty painful, if his scream is any indication. Eventually, they all find a way to fall asleep.
Paige and Calvin discuss the possibility of getting him to a hospital, but Paige isn't convinced that his condition is stable enough to make such a journey yet. Then we see Esme trapped in the killer's weird cave, and she appears to be dead. Then she loudly gasps for air.
The next morning looks downcast, and Mandy is in a mood to bitch and moan about how rotten the weekend has become. Tristan agrees, but attempts to make her calm again. He then ruins the moment by answering another mysterious business call. While they're having so much fun, let go see how Sean is doing.
Well, he's awake. Paige is sitting with him, and they have a talk about his injuries. She tells him to move slowly at first, and come downstairs for breakfast when he feels up to it. Then Tristan rudely tells her that she should be charging Sean some type of rent.
At the breakfast table, Sean enters wearing Tristan's bathrobe. They make general introductions, with both Mandy and Tristan grumbling about Sean living in THEIR bedroom. Oh, just grow up, you two.
Calvin gets right to the point, asking Sean how he received his injuries. He tells them that, while he was hiking, a mysterious attacker stabbed him, leading into a scuffle. Sean got away, but the altercation made his pain worse, so he found the house as a last resort for assistance. Heck, maybe he survived a meeting with The Tree Surgeon!
He doesn't want to report the incident to the police, because he avoids the locals. Tristan interrogates him about his personal background, and Sean admits that he quit a lucrative insurance job. While mocking him, Tristan confesses that his recently-deceased parents left him a large fortune.
Calvin invites Sean to fish with him while he rests up, but Paige manages to rope him into taking Tristan instead. Neither of them seem pleased with that prospect. Isn't this a fun weekend trip?
The guys end up at a body of water that looks like someone had a fit of diarrhea. They should name this scene "2 guys, 1 pole", if you know what I mean. If they catch anything, they better not eat it.
Mandy sits next to Sean on the couch, boring her with pics from her camera. Paige finally rescues the poor guy, asking him if he'd like to take a leisurely stroll outside. He happily agrees, leaving behind a very angry Mandy. Oh well.
Sean asks Paige how she met Calvin, and it's not a fun tale. He had been choking in a restaurant, and she leaped forward to perform an emergency tracheotomy. Love at first stab.
Sean removes a photo of his wife from his wallet, and shows it to Paige. He tells her that his wife's name is Cathy, and that she and their kids are waiting for him to return home. Awwww, how sweet! Wait...so why would he be wandering around in the woods, if he was supposed to be heading home? Strange...
Calvin gives Tristan pointers on how to fish, and Tristan looks like he'd rather be having a root canal. As they fish, Tristan tells Calvin that his parents recently died in a house fire. Then his stupid phone rings again. He hands his fishing pole to Calvin, then just starts wandering away to take his call.
The caller needs a password from Tristan, something about covering up his tracks. The fire was no accident, and the voice on the phone is someone trying to help Tristan stay out of prison for committing arson. Sadly, the phone goes dead before he can give the needed password.
He goes back to Calvin, and requests the use of his phone to send the text. Before he can complete the message, the phone rings. It's Paige, telling them that Sean has offered to make them dinner that night.
Calvin finishes the call, then sees the unsent text message. He asks Tristan about it, then Tristan moves away to go find a place to pee. When Calvin tries to call Paige with a warning, Tristan strangles him with some fishing line. Then he bashes Calvin over the head and shoves a pile of rice down his throat. Before he dies, Calvin coughs up a wad of rice onto Tristan's face, so he bashes poor Calvin's head with a rock.
Night falls, and still no sign of Calvin and Tristan. As Paige makes up her mind to go find them, Tristan stomps into the house. He lies to her, saying that Calvin stayed behind to continue fishing, and that he caught several large fish already. Paige secretly confides to Sean that she's worried that Tristan is lying. To set her mind at ease, Sean agrees to go do a quick search for Calvin. "Hey, Calvin! Here, boy!" *whistles*
Anyhoo...Armed with only a flashlight, Sean calls out Calvin's name while he wanders around in the dark. He hears Calvin's phone ringing, finds it, and answers it. It's Paige. As he explains that he found the phone but no sign of Calvin, he runs into quite a sight: Calvin's body, with his mouth crammed full of maggots. Sean rushes back to the house.
While Paige and Mandy fret over what Sean might have discovered, Tristan tries to sow seeds of doubt in their minds, implying that perhaps Sean might have harmed Calvin while he was outside. However, when he states that they don't even know who Sean is, Paige points out that the same could be said of him. Ha! Take THAT, killer!
Sean bursts in, and just tells them that he found Calvin dead. As Tristan tries to sound defensive, Sean suggests that Paige should call the cops. She gets through, but then the call gets disconnected. She tries to call them back, but the call won't go through.
Mandy goes into a sort of rambling shock, and Tristan attacks Sean. As Tristan starts to rant and rave about dead bodies and maggots crawling out of Calvin's eyes, Sean quietly responds that the maggots were actually in Calvin's mouth. Then Tristan starts to sway and moan, and the others watch as a maggot crawls out of his eyelid, then drops into his drink. Whoops.
Paige instinctively snatches up the ax, and strikes the wall, because Tristan manages to dodge out of her way. He knocks her to the ground and gets the ax, but Mandy stabs him in the leg with her trusty knife. On his way to the floor, he lands on Sean, who gets the ax right in his back. This movie suddenly took a left turn into Apeshitville!
Paige maces Tristan in the eyes as he attempts to stand up, and she pushes him out the door. She swiftly locks the door behind her, and then checks to see if Sean is still alive. Then Paige gets a kitchen knife, gives it to a sobbing Mandy, and tells her not to let Tristan in.
She pauses for a minute to mourn her boyfriend, then goes upstairs. While she's gone, Tristan urges Mandy to open the door. He tells her that Sean is the real threat, and then he swears not to harm her. Being a complete dumbass, Mandy believes him and opens the front door.
Shock of all shocks, Tristan murders Mandy, stabbing her sloooooowly after a big hug. He then drops her body onto the couch, and goes after Paige. She ambushes him, then stabs him in the shoulder. After a brief fight, she thinks that she knocked him out, but he gets up again. He raises the ax to kill her, but then Sean jumps on his back, and manages to slit his throat.
With Tristan now dead, Sean crumples to the floor again. Paige offers to call his wife, and finds his wallet. A closer look at his wife, "Cathy", reveals that the pictures were folded in half. The husband in them isn't Sean at all...
Oh crap. Paige drops the pictures, as well as the driver's license of the man that "Sean" murdered, and he rises up behind her. As they stare at each other, The Tree Surgeon begins to laugh...
He knocks her out, and she comes to her senses in that cave we saw in the first scene. He drugs her, she eventually gets free, blah blah blah we saw this part already. He tells her that lives beneath a hollowed-out tree that he worships, and kills his victims as a sacrifice to the tree. Killer tree!
Then he cuts her loose, gives her that ten-count again, and she tries to stagger away to safety. He drugged her with something called ketamine, and she's pretty groggy. He emerges from his lair as she limps away, and she starts to get her energy back.
He casually strolls after her, and Paige soons emerges from the woods, into what looks like a lumber mill. It's deserted, though, and her cries for assistance go unanswered. She finds a pitchfork to use as a weapon, then hides behind some bales of hay. Paige hears someone moving in her direction and thrusts her weapon at them--only to realize that she just murdered Utley, the bike cop.
She sees The Tree Surgeon coming, and yanks the pitchfork out of the sarge, and he keels over. As the killer corners her, Paige knocks him down, then tries to finish him off with a quick stab. Nope, he still lives.
The Tree Surgeon lifts her off of her feet, then impales Paige on a large spike. She drags him with her, and they both get to be spiked to death. But before they both die, Paige laughs in his face. THE END
Yeah, low budget and a little slow, but still miles better as a movie than last week's entry. The gore was also surprisingly decent, and that weird thing with the maggot was effective. And we got 2 killers, for the price of 1! A decent effort, at the very least....And an actual killer tree subplot! 3 killer trees out of 5 for Don't Let Him In.
And what did this one teach me?
-New lovers should never be trusted.
-The English countryside is a deathtrap, filled with women named Emer.
-If your local lawman rides a bicycle, you need to live in a bigger town!
Next up on my list: the recent remake of Evil Dead!!! Sweet!
Wow, a cast of nobodies. Awesome. There's a red hand(Quick, everybody sing "Red Right Hand"!) holding a syringe, in a room where surgical tools are literally dangling from the ceiling. A woman appears to be just waking up in this chamber of horrors, and she immediately pukes. Fun gal.
She watches as our mystery nutcase saws a hand off of a corpse at the wrist, and the woman tries to stand up. The killer speaks to her, but the words are verrrrrry distorted, probably because whatever he sedated her with is still in effect. She crawls away, and the killer begins a 10-second countdown. She gets outside, where she's surrounded by trees(Tree Movie!!!), and tries to stagger to a safe place before he follows her. He arrives outside, and he's clutching a cleaver in one hand. Then the titles comes up: DON'T LET HIM IN. Ooh, scary!
The next scene begins with a generic-sounding pop ballad, and we meet a young British couple, Paige and Calvin. He's some sort of accountant or banker, based on their quick chat. They're preparing for a little weekend getaway, and just waiting for Cal's sister to call to say that she's ready to go. Small group for a slasher flick: Let's hope they meet some folks along the way!
Anyway, Calvin calls his sister, Mandy, who looks hung over. He tells her to get her ass in gear, and she lies, telling him that she's ready to go. Next to her, a guy with a bad squint also wakes up. Yay, 2 more potential victims! Calvin hangs up the phone and cuts his finger at the kitchen sink, revealing that Paige is a nurse. Both of them seem to think that Mandy is a major flake.
Mandy gets off the phone, then prepares her latest boyfriend a fresh cup of coffee. She fumbles her way through an invitation to bring him along for the retreat in the countryside, but he seems reluctant. A quick text message telling him to make himself scarce, however, changes his mind in an instant, much to Mandy's delight.
When Calvin and Paige pull up to the curb, Mandy gives them the "good news". It turns out that the "boyfriend" is actually just some dude she met the previous night named Tristan. Calvin hesitantly allows her to drag him along, and they both pile into the car. As Calvin and Paige try to introduce themselves to Tristan, he rudely keeps checking his text messages. Sheesh, they're going to have a loooong weekend.
The trip to the country is to a secluded village, where Calvin and Mandy were raised. Along the way, they spot a bearded hitchhiker, but Tristan abruptly announces that he won't travel in the same vehicle as the stranger, so they keep driving. He's an ass; I hope he dies early on.
Mandy complains that she needs to pee, so they pull over. While she darts into the woods, Calvin asks Tristan what he does for a living. Tristan says that he's in the stock market, then he gets interrupted by a phone call. While he barks orders at the person on the other end, Paige and Calvin agree that he lacks people skills, and that Mandy will soon grow tired of his attitude.
Speaking of Mandy, she hears something approaching her spot while she's urinating. A cute brunette appears suddenly, then Tristan also pops up from out of nowhere. So much for privacy. The new girl is a wanderer with the unlikely name of Emer. She goes back with them to their car, and they all learn that she's been living in the forest for a year. Emer, the woodland nymph. Sure.
They ask her how the locals are, and Emer admits that she doesn't see the townsfolk very often. She also claims that there's been a negative presence in the forest, which makes the cynical Tristan laugh. She offers to read his palm, then has a bad reaction to what she sees. She abruptly advises them all to return to the city, and she marches back into the woods without another word.
At the cottage, The women realize that they forgot to pack some things, and Tristan offers to hike up the road to a store they passed on the way. Mandy offers to accompany him, but he asks her not to "crowd" him. Wow, this romantic getaway sure has cooled off in a hurry, huh?
While they unpack the kitchen, Paige and Calvin insult Mandy's taste in men and refer to her as a slut. She's standing in the doorway, listening to the whole thing. As Calvin lamely tries to explain that he was just kidding, Mandy runs out of the room. Right on cue, a police officer arrives on a bicycle. A bicycle.
He introduces himself as Sergeant Utley, the local law enforcement. Who rides a Huffy 10-Speed. Hell, I'm surprised by the lack of a pink basket, or training wheels! He's obviously a bad-ass.
After the lighthearted introductions and banter about fishing prowess, Utley turns serious. It seems that there have been a string of killings in the area lately, and the press has dubbed the murderer The Tree Surgeon. Why? Well, he apparently likes to dissect his victims, then hang the remains in the trees. Nice.
Then Utley describes the most recent crime scene: A teacher was having her art students drawing nature scenery in the woods, and one lonely girl was illustrating a gory crime scene, complete with a severed torso and entrails. The teacher was about to reprimand the girl, but then realized that she had stumbled right into The Tree Surgeon's latest display.
Mandy gets back as Utley finishes the tale, and he leaves the trio to argue over whether or not they should head home. Against Mandy's wishes, they decide to stay for the weekend. Good thing, otherwise there wouldn't be a movie to watch.
Night falls, and we see Emer humming as she lazily strolls past the trees. A log rolls toward her, and she stops to look around, clearly hearing the sound of heavy breathing. Emer continues on her way, hears a loud growl, and removes a knife from her pants. As she makes a hasty retreat she trips, and the growling seems to be coming from every direction. A hand raises a blade in the air, and it's bye-bye, Emer.
Calvin's now chopping up some firewood. He hears Emer's scream, then nervously returns to the small house, where Mandy begs him to go out and search for Tristan. He kids her that Tristan's probably already dead, and she forces him to go searching with her, leaving Paige alone in the secluded cabin.
While they walk, Mandy yells out Tristan's name, and Calvin jokes that The Tree Surgeon will hear her. That Cal, he's quite the kidder! (He sort of has a good point, though I hate to admit it.) As if to prove his point, they both see a bloody hand print on a nearby tree. Mandy urges Cal to keep moving.
A fog bank rolls in, and they creep ahead. Tristan then jumps out from behind a tree, and calls them "pussies" when they get scared. He holds up the grocery bag, then just grins like an idiot. Calvin moves toward the tree for a closer look at the hand print, and confirms that it is actually blood on the tree.
Back at the house, Paige builds up the fire, completely unaware of a presence lurking just outside the nearest window. A series of low thumps cause her to go have a look. I'm going to just assume that this is the last we see of Paige.
Mandy whines that the men are moving too fast, and insists that they wait for her to catch up with them. Then Paige calls, and begs them to hurry back, because someone is trying to break into the house. They pick up the pace.
Paige hears more frantic noises at the front door, and finds an ax to wield. Lucky for her, this time it's her friends. She lets them in, and shows them another bloody hand print on the front window of the house. Then the owner of the bloody hand stumbles into the house, where he collapses onto the living room floor.
He's the guy they drove by earlier. He has a nasty open wound on his left abdomen, and Paige lets her instincts as a nurse kick in. His wallet informs them that his name is Sean, and Paige has Mandy fetch her some boiling water, a first aid kit, some sewing needles, and a reel of fishing line to use as thread.
The only person who refuses to help Sean is Tristan, who simply eases back on some furniture to watch the scene play out. Sean indicates that he wants a nearby bottle of liquor, and takes a good, long swig from it. Then Calvin offers his belt to bite down on, and the procedure begins.
Sean struggles and moans, but they hold him still long enough for Paige to sew the gaping hole shut. Pretty painful, if his scream is any indication. Eventually, they all find a way to fall asleep.
Paige and Calvin discuss the possibility of getting him to a hospital, but Paige isn't convinced that his condition is stable enough to make such a journey yet. Then we see Esme trapped in the killer's weird cave, and she appears to be dead. Then she loudly gasps for air.
The next morning looks downcast, and Mandy is in a mood to bitch and moan about how rotten the weekend has become. Tristan agrees, but attempts to make her calm again. He then ruins the moment by answering another mysterious business call. While they're having so much fun, let go see how Sean is doing.
Well, he's awake. Paige is sitting with him, and they have a talk about his injuries. She tells him to move slowly at first, and come downstairs for breakfast when he feels up to it. Then Tristan rudely tells her that she should be charging Sean some type of rent.
At the breakfast table, Sean enters wearing Tristan's bathrobe. They make general introductions, with both Mandy and Tristan grumbling about Sean living in THEIR bedroom. Oh, just grow up, you two.
Calvin gets right to the point, asking Sean how he received his injuries. He tells them that, while he was hiking, a mysterious attacker stabbed him, leading into a scuffle. Sean got away, but the altercation made his pain worse, so he found the house as a last resort for assistance. Heck, maybe he survived a meeting with The Tree Surgeon!
He doesn't want to report the incident to the police, because he avoids the locals. Tristan interrogates him about his personal background, and Sean admits that he quit a lucrative insurance job. While mocking him, Tristan confesses that his recently-deceased parents left him a large fortune.
Calvin invites Sean to fish with him while he rests up, but Paige manages to rope him into taking Tristan instead. Neither of them seem pleased with that prospect. Isn't this a fun weekend trip?
The guys end up at a body of water that looks like someone had a fit of diarrhea. They should name this scene "2 guys, 1 pole", if you know what I mean. If they catch anything, they better not eat it.
Mandy sits next to Sean on the couch, boring her with pics from her camera. Paige finally rescues the poor guy, asking him if he'd like to take a leisurely stroll outside. He happily agrees, leaving behind a very angry Mandy. Oh well.
Sean asks Paige how she met Calvin, and it's not a fun tale. He had been choking in a restaurant, and she leaped forward to perform an emergency tracheotomy. Love at first stab.
Sean removes a photo of his wife from his wallet, and shows it to Paige. He tells her that his wife's name is Cathy, and that she and their kids are waiting for him to return home. Awwww, how sweet! Wait...so why would he be wandering around in the woods, if he was supposed to be heading home? Strange...
Calvin gives Tristan pointers on how to fish, and Tristan looks like he'd rather be having a root canal. As they fish, Tristan tells Calvin that his parents recently died in a house fire. Then his stupid phone rings again. He hands his fishing pole to Calvin, then just starts wandering away to take his call.
The caller needs a password from Tristan, something about covering up his tracks. The fire was no accident, and the voice on the phone is someone trying to help Tristan stay out of prison for committing arson. Sadly, the phone goes dead before he can give the needed password.
He goes back to Calvin, and requests the use of his phone to send the text. Before he can complete the message, the phone rings. It's Paige, telling them that Sean has offered to make them dinner that night.
Calvin finishes the call, then sees the unsent text message. He asks Tristan about it, then Tristan moves away to go find a place to pee. When Calvin tries to call Paige with a warning, Tristan strangles him with some fishing line. Then he bashes Calvin over the head and shoves a pile of rice down his throat. Before he dies, Calvin coughs up a wad of rice onto Tristan's face, so he bashes poor Calvin's head with a rock.
Night falls, and still no sign of Calvin and Tristan. As Paige makes up her mind to go find them, Tristan stomps into the house. He lies to her, saying that Calvin stayed behind to continue fishing, and that he caught several large fish already. Paige secretly confides to Sean that she's worried that Tristan is lying. To set her mind at ease, Sean agrees to go do a quick search for Calvin. "Hey, Calvin! Here, boy!" *whistles*
Anyhoo...Armed with only a flashlight, Sean calls out Calvin's name while he wanders around in the dark. He hears Calvin's phone ringing, finds it, and answers it. It's Paige. As he explains that he found the phone but no sign of Calvin, he runs into quite a sight: Calvin's body, with his mouth crammed full of maggots. Sean rushes back to the house.
While Paige and Mandy fret over what Sean might have discovered, Tristan tries to sow seeds of doubt in their minds, implying that perhaps Sean might have harmed Calvin while he was outside. However, when he states that they don't even know who Sean is, Paige points out that the same could be said of him. Ha! Take THAT, killer!
Sean bursts in, and just tells them that he found Calvin dead. As Tristan tries to sound defensive, Sean suggests that Paige should call the cops. She gets through, but then the call gets disconnected. She tries to call them back, but the call won't go through.
Mandy goes into a sort of rambling shock, and Tristan attacks Sean. As Tristan starts to rant and rave about dead bodies and maggots crawling out of Calvin's eyes, Sean quietly responds that the maggots were actually in Calvin's mouth. Then Tristan starts to sway and moan, and the others watch as a maggot crawls out of his eyelid, then drops into his drink. Whoops.
Paige instinctively snatches up the ax, and strikes the wall, because Tristan manages to dodge out of her way. He knocks her to the ground and gets the ax, but Mandy stabs him in the leg with her trusty knife. On his way to the floor, he lands on Sean, who gets the ax right in his back. This movie suddenly took a left turn into Apeshitville!
Paige maces Tristan in the eyes as he attempts to stand up, and she pushes him out the door. She swiftly locks the door behind her, and then checks to see if Sean is still alive. Then Paige gets a kitchen knife, gives it to a sobbing Mandy, and tells her not to let Tristan in.
She pauses for a minute to mourn her boyfriend, then goes upstairs. While she's gone, Tristan urges Mandy to open the door. He tells her that Sean is the real threat, and then he swears not to harm her. Being a complete dumbass, Mandy believes him and opens the front door.
Shock of all shocks, Tristan murders Mandy, stabbing her sloooooowly after a big hug. He then drops her body onto the couch, and goes after Paige. She ambushes him, then stabs him in the shoulder. After a brief fight, she thinks that she knocked him out, but he gets up again. He raises the ax to kill her, but then Sean jumps on his back, and manages to slit his throat.
With Tristan now dead, Sean crumples to the floor again. Paige offers to call his wife, and finds his wallet. A closer look at his wife, "Cathy", reveals that the pictures were folded in half. The husband in them isn't Sean at all...
Oh crap. Paige drops the pictures, as well as the driver's license of the man that "Sean" murdered, and he rises up behind her. As they stare at each other, The Tree Surgeon begins to laugh...
He knocks her out, and she comes to her senses in that cave we saw in the first scene. He drugs her, she eventually gets free, blah blah blah we saw this part already. He tells her that lives beneath a hollowed-out tree that he worships, and kills his victims as a sacrifice to the tree. Killer tree!
Then he cuts her loose, gives her that ten-count again, and she tries to stagger away to safety. He drugged her with something called ketamine, and she's pretty groggy. He emerges from his lair as she limps away, and she starts to get her energy back.
He casually strolls after her, and Paige soons emerges from the woods, into what looks like a lumber mill. It's deserted, though, and her cries for assistance go unanswered. She finds a pitchfork to use as a weapon, then hides behind some bales of hay. Paige hears someone moving in her direction and thrusts her weapon at them--only to realize that she just murdered Utley, the bike cop.
She sees The Tree Surgeon coming, and yanks the pitchfork out of the sarge, and he keels over. As the killer corners her, Paige knocks him down, then tries to finish him off with a quick stab. Nope, he still lives.
The Tree Surgeon lifts her off of her feet, then impales Paige on a large spike. She drags him with her, and they both get to be spiked to death. But before they both die, Paige laughs in his face. THE END
Yeah, low budget and a little slow, but still miles better as a movie than last week's entry. The gore was also surprisingly decent, and that weird thing with the maggot was effective. And we got 2 killers, for the price of 1! A decent effort, at the very least....And an actual killer tree subplot! 3 killer trees out of 5 for Don't Let Him In.
And what did this one teach me?
-New lovers should never be trusted.
-The English countryside is a deathtrap, filled with women named Emer.
-If your local lawman rides a bicycle, you need to live in a bigger town!
Next up on my list: the recent remake of Evil Dead!!! Sweet!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Texas Chainsaw 2-D
Now this is probably going to be a lot less impressive than Tormented was last week...in other words, we're back in business with the badness. This one is Texas Chainsaw 2-D(no massacre in the title, and no third dimension to "enjoy"...), so I'm not expecting greatness here, considering that the last one of these I loved was the wacky, bloody Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2...the one with Stretch and Chop-Top, as opposed to the sequel to the remake with Jordana Brewster. That one was just depressing. Which one had the Speak'n'Spell, where he just kept spelling pronouns as "food"? Part 3? That scene alone made it watchable.
Anyway, enough with my distracted rambling...this movie ain't watching itself! SPOILERS ahead...and probably many, many severed body parts. I hope.
Okay, so this is rather promising: the story opens with a brief recap of the 1974 version. It's like a highlight reel of that movie's kills...There's Kirk getting conked on the head; the scantily-clad girl, Pam, getting snatched up and impaled on the big hook; nerdy Jerry's hammer to the head; Franklin, the one in the wheelchair, being killed head-on by Leatherface; and Sally's torture and eventual escape. Great way to start the film!
Then it flows into the new storyline: Sheriff Hooper(heh, nice reference there) is speeding down a dusty dirt road to arrest Leatherface AKA Jed Sawyer for the murders. Moments before he arrived, another car pulled in, and a young couple rushed into the house. The wife is pregnant. Hooper orders Leatherface's father, Drayton, to send his son outside.
In the house, there are numerous family members, and most are armed with shotguns. Oh, and there are a couple of nice cameos from familiar faces in the previous movies: Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, and Bill Moseley, who played Chop-Top. Pretty cool, at least so far. I hope I didn't just jinx myself!
Anyway, the psychotic rednecks get into a shouting match with Sheriff Hooper, and he threatens to call for reinforcements. Drayton agrees to end things peacefully, and marches into the basement to confront Jed, who is in his classic suit-and-tie outfit. Oh, and he's mutilating a body. Must be nice to have hobbies...
Sheriff Hooper waits for Jed to emerge from the house, then the shit hits the fan. A group of disgruntled townsfolk, led by a guy named Vern drive up, and demand that the lawman allow them to storm the house. One of them hurls a Molotov cocktail through one of the windows of the house, and a crazy gun battle evolves from the situation.
Several of the family members get riddled with bullets, and another explosive bottle is thrown, quickly turning the house into an inferno. The sheriff has men demolish it to keep the fire from spreading, then has them walk through the rubble looking for bodies. One of the searchers finds a charred chainsaw in the wreckage.
Another person, Gavin, searches the woods nearby for evidence, and encounters the pregnant woman, who has since had her baby. She's also dying from a stray bullet wound, and asks Gavin for assistance. He gently picks up her baby, then kicks the wounded woman hard enough to send her head roughly into the frame of the car she was leaning against, killing her. Wow, I hope he's not the redneck version of a paramedic!
Gavin carries the baby away from the crime scene, taking great pains not to be seen. When he arrives at his truck, he hands the infant to hos wife, claiming that he "found" her a baby. Apparently she was having trouble getting pregnant herself, so this is like Christmas for her. Yay. Then we get a montage of crime scene pictures, followed by the title credits.
The movie resumes the story roughly 20 years later, where we meet Heather, the baby that the young couple took all those years ago. She's now working at a grocery store, in the butcher shop of the meat department. Her best friend visits her at work...oh, and her best friend, Nikki, also happens to be the same actress who played Alex Rousseau on the show Lost. And, wow, she is smokin'!
Anyway, Nikki thanks Heather for having her boyfriend Ryan set her up with his friend Kenny. I'm going to make a wild prediction here, that by the time this film ends, I'll be making a "They killed Kenny!" joke. Let's see if I'm right.
Heather goes home to Ryan, who reminds me of another actor I've seen in a slasher film before, either Bumper Robinson or Texas Battle maybe. Ryan's boxing, and Heather interrupts his workout for some quick face-sucking. A knock at the door cuts the intimacy short: Heather gets a letter from Texas, explaining that her grandmother recently died. One problem: As far as she knew, both of her grandmothers were already dead. Whoops!
Heather brings the letter to her "parents", and demands some answers. The answers are short and not-so-sweet: your real parents were trash, your entire bloodline was psychotic, and you should thank us for kidnapping you. Heather takes what few possessions she has, and announces her intention to travel to Texas, and find out who she's supposed to be. To her credit, Arlene comes outside to try to convince Heather not to go. Perhaps she's not as bad as the pregant woman-kicking husband she married.
Heather and her buddies take off, and make a stop at a gas station for snacks, fuel, and directions to Newt, Texas. As they pull out of the parking lot, they hit a guy with their van, and end up offering him a ride. Good thing, too...it's raining hard enough to start building a massive ark.
The stranger is named Darryl, and he quickly charms them all. Heather explains to him that they're going to Texas to hear her grandmother's will, and he makes a comment about the bond of family blood. Why are the hitchhikers in this franchise always so bizarre and creepy?
In Newt, Nikki starts to strip down, and the others look for the house the old woman lived in. It's a mansion, and the family lawyer, Farnsworth is there to greet the weary travelers. He hands Heather a hefty ring of keys, and a letter that Granny Verna wrote to her. He urges her to read the letter soon, as it explains a lot of things to her. Then he leaves, just as quickly as he had arrived.
The estate grounds are beautiful, as is the interior of the house. They wander from room to room, and soon discover a game room with a pool table and liquor. While everyone else congregates in there, Heather walks around the outside of the house, and finds a private cemetery. It's divided into 2 sections, Sawyers and Carsons.
When she returns to the house, it's decided that some groceries are needed. Everyone goes into town except for Darryl, who opts to stay behind to clean the place up a bit. He watches them drive away, then drops the whole "nice guy" act.
He starts by stealing silverware, while the others arrive back in town. They walk into a store, where Nikki sexually harasses Ryan in a jokey fashion. He takes offense, because something happened once between them, one night when he was drunk. I'm guessing it's something that Heather knows nothing about?
Darryl grabs more valuables in the kitchen, before finding the secret door in the kitchen. He pokes his head in, and decides that it's worth a look. He then gets to the area where Leatherface is kept locked up, and uses the massive key to open the door. He breaks the lock on Leatherface's bedroom door, and Leatherface jumps out of the darkness, bashing him many times in the head.
Heather meets a young cop named Carl Hartman, and then his dad, Burt Hartman. Burt's the mayor, and he makes an offer to buy the mansion and the land. Heather refuses, and Burt doesn't react very well.
Back at the mansion, they discover that Darryl ransacked the place. Heather finds a photo showing that all of the Sawyer woman wear a necklace with a pendant in the shape of an 'S' on it. Then Kenny finds the secret passage, and decides to take a look. Kenny's a genius.
In his defense, Kenny does shout over to the others that he thinks he discovered a butler pantry, but no one hears him. The closest person is Ryan, and he's making a ruckus playing pool and cranking music. But at least Kenny tried.
He finds some blood, as well as Darryl's stuff, but no Darryl. Like a lunkhead in a slasher movie?(...), Kenny decides to make it easier for Leatherface to find him, by shouting Darryl's name several times in a row. Then he comes to a hallway that is too dark to explore, and Leatherface rushes at him from the darkness. Kenny manages to haul ass back to the stairs, but Leatherface grabs his legs and drags him back to his lair. "Oh my God, he's killing Kenny! You bastards!"
Ah, that felt good to get out of my system.
Oops...were we still watching a movie? Oh well. After the demise of Kenny, Nikki stumbles in on Ryan, who is now playing pool alone. She begs him to come see something, and pulls him outside. Did she discover a body?
Yeah, but only her own. It turns out that she just wants to have sex with Ryan in a barn. She strips down to her sexy undies and, uh...ummm...sorry, just rewinding and watching this scene. For, uh, a scientific study. Yeah, let's go with that.
Heather picks up a perfume bottle, revealing that she has the hands of an eighty-year-old man. Yikes. As she's ransacking Verna's closet, she finds Verna's corpse behind her, propped up in a chair. Scared, she runs away to find Ryan.
No sign of her friends, but she does run into Leatherface, who is busily bleeding a severed hand into the kitchen sink. Heather tries to escape, but he knocks her out. Then a series of gory images flash onto the screen.
Heather wakes up just in time to see Leatherface impale the not-quite-dead Kenny on a meathook. She manages to get to her feet, and escapes the house. Leatherface follows, but has a fairly pronounced limp slowing him down. Heather stumbles, but manages to hide behind a tombstone before he sees her. She then spots Verna's open coffin, and leaps in.
She makes a noise, and Leatherface begins to saw through the lid of the coffin. Before he can kill her, Leatherface is distracted by the arrival of Ryan and Nikki. He abandons Heather, and chases them back to the barn instead. Rut roh!
As Leatherface closes in on the barn, they manage to shut the doors, then use a crossbar to seal it...but barely, man. As they scurry around to find weapons, Leatherface begins the arduous task of sawing the door apart. Nikki gets her hands on a shotgun, and proceeds to shoot at the killer through the door. They wait to see if the shot hit him, and a van crashes through the doors.
Phew, it's just Heather! They climb into the vehicle mere seconds before Leatherface shows up again, and attempts to saw them through the van door. Luckily, they get away. Who knew that a van was faster than a cannibal?
Oh wait, I forgot what genre this was, silly me. The dingleberries crash the van into the front gate, rather than waiting for it to open, and fret when it seems to be stuck. Leatherface jogs down the road toward the van, as they back it up to give the gate room to swing open. Then the engine stalls again.
Leatherface breaks the back window, just as the vehicle roars back to life. They speed away again, but not before Leatherface manages to slice one of the tires. Boy, that was an easy getaway!
Oops, I think I jinxed 'em. The van has flipped over, and Heather wakes up upside-down. She finds Nikki, banged up and bleeding, but still alive. Ryan didn't fare as well, sad to say. Then Leatherface pops up again, and begins to cut through the van.
That doesn't work, so he rocks the van until it tips over again. Heather scurries outside, just as Leatherface reaches into the van and cuts into Nikki. Ouch! Hands off my movie crush! Heather comes to her rescue by calling Leatherface a "country fuck", and leading him away from the crash site.
They race through the woods, until Heather arrives at a chain-link fence, where we can see a carnival on the other side. She desperately climbs the fence and jumps over to the other side, just moments before Leatherface reaches the fence and tries to cut through it, drawing a shower of sparks.
Do you think anybody at this carnival noticed any of this? Nope. Clearly, this movie was going for more realism. I wonder how many crayons were wasted on the script? Not enough, would be my guess.
Heather runs past a House of Horrors attraction, where several screaming patrons are being chased out of the building by Jigsaw. I shit you not: the guy is dressed in the robe and animal mask from that franchise, and he's also clutching a chainsaw. Yeesh! If the meowing kid from The Grudge shows up, I'm seriously going to shut this off and start watching Amish porn instead.
JigsaWannaBe sees Leatherface approaching, and runs clear into the next county. Then our killer spots Heather, and the chase resumes. She begs people to help her, but no one does anything even remotely useful. Then the smart-ass deputy from earlier arrives on the scene, and heads toward the source of the commotion.
Heather nearly gets trapped by Leatherface, but she manages to grab one of the seats on a moving ferris wheel, and gets lifted into the air. As she starts spinning back to him, the deputy fiiiinally gets to them, and draws his gun on Leatherface. Leatherface responds to the threat by throwing his chainsaw at him in ear-splitting, ground-shattering, hernia-operating 2-D!!!
Deputy Dawg ducks out of the way, narrowly avoiding getting the closest shave EVER. As Leatherface escapes, our hero checks on Heather. He decides to escort her back to the station, where she can be protected. Yeah, sure.
Sheriff Hooper walks into the building, and delivers the chainsaw to the evidence room for safekeeping. For some reason, this reminds me of the scene in Jason X, where the professor is cornered by Jason: "Hey guys, it's okay! He just wanted his machete back!" Heh, good times.
A deputy named Marvin arrives at the crash site, but Nikki is nowhere to be seen. However, a quick investigation leads Marvin to a trail of blood leading away from the van, into a dark area of the woods. So long Marvin.
Deputy Carl checks on Heather, and she asks if Nikki is still alive. Turns out that he was only bringing her a clean shirt to wear. Then he assures her that Leatherface will be stopped, before he gets called away. He comes back to walk her into Sheriff Hooper's office for further questioning.
When Heather tells Hooper who she is, he perks right up. He sends Carl away, then leaves Heather alone in the interrogation room with a big carton labelled EVIDENCE, while he deals with Carl's father, the creepy Mayor Burt.. The sheriff tells Mayor Burt that he thinks Jed Sawyer may have returned to the town. As proof, he shows Burt the chainsaw from the carnival attack.
Deputy Marvin calls in to report that he defied his orders, and is now right outside the gate to the Sawyer property. Sheriff Hooper tries to convince him to return to his car, but the Mayor tells Marvin to hunt for the killer and kill him. The dumbass agrees with that plan.
Back to Heather. Her curiosity gets the better of her, and she decides to look at the evidence box. She reads a newspaper article about the vigilantes, along with a sidebar about the lone survivor. After scanning the articles for details, Heather looks at the date on the paper: August 19. Sound familiar?
Marvin follows a blood trail up to the house, and Sheriff Hooper again urges caution. Marvin enters the house, then uses his phone's camera to let them watch while he searches for the maniac. Come on...he wouldn't at least wait for backup? This is getting dumber by the second.
Heather reads more papers and legal documents, and discovers that Burt was the leader of the vigilantes. She reads the gory details, then there's a flashback to the aftermath. Heather looks annoyed, apparently because she forgot the part where Leatherface slaughtered her friends. Seriously man, this movie is dumber than Paris Hilton on meth. (Speaking of which, can you believe that Breaking Bad is ending this season? :( Me am sad.)
Deputy Marvin finds even more gore in the kitchen, and discovers the secret basement. He gets into a wine cellar, and finds himself in Leatherface's lair, where he sees a blood-filled sink. Heather, by the way, has used the crime report to figure out who her real mother was. D'oh! Our intrepid deputy finds a room filled with various body parts, masks, and clothing for both men and women.Marvin seems surprised by that last detail, but Leatherface was a transvestite in at least one of the other movies, the 4th one I think.
Anyway, Marvin moves into room with even more body parts, and spies an ominous cooler against the far wall. It pops open, and he shoots at the person inside...but it wasn't Leatherface. Nope, the stupid deputy just shot Nikki by mistake. Why can't I ever have nice things?
The sheriff and the mayor have a tiff over whether sending Marvin in alone was a good idea, while Marvin rushes back to the kitchen. Leatherface is there waiting for him, holding an axe. He plants it deep into the deputy's back.
Burt and Hooper keep fighting, until Burt decides to confront Heather himself. He pushes past Hooper into the interrogation room, but Heather has already left. He and Hooper see that she has written "MURDERERS" on one of the photographs of the lynch mob. Hey, I think she knows what they did!
Heather makes her way down a deserted sidewalk, and finds a payphone. She calls up Farnsworth, and tells him about the murders. When she also informs him that she now knows the significance of the security code number, Farnsworth suggests that they meet up at Johnny B. Reds, a local bar. That's followed by a quick but gruesome scene depicting Leatherface removing Marvin's face, then sewing the new "mask" over his own face, while Marvin is still somewhat alive. Harsh!
Heather demands some quick answers from her lawyer, and finds out that most of what she needs to know was contained in Verna's unread letter. D'oh! It turns out that "Jed" is Heather's cousin, and that Farnsworth only found out about him a few months before Verna passed away. Verna investigated everyone who had been involved with the arson, including Heather's "parents", and decided that Heather was safer with them than she would have been in Newt.
Then Farnsworth warns Heather that LeatherJed will continue going after her, only because he doesn't know who she is yet. Oh, and Burt will be looking for her as well, now that he knows that she read the file in the police station. Right on cue, Burt enters the bar, and a buddy of his points out Heather's table.
Heather snatches up a steak knife and heads for the back exit, while Farnsworth lets Burt throw him around the bar. One of Burt's cronies hits her with his car, but she waits for him to get close to her body, then uses her knife on his face. As she gets away, they resume the chase.
She flags down a car, but it's Burt's son Carl. How gullible is she??? As expected, Carl calls his dad, who tells him to bring Heather to an old slaughterhouse out in the middle of nowhere. Leatherface also gets the address from listening to Marvin's police radio. Oh, and Farnsworth saw Heather trapped in the back of Carl's car, so he goes right to Sheriff Hooper. Gosh, I hope no one gets hurt.
As they get close to the slaughterhouse, Heather tries to stab Carl with that handy steak knife. When he stops the car, he drags her out, then slams her face into the frame of the vehicle. She screams for help, but he ignores her cries. Then he rips her shirt open(strategically avoiding any nudity, of course...it's okay to kick pregnant women and cut people in half, but the world would collapse in on itself if they showed us boobies...), chains her hands overhead, and tapes her mouth shut.
Leatherface shows up, just as Carl meets up with Burt outside. Leatherface sneaks up behind Heatherface, then rests the dormant chainsaw blade on her shoulder. She tries to tell him who she is, but the tape makes it impossible to understand her. Yup, just like my last relationship...chains and gags ruin the mood, I guess.
As Leatherface moves in for the kill, he sees a birthmark on Heather that he recognizes. He removes her gag, and she quickly tells him that they're cousins. Yay! Family reunion time! As she continues to scream out her own name, Leatherface revs up his weapon once more, but only to cut her bindings. See? He's actually the hero!
Well, one binding came off. Before he could get the other arm free, Burt's group ambushed him. They use clubs, hammers, crowbars...everything but an actual kitchen sink. Oh, and they're leading him to a shark tank. No, not the show about inventors, but an actual shark tank!
Heather gets away, but decides to fight back. The rednecks wrap the badly-beaten Leatherface in chains, then show him the deadly fish tank. One of the goons turns on a panel that drags Leatherface toward a grinder, but Heather impales him as he leaves. The goon, not Leatherface.
Sheriff Hooper finally wanders in, and hears Heather confronting the attackers. She throws a heavy chainsaw, letting it slide over to her cousin,who takes it to fight Burt. They have a duel, but stop when Hooper is seen. Burt tells him to kill Leatherface, even as he is being cornered at the very same grinder that he was going to use on Leatherface just moments ago.
Burt gets into the machine, where he dangles over the deadly blades by holding onto the top edge. Leatherface saws off his hands, and Burt slides down to a messy death. Sheriff Hooper simply goes home, after ordering the cousins to clean up the crime scene.
They return to the mansion, and Heather uses a wet cloth to clean up Leatherface. Then he shambles off to bed. Heather reads the letter, and it explains that Leatherface is the family protector: as long as they feed and shelter him, he will help them. Heather goes down to the basement, and retrieves a plate of food, to prepare his next meal. THE END?
NOPE. There's a fast scene after the credits, showing Arlene and Sleazeball showing up unannounced on Heather's doorstep. They knock on her door, and are met by Leatherface, who threatens them with his chainsaw. Fade to Black.
Well, you take the good with the bad. While it was silly and slow, it DID get better during the final act. And seeing Leatherface as a hero was fun, as was noticing all of the references and cameos during the story. I'll give it a 3.5 out of 5.
Oh, and what did I learn?
-Always read letters.
-Cops can be complete dicks.
-Hiding in a freezer is a stupid way to die.
The next movie is called The Curse of El Charro. Honest truth, that's the title. Oh, and I'm taking an informal little survey here...If I were to start a second blog, just for movies that have been called SciFi/SyFy Channel Originals, do you guys think it would be fun? Let me know. Same format, just a different genre of films. Anyway, see you soon!
Anyway, enough with my distracted rambling...this movie ain't watching itself! SPOILERS ahead...and probably many, many severed body parts. I hope.
Okay, so this is rather promising: the story opens with a brief recap of the 1974 version. It's like a highlight reel of that movie's kills...There's Kirk getting conked on the head; the scantily-clad girl, Pam, getting snatched up and impaled on the big hook; nerdy Jerry's hammer to the head; Franklin, the one in the wheelchair, being killed head-on by Leatherface; and Sally's torture and eventual escape. Great way to start the film!
Then it flows into the new storyline: Sheriff Hooper(heh, nice reference there) is speeding down a dusty dirt road to arrest Leatherface AKA Jed Sawyer for the murders. Moments before he arrived, another car pulled in, and a young couple rushed into the house. The wife is pregnant. Hooper orders Leatherface's father, Drayton, to send his son outside.
In the house, there are numerous family members, and most are armed with shotguns. Oh, and there are a couple of nice cameos from familiar faces in the previous movies: Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, and Bill Moseley, who played Chop-Top. Pretty cool, at least so far. I hope I didn't just jinx myself!
Anyway, the psychotic rednecks get into a shouting match with Sheriff Hooper, and he threatens to call for reinforcements. Drayton agrees to end things peacefully, and marches into the basement to confront Jed, who is in his classic suit-and-tie outfit. Oh, and he's mutilating a body. Must be nice to have hobbies...
Sheriff Hooper waits for Jed to emerge from the house, then the shit hits the fan. A group of disgruntled townsfolk, led by a guy named Vern drive up, and demand that the lawman allow them to storm the house. One of them hurls a Molotov cocktail through one of the windows of the house, and a crazy gun battle evolves from the situation.
Several of the family members get riddled with bullets, and another explosive bottle is thrown, quickly turning the house into an inferno. The sheriff has men demolish it to keep the fire from spreading, then has them walk through the rubble looking for bodies. One of the searchers finds a charred chainsaw in the wreckage.
Another person, Gavin, searches the woods nearby for evidence, and encounters the pregnant woman, who has since had her baby. She's also dying from a stray bullet wound, and asks Gavin for assistance. He gently picks up her baby, then kicks the wounded woman hard enough to send her head roughly into the frame of the car she was leaning against, killing her. Wow, I hope he's not the redneck version of a paramedic!
Gavin carries the baby away from the crime scene, taking great pains not to be seen. When he arrives at his truck, he hands the infant to hos wife, claiming that he "found" her a baby. Apparently she was having trouble getting pregnant herself, so this is like Christmas for her. Yay. Then we get a montage of crime scene pictures, followed by the title credits.
The movie resumes the story roughly 20 years later, where we meet Heather, the baby that the young couple took all those years ago. She's now working at a grocery store, in the butcher shop of the meat department. Her best friend visits her at work...oh, and her best friend, Nikki, also happens to be the same actress who played Alex Rousseau on the show Lost. And, wow, she is smokin'!
Anyway, Nikki thanks Heather for having her boyfriend Ryan set her up with his friend Kenny. I'm going to make a wild prediction here, that by the time this film ends, I'll be making a "They killed Kenny!" joke. Let's see if I'm right.
Heather goes home to Ryan, who reminds me of another actor I've seen in a slasher film before, either Bumper Robinson or Texas Battle maybe. Ryan's boxing, and Heather interrupts his workout for some quick face-sucking. A knock at the door cuts the intimacy short: Heather gets a letter from Texas, explaining that her grandmother recently died. One problem: As far as she knew, both of her grandmothers were already dead. Whoops!
Heather brings the letter to her "parents", and demands some answers. The answers are short and not-so-sweet: your real parents were trash, your entire bloodline was psychotic, and you should thank us for kidnapping you. Heather takes what few possessions she has, and announces her intention to travel to Texas, and find out who she's supposed to be. To her credit, Arlene comes outside to try to convince Heather not to go. Perhaps she's not as bad as the pregant woman-kicking husband she married.
Heather and her buddies take off, and make a stop at a gas station for snacks, fuel, and directions to Newt, Texas. As they pull out of the parking lot, they hit a guy with their van, and end up offering him a ride. Good thing, too...it's raining hard enough to start building a massive ark.
The stranger is named Darryl, and he quickly charms them all. Heather explains to him that they're going to Texas to hear her grandmother's will, and he makes a comment about the bond of family blood. Why are the hitchhikers in this franchise always so bizarre and creepy?
In Newt, Nikki starts to strip down, and the others look for the house the old woman lived in. It's a mansion, and the family lawyer, Farnsworth is there to greet the weary travelers. He hands Heather a hefty ring of keys, and a letter that Granny Verna wrote to her. He urges her to read the letter soon, as it explains a lot of things to her. Then he leaves, just as quickly as he had arrived.
The estate grounds are beautiful, as is the interior of the house. They wander from room to room, and soon discover a game room with a pool table and liquor. While everyone else congregates in there, Heather walks around the outside of the house, and finds a private cemetery. It's divided into 2 sections, Sawyers and Carsons.
When she returns to the house, it's decided that some groceries are needed. Everyone goes into town except for Darryl, who opts to stay behind to clean the place up a bit. He watches them drive away, then drops the whole "nice guy" act.
He starts by stealing silverware, while the others arrive back in town. They walk into a store, where Nikki sexually harasses Ryan in a jokey fashion. He takes offense, because something happened once between them, one night when he was drunk. I'm guessing it's something that Heather knows nothing about?
Darryl grabs more valuables in the kitchen, before finding the secret door in the kitchen. He pokes his head in, and decides that it's worth a look. He then gets to the area where Leatherface is kept locked up, and uses the massive key to open the door. He breaks the lock on Leatherface's bedroom door, and Leatherface jumps out of the darkness, bashing him many times in the head.
Heather meets a young cop named Carl Hartman, and then his dad, Burt Hartman. Burt's the mayor, and he makes an offer to buy the mansion and the land. Heather refuses, and Burt doesn't react very well.
Back at the mansion, they discover that Darryl ransacked the place. Heather finds a photo showing that all of the Sawyer woman wear a necklace with a pendant in the shape of an 'S' on it. Then Kenny finds the secret passage, and decides to take a look. Kenny's a genius.
In his defense, Kenny does shout over to the others that he thinks he discovered a butler pantry, but no one hears him. The closest person is Ryan, and he's making a ruckus playing pool and cranking music. But at least Kenny tried.
He finds some blood, as well as Darryl's stuff, but no Darryl. Like a lunkhead in a slasher movie?(...), Kenny decides to make it easier for Leatherface to find him, by shouting Darryl's name several times in a row. Then he comes to a hallway that is too dark to explore, and Leatherface rushes at him from the darkness. Kenny manages to haul ass back to the stairs, but Leatherface grabs his legs and drags him back to his lair. "Oh my God, he's killing Kenny! You bastards!"
Ah, that felt good to get out of my system.
Oops...were we still watching a movie? Oh well. After the demise of Kenny, Nikki stumbles in on Ryan, who is now playing pool alone. She begs him to come see something, and pulls him outside. Did she discover a body?
Yeah, but only her own. It turns out that she just wants to have sex with Ryan in a barn. She strips down to her sexy undies and, uh...ummm...sorry, just rewinding and watching this scene. For, uh, a scientific study. Yeah, let's go with that.
Heather picks up a perfume bottle, revealing that she has the hands of an eighty-year-old man. Yikes. As she's ransacking Verna's closet, she finds Verna's corpse behind her, propped up in a chair. Scared, she runs away to find Ryan.
No sign of her friends, but she does run into Leatherface, who is busily bleeding a severed hand into the kitchen sink. Heather tries to escape, but he knocks her out. Then a series of gory images flash onto the screen.
Heather wakes up just in time to see Leatherface impale the not-quite-dead Kenny on a meathook. She manages to get to her feet, and escapes the house. Leatherface follows, but has a fairly pronounced limp slowing him down. Heather stumbles, but manages to hide behind a tombstone before he sees her. She then spots Verna's open coffin, and leaps in.
She makes a noise, and Leatherface begins to saw through the lid of the coffin. Before he can kill her, Leatherface is distracted by the arrival of Ryan and Nikki. He abandons Heather, and chases them back to the barn instead. Rut roh!
As Leatherface closes in on the barn, they manage to shut the doors, then use a crossbar to seal it...but barely, man. As they scurry around to find weapons, Leatherface begins the arduous task of sawing the door apart. Nikki gets her hands on a shotgun, and proceeds to shoot at the killer through the door. They wait to see if the shot hit him, and a van crashes through the doors.
Phew, it's just Heather! They climb into the vehicle mere seconds before Leatherface shows up again, and attempts to saw them through the van door. Luckily, they get away. Who knew that a van was faster than a cannibal?
Oh wait, I forgot what genre this was, silly me. The dingleberries crash the van into the front gate, rather than waiting for it to open, and fret when it seems to be stuck. Leatherface jogs down the road toward the van, as they back it up to give the gate room to swing open. Then the engine stalls again.
Leatherface breaks the back window, just as the vehicle roars back to life. They speed away again, but not before Leatherface manages to slice one of the tires. Boy, that was an easy getaway!
Oops, I think I jinxed 'em. The van has flipped over, and Heather wakes up upside-down. She finds Nikki, banged up and bleeding, but still alive. Ryan didn't fare as well, sad to say. Then Leatherface pops up again, and begins to cut through the van.
That doesn't work, so he rocks the van until it tips over again. Heather scurries outside, just as Leatherface reaches into the van and cuts into Nikki. Ouch! Hands off my movie crush! Heather comes to her rescue by calling Leatherface a "country fuck", and leading him away from the crash site.
They race through the woods, until Heather arrives at a chain-link fence, where we can see a carnival on the other side. She desperately climbs the fence and jumps over to the other side, just moments before Leatherface reaches the fence and tries to cut through it, drawing a shower of sparks.
Do you think anybody at this carnival noticed any of this? Nope. Clearly, this movie was going for more realism. I wonder how many crayons were wasted on the script? Not enough, would be my guess.
Heather runs past a House of Horrors attraction, where several screaming patrons are being chased out of the building by Jigsaw. I shit you not: the guy is dressed in the robe and animal mask from that franchise, and he's also clutching a chainsaw. Yeesh! If the meowing kid from The Grudge shows up, I'm seriously going to shut this off and start watching Amish porn instead.
JigsaWannaBe sees Leatherface approaching, and runs clear into the next county. Then our killer spots Heather, and the chase resumes. She begs people to help her, but no one does anything even remotely useful. Then the smart-ass deputy from earlier arrives on the scene, and heads toward the source of the commotion.
Heather nearly gets trapped by Leatherface, but she manages to grab one of the seats on a moving ferris wheel, and gets lifted into the air. As she starts spinning back to him, the deputy fiiiinally gets to them, and draws his gun on Leatherface. Leatherface responds to the threat by throwing his chainsaw at him in ear-splitting, ground-shattering, hernia-operating 2-D!!!
Deputy Dawg ducks out of the way, narrowly avoiding getting the closest shave EVER. As Leatherface escapes, our hero checks on Heather. He decides to escort her back to the station, where she can be protected. Yeah, sure.
Sheriff Hooper walks into the building, and delivers the chainsaw to the evidence room for safekeeping. For some reason, this reminds me of the scene in Jason X, where the professor is cornered by Jason: "Hey guys, it's okay! He just wanted his machete back!" Heh, good times.
A deputy named Marvin arrives at the crash site, but Nikki is nowhere to be seen. However, a quick investigation leads Marvin to a trail of blood leading away from the van, into a dark area of the woods. So long Marvin.
Deputy Carl checks on Heather, and she asks if Nikki is still alive. Turns out that he was only bringing her a clean shirt to wear. Then he assures her that Leatherface will be stopped, before he gets called away. He comes back to walk her into Sheriff Hooper's office for further questioning.
When Heather tells Hooper who she is, he perks right up. He sends Carl away, then leaves Heather alone in the interrogation room with a big carton labelled EVIDENCE, while he deals with Carl's father, the creepy Mayor Burt.. The sheriff tells Mayor Burt that he thinks Jed Sawyer may have returned to the town. As proof, he shows Burt the chainsaw from the carnival attack.
Deputy Marvin calls in to report that he defied his orders, and is now right outside the gate to the Sawyer property. Sheriff Hooper tries to convince him to return to his car, but the Mayor tells Marvin to hunt for the killer and kill him. The dumbass agrees with that plan.
Back to Heather. Her curiosity gets the better of her, and she decides to look at the evidence box. She reads a newspaper article about the vigilantes, along with a sidebar about the lone survivor. After scanning the articles for details, Heather looks at the date on the paper: August 19. Sound familiar?
Marvin follows a blood trail up to the house, and Sheriff Hooper again urges caution. Marvin enters the house, then uses his phone's camera to let them watch while he searches for the maniac. Come on...he wouldn't at least wait for backup? This is getting dumber by the second.
Heather reads more papers and legal documents, and discovers that Burt was the leader of the vigilantes. She reads the gory details, then there's a flashback to the aftermath. Heather looks annoyed, apparently because she forgot the part where Leatherface slaughtered her friends. Seriously man, this movie is dumber than Paris Hilton on meth. (Speaking of which, can you believe that Breaking Bad is ending this season? :( Me am sad.)
Deputy Marvin finds even more gore in the kitchen, and discovers the secret basement. He gets into a wine cellar, and finds himself in Leatherface's lair, where he sees a blood-filled sink. Heather, by the way, has used the crime report to figure out who her real mother was. D'oh! Our intrepid deputy finds a room filled with various body parts, masks, and clothing for both men and women.Marvin seems surprised by that last detail, but Leatherface was a transvestite in at least one of the other movies, the 4th one I think.
Anyway, Marvin moves into room with even more body parts, and spies an ominous cooler against the far wall. It pops open, and he shoots at the person inside...but it wasn't Leatherface. Nope, the stupid deputy just shot Nikki by mistake. Why can't I ever have nice things?
The sheriff and the mayor have a tiff over whether sending Marvin in alone was a good idea, while Marvin rushes back to the kitchen. Leatherface is there waiting for him, holding an axe. He plants it deep into the deputy's back.
Burt and Hooper keep fighting, until Burt decides to confront Heather himself. He pushes past Hooper into the interrogation room, but Heather has already left. He and Hooper see that she has written "MURDERERS" on one of the photographs of the lynch mob. Hey, I think she knows what they did!
Heather makes her way down a deserted sidewalk, and finds a payphone. She calls up Farnsworth, and tells him about the murders. When she also informs him that she now knows the significance of the security code number, Farnsworth suggests that they meet up at Johnny B. Reds, a local bar. That's followed by a quick but gruesome scene depicting Leatherface removing Marvin's face, then sewing the new "mask" over his own face, while Marvin is still somewhat alive. Harsh!
Heather demands some quick answers from her lawyer, and finds out that most of what she needs to know was contained in Verna's unread letter. D'oh! It turns out that "Jed" is Heather's cousin, and that Farnsworth only found out about him a few months before Verna passed away. Verna investigated everyone who had been involved with the arson, including Heather's "parents", and decided that Heather was safer with them than she would have been in Newt.
Then Farnsworth warns Heather that LeatherJed will continue going after her, only because he doesn't know who she is yet. Oh, and Burt will be looking for her as well, now that he knows that she read the file in the police station. Right on cue, Burt enters the bar, and a buddy of his points out Heather's table.
Heather snatches up a steak knife and heads for the back exit, while Farnsworth lets Burt throw him around the bar. One of Burt's cronies hits her with his car, but she waits for him to get close to her body, then uses her knife on his face. As she gets away, they resume the chase.
She flags down a car, but it's Burt's son Carl. How gullible is she??? As expected, Carl calls his dad, who tells him to bring Heather to an old slaughterhouse out in the middle of nowhere. Leatherface also gets the address from listening to Marvin's police radio. Oh, and Farnsworth saw Heather trapped in the back of Carl's car, so he goes right to Sheriff Hooper. Gosh, I hope no one gets hurt.
As they get close to the slaughterhouse, Heather tries to stab Carl with that handy steak knife. When he stops the car, he drags her out, then slams her face into the frame of the vehicle. She screams for help, but he ignores her cries. Then he rips her shirt open(strategically avoiding any nudity, of course...it's okay to kick pregnant women and cut people in half, but the world would collapse in on itself if they showed us boobies...), chains her hands overhead, and tapes her mouth shut.
Leatherface shows up, just as Carl meets up with Burt outside. Leatherface sneaks up behind Heatherface, then rests the dormant chainsaw blade on her shoulder. She tries to tell him who she is, but the tape makes it impossible to understand her. Yup, just like my last relationship...chains and gags ruin the mood, I guess.
As Leatherface moves in for the kill, he sees a birthmark on Heather that he recognizes. He removes her gag, and she quickly tells him that they're cousins. Yay! Family reunion time! As she continues to scream out her own name, Leatherface revs up his weapon once more, but only to cut her bindings. See? He's actually the hero!
Well, one binding came off. Before he could get the other arm free, Burt's group ambushed him. They use clubs, hammers, crowbars...everything but an actual kitchen sink. Oh, and they're leading him to a shark tank. No, not the show about inventors, but an actual shark tank!
Heather gets away, but decides to fight back. The rednecks wrap the badly-beaten Leatherface in chains, then show him the deadly fish tank. One of the goons turns on a panel that drags Leatherface toward a grinder, but Heather impales him as he leaves. The goon, not Leatherface.
Sheriff Hooper finally wanders in, and hears Heather confronting the attackers. She throws a heavy chainsaw, letting it slide over to her cousin,who takes it to fight Burt. They have a duel, but stop when Hooper is seen. Burt tells him to kill Leatherface, even as he is being cornered at the very same grinder that he was going to use on Leatherface just moments ago.
Burt gets into the machine, where he dangles over the deadly blades by holding onto the top edge. Leatherface saws off his hands, and Burt slides down to a messy death. Sheriff Hooper simply goes home, after ordering the cousins to clean up the crime scene.
They return to the mansion, and Heather uses a wet cloth to clean up Leatherface. Then he shambles off to bed. Heather reads the letter, and it explains that Leatherface is the family protector: as long as they feed and shelter him, he will help them. Heather goes down to the basement, and retrieves a plate of food, to prepare his next meal. THE END?
NOPE. There's a fast scene after the credits, showing Arlene and Sleazeball showing up unannounced on Heather's doorstep. They knock on her door, and are met by Leatherface, who threatens them with his chainsaw. Fade to Black.
Well, you take the good with the bad. While it was silly and slow, it DID get better during the final act. And seeing Leatherface as a hero was fun, as was noticing all of the references and cameos during the story. I'll give it a 3.5 out of 5.
Oh, and what did I learn?
-Always read letters.
-Cops can be complete dicks.
-Hiding in a freezer is a stupid way to die.
The next movie is called The Curse of El Charro. Honest truth, that's the title. Oh, and I'm taking an informal little survey here...If I were to start a second blog, just for movies that have been called SciFi/SyFy Channel Originals, do you guys think it would be fun? Let me know. Same format, just a different genre of films. Anyway, see you soon!
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