A short delay

The DVD of this week's SAW glitched up, so this week's movie will be Fear Island, which is available on Netflix Instant. Cross your fingers that it's good...

Curse of El Charro

Well, my luck has finally run out. After a run of mostly-decent slasher flicks, we come to this week's effort: The Curse of El Charro. If you were expecting a gorefest starring frequent Love Boat guest Charo, prepare to be disappointed, my friends! Ay-yi-yi, beyond this line will be SPOILERS! Kootchie-kootchie!

The very first attempt I made to sit through this, I lasted a whopping 5 minutes. Yes, it was THAT bad! The movie opens with a silent-movie sequence: There are lit candles everywhere, and enough religious imagery to make Damien Thorn's head explode. There's a somewhat attractive woman, and she has big, white, feathery wings sprouting from her shoulders. Is Charlie missing an angel? Does Victoria have a secret?

Angel-Girl is either deep in prayer or she fell asleep, because a guy dressed like a cowboy sneaks up on her. He starts caressing her hair, then he somehow removes her wings. Then, just to be a dick, he kills her. A young Hispanic woman sits up in her bed, tears streaming down her face. Dream sequence. Yay. Then the title comes up, and the screen turns black for several seconds. It's over! The world's shortest slash--

Oh. Nope, she's back. She's telling a priest about her nightmare, and he's pretty useless in the "helping others" department. Oh, and her name is Maria. She aspires to be a nun, and her own sister killed herself. She also has plans to go on a trip with her friends, and the priest encourages her to have some fun.

As Maria runs to meet up with her friends, the old priest calls his Monsignor for advice. It's revealed that her sister had similar dreams and visions leading up to her demise. Yikes! The priest is advised to keep an eye on her, which might have been good to know about 30 seconds ago...

We meet 3 girls, and only one of them considers Maria a friend. Chris is the friend; Tanya is the sassy black girl; and Rose is some kind of Goth girl, I guess. Why would ANY of them be friends with each other? It's as if the writer wanted to appeal to as many demographic stereotypes as possible, to get more suckers to watch.

Anyway, Chris tells Maria that she's going to have fun, even if it kills her. Heh. After a few minutes of witless banter, they get in the car. As they drive around aimlessly, they all start headbanging. Another demographic to cross off the list!

Maria somehow manages to fall asleep again(Has she been reading the script?), and dreams about a naked woman. Oh, she's flashing back to finding her dead sister. She jiggles the dead woman's breasts to revive her, then jolts herself awake. Rose whips out a bong, and passes it to Tanya. Tanya starts to choke, then the car veers around wildly, catching the attention of a cop.

The cop, who looks like he could be Ron Perlman's grandpa, asks to see Tanya's license and registration. She tries--and fails-- to seduce him, he gets impatient, and escorts her back to his vehicle. As the others girls watch in the rear view mirror, they see what looks like Tanya giving Officer Geezer oral sex. I may need to disinfect my eyeballs if I want to finish this one.

An indefinite amount of time passes, and the cop finally walks Tanya back to her car. He seems much more chipper, and offers to escort their car into town. After he returns to his own car, Rose confronts Tanya with what they saw, but she pleads innocence. Uhhh, how stupid does she think we are? You went down on Father Time LaFawnduh...own up to it!

So, where were we? Oh yeah, they drive into the nearest town and pull into a gas station. There, they all get out of the car to stretch their legs, and leave Maria behind to refuel, while they head into the local bar/nightclub/whatever. The place is darker than Paris Hilton's soul, and the volume level is suddenly cranked up to 11. Great, I get to go deaf, and this P.O.S. has no subtitles. Oh, and Maria pointlessly watches a little boy poking a dead bird with a stick.

I hate you, El Charro.

However, as they all order drinks(from a crazy-looking bald bartender of course) and Maria heads into the restroom, we get the best scene in the film so far. The already-dim lights go out, and a young blind man is helped onto a stage by a female assistant, who seats him in a comfy wheelchair in front of a microphone. She kisses him, then the magic happens...

Basically, the singer tosses his sunglasses aside, then launches into an apeshit-crazy-fantastic thrash metal song. One old guy is REALLY into it in the scene. I won't describe the entire scene here, because it's too funny and bizarre to do it justice, but you can watch it by typing "Scott Greenall performance from The Curse of El Charro" on YouTube. Great scene, and completely comes out of left field. Besides, aren't you supposed to be watching the movie as you read along?

Maria has a vision while she's in the bathroom, and a ghostly woman warns her that El Charro is coming. She rushes back to the bar and tries to convince Chris that they need  to leave town, but the bartender tells them that they can't, then Tanya tells off Maria. Oh, and the song comes to an abrupt halt.

When they exit the bar, it's dark outside. They drive around in the dark, and Maria has yet another dream. In this one, a man in a long black coat or robe warns her that "the dark one" is looking for her, and that he likes it when she's asleep. Then he has ANOTHER DREAM where she's back in the car, and there are more warnings, plus a bloody throat-slitting.

Maria comes to, and asks Tanya to pull over to the side of the road, so that she can hurl. While Chris is assisting her, Tanya and Rose freak when they see a maniac in a poncho marching straight for the car. They urge the others to get back in, and the guy disappears, then pops up at Maria's window. They speed away. Bye, El Charro!

They decide to keep driving until they reach their destination, and get there pretty darned fast. The house they're staying in is luxurious, and they all start to relax. Even Maria. As Maria and Chris unpack in one room, Rose and Tanya decide to tour the premises.

The first room they explore seems to be a mini-church, filled with a buttload of iconic religious objects. Apparently, the homeowner collects religious objects and artifacts. Oh, and Chris tries to cheer up Maria with a pep-talk. Maria, on the other hand, makes Debbie Downer seem like friggin' Pollyanna by comparison.

Chris gives Maria a glam makeover, and Tanya insults the effort repeatedly when she sees the new look. Bitchy much? Rose(actually "Rosemary") then emerges, wearing a sexy black outfit. And they're off!

They drive around until they find a club called "Seraph". Can we please knock it off with all of the symbolism here? It's not exactly subtle, seeing as how it's being shoved down our throats.

They dance around in a blurry, obnoxious mess of a sequence, then head to the bar for more drinks. This is more like one of those "World's Wildest College Girls" videos, as opposed to an actual movie, slasher or otherwise. As you might expect, 2 guys swoop up Chris, Rosemary and Tanya, leaving Maria behind to practice her Dramatic Pouting.

Despite her entire persona, Maria meets a guy at the bar. While they chat, a scruffy-looking guy stares at Maria from across the room. This new guy whispers something to an attractive woman in a cocktail gown, and she approaches Maria now. Wow, gloomy girls are shockingly popular! The guy trying to be nice to Maria is named James, by the way. As he continues to flirt with her, the mystery woman leans over to whisper something in Maria's ear. It sound like Latin, but I have no idea what she says. Anyone out there know what she's saying?

Maria, disturbed by what just happened, gets up and walks away from the bar, leaving James talking to himself. When he realizes that she left, he seems pretty disappointed. Oh well...that's why God gave us hands and lotion, man. (I know, that was gross, but I'm reallllllllllly bored by this one...)

Maria leaves the club to get some fresh air, and is approached by a blind woman. She has her one millionth vision, which I believe means that she wins a free toaster oven. In this vision, Maria sees El Charro, and learns his backstory:

El Charro was an evil land baron, and he fell in love. He wanted to marry this woman, but her religious faith led her to reject him, so he killed her family and friends out of sheer spite. The townspeople of Saguro wanted revenge on him for all of his past misdeeds, so they executed El Charro before he could kill this woman. Right before he died, he placed a curse on her and any future members of her bloodline, and Maria is his next target for revenge. Okey-dokey.

As Maria snaps out of the vision, James meets the other girls, and we discover that the other dudes who picked them up are his buddies. The 6 of them decide to leave the club without Maria, and 2 "little people" at the bar have a brief chat. Swear to God, that's how the scene ended.

Maria meets the group by the car, and refuses to speak. As they all start to drive away in different vehicles, a girl named Brittany arrives to create a scene, yelling at a friend of James' named King. As King tries to convince Britt that he hasn't seen her boyfriend all night, one of the little people walks up to King, telling him that James forgot his credit card. Whoops, I guess Britt knows the truth now!

As they drive away, King reveals that Britt is actually no longer dating James, she's just psychotic. What a relief, huh? She, of course, is following them to find her ex. Is this thing ever going to get to the slasher stuff? I've seen more horror in Saturday morning cartoons!

Back at the estate, everybody shares a bong, minus the pure, innocent Maria. She needs to chill. As she gets up to go inside, Britt encounters the "cock-sucking motherfucker" in the poncho on the road, and leaves the relative safety of her car.. Her words, by the way, not mine. He slices off the middle finger she shows him, then he cuts her head off as well. Yay!

Chris and King pick up another couple, Odie and Elvira, then continue to the house. Did this movie really need more characters? As they drive away, we get to look at El Charro's damn feet.

Tanya and her date leave the others to get acquainted, and she leaves him at the pool, so he decides to strip for a midnight swim. El Charro is still wearily trudging to the party, while Maria has more visions and a crying fit. Compelling stuff.

King's truck finally reaches the destination, and Chris leaves to check up on Maria. She finds her friend babbling, rocking back and forth, and in tears. Obviously, the very first thing she asks is, "Maria, are you okay?" (I had to pause at this point to laugh for about 3 straight minutes.)

Maria tries to tell Chris about the visions of her sister and El Charro, but Chris just thinks it's hysteria. Then there's an out-of-nowhere lesbian sequence, between Rosemary and (I think) Elvira, probably added in to wake us up. Just as it starts to get steamy, El Charro hacks them both up in the shower. Great, now I'm somehow excited AND bored. How does that work???

Maria meets up with James again, and has more visions. Shocking, I know. King and Chris start to make out on the hood of his truck, and El Charro swiftly kills them both, in a pretty unexciting and mostly bloodless sequence. Considering how much endurance it took to get to this point, you'd think that they could at least deliver decent kills.

Maria and James walk outside, where El Charro ambushes them. They make it to a car, but El Charro pulls James outside, and begins to slice him like a deli ham. Maria screams, then runs away, while El Charro's voice gets inside her head.

Maria gets to the shrine room, and starts to pray her ass off. El Charro looms large over her shoulder, still trying to seduce her with his whispers. He raises his blade, but before he can kill her, the bearded dude from the nightclub grabs his arm. Ah, the bearded guy has angel wings. El Charro is defeated by a combination of angel magic, prayer, and the magical power of a lousy script. Hooray.

The angel gives Maria a hug, and she finds herself alone in the shrine, cvovered in blood and holding a cross. She gets checked into a mental hospital, where she spends the rest of her days babbling nonstop. THE END...Wait, what? Weren't there other characters? Did Odie live?

Man, what a downer. A rushed ending, a sluggish opening act, and one epic song later, and I still can't believe how pointless it all seemed! And short! It's getting 2 killer trees out of 5, with both points going to that one song in the movie. Next up is Home Sick, which can't be half as dull as this one was.

Oh, and what did I get out of watching Curse of El Charro?

-People who have visions are no fun to be around.

-Old men are the best head-bangers.

-Ghosts have to walk everywhere.

Have a good week!

Texas Chainsaw 2-D

Now this is probably going to be a lot less impressive than Tormented was last week...in other words, we're back in business with the badness. This one is Texas Chainsaw 2-D(no massacre in the title, and no third dimension to "enjoy"...), so I'm not expecting greatness here, considering that the last one of these I loved was the wacky, bloody Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2...the one with Stretch and Chop-Top, as opposed to the sequel to the remake with Jordana Brewster. That one was just depressing. Which one had the Speak'n'Spell, where he just kept spelling pronouns as "food"? Part 3? That scene alone made it watchable.

Anyway, enough with my distracted rambling...this movie ain't watching itself! SPOILERS ahead...and probably many, many severed body parts. I hope.

Okay, so this is rather promising: the story opens with a brief recap of the 1974 version. It's like a highlight reel of that movie's kills...There's Kirk getting conked on the head; the scantily-clad girl, Pam, getting snatched up and impaled on the big hook; nerdy Jerry's hammer to the head; Franklin, the one in the wheelchair, being killed head-on by Leatherface; and Sally's torture and eventual escape. Great way to start the film!

Then it flows into the new storyline: Sheriff Hooper(heh, nice reference there) is speeding down a dusty dirt road to arrest Leatherface AKA Jed Sawyer for the murders. Moments before he arrived, another car pulled in, and a young couple rushed into the house. The wife is pregnant. Hooper orders Leatherface's father, Drayton, to send his son outside.

In the house, there are numerous family members, and most are armed with shotguns. Oh, and there are a couple of nice cameos from familiar faces in the previous movies: Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, and Bill Moseley, who played Chop-Top. Pretty cool, at least so far. I hope I didn't just jinx myself!

Anyway, the psychotic rednecks get into a shouting match with Sheriff Hooper, and he threatens to call for reinforcements. Drayton agrees to end things peacefully, and marches into the basement to confront Jed, who is in his classic suit-and-tie outfit. Oh, and he's mutilating a body. Must be nice to have hobbies...

Sheriff Hooper waits for Jed to emerge from the house, then the shit hits the fan. A group of disgruntled townsfolk, led by a guy named Vern drive up, and demand that the lawman allow them to storm the house. One of them hurls a Molotov cocktail through one of the windows of the house, and a crazy gun battle evolves from the situation.

Several of the family members get riddled with bullets, and another explosive bottle is thrown, quickly turning the house into an inferno. The sheriff has men demolish it to keep the fire from spreading, then has them walk through the rubble looking for bodies. One of the searchers finds a charred chainsaw in the wreckage.

Another person, Gavin, searches the woods nearby for evidence, and encounters the pregnant woman, who has since had her baby. She's also dying from a stray bullet wound, and asks Gavin for assistance. He gently picks up her baby, then kicks the wounded woman hard enough to send her head roughly into the frame of the car she was leaning against, killing her. Wow, I hope he's not the redneck version of a paramedic!

Gavin carries the baby away from the crime scene, taking great pains not to be seen. When he arrives at his truck, he hands the infant to hos wife, claiming that he "found" her a baby. Apparently she was having trouble getting pregnant herself, so this is like Christmas for her. Yay. Then we get a montage of crime scene pictures, followed by the title credits.

The movie resumes the story roughly 20 years later, where we meet Heather, the baby that the young couple took all those years ago. She's now working at a grocery store, in the butcher shop of the meat department. Her best friend visits her at work...oh, and her best friend, Nikki, also happens to be the same actress who played Alex Rousseau on the show Lost. And, wow, she is smokin'!

Anyway,  Nikki thanks Heather for having her boyfriend Ryan set her up with his friend Kenny. I'm going to make a wild prediction here, that by the time this film ends, I'll be making a "They killed Kenny!" joke. Let's see if I'm right.

Heather goes home to Ryan, who reminds me of another actor I've seen in a slasher film before, either Bumper  Robinson or Texas Battle maybe. Ryan's boxing, and Heather interrupts his workout for some quick face-sucking. A knock at the door cuts the intimacy short: Heather gets a letter from Texas, explaining that her grandmother recently died. One problem: As far as she knew, both of her grandmothers were already dead. Whoops!

Heather brings the letter to her "parents", and demands some answers. The answers are short and not-so-sweet: your real parents were trash, your entire bloodline was psychotic, and you should thank us for kidnapping you. Heather takes what few possessions she has, and announces her intention to travel to Texas, and find out who she's supposed to be. To her credit, Arlene comes outside to try to convince Heather not to go. Perhaps she's not as bad  as the pregant woman-kicking husband she married.

Heather and her buddies take off, and make a stop at a gas station for snacks, fuel, and directions to Newt, Texas. As they pull out of the parking lot, they hit a guy with their van, and end up offering him a ride. Good thing, too...it's raining hard enough to start building a massive ark.

The stranger is named Darryl, and he quickly charms them all. Heather explains to him that they're going to Texas to hear her grandmother's will, and he makes a comment about the bond of family blood. Why are the hitchhikers in this franchise always so bizarre and creepy?

In Newt, Nikki starts to strip  down, and the others look for the house the old woman lived in. It's a mansion, and the family lawyer, Farnsworth is there to greet the weary travelers. He hands Heather a hefty ring of keys, and a letter that Granny Verna wrote to her. He urges her to read the letter soon, as it explains a lot of things to her. Then he leaves, just as quickly as he had arrived.

The estate grounds are beautiful, as is the interior of the house. They wander from room to room, and soon discover a game room with a pool table and liquor. While everyone else congregates in there, Heather walks around the outside of the house, and finds a private cemetery. It's divided into 2 sections, Sawyers and Carsons.

When she returns to the house, it's decided that some groceries are needed. Everyone goes into town except for Darryl, who opts to stay behind to clean the place up a bit. He watches them drive away, then drops the whole "nice guy" act.

He starts by stealing silverware, while the others arrive back in town. They walk into a store, where Nikki sexually harasses Ryan in a jokey fashion. He takes offense, because something happened once between them, one night when he was drunk. I'm guessing it's something that Heather knows nothing about?

Darryl grabs more valuables in the kitchen, before finding the secret door in the kitchen. He pokes his head in, and decides that it's worth a look. He then gets to the area where Leatherface is kept locked up, and uses the massive key to open the door. He breaks the lock on Leatherface's bedroom door, and Leatherface jumps out of the darkness, bashing him many times in the head.

Heather meets a young cop named Carl Hartman, and then his dad, Burt Hartman. Burt's the mayor, and he makes an offer to buy the mansion and the land. Heather refuses, and Burt doesn't react very well.

Back at the mansion, they discover that Darryl ransacked the place. Heather finds a photo showing that all of the Sawyer woman wear a necklace with a pendant in the shape of an 'S' on it. Then Kenny finds the secret passage, and decides to take a look. Kenny's a genius.

In his defense, Kenny does shout over to the others that he thinks he discovered a butler pantry, but no one hears him. The closest person is Ryan, and he's making a ruckus playing pool and cranking music. But at least Kenny tried.

He finds some blood, as well as Darryl's stuff, but no Darryl. Like a lunkhead in a slasher movie?(...), Kenny decides to make it easier for Leatherface to find him, by shouting Darryl's name several times in a row. Then he comes to a hallway that is too dark to explore, and Leatherface rushes at him from the darkness. Kenny manages to haul ass back to the stairs, but Leatherface grabs his legs and drags him back to his lair. "Oh my God, he's killing Kenny! You bastards!"

Ah, that felt good to get out of my system.

Oops...were we still watching a movie? Oh well. After the demise of Kenny, Nikki stumbles in on Ryan, who is now playing pool alone. She begs him to come see something, and pulls him outside. Did she discover a body?

Yeah, but only her own. It turns out that she just wants to have sex with Ryan in a barn. She strips down to her sexy undies and, uh...ummm...sorry, just rewinding and watching this scene. For, uh, a scientific study. Yeah, let's go with that.

Heather picks up a perfume bottle, revealing that she has the hands of an eighty-year-old man. Yikes. As she's ransacking Verna's closet, she finds Verna's corpse behind her, propped up in a chair. Scared, she runs away to find Ryan.

No sign of her friends, but she does run into Leatherface, who is busily bleeding a severed hand into the kitchen sink. Heather tries to escape, but he knocks her out. Then a series of gory images flash onto the screen.

Heather wakes up just in time to see Leatherface impale the not-quite-dead Kenny on a meathook. She manages to get to her feet, and escapes the house. Leatherface follows, but has a fairly pronounced limp slowing him down. Heather stumbles, but manages to hide behind a tombstone before he sees her. She then spots Verna's open coffin, and leaps in.

She makes a noise, and Leatherface begins to saw through the lid of the coffin. Before he can kill her, Leatherface is distracted by the arrival of Ryan and Nikki. He abandons Heather, and chases them back to the barn instead. Rut roh!

As Leatherface closes in on the barn, they manage to shut the doors, then use a crossbar to seal it...but barely, man. As they scurry around to find weapons, Leatherface begins the arduous task of sawing the door apart. Nikki gets her hands on a shotgun, and proceeds to shoot at the killer through the door. They wait to see if the shot hit him, and a van crashes through the doors.

Phew, it's just Heather! They climb into the vehicle mere seconds before Leatherface shows up again, and attempts to saw them through the van door. Luckily, they get away. Who knew that a van was faster than a cannibal?

Oh wait, I forgot what genre this was, silly me. The dingleberries crash the van into the front gate, rather than waiting for it to open, and fret when it seems to be stuck. Leatherface jogs down the road toward the van, as they back it up to give the gate room to swing open. Then the engine stalls again.

Leatherface breaks the back window, just as the vehicle roars back to life. They speed away again, but not before Leatherface manages to slice one of the tires. Boy, that was an easy getaway!

Oops, I think I jinxed 'em. The van has flipped over, and Heather wakes up upside-down. She finds Nikki, banged up and bleeding, but still alive. Ryan didn't fare as well, sad to say. Then Leatherface pops up again, and begins to cut through the van.

That doesn't work, so he rocks the van until it tips over again. Heather scurries outside, just as Leatherface reaches into the van and cuts into Nikki. Ouch! Hands off my movie crush! Heather comes to her rescue by calling Leatherface a "country fuck", and leading him away from the crash site.

They race through the woods, until Heather arrives at a chain-link fence, where we can see a carnival on the other side. She desperately climbs the fence and jumps over to the other side, just moments before Leatherface reaches the fence and tries to cut through it, drawing a shower of sparks.

Do you think anybody at this carnival noticed any of this? Nope. Clearly, this movie was going for more realism. I wonder how many crayons were wasted on the script? Not enough, would be my guess.

Heather runs past a House of Horrors attraction, where several screaming patrons are being chased out of the building by Jigsaw. I shit you not: the guy is dressed in the robe and animal mask from that franchise, and he's also clutching a chainsaw. Yeesh! If the meowing kid from The Grudge shows up, I'm seriously going to shut this off and start watching Amish porn instead.

JigsaWannaBe sees Leatherface approaching, and runs clear into the next county. Then our killer spots Heather, and the chase resumes. She begs people to help her, but no one does anything even remotely useful. Then the smart-ass deputy from earlier arrives on the scene, and heads toward the source of the commotion.

Heather nearly gets trapped by Leatherface, but she manages to grab one of the seats on a moving ferris wheel, and gets lifted into the air. As she starts spinning back to him, the deputy fiiiinally gets to them, and draws his gun on Leatherface. Leatherface responds to the threat by throwing his chainsaw at him in ear-splitting, ground-shattering, hernia-operating 2-D!!!

Deputy Dawg ducks out of the way, narrowly avoiding getting the closest shave EVER. As Leatherface escapes, our hero checks on Heather. He decides to escort her back to the station, where she can be protected. Yeah, sure.

Sheriff Hooper walks into the building, and delivers the chainsaw to the evidence room for safekeeping. For some reason, this reminds me of the scene in Jason X, where the professor is cornered by Jason: "Hey guys, it's okay! He just wanted his machete back!" Heh, good times.

A deputy named Marvin arrives at the crash site, but Nikki is nowhere to be seen. However, a quick investigation leads Marvin to a trail of blood leading away from the van, into a dark area of the woods. So long Marvin.

Deputy Carl checks on Heather, and she asks if Nikki is still alive. Turns out that he was only bringing her a clean shirt to wear. Then he assures her that Leatherface will be stopped, before he gets called away. He comes back to walk her into Sheriff Hooper's office for further questioning.

When Heather tells Hooper who she is, he perks right up. He sends Carl away, then leaves Heather alone in the interrogation room with a big carton labelled EVIDENCE, while he deals with Carl's father, the creepy Mayor Burt.. The sheriff tells Mayor Burt that he thinks Jed Sawyer may have returned to the town. As proof, he shows Burt the chainsaw from the carnival attack.

Deputy Marvin calls in to report that he defied his orders, and is now right outside the gate to the Sawyer property. Sheriff Hooper tries to convince him to return to his car, but the Mayor tells Marvin to hunt for the killer and kill him. The dumbass agrees with that plan.

Back to Heather. Her curiosity gets the better of her, and she decides to look at the evidence box. She reads a newspaper article about the vigilantes, along with a sidebar about the lone survivor. After scanning the articles for details, Heather looks at the date on the paper: August 19. Sound familiar?

Marvin follows a blood trail up to the house, and Sheriff Hooper again urges caution. Marvin enters the house, then uses his phone's camera to let them watch while he searches for the maniac. Come on...he wouldn't at least wait for backup? This is getting dumber by the second.

Heather reads more papers and legal documents, and discovers that Burt was the leader of the vigilantes. She reads the gory details, then there's a flashback to the aftermath. Heather looks annoyed, apparently because she forgot the part where Leatherface slaughtered her friends. Seriously man, this movie is dumber than Paris Hilton on meth. (Speaking of which, can you believe that Breaking Bad is ending this season? :( Me am sad.)

Deputy Marvin finds even more gore in the kitchen, and discovers the secret basement. He gets into a wine cellar, and finds himself in Leatherface's lair, where he sees a blood-filled sink. Heather, by the way, has used the crime report to figure out who her real mother was. D'oh! Our intrepid deputy finds a room filled with various body parts, masks, and clothing for both men and women.Marvin seems surprised by that last detail, but Leatherface was a transvestite in at least one of the other movies, the 4th one I think.

Anyway, Marvin moves into room with even more body parts, and spies an ominous cooler against the far wall. It pops open, and he shoots at the person inside...but it wasn't Leatherface. Nope, the stupid deputy just shot Nikki by mistake. Why can't I ever have nice things?

The sheriff and the mayor have a tiff over whether sending Marvin in alone was a good idea, while Marvin rushes back to the kitchen. Leatherface is there waiting for him, holding an axe. He plants it deep into the deputy's back.

Burt and Hooper keep fighting, until Burt decides to confront Heather himself. He pushes past Hooper into the interrogation room, but Heather has already left. He and Hooper see that she has written "MURDERERS" on one of the photographs of the lynch mob. Hey, I think she knows what they did!

Heather makes her way down a deserted sidewalk, and finds a payphone. She calls up Farnsworth, and tells him about the murders. When she also informs him that she now knows the significance of the security code number, Farnsworth suggests that they meet up at Johnny B. Reds, a local bar. That's followed by a quick but gruesome scene depicting Leatherface removing Marvin's face, then sewing the new "mask" over his own face, while Marvin is still somewhat alive. Harsh!

Heather demands some quick answers from her lawyer, and finds out that most of what she needs to know was contained in Verna's unread letter. D'oh! It turns out that "Jed" is Heather's cousin, and that Farnsworth only found out about him a few months before Verna passed away. Verna investigated everyone who had been involved with the arson, including Heather's "parents", and decided that Heather was safer with them than she would have been in Newt.

Then Farnsworth warns Heather that LeatherJed will continue going after her, only because he doesn't know who she is yet. Oh, and Burt will be looking for her as well, now that he knows that she read the file in the police station. Right on cue, Burt enters the bar, and a buddy of his points out Heather's table.

Heather snatches up a steak knife and heads for the back exit, while Farnsworth lets Burt throw him around the bar. One of Burt's cronies hits her with his car, but she waits for him to get close to her body, then uses her knife on his face. As she gets away, they resume the chase.

She flags down a car, but it's Burt's son Carl. How gullible is she??? As expected, Carl calls his dad, who tells him to bring Heather to an old slaughterhouse out in the middle of nowhere. Leatherface also gets the address from listening to Marvin's police radio. Oh, and Farnsworth saw Heather trapped in the back of Carl's car, so he goes right to Sheriff Hooper. Gosh, I hope no one gets hurt.

As they get close to the slaughterhouse, Heather tries to  stab Carl with that handy steak knife. When he stops the car, he drags her out, then slams her face into the frame of the vehicle. She screams for help, but he ignores her cries. Then he rips her shirt open(strategically avoiding any nudity, of course...it's okay to kick pregnant women and cut people in half, but the world would collapse in on itself if they showed us boobies...), chains her hands overhead, and tapes her mouth shut.

Leatherface shows up, just as Carl meets up with Burt outside. Leatherface sneaks up behind Heatherface, then rests the dormant chainsaw blade on her shoulder. She tries to tell him who she is, but the tape makes it impossible to understand her. Yup, just like my last relationship...chains and gags ruin the mood, I guess.

As Leatherface moves in for the kill, he sees a birthmark on Heather that he recognizes. He removes her gag, and she quickly tells him that they're cousins. Yay! Family reunion time! As she continues to scream out her own name, Leatherface revs up his weapon once more, but only to cut her bindings. See? He's actually the hero!

Well, one binding came off. Before he could get the other arm free, Burt's group ambushed him. They use clubs, hammers, crowbars...everything but an actual kitchen sink. Oh, and they're leading him to a shark tank. No, not the show about inventors, but an actual shark tank!

Heather gets away, but decides to fight back. The rednecks wrap the badly-beaten Leatherface in chains, then show him the deadly fish tank. One of the goons turns on a panel that drags Leatherface toward a grinder, but Heather impales him as he leaves. The goon, not Leatherface.

Sheriff Hooper finally wanders in, and hears Heather confronting the attackers. She throws a heavy chainsaw, letting it slide over to her cousin,who takes it to fight Burt. They have a duel, but stop when Hooper is seen. Burt tells him to kill Leatherface, even as he is being cornered at the very same grinder that he was going to use on Leatherface just moments ago.

Burt gets into the machine, where he dangles over the deadly blades by holding onto the top edge. Leatherface saws off his hands, and Burt slides down to a messy death. Sheriff Hooper simply goes home, after ordering the cousins to clean up the crime scene.

They return to the mansion, and Heather uses a wet cloth to clean up Leatherface. Then he shambles off to bed. Heather reads the letter, and it explains that Leatherface is the family protector: as long as they feed and shelter him, he will help them. Heather goes down to the basement, and retrieves a plate of food, to prepare his next meal. THE END?

NOPE. There's a fast scene after the credits, showing Arlene and Sleazeball showing up unannounced on Heather's doorstep. They knock on her door, and are met by Leatherface, who threatens them with his chainsaw. Fade to Black.

Well, you take the good with the bad. While it was silly and slow, it DID get better during the final act. And seeing Leatherface as a hero was fun, as was noticing all of the references and cameos during the story. I'll give it a 3.5 out of 5.

Oh, and what did I learn?

-Always read letters.

-Cops can be complete dicks.

-Hiding in a freezer is a stupid way to die.

The next movie is called The Curse of El Charro. Honest truth, that's the title. Oh, and I'm taking an informal little survey here...If I were to start a second blog, just for movies that have been called SciFi/SyFy Channel Originals, do you guys think it would be fun? Let me know. Same format, just a different genre of films. Anyway, see you soon!

Tormented

Hi strangers! Bet ya thought I was dead, huh? Me too! Had a pretty serious wound infection back in April, followed by a near-shutdown of my kidneys. But just like Jason and Freddy, I keep coming back! So, let's get revved up to watch a movie called Tormented...and if I start lookin' pale, CALL 911!!! ;P

Aw gee, this DVD has, like a kajillion ads before the movie. This is some kind of karmic payback for being gone so long. Human Centipede is one of the trailers: Is that considered a slasher flick? If so, maybe I should add it to my list...Cool menu screen. The characters are all sitting at the bottom of the screen as if they're dead. Kinda funny, in a sick way. Man, I'm rambling waaaaay more than I used to! Oh, and SPOILERS!

Anyway, let's watch this sucker. Okay, so a young, attractive female is marched out of her school by cops(it's a British film, so maybe I should refer to them as "coppers"?), while reporters and a crowd of gawkers stand around. So I guess we know how it ends.

Then, very abruptly, the story flashes back to a funeral 3 weeks earlier. The same young woman is eulogizing a fellow student with the improbable name "Darren Mullet". She talks about him in pretty generic terms("Fine student...Loved by his family...Friend to all..." blah blah blah nonsense), causing another student to begin shouting at her, claiming that Darren was bullied and hated by his peers. Oh, and this angry kid looks like a Harry Potter reject.

So, the nerdy kid is dragged out of the church by a gym teacher, and he tells them all to rot in Hell. At the grave site for poor Mullet, the nerdy kid shows up again, and the cute girl nervously glances over at him. Then the opening credits roll, as graffiti messages like "Mullet Sucks!" are seen in the background. Heck, we're not even 5 minutes in, and I'm already entertained by this thing! That's a good sign.

Then the credits end(Oh, and don't watch them too closely--they spoil most of the kills in the movie!), and there's a scene in front of the school. 3 different groups of students are discussing the suicide, and someone mentions a party, being hosted by someone else named Bradley. "Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who..."

A goofy-looking guy named Lexy tells his friends that he's going to ask a girl named Justine to go to the party as his date. Ah, Justine was the girl giving the eulogy. And Darren Mullet's friend with the short fuse is named Jason. And there's a butterface named Sophie who tells her little group that she thinks that Justine is nice, which apparently is not what the others think. And apparently Sophie likes her smell. Uhhhhh, let's move on....

A mousy-looking girl named Helena interrupts the fun, reminding Justine that they were going to rent and watch Atonement together. Ugh. What's Atonement? That prospect is the motivation that Justine needed. She accepts the date.

Then we get transported to the party, which is in full swing. Justine arrives late, and everything comes to an abrupt halt. The deejay refers to her as the "head girl", which I'm guessing probably has a very different meaning than the image I just imagined, and implies that she's the school narc. As Justine quickly leaves the party, Lexy and his pals puts the Eminem-wannabe in his place and Lexy runs after her.

Lexy apologizes to Justine for the deejay's teasing, and asks her if she wants to head over to Helena's house to watch Atonement instead. Okay, what is up with Atonement? Is it Britain's version of the Lord of The Rings trilogy, in terms of popularity? I may have to see it just to satisfy my curiosity.

Meanwhile, Bradley and another jock(who shouts "Suck...on...my...TITTIES!) confront the kid who humiliated Justine, and kick him into the pool. He storms off, after yelling, "Fuck Darren Mullet!" Wow, what a nice kid. He climbs over a hedge to leave, just as the young couple return to the party.

Oh, and we get a brief, funny scene with Helena and her equally nerdy sidekick. They finish watching Atonement, and Helena suggests watching it again, this time with the commentary off. The expression of sheer horror on the friend's face is priceless. This movie is worth the wait, at least so far...hysterical.

At the party, Justine suggests that she and Lexy find a "quieter" room, and he's happy to oblige. Ah-bow-chicka-bow-wow! They retreat into Bradley's bedroom, which is literally covered in wall-to-wall porn. I'm serious, the walls are cvered with pictures from skin mags. The guy has more porn than Larry Flynt!

Hey, let's pause this and come *giggle* up with porn movie spoofs...The Porn Identity. Porn Yesterday. The Un-Porn. The Porning After. Children of The Porn. Porn Curtain. (Yes, I AM easily amused, why do you ask?) Last one, I promise: Porn-mented.

Lexy, whose name is actually Alex, tells Justine that this is not how he imagined their first date, and they both share a laugh. The party by now has died down, and the main group is gathered around the TV to watch Bradley play video games. Party animals!

The game is disrupted by a text message, supposedly from Darren Mullet himself. Everyone else gets a message then, and Bradley answers his phone, telling "Jason"(they assume the sender is him) that he's dead the next time they see him in school. There's no response, only heavy breathing. And he's watching the party from outside. Wrong number?

Then Alex gets a message as well: it's a smiley that gets a bullet to the forehead, with the message, "I'm going to kill you." Naturally, Alex and Justine go back to their heavy petting. Death takes a back seat to adolescent hormones.

As things start to get steamy, a psycho bursts into the bedroom. He's wearing a demented clown mask and waving a chainsaw, and the young couple freak out. The killer clown laughs like a maniac and removes the mask, revealing that it's just Bradley. The a-holes were pulling a prank on the couple. As everyone leaves the bedroom, the zombie/ghost/whatever of Darren Mullet watches them from the shadows. Then he takes a huff on an asthma inhaler.

Wait...the undead can still suffer from asthma? Are you kidding?

The deejay who was forced to leave the party early is staggering around in a graveyard, looking for Darren's grave. While he starts yelling and searching the headstones, the party group is busy toasting to Darren's memory. We then learn that Justine, who spoke at the service, didn't even remember who he was. Nice.

The drunk deejay pisses on Darren's grave, laughing and babbling the entire time. Darren takes the opportunity to sneak up on him, grabbing a sharply-pointed cross along the way. He rams it into his victim's back, forcing the pointy end to emerge through his chest. Hey, maybe Darren's a vampire slayer! Tell Buffy and Faith that they can take a day off!

At school the next day, Justine is seen wearing her "Head Girl" pin on her school uniform. This is juxtaposed with the image of Jason wearing a pin on his lapel that says "Geek". Awww, don't worry Harry, you'll beat them all in the Quidditch Tournament.

Both Justine and Jason are called to the principal's office, where Jason is ordered to apologize for his outburst at the funeral. He only complies when he's told that his parents will be called in. Oh, and the principal asks his secretary about a certain missing student, named Jeremy, aka The Deejay. His body is seen in a dumpster, as an unwitting groundskeeper covers him with grass clippings.

As Jason prepares to trudge to class, Justine stops him. She tries to make amends for not remembering who Darren was, then Jason drops a bombshell on her: Darren had been in love with her. Before he stomps away, he gives Justine Darren's suicide note. It reveals that she had teased him too, driving him to kill himself.

As Justine collides with a teacher, another confrontation takes place between Bradley and Nas, the resident punk-rocker. Bradley is mad about a website Nas created to show all of the ways Darren was bullied, and he intimidates Nas into taking it down. Remember the good ol' days, when kids just whaled on each other, and moved on?

Justine's Atonement-obsessed friends beg her to stop by that night, but she rejects them as politely as she can. Oh, and someone left a "gift" in Justine's locker--a teddy bear wearing a shirt that says "Forget Me Not". Could it be...Darren?

 As they all head to class, Bradley sees a crude drawing of a penis on a blackboard. Underneath the drawing, a message claims that "Bradley is a knob-gobbler". Bradley questions the various nerds in class, but no one admits to leaving the message. Then Bradley receives a text, showing a smiley face performing oral sex.

Alex meets up with Justine at the school library, where she's been reading and re-reading the suicide letter(inside a copy of Crime and Punishment, no less... Irony?) Alex distracts her with his goofy sense of humor, and she succumbs to his charms. She shows him the bear, assuming that it was from him, but Mullet's spirit is watching the encounter...

In their next class, Justine snubs Helena to sit with the popular girls. During a discussion of "Macbeth", Justine sees Darren watching her from a window in the next building, but she still has no idea who he is/was. Y'know, I want to like her, but she's pretty shallow.

The punk rock guy,  "Nas",  is in a soundproof booth, listening to music. At one point he removes his headphones to pretend to stand up to Bradley, as Darren watches him from Ghost World. Maybe they could team up! Fatsky and Hutch?

At the same time, the principal is giving a tour of the school, and emphasizing a new anti-bullying campaign. Ironically, Bradley and his cronies are hoping to locate and terrorize Jason. They coerce a scrawny little runt to lure Jason out of class, while they wait outside. The elderly art teacher also warns the students that a paper-slicing "guillotine" is loose, and that it could be dangerous if misused. Hmmm, foreshadowing again? Jason gets outside, sees his tormentors, and a chase ensues.

Back to Nas. He somehow managed to get tied to the chair by his own studded bracelets, and he freaks out when he sees Darren Mullet off-screen. As he screams for help, Darren cranks his music waaaay past a safe decibel level. The tour group see him writhing in his chair, and assume that he's enjoying his music. We can see that blood is trickling out of his ears.

Bradley and his fellow goon chase Jason into the gym, where Jason hides behind a small wooden wall. The bullies quickly find him, give him a wedgie, toss him around, hit him, and tell him to stop sending them the menacing text messages. Right away, Jason insists that the messages weren't from him,  and Bradley gets another text from Darren. Whoops! The coach wanders in, and tells the bullies to return to class. He then gives Jason detention, and insults him for being so weak. So much for the anti-bullying initiative. Is there anyone in this movie we can root for?

Eh, moving on...Nas is finally found, and taken away by paramedics. Before he leaves though, he screams out that Mullet is back. Then Alex gets another text from Darren, and tells Justine about the various threats he and the others have been getting since the funeral.

Jason gets to the art classroom after school, where a pervy-looking old man is telling the kooky teacher than the guillotine is missing a screw. At about the same time, Alex is trying to persuade Justine to blow off some "governor's meeting" to hang out with the popular kids, She reluctantly declines.

Before going to her meeting, Justine decides to head into the restroom. There, written in what looks like blood, is a message proclaiming that Darren will always love her. As she attempts to wipe the mirror clean, Darren appears behind her, then vanishes when she turns around. She STILL doesn't recognize him!

The next day in school, Justine is surrounded by her new best buddies. She completely ignores her former friends, who are probably still discussing Atonement. As they enter the school, they all see a message left for Bradley's girlfriend: NATASHA CUMMINGS TAKES IT UP THE ARSE.

In the cafeteria, Justine decides to sit with Jason. She asks him if the suicide note is authentic, and he gives her an earful about how difficult school can be when you're not popular. Speaking of earfuls, Bradley is making his friends laugh by using a bottle of ketchup to mock Nas and his ruptured eardrums. Man, I sincerely hope Darren Mullet rips him to shreds. Frickin' bullies, I tell ya...

Justine gets Alex alone, and shows him the suicide note. As he reads it, Bradley and the others show up, and read the note for themselves. Butterface even starts to tease Justine over Darren's confession of love. When Justine tries to get the note back, they blackmail her, then burn it. Uhhh...that's pretty ineffective blackmail, guys. Stay in school.

Darren sends more insulting messages, and they begin to suspect that the sender is Helena instead of Jason. Dumbasses. The girls decide to confront Helena, but Justine refuses to join them. Undaunted, the catty girls follow Helena into the restroom.

She tries to run, but they block her path. Then Helena swiftly scurries into one of the stalls and locks it, but that only lasts about a minute. When she emerges again, they push her around, threaten her, and smash her phone. Gosh, who will they suspect next, the art teacher?

In the swimming pool, Butterface simply tells Justine that they "talked" to Helena. Then, as Darren watches, Butterface re-enacts the day that Darren had his inhaler taken away by the bullies, and begged Justine ignored his pleas for help. She  has not a single memory of him! How is that humanly possible? It would be like having a conjoined twin, and asking,"Have we met?"

In the locker room, Butterface admits that she assumed that Justine was a lesbian. Then she suggests that Justine should have sex with Alex, probably on their next date. Yeesh! Does she want to smell her afterwards too?

Anyway, Butterface realizes that she left something at the pool. She leaves the locker room, and actually sees Darren Mullet hiding. He leaps out at her, and pushes her into the pool. As she struggles to swim, Darren leaps into the pool--CANNONBALLLLLL-- still in his suit and tie(and now wearing swim goggles, lol) and sits on Butterface at the bottom of the pool until she drowns. Funny as Hell.

On Alex and Justine's date, Alex tries to convince her that his involvement in pranks is never really voluntary. Nervous at the mention of pranks, Justine decides to check the locks on the doors and windows. Alex looks like every guy in the universe who ever got cock-blocked. Awwww...

In the kitchen she sees a message spelled out in fridge magnets: JUSTINE U R HOT. Amused, she returns to Alex and he tells her that Bradley posts all of the pranks that he pulls on a website, and that there was an entire section devoted to Darren Mullet. This somehow makes Justine trust him even more, so they screw their brains out. Darren watches from the next room, looking shocked. And still dead. He angrily rips her badge off of her school uniform. Yeah! That'll show her!

After Alex leaves, Justine finds the wilted flowers Darren had, along with another message left on the fridge: JUSTINE U R A SLUT JUST LIKE THE REST. Oh, and the big rip on her jacket, where the badge used to be. At school, she asks Alex if someone else came into the house, pranking her. Alex confronts Bradley, and it turns into a full-blown fight, until Bradley's buddy, Marcus, pulls him away.

In art class, the punks make cards to give to Nas. Then Justine is teased by Natasha about losing her virginity to Alex, and Butterface is found in the pool by several students. Wow, it's a busy day at this school, isn't it?

During practice, Marcus spies Darren in a window and gets hysterical, nearly knocking the coach over in his attempt to get away. The coach angrily sends him to the showers. As he washes up, Darren silently takes his towel, then texts him.

Marcus and Darren have a confrontation, and Darren towel-whips the jock several times. His last strike gets Marcus in the eye, dislodging the eye from the socket. Marcus covers his eye with one hand, and grabs a pole with the other, beating Darren until he falls and stops moving.

Then there's a nifty sequence showing Marcus popping his eye back into place. Behind him, Darren gets up again, and Marcus runs away, wearing his underwear halfway down his ass. He nearly collides with Helena and Mousy, who think he's trying to sexually assault them. He runs outside to the school's iron gate, where Darren lifts him into the air and shoves his chin through one of the spikes at the top of the gate.

With all of the bodies quickly piling up, Bradley and the last few friends are in a panic. Natasha and Justine get into a catfight, and Justine ends up in a swimming pool. She leaves with Alex, and Bradley decides to dig up Darren's grave.

Justine forces Alex to show her the website, and sees that he's narrating every video. She sees that she treated Mullet horribly, and feels awful about herself. She asks Alex to leave her alone. Forever!

Bradley and Natasha find the grave, and Bradley starts digging it up. He makes very little progress, and Natasha lures him back to the car, where he cries over the loss of his best friend. Natasha calms him down by seducing him. Hey, what could possibly happen to them while they screw in a car, in a graveyard, in the middle of the night?

Oh right, slasher flick. Darren shows up and drags Bradley out of the car, and gives him an instant sex-change. Natasha, in the meantime, has hurriedly put her clothes back on, then hidden in Darren's open grave. She tries to talk him out of killing her, by saying that she secretly had feelings for him, but was too shy to tell him. He reacts by decapitating her with Bradley's shovel. Her head lands in the grass next to Justine's "Head Girl" badge.

The cops find the badge(and the condom,( filled with Bradley's "Little Brad"...), while Justine seeks out Darren's friend Jason for more answers. Oh, and there's a creepy little scene showing students hurrying to get to class, unaware that the spirit of Darren Mullet is standing in the middle of the corridor.

Jason admits that he was the one who told Bradley that Darren loved Justine, just to get the bullies to focus their torture on Darren instead of him. See? Even he wasn't a nice guy! Told you so...I'll bet even Helena and Mousy turn out to be drug dealers or something just as bad, like lawyers. Anyway, Justine leaves the art class to go tell the authorities everything she now knows. As soon as she exits, Jason realizes that Darren is behind him. Well, so much for any of his future plans!

Justine meets Helena on the way, and apologizes for snubbing her. Oh, and her sidekick is "Emily"...damn, I liked the name Mousy. Khalilah brushes past them, claiming that Natasha is texting that she's in trouble in the art class, and she runs off to get killed soon. Then Helena and Emily abandon Justine, showing her what it feels like.

Back to the art classroom. Jason has 2 pencils shoved up his nostrils, and he begs Darren not to kill him. Darren pushes his head against the table, killing him slowly. Awww...have a heart, dude! He was bullied too! Not too many folks left, are there? Oh, and Justine's badge teleports to the art class. Magic!

The cops arrive to question Justine, and Khalilah gets to the art room. Darren suffocates her in a plastic sheet until she passes out, then the scene switches to Justine again, who finds Alex hiding from the killer. Man, I wish the movie was "going back to Khali, to Khali, to Khali..." (Sorry LL Cool J. Couldn't resist making that joke!)

Anyway, Alex is in hysterics. He has a screwdriver as a weapon, and he tells Justine that Bradley and Natasha were found mutilated. When she informs him that Khali supposedly had a text from Natasha, Alex decides to head to the art room as well. Justine follows close on his heels.

Khali's still alive! Darren tied her wrists down to the guillotine, so I think we can guess where this is heading...Yup! A cell phone in front of her shows a video of her slapping Darren around, as several students egg them on. She gets her hands chopped off, and tries to dial the phone with her nose. Freakin' riot.

Justine and Alex find her, then Darren finds them. They try to get somebody's attention at the window, but the only person there is Nas, reading a book called Signing For Dummies. That was a nice touch, but why does he get to live, while Jason deserves death?

Alex stabs Darren with the screwdriver, and he and Justine run away. They get to a lounge area, and bar the door, then hide. Alex tearfully confesses that he really does love Justine, and they kiss. Awww, see? I knew the guy had a conscience somewhere in there!

Then they spot Darren, who was watching. Alex rushes forward to protect Justine, but Darren knocks him to the ground and pins his hand to the floor with the screwdriver. Ow. Then he starts to strangle Justine, but has to pause to use his inhaler. Let's rewind this, and take a drink every time we see the inhaler or a reference to the movie Atonement.

Justine manages to grab the inhaler and throw it across the room, and Alex somehow pries the screwdriver out of his hand. He steps on the inhaler, and punches Darren across the room...where he lands next to both the inhaler AND the screwdriver. What were the odds? Wait...were there 2 inhalers? If not, then they needed to rethink this scene...

Alex begs Justine to save herself, and Darren begins to choke him. He then slams Alex into the floor, and raises the screwdriver for the killing blow, but Justine steps in. She begs Darren to spare Alex, because it was her fault that he killed himself. Darren looks up at her, then stabs Alex in the neck.

Justine pulls the screwdriver out then tries to stop the gusher of blood, but it's too late. She screams at Darren that he does look like Shrek, then the cops break down the door and find her. Darren is finally gone. Justine is arrested in front of the entire school, and they all just stare at her in shocked silence. Then Justine looks back at the building, and Darren is watching through one of the windows. Justine goes bonkers.

The credits start to roll, but there's one more scene to go: The coach is tormenting the team, and sends them out to run laps. He finds Darren at the back of the room, sitting down on the floor, and starts to yell at him as well. Then Darren hands him a note, excusing him from running laps because he's dead. Darren stands up, and the coach realizes that he's screwed. THE END

Man, this one was worth the wait! Great comedy-horror, and a lot of variety as well. Only half a point off for having no one to root for. Still, a 4.5 killer trees out of 5 is still a terrific movie. Maybe I should almost die more often...

And what did I learn?

-Asthma will haunt you even after you die.

-Porn makes interesting wallpaper.

- Atonement. Atonement. Atonement. That is all.

-Bonus one: You can tell what a person's disposition is just by sniffing them.

It really is nice to be back. If my silly crap makes even 1 person laugh, then it's worth it. I better go before I get sappy. Take care, guys...see you next week! Oh, and the next movie is either Home Sick or the most recent Texas Chainsaw film. I had to move Smiley back a bit, but I'll see it someday.

The Hunters

Ever watch a movie that was described as one thing, only to discover that it was actually something else? Well, if it annoys you as much as it does me, then skip watching The Hunters altogether. It's not  the movie described on the envelope, that's for sure. Anyway, enjoy the following SPOILERS...

The opening scene shows some dude sneaking around near a rock wall. He seems pretty afraid of whatever he's avoiding. After a few seconds, we can hear why: He can hear frightened screams coming from all around him. Creepy.

Then we switch over to a father and son out hunting. The title comes up, and another hunter arrives. It turns out that the dad is Oliver, and he's stressed out by both his marriage and work-related stuff. The other guy hears something, and it turns out to be Oliver's son, Ronny, and another man named Bernard.

Then we meet a guy named LeSaint, a French-Canadian cop. He meets his new boss, Bernard, who we just met with his hunting buddies a few days ago. Le Saint would like to pursue a lead he thinks he has on several missing persons cases, but Bernard orders him to meet with a mob informant instead.

That night, LeSaint has a flashback to an incident back when he was a soldier in Iraq, when an explosive nearly killed him. That somehow turns into a sex dream, then into a nightmare where he's limping down a hall, under a red light. I hope that wasn't important because it flew over my head!

We see Oliver again, hard at work installing software for a busy office building. Oh, and then he and his hunting buddies discuss going out again that weekend. This movie makes watching paint dry seem compelling.

LeSaint goes jogging, and chats with Alice, a cute female who goes jogging along the same route. They flirt, then she tells her friends about him at dinner. Oh, and Oliver is at the same restaurant. He and the group with Alice all get "fortune scrolls" from a grinning homeless man, and all are drawings of a skeleton.

LeSaint goes to work, and tells his boss that the mayor has given him permission to investigate the disappearances. Bernard goes nuts and screams at him. LeSaint meets his cute jogging body, and she gives him something that she baked. He eats it, then tells her that it sucked. Oh, and she tells him that her name is Alice. See that? Insult her cooking, and she's putty in your hands.

Everyone in the precinct is hurrying out on a bust when LeSaint returns from his run, and he gets a call from his informant when he's alone. They make plans to meet at an old historical site, Fort Goben.

Lesaint has more nightmares, then heads to his meeting at Fort Goben. He sees one guy lingering, but the stranger keeps moving. Another man speeds by on a dirt bike, and a few stragglers just stare at the cop.

LeSaint hears screams and voices inside, and it turns out to be Ronny and Oliver. Oliver spots LeSaint, and he warns him that the property is private. When the cop mentions the screams he heard, the others get nervous, and warn him away again.

LeSant starts to go, and meets his informant having his lunch on a bench. They decide to leave together, but the exit is chained shut. Behind them, at the entrance to the fort grounds, the hunters are waiting for them. The armed foursome split up, with 2 running to the left of the doorway, and the other 2 heading right.

Francois(the informant) shoots down the chains on the door, but there's a drawbridge still preventing them from escaping. Francois tries to flank some of the hunters, but a single shot literally tears his leg off. Then another weapon sets him on fire.

Alone now with the hunters, LeSaint tries to get away, and is hit in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. He wakes up next to a fire. and sees the hunters doing weird shit, before he passes out again. When he wakes up again, he grabs a torch and decides to explore the nearest tunnel.

He hears somebody screaming, and witnesses a guy getting beaten to a pulp, then beheaded. The killer takes the head to a "trophy room", and adds it to the collection. Then the killer leaves, giggling and ranting.

LeSaint explores the room after he goes, and realizes that he was right about the disappearances. Then he finds himself facing the killer, who is doing a drugged-out sort of dance, before playing with another severed head. The guy laughs and runs around the room, making LeSaint dizzy.

Then the killer vanishes, and reemerges dressed in black and wearing a ski mask. They fight hand-to-hand, and the killer grabs an ax. It gets caught up in a chain, and LeSaint manages to plunge the killer's new weapon into his chest, leaving the deranged lunatic to die a painful death.

LeSaint calls Bernard, unaware that his boss is one of the hunters. He tells his boss everything he knows, and Bernard assures him that help is on the way. Oh, and he tells Bernard(and the other hunters) that he will dress in the clothes of the hunter that he just killed. After the call, the hunters freak out, one of them(Ronny) cries like a baby, and Bernard tries to get them all back on track. To sum it up...they're all bonkers.

LeSaint reverts back to his army training, and uncovers some booby traps. In an ionic twist, Bernard also sees the new traps, and realizes that his team has been spending extra time at the fort without him. Anyway, LeSaint dresses as William, and begins looking for the others. Oliver and Stephen "pretend" to recognize "William", but it's obvious that LeSaint is a dead duck. He takes off, and they chase him.

LeSaint leaps down a small incline, then skids down a steeper one, removing the ski mask along the way. He has a shoot out with Oliver, then hits Stephen with a stray bullet. That pisses off Oliver, who exposes himself to open fire, and gets hit in the shoulder. That causes his next bullet to go astray, killing his son. As he fires wildly at LeSaint out of grief, Oliver is killed by the cop.

Bernard watches Ronny have a nervous breakdown, and just follows and watches. Then we meet a young couple, David and Alice. Whoops, we already met Alice. LeSaint finds them, and freaks out. He urges them to leave, and pulls out his weapon.

As the pair exit the fort, loony Ronny pulls his rifle out, and aims it at several areas of the guy's body. He knocks Alice to the ground, then shoots the boyfriend in the chest. Ronny corners Alice, but LeSaint gets him with about 7 rounds or so at point blank. Then the cop gets Alice to leave, so he can handle the aftermath.

But first, Bernard needs to be finished off. He does it to himself, by stepping on a pressurized landmine. BOOM! Several clips of the hunters are shown, and they seem to be having a grand time in the past. Maybe a magical film strip can bring them back as goofballs.

Months later, LeSaint is sitting in a coffee shop, staring off into space. Then Alice strolls in, and they sit together. She asks him again to reveal his name to her. THE END

This thing was pretty generic, to the point where it almost seemed to be a TV-movie. It probably was, for some Canadian network. Not the worst, but not even close to the best. I'm giving this one 2.5 trees, ya hoser!

And what did I learn from The Hunters?

-Well, apparently 1 movie can have about 6,000 different plot descriptions, and none of them can get it right!

-Everyone needs a trophy room filled with human heads.

-If you need to have a confidential rendezvous, DON'T go to an old fort!

Coming up next is either a very promising-looking movie called Smiley, or an equally creepy-looking one called Tormented. Which will it be?

Phantom of The Mall: Eric's Revenge

Okay, so this week, I'm a little bit discombobulated. I'm moving to a new apartment this week, and things here are half-packed, and pretty crazy. Anyway, while I have a moment to relax, here's this week's movie...Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge! Get ready for massive SPOILERS...

The opening scene leaves us in the dark, literally speaking. There's a figure removing items from a mannequin and stealing a crossbow, until a security guard discovers him. The mysterious intruder kills the guard, and then the opening credits roll. This movie is like the slasher-movie version of The Love Boat: among the supporting cast, we have Rob Estes, Ken Foree, Morgan Fairchild, and even Pauly Shore!

After the credits(which are shown in front of flames...Did a screensaver kick in?), there's a generic ground-breaking ceremony on the day the mall opens. Yay. An enthusiastic crowd is at the ceremony, and they're all acting like the President is there as well.

At a restaurant called Sleuth's(?), a teen named Melody is busy interviewing for a waitress position. Then we head back to the ceremony, as Mayor Karen(Morgan Fairchild) unveils a replica of the mall, and reveals plans to build many more features on to it.

Then Melody finds her best friend Suzie, and they decide to celebrate Melody's successful interview. As the Mayor wraps up her speech, a young photojournalist (A young...er version of Rob Estes) sees the 2 girls, and decides that a grown man getting candid shots of teenagers isn't creepy in the least. He's the Woody Allen of journalism!

Eric the Phantom is watching the whole thing from an air duct. He crawls away to his secret lair, and circles July 4th on his calendar, the date of another mall-related publicity stunt. I hope nothing else big is happening on that date. Then he cuts apart a mannequin head's face, to make himself a mask. So, just to make this clear...He can steal a calendar and enough stuff to build a comfy little room, but he can't just steal one simple mask? Huh???

The girls head to a yogurt shop run by their friend Buzz, played by a young, normal-sounding Pauly Shore. He prepares a dessert order, then he unintentionally contaminates it with something pinkish that looks like either stretched-out gum or a retainer. Either way, I'll never go to a frozen yogurt stand after today!

Mayor Karen just happens to be wandering by with a crowd of journalists(Okay, seriously, this is more media coverage than we saw at Pope Benedict's retirement party! WHY???), and Photographer Pete gets to take another picture of his next date-rape victim. He's much creepier than our Phantom, man!

Eric moves through his "tunnel", while Pete flirts with Melody. He mentions that he was the journalist who took her photo during the aftermath of the fire that claimed her boyfriend, and he reminds her that she saw someone suspicious at the scene. The memory upsets her, and Pete apologizes for bringing it up. They both agree that there may have been a conspiracy to cover up the crime.

As Melody opens her employee locker, she finds a bouquet of pink orchids, the same flowers that Eric used to surprise her with. Eh, probably just a coincidence. Oh, and there's a brief flashback to a time when Melody's boyfriend wasn't a scarred-up, psychotic stalker, but just a nice guy buying his nice girlfriend some nice flowers. Nice.

Suzie and Buzz swoop in awkwardly, and Buzz suggests that he and Pete speak privately, while Suzie and Melody do the same. Buzz then advises Pete to find another girl to date, because of Melody's troubled past. Hey Buzz, how 'bout you "you" off...

A tightwad named Harv, who has a lot riding on the financial success of the mall, tries to tell his headbanger son to exit the premises, because the kid wrecked his car. They have a quiet spat, and the son leaves. Fascinating plot development.

Buzz tells Pete about the night Eric "died", and the headbanger rudely brushes past them. Then Pete asks Buzz if the fire at Eric's house was arson. Like Buzz would know! He can't even keep his frozen yogurt from getting crap in it!

Up in the air ducts, Eric sees a maintenance worker crawling around ahead of him. He sneaks up on the worker, then forces his face through some fast-moving fan blades. Harv, who just happens to be standing underneath the very section where the murder is occurring, hears some of the assault, but isn't quite sure of what he's hearing. Sharp guy, that Harv.

In a clothing store's changing room, Suzie, Melody, and a few others are getting gratuitously nude, as a security guard watches on a security cam.  His co-worker warns him that Harv is coming in, so the screen gets switched off. A second later, Harv arrives, asking them to check the ventilation ducts for "knocking noises". As soon as he leaves, they switch the monitor back on...right before the perv is told to leave and investigate the air vent noises.

Pervy, being true to his nature, decides to crawl right on over the vent to the changing room. He giggles and makes dumb jokes, then goes to a restricted area of the mall to investigate. He emerges from the tunnel into a high voltage area, where the knocking seems to be louder. From out of the shadows, Eric pushes a cart into the poor guy, pinning him to an electrical panel. One of Pervy's eyes explodes out of his head, and lands in a container of frozen yogurt. I wonder if the writer of Clint Howard's Ice Cream Man  drew inspiration from this scene?

There's also a short, pointless scene where we see Melody and Suzie leave the clothing store. They pass by a piano player, who wishes them a good evening. Wasn't that worthy of wasting 1 minute of screen time? Any random shoppers want a line or two?

Anyway, we switch back to Harv. Mayor Karen walks into his office to congratulate him on a successful opening day, and offers him a seat on the city council. Fun Fact: the actor playing Harv is also the Dos Equis guy...Stay thirsty, my friends!

After the mayor makes her exit, the mutilated corpse of the security guy falls through the ceiling, landing on Harv's desk. Then we watch Suzie and Melody leave the mall and part ways. Melody's car won't start, When she gets out to look under the hood, a figure in black assaults her! Eric?

Nope. The Phantom is watching from a distance. As Melody tries to push her attacker away, Eric uses a crossbow to fire an arrow into the stranger's shoulder. The mayor drives up, and the would-be rapist escapes.

We see the body on Harv's desk up close, and there's a note on his uniform: AN EYE FOR AN EYE. Harv makes a phone call, and tells the person on the other end that he may need to hire him/her "again", which sounds rather ominous. Maybe it's a Stripper-gram. Or not.

Melody tells the mayor everything she can remember about her attacker, and includes the bit about the arrow. The mayor offers to drive her home, while she contacts the police herself. Do I smell a cover-up? Maybe...or just a stinky script.

Pete does some research, and finds an article about the fire. Then he has a flashback(pretty nifty, considering he wasn't there) where we see a scuzzy dude starting the fire at Eric's place. That segues into a scene where Eric and Melody are making love, which is treated like soap opera sex.

The music takes on a sinister tone, and Melody realizes that she saw who the arsonist was. And now he's screwing her in her dream. It all has to do with some earring, believe it or not. Then she wakes up.

Buzz and Pete meet up at the mall again, and they each need to do something important. Meanwhile, Eric is in his hideout, practicing some kickboxing moves. Someone wake me up when something interesting happens. I'm assuming no one will be waking me in the near future.

Harv tells the security chief that he fired Pervy last night, to keep the murder a secret. Then he hears that a third guard also went missing, which throws him...well, off-guard. He quickly tries to cover that up as well. This would have made a great Oliver Stone script!

Harv's son, meanwhile, is humping a pinball machine in the arcade. Remember the days when pinball was played in an arcade, instead of in a video game? The kid waits for the proprietor to leave his position at the front counter, then breaks into the machine to steal quarters. Bet he dies soon. Harv sees him in the mall, and flips out. He walks over to yell at his son, only to get a face full of soda spraying from a can. The son strolls away, laughing, while Harv tries to clean himself up.

Eric does more fight moves, while playing his and Melody's "song". Oh, and he watches a video of her, made up of stalker footage. How, um...romantic? Yeah, not so much.

Buzz takes Pete to the security area, and plays him some Hawaiian-sounding muzak. As Pete prepares to walk out, Buzz reveals that there are subliminal messages beneath the tune, urging customers to spend large amounts of money. Pete admits that the tape is creepy, but not illegal.

He starts to leave again, then sees a shifty character wearing a security uniform. It's the guy from Melody's nightmare, which, again, I must point out Pete wasn't a witness to. Pete runs out of the room, and tracks down the guy. He takes a photo of him, then the creepy guard decides to chase him.

They run around in different areas of the mall, like a food court and some escalators, until Pete narrowly escapes into a glass elevator. As he relaxes, the guard hangs upside-down on the top of the elevator, and even makes a comical snarling sound. I hate to admit this, but this movie's entertaining in a really dumb way.

Off of the elevator, the chase resumes. The shady pursuer collides with a guy hauling boxes, and stops chasing Pete long enough to get into a fistfight. Pete thinks he gave the guy the slip. He didn't, but he did find the mayor, and the creepy guy slips away.

Buzz flirts with a cute customer, and gives her a free yogurt. As she leaves, she finds the eyeball from earlier, and assumes that Buzz was pulling a prank. Only in a movie, would someone be this dumb. Wait a sec, someone did pull a stunt like this once, except that it involved a severed finger and some chili. So, even in reality, people are that dumb.

Melody starts up a jukebox, and it begins playing her "song". Then Pete arrives, and informs her that he may have a picture of her attacker. They talk about all of the strange things that have been happening to her, but neither can provide a logical answer to any of it. If they did, we could end this early...

Anyway, Mayor Karen and the head of mall security walk by the food court, and are discussing the mysterious attacker from the night before. The weird piano player overhears them, and decides to go on a coffee break. Oh, and Phantom Eric is watching. Maybe he's hoping for a piano rendition of his signature song.

The piano man(with apologies to Billy Joel...) enters an employees-only restroom, while Eric fiddles with the pipes nearby. It turns out that our meek musician is also Melody's would-be rapist! Crazy, huh? But yeah, he has the bloody shoulder wound to prove it.

He looks at his bloody shirt, sighs, then steps into a stall. When he sits on the toilet, a snake(maybe a cobra?) rears up between his legs, and gives the guy a fatal bite. What a classy way to die. I was kind of hoping that maybe, just maybe, he die in a toilet-geyser, or something like that.

Pete and Melody discuss how to discover the mystery stalker's identity, and sparks fly between them. There's nothing more romantic than a murderous lunatic watching your every move. The Phantom gets jealous, and smashes his mirror. Jealousy may be ugly, but Phantom Eric is uglier.

Harv's son returns to the mall, and spots Melody at work. He watches her for a little bit, then tries to pick her up. Eric sees the encounter and gets pissed, but Harv arrives to force his son off the premises.b As Justin(Harv's son...I decided to browse the Web until I could find his name) makes his way to the exit, he sees a skateboard, just sitting out in the open, waiting for someone to snatch it up. The Phantom moves through his dark passages, as Justin tries out some "rad" and "extreme" moves on his skateboard. I'm hip to the kids and their jive, man.

Eric stands at the top of an escalator, and whips a makeshift lasso around overhead, then loops it around Justin's neck. As the teen struggles to free himself, Phantom Eric gets the other end of the rope caught in the escalator belt, so that it pulls Justin upstairs to his doom. See? THIS is how the toilet murder should have gone down!

Justin tries to get some slack on the cord, but it won't give. His choking noises sound like the snarling rasps the victims made in Motel Hell...Boy, we've seen a shitload of these things together, huh? As Justin reaches the top, he coughs up some blood, then dies. Damn...was anybody else hoping for a decapitation? Oh well, it was still pretty nifty.

Melody and Pete talk some more about the investigation, as Eric drags Justin through his tunnels. Pete urges Melody to do everything she can to remember more details about the night of the fire, no matter how traumatizing the memories might be.

She remembers getting orchids, playing that insipid song, making out...then BOOM, Eric is suddenly a crispy critter. He helped her to escape through a window, even as he was burning, and then Melody fell to the ground, and got knocked out.

There is one extra detail, though: Before she passed out completely, Melody saw the arsonist standing in front of her. He planned to finish her off, but approaching sirens made the firebug skittish. Anyone smell burning steak? I think Eric is well done by now.

Pete suggests that Harv hired the arsonist. Then Melody suggests that maybe Eric survived the fire. Before they can plan a next step, the arsonist finds them and holds them hostage. In an awesome twist, the arsonist is played by the same actor who plays Mac's dad on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It'd be funny if they turned out to be the same character!

Somehow, Pete manages to drive away, but the arsonist is in hot pursuit. The cars both speed through the mall's parking garage, and eventually Phantom Eric leaps onto the killer's car to help Pete and Melody get away. The crazy arsonist crashes his car, but also escapes as it burns up.

Pete and Melody dig up Eric's grave, and find it empty. They run to the mayor for help, while the arsonist reports his failed mission to Harv. Then Melody has another dream about knockin' boots with Eric, and he turns into Pete. Then Pete turns into the hired thug, and Melody wakes up. Is anyone else wondering if this thing will ever end? It seems like we've seen every scene 2-3 times now, with no resolution in sight.

Eric returns to the boiler room area, and it looks like he's setting up a bomb. Melody spots the thug, but he captures her before she can finish warning Pete. He drags her away, but Eric arrives to stop him. The 2 killers spar, and Eric nearly gets decapitated by a trash compactor door, but he finds a reserve of super-human strength, and forces the door back up again.

Eric then puts the other man in the same spot, but finishes the job. Oddly enough, it's the most bloodless kill so far. Eric realizes that Melody has escaped, and races off to locate her.

Buzz runs into Pete at the mall party, and rambles on about some "great idea", but Pete just wants to find Melody. Then Harv discovers the severed head of his hired goon, just after the security chief leaves. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Buzz finds Suzie, and drags her away to search for Melody. Then there are several shots of Eric's tunnels, and we finally see Melody, out cold, in his hideout. She wakes up as Eric's prisoner, and sees that he's been watching and recording her every move.

She hears the noise of his exercise equipment, and manages to find him by following the sound. The former lovers finally reunite, and Eric removes his mask, so that Melody can see the extent of the damage to his face. Eric vows to always protect her, and she touches his face. Awwww...

At the dinner Party, Pete asks around about Melody, but no one has seen her. Meanwhile Buzz and Suzie gain access to the security room, when Buzz distracts the guard by mooning him on a nearby camera. After all of the horrifying things I've seen in slasher films, this is the one that that I find the most disturbing.

When the guard leaves his post, they sneak in. Within minutes, they locate Melody's keys, and rush off to that particular hallway to pick up the trail. Yeesh, this is turning into Nancy Drew.

Eric tries to woo Melody, but she admits that she has feelings for Pete now. Eric runs away, probably to do something with his bomb. Meanwhile, Pete, Buzz, and Suzie are all closing in. Eric sets the bomb to explode in 30 minutes, Buzz and Suzie crawl around in the tunnels, unaware that Eric is now up there as well. Oh, and Pete spies rats feeding on a body, and decides to move faster.

Eric promises Melody that when the bomb goes off they can be together forever. Pete faces a snake on his way to rescue her, but he gets away unbitten. He finally finds the lair, and Melody watches her 2 boyfriends roll and and brawl. Melody stuns Eric by confessing that she loves Pete, and Pete uses the momentary distraction to knock him out.

They get back into the tunnels, but Eric wakes up. Buzz and Suzie reunite with Pete and Melody, and they work together to get back into the mall. Pete and Melody find and warn the mayor about the bomb, and she pulls out a gun....Huh?

Buzz and Suzie, in the meantime steal some kind of ATV, and go careening through the mall. As the mayor prepares to shoot her captives, Eric grabs her, and throws her through a window. Heh. Pete uses an intercom to evacuate the building, as Eric chases Melody up into the rafters.

The security chief shoots Eric several times, but he lands safely in front of Harv. He shows Harv his scarred visage, then kills the rich asshole with a blowtorch. Hey, maybe Harv survives, and ends up stalking Eric! Then we'd have Phantom of The Phantom of The Mall: Harv's Wrath!

Buzz and Suzie rescue Pete and Melody, and they speed out of the mall, just seconds before it blows to smithereens. The media goes nuts, and Melody and Pete celebrate being alive. In the wreckage, Eric looks dead, but his eye appears to open. THE END

Well....not unbearable, but not entirely successful either. Some of it was cheesy fun. The kills were varied enough, and Pauly Shore was mostly watchable for once, which was a surprise. 3.75 killer trees out of 5.

And what did Phantom of the Mall teach me about the slasher genre this time around?

-Even the Dos Equis guy had to start at the bottom.

-Pop music from the '80's sucked ass.

-If you survive a house fire, go live at the mall.

Next up is something called The Hunters. I'll post it when I can, but all of the hassle of this move is killing me. I'll post it soon, I promise.

Detenti...nope, The Nun!

Wow...been quite a while since the last SAW, huh? Sorry about that! I've been in the process of moving from one apartment to another, and everything "extracurricular" has had to be put on hold for a little bit. Also, the last movie I selected, Detention, turned out to be narrative-proof.

Seriously! Among the many random elements the movie had, it featured(in no particular order): a stuffed grizzly bear statue that was revived and abducted by aliens; a student who was slowly turning into a fly; a slasher flick within a slasher flick within ANOTHER slasher flick; a cheesy 1980's body-switching comedy; another student who was in detention for 19 years; and time travel. There's a shitload more, but it would take years to dissect every element of the film.

So...instead, I popped in a nice, simple, non-brain-tumor-causing movie called The Nun. It's slashery, it's simple, and it can be described. Thank the Gods! Oh, and it's time for some real SPOILERS...

Our movie begins with the credits alternating between a murky body of water, and some yellow pages from an old book. Then we meet our cast of victims, female students at a parochial school. There's Joanna, Zoe, Eulalia(I shit you not, that's her name), Susan, and Mary. As the film begins, the girls are all smoking together in a classroom(except for Eulalia, a disabled girl who is standing guard at the door), until their teacher, Sister Ursula, nearly catches them in the act.

She lectures the girls about their lack of discipline, then moves to front blackboard, and writes "SIN", in letters big enough to be seen on the surface of Mars. One of the girls tries to hide a love letter in one of her books, but Sister Ursula hears her, finds the romantic note, and rips it to shreds. Yeah! Take THAT, human emotions!

You'd think that would be the end of the incident...Nope! the enraged nun grabs the frightened girl by her neck, and lifts her out of her seat like the Nuninator. She then uses her Hulk-like rage to slam the girl into a wall, and growls at her in a demonic voice.

Alas, this highly entertaing chaotic scene is just a nightmare sequence. The girl, now an adult, sits straight up in her bed. Damn, I was loving the idea of a demon-possessed nun terrorizing high school girls.

Then we get jolted away to a  loud, obnoxious prom or formal school dance. There, we meet Julia, a short-haired brunette; Eve, an attractive blond; Joel, who is making a prom night video; Artie, a wide-eyed doofus-y guy...and a few more whose name I haven't caught yet.

Joel listens to his friends yammer on and on about a trip to Spain, then takes his camera in search of the ever-elusive girl that Artie wants but can't have. He sneaks up on her make-out session, then watches as a water pipe bursts, drenching the horny couple in toilet water. Fun.

Eve's mother turns out to be Mary, the sleeping woman in the previous scene. She's restless, and decides to rummage through some of her old stuff from high school. Scattered in the pile is a newspaper article about a woman in London, who apparently died in a fire. Hmmm...could this have been the work of a certain Nun?

Mary hears a noise, and assumes that Eve has come back from the dance. Finding the house empty, Mary steps into the bathroom, where the faucet is dripping. As she calls out to her daughter, she discovers that a plant has fallen off of a countertop, spilling water in the living room. Idon't think this movie has enough water in every scene.

She then enters the kitchen, where the sink is overflowing with water. As Mary tries to use a plunger in the sink and clean up the mess, the water in the sink begins to flow up toward the ceiling. Mary sees her daughter pull into the driveway, then Sister Ursula bursts out of the water to lunge at her. Eve walks into the house just in time to see The Nun slit her mother's throat, before crashing out of the nearest window.

The cops arrive, and Eve describes the apparition that killed her mom, even suggesting that it resembled a nun. The lead detective assumes that Eve was drinking at the dance, takes a statement from her friend Julia, and we learn that Eve doesn't know the identity of her father. Julia tells him that Mary probably  committed suicide, because she had previously tried to kill herself, back when Eve was only about 5 years old.

There's an extremely brief flashback showing Eve glancing through that book we saw in the credits, then the movie picks up the story again in Barcelona. We catch up with the adult version of Eulalia, who lives in Spain, She gets a call from Zoe, who fills her in on the current body count.

At her mother's grave, Eve is encouraged by Julia to go along with her friends to Spain. Then the adult version of Christy shows up at the graveyard. She warns Eve that there have been other deaths, and that she and Mary were supposed to attend a reunion of sorts, with their best friends from Catholic school. Christy then hands her a business card, and they part ways.

Eve finds the school memorabilia that her mother was poring over on the evening of her death, and decides to look through the pile. There, tucked away among the old pictures and papers, she finds a love letter, a possible clue to the identity of her father. The author of the short letter is somebody by the name of Miguel.

Christy wraps up a phone call with Eulalia, promising to see her in Barcelona. When she hangs up the phone, we see a small puddle of water starting to take form on the bed. Uh oh...guess who won't be going to Spain?

She steps into the bathroom, and gets splashed when her hotel room's toilet sprays water into her face. This movie has a toilet fetish...and it's not as much kinky fun as you might think! I may get more grossed out by these scenes, as opposed to the actual killings.

Christy calls the front desk, and we can see The Nun morphing out of more levitating water in the bathroom mirror's reflection. Pretty cool effect, actually. Of course, Christy doesn't see a thing...the characters never do.

She slips on her bathrobe, and decides to leave the hotel room. Once she's in the hallway, she actually sees The Nun floating down a corridor, and gets understandably upset. She backs away until she gets to the elevator, and hurries inside.

While this is happening, Eve arrives in the hotel lobby. The elevator starts to fill up with water, and now Christy is really scared. The elevator stops between floors, and as Christy tries to pull herself up to the floor level, the door chops her arms off! Pretty nifty effects, too. The elevator then opens up at the lobby, where Eve gets a bird's-eye view of the stumpy corpse. As a really nutty way to end the scene, the elevator door closes again, which probably means that some random hotel guest is about to get a really memorable souvenir of their visit! 2 guests, actually...after all, we can't forget and the arms!

On the plane to Spain, there is mainly rain. Eve sees The Nun outside the tiny window, but it's another nightmare scene. Oh, and during the flight, there is a massive storm going on. Oddly enough, Spain appears to be the sunniest place in the world, when the plane finally lands. I guess the rain over Spain mainly hit the plane.

Eve decides to begin her investigation into The Nun right away, getting a ton of reference material from, in another ironic twist, a nun. Eve looks up her mother's old classmates in an old yearbook, and begins to match the old pictures with more current ones, as well as numerous articles about their deaths.

As Eve decides to make photocopies of some of the articles, a young man named Gabriel offers to translate them for her. He happens to also be studying to join the priesthood, so the information about the school(which has since been closed), is right up his alley.

Gabriel meets Eve and her friends a local nightclub, where he provides her with the translations that he promised. Her friends discover that Gabe is joining the priesthood, and crack jokes about it until he leaves. Oh, and the nightclub is filled with tanks of water, so expect a massive slaughter soon...

Eve catches up with Gabriel, and he confesses that he's joining the priesthood because of a traumatic driving accident. Meanwhile, Eulalia is feeding her dog, clipping her toenails, and drawing herself a bath. Of course, the water goes haywire, but eventually Eulalia gets it under control-ish. It feels like the camera crew just filmed everything that ever happened, then left the compelling footage on the floor of the cutting room.

She finds her dog dead, though. Except that it's just messing around with her head, gets up, and strolls away... Eulalia limps back into the bathroom, and finds the faucet in the tub running again. She switches it off yet again, and sits wearily on the bathroom floor, completely oblivious to the fact that The Nun has popped out of the tub behind her.

Seriously, The Nun just stays the like that, waiting patiently for Eulalia to turn around and see her. I kinda wished that she had said "Boo!" and made a silly face to cap it off. This movie is the best kind of "WTF?" there is. It's like The Blair With is pulling a move out of The Matrix. How long can she stay stuck like that?

Eve, of course, decides to visit Eulalia at that very moment, just because. She finds the disabled woman's corpse, crucified. She and Gabriel rush out of there as fast as they can. In the car, Gabriel, Eve and her friends Joel and Julia debate whether or not to tell the police what they know, and whether or not to warn the few survivors who are left. Then they run the car off the road to avoid a crash, and the car won't restart.

They walk home in the rain(!!!), only to panic when they can't find Susan or Zoe. There's a power outage, so they briefly switch on the video camera for night vision...and we get a cheap scare involving a flock of birds. Those mutha-flockin' birds, on that mutha-flockin' plane, man.

Eve finds Susan and Zoe wandering around, and she tries to warn them about The Nun. The adult pair then confess that The Nun can't be the killer...because they and their friends killed her back when they were students at the school. In a flashback, we see all of the girls doing something wild and crazy: drinking milk in the school's kitchen late at night. Those wacky rebels. They soon realize that Mary is missing from the group, and then they hear noises in the distance.

They find Mary being attacked by The Nun, and force her off of the frightened girl. In the scuffle, The Nun slips, hits her head, and falls into a tub full of water. The teenagers are stunned, then even more shocked when she opens her eyes. As The Nun attempts to sit up again, the girls decide, as a group, to drown her once and for all.

They take the body outside, and make it look like she slipped on a bridge and drowned in a local pond or lake. Then the flashback ends, and they wonder what their next move should be. One character even describes the predicament as I Know What You Did 18 Summers Ago. Heh. They wish.

Eve and Gabriel decide to poke around in the living quarters that The Nun and the students used to occupy. Eve tells him that part of her past is a mystery, because she has repressed memories. Meanwhile, Joel and Julia work on getting the power restored.

Gabriel and Eve decide to explore each other instead of the bedrooms. Nice way to prioritize, you dumbasses! Luckily, the lights come back on, and they decide to stop goofing around. Oh, and Susan and Zoe just stand around chatting. "So...what have you been up to since we murdered a nun as teenagers?"

Gabriel decides to leave Eve alone in the bedroom, and she sees water in the bed. Then a shape forms, and Eve has her lost memory restored. Gabriel returns, and he calms her down. Everyone else then joins them, and the pair reveal that they have discovered paintings depicting saints. Each of the murder victims was named after a saint, and the murders were all recreations of how each saint died.

Zoe then pulls a "Jennifer Love Hewitt", taunting the ghostly killer to finish what she started. She takes off down the hallway, and the others rush after her. Man, this thing is getting kookier by the second! Susan is left alone with Eve, and tells the teen that she and her friends are somehow responsible for The Nun coming back. She locks herself in a section of the old building to distance herself from the rest of the group, then freaks out as she realizes how utterly stupid that idea was. Susan Einstein, Resident Genius.

Susan's "alone time" doesn't last very long. As she races around the room, potential exits mysteriously begin to shut and lock on her. Meanwhile, the others catch up to Zoe, who is testing out random objects as potential weapons. Then she and the other couple finally realize that they abandoned Susan and Eve. Oops!

And speaking of Susan...the floor around her is suddenly getting very watery. She tries to use the Power of Prayer, but The Nun lunges at her, and passes through her body, Thinking that the prayer kept her safe, Susan doesn't realize that the spirit is behind her. The Nun grabs Susan, pushes her forward, and breaks a glass door, decapitating her victim in the process.

Then here's another flashback, showing The Nun abusing Mary with a shower head. Then, back to the plot. The surviors decide to shut off the water supply, and keep the pipes empty. An accident with one of the pipes reveals Gabriel to Joel. He looks like he was impaled on a pipe.

The water starts to flow again, and The Nun attacks Zoe. Then Eve devise the dumbest plan eve heard in he history of planning...Eve is going to explore, while Julia sits underwate, trying to lure The Nun into killing her. These folks are dead from the neck up.

Joel finds Julia and rescues her, then tells her that the killer is actually Eve. She seems to believe that The Nun is inside her, because she learned when she was a little girl that her mother had killed The Nun. In flashbacks, we see the murders, with Eve present at every scene somehow. Yeah, so this teenager went to London, New York, Barcelona, and wherever else, and managed to kill around 10 people without anyone ever getting suspicious. And believe  it or not, that's where the movie just grinds to a halt. THE END...Oh, and Eve ends up killing herself. Yay.

Geez, this one had a great concept and killer, but a terrible plot. And way, waaaaaay too many characters to keep track of as well. The Nun should have had more scenes, and not been a figment in a person's head. A near miss. 2 out of 5.

And what did I learn from The Nun?

-Ghost nuns look damn creepy!

-Guys training to become priests still want to "get some".

-Teens with mental disorders can teleport whenever the need arises.

Next movie on my queue is Phantom of the Mall, which sounds pretty odd. Cross your fingers!