Jack the Reaper

Man, I must have the world's worst karma....I had a billing issue with Netflix, almost ended up canceling the account, couldn't find a good(bad?) slasher on ComCast, tried YouTube for a few hours...and I'm back at Netflix. Crazy, right?

Anyway, I was hoping to watch a free movie on cable, but the one I wanted cost 4 bucks. On a channel I already subscribe to! Luckily, after I re-jiggered Netflix a bit, the very same film turned out to be available as a streaming movie, so I win either way. Which is my circuitous way of saying that today's SAW is Jack the Reaper. Yup, it's "Reaper", as opposed to "Ripper". I can already tell it's going to suck like a straw....it's taken me more effort to set it up than it probably took to MAKE the damned film. Fun, not-exasperated-at-all SPOILERS up ahead!

Yeesh, the opening credits for the production logo are already making me regret this choice. It's "A MAD CRAPPER PRODUCTION", complete with a crudely drawn jogger taking, yes, a crap. Seriously, why do I torture myself like this? Why couldn't I have been a raving fan of 4-star period dramas, or intricate political thrillers? Mad Crapper. They're gonna put that on my tombstone.

Anyway, 3 paragraphs in, and I haven't made it past the first production credit. A woman begins a speech, explaining that she and others like her are "harvesters", and that they control time and fate over humanity. Then she tells us that her name is Violet, and that the  other harvesters call her "the great mother". Sure, whatever, just do something interesting!

Now we see a car accident. A guy climbs out of the car(which is tipped sideways), crawls away, and starts to shout over to his passenger, named Emma. A man steps into view, and the sailor asks him to see if his wife is okay. The anonymous stranger flips the wife's body over with a large pickaxe, pulls her upright by her hair, then drags the corpse away. The sailor, dumbfounded, screams at him. Then the stranger returns, flips the sailor over onto his back, and stabs him with the weapon.

Then we see a title card, and a caption telling us that we're in the "present day" of the film. We're probably seeing a world in which a Mad Crapper makes logical sense. A bus for Charon High School nearly hits the camera. Ooooh, Charon...that movie is so deep and meaningful with the symbolism.

A guy with a clipboard approaches The Bus of The Living Damned, then we meet our pile of future dead bodies. There's Sommer, a ditzy, boy-crazy girl who's hung up on a jock named Steven; Maya, her hearing-impaired cousin; Steven, the aforementioned jock with the usual smug attitude; Harold, a chubby outsider with a domineering grandmother; an albino slacker named Brian; Andre, Steven's best friend; Jesse, a sullen girl with a creepy father; Trudy, an Asian girl who'd rather lounge in bed all day; Tyler, a scruffy-looking punk with a sense of humor; and Shawn, Steven's supposed-to-be-a-twin brother(who just found out that his girlfriend's pregnant...). That's quite a hefty cast, and there's still the bus driver and Mr. Smith, the teacher.

The journey finally begins! Mr. Smith begins by telling us that the reason they're all together is due to a class assignment that none of them turned in, something about the industrial revolution. As punishment, they have to waste a Saturday morning by visiting a railway museum, then writing a report about the experience.

Steven starts out on the wrong foot almost immediately, by coming on strong to Maya. Maya clearly insults his, um, "size", but Sommer leaves that part out when doing the translation. Still, Steven seems pretty thick, to not get that by watching what she was doing with her hands. I don't speak sign language, but it was incredibly obvious to me!

Shawn pulls a guitar out, and starts to just strum it at random. Then he spots a crudely made sign by the road that says DEATH'S DOOR. Wow, more symbolism. Groovy. And way subtle. Steven tries to ask his brother what's wrong, but he doesn't get much of a response.

At a railroad crossing(ooooooh!!!!), Jesse spots the guy with the pickaxe. Further up the road, she sees him again. Tyler also peers out the window, but he sees nothing out of the ordinary. Jesse takes another look, but the killer has vanished.

The bus arrives at the museum, then Violet the Harvester decides to start yammering again. She confesses that she and her kind crave human souls, and what's a better place to eat someone's soul than a railway museum? Violet the Harvester explains that she is able to find the right souls with the help of an Ambassador, a human host who can identify the victims for her. Then I assume she kills her victims with deadly boring narration...

...and that's when Candyman shows up. Yeah, Tony Todd arrives on the scene, playing a museum curator named Mr. Steele. He grabs Harold by the head, then begins by telling the kids as many death-related railroad facts as he can recall. So really, he's just Bludworth from the Final Destination films, except in a train museum. Heck, why didn't they just call this Final Destination: The Little Engine That Killed? (Okay, seriously, somebody write that one down.)

Steele makes a threat that the class might not get home in one piece, then Tony Todd leaves the movie to go class up another movie with his presence. It's as if you can hear the film deflating as he exits. Then we see Shawn staring at a creepy guy in an old photograph portraying various railroad workers. A little girl points at the man, telling Shawn that she saw him standing by the road, just like Jesse reported earlier.

Steele spooks Shawn, then informs him that the guy in the picture is named Railroad Jack. Wait, didn't he leave? Seeing Railroad Jack is a bad omen, and Jack has somehow appeared to various people over the decades. Before Shawn gets away, Steele tries to warn him that there are some places where Jack can't go, but he doesn't elaborate in any sort of, you know, USEFUL way.

The students return to the bus(Oh, come ON! There's a guy who haunts railroads, you're at a railroad museum, but no one is getting killed there??? WTF?), and get ready to head back to the school, I guess. Steele, talking to himself, says that Jack will see them very soon.

As the sun sets, everyone on the bus looks like they're falling asleep. When are they supposed to write this mythical essay? And how are a gazillion kids going to write different essays, based on a scene that took less than 5 minutes to play out? How much weed was the writer smoking when he threw this together? And the most important question of all: Why, oh WHY are they all still alive at this point?

Jesse glances outside, and sees Railroad Jack yet again, still in the same pose. Maybe someone is just putting Railroad Jack statues out by the highway to mess with her head. Actually, that would be pretty hilarious. As Jesse tells Mr. Smith about the spooky figure, the killer shows up in the middle of the road. The bus swerves, crashes, then the screen turns red.

Some time later, Violet can be heard, asking the teens to come out and play. The kids all gradually wake up, and the bus is a mess, with seat cushions and various debris everywhere. No adults, but lost and lots of wrecked stuff. While the others start to fight amongst themselves and recover, Andre makes it a point to take a head-count and make sure that no one has been seriously hurt. That's also when they realize that the adults are missing.

Harold makes matters worse, by suggesting that the bus could explode. Andre orders him to calm down, so Harold starts to cry like a baby. I was going to say "blubber like a baby", but that's like shooting fish in a barrel. Great, now Harold's comparing their situation to The Hills Have Eyes. Ha, he wishes!

Then we see the bus from outside, as Railroad Jack surveys the situation. When they see him, do you think they'll say "Hi, Jack"? I hope so. Friendliness makes all the difference.

There seems to be some disagreement over whether or not they should exit the bus. Andre spots a brightly-lit carnival in the distance, and most of the others agree that it sounds like a good place to ask for assistance. Jesse begs them to stay, but only Shawn and Brian remain with her. Railroad Jack watches the larger group jump off the bus, and move in his general direction.

Shawn tells Jesse and Brian that they should join the others. Why? Because he intends to leave as well, but head down the road to watch for any other motorists. Where the heck is the killer,  and why is he waiting so long? Hell, I'll kill some of these folks right now! Just ask me.

Everyone in the larger group is excited about the carnival, except for Trudy. She's whining because she wore flimsy sandals, and now she can't keep up. Making it even worse, she can sense Railroad Jack somewhere in the dark, and now she's scared that the others will abandon her.

The presence isn't the killer, it's Shawn. Wait, so he ditched the others to go have fun? What a douchebag. Hey, remember when Tony Todd was in the movie? Man, that was really terrific. I miss him.

Anyway, Trudy gets Andre to carry her the rest of the way. Then Harold gets winded, but no one offers to carry him to the carnival. Which looks deserted, by the way, as none of the rides are actually running. Gosh, it's almost like a....carnival of....SOULS! Symbol-freaking-ism!!!

The ticket window is being manned by a mannequin, so the teens just figure they get in for free. The carnival itself is also deserted. While the lights are all on, the rides themselves are as still as statues. No customers, no carnies, no one at all.

Trudy, Sommer and Maya approach a fancy carousel. While Trudy and Sommer sit down on the ride, Maya looks at the control panel, then turns the thing on. They all seem to be having a blast, even Maya, who's just watching.

The guys are trying out one of the carnival games, the strength-tester. You know, where you hit a platform with a hammer, and try to ring the bell at the top of the scale? Shawn reminds them that they need to find help, so they all move further into the carnival to resume the search. Well, minus Harold, who lingers behind to stare at the scale.

Back at the bus, both Jesse and Brian are wavering between bored and worried. The others have been gone for about an hour, though it's hard to say for sure, because Brian's watch has stopped. Sym. Bo. Lism. Jesse still thinks that the creepy guy in the road is lurking outside, so Brian suggests a search for weapons or supplies.

The quick search around the bus turns up an extra flashlight, and a road flare. Brian takes the flare, tells Jesse to honk the horn if she has any trouble, then he also heads to the carnival. Jesse watches him walk away, then she closes the bus door for protection. Oh, and we're now roughly at the mid-point of the movie, and STILL, nothing has happened. I've had more excitement during my last colonoscopy. Jack the Reaper might be the cure for severe cases of insomnia.

Maya, while watching the carousel, suddenly realizes that Trudy has disappeared, leaving only her coat behind. Maya turns the ride off, and explains to her cousin that Trudy is now gone. As they discuss whether or not to look for her, the guys arrive on the scene. My money's on "Trudy left the movie to be in a better movie", but I'm probably wrong.

Maya and Sommer argue about what to do next, and Sommer eventually convinces her cousin to go with her to rejoin the group. Then Harold gets the Tilt-A-Whirl ride up and running, momentarily becoming one of the popular kids. Good for him, NOW can we kill someone?

Shawn suddenly begs Harold to stop the ride, because he senses that something just ain't right. Then Brian wanders closer to the carnival, and the killer keeps tabs on the various characters, regardless of their various locations. As he watches the group standing in front of the ride, we see Brian arrive safely at the entrance to the carnival, where he extinguishes the flare. Yes, it's always a terrific idea to waste something that could save your life in an emergency.

The larger group run to a Whack-A-Mole game next, then one of those games where you throw a basketball up a ramp, and there's a net under the inclined section. Yeah, that game. Then some sort of racing game. Steven grabs a toy prize from the game, then gives it to Sommer.

Sommer, Steven, Andre and Harold go to the bumper cars next, and Sommer asks Steven if they can share a car. ^wink wink^ Steven calls her a bitch, then informs her that he only gave her the stuffed animal to be nice, but that he doesn't want to take it any further than that. Sommer stomps away in a huff, and Harold follows her.

In an attempt to woo Sommer, Harold offers to start up another ride, just for her to use, one of those monster-themed tunnel rides. Brian arrives just in time to see them ride into the tunnel together. There's a brief shot of Jesse staring sullenly at the carnival from a window on the bus, then we see Brian decide that he wants to ride the tunnel amusement as well.

He changes his mind, choosing to wait for the couple at the door. Unfortunately, the ride stops on the tracks, stranding them. Sommer suggests walking out, but Harold advises against it, worried that they might get electrocuted if it suddenly came back on while they were standing on the tracks.

Then Harold gets bold, putting his arm around Sommer. As he attempts to move in for a kiss, Sommer says "Ew,", and firmly rejects him. When he tries again, she tells him point-blank that she has no attraction to him whatsoever. Harold accuses her of being a slut, then he leaves her sitting there to find the exit himself.

Maya wanders around aimlessly, then returns to the carousel, getting a little disoriented in the process. Nothing cures dizziness better than more dizziness, so she tries to turn the carousel back on, then hops aboard. Something spooks her, and she stares up in awe at the massive ferris wheel. Yikes!

Oh okay, now I know why Maya was getting freaked out by the height of the structure: Tyler's up at the very tip-top of either the funhouse or the ferris wheel, and he's standing up to take a piss over the side of some kind of balcony. These characters are all incredibly smart aren't they? And yet, we're nearly at the one-hour mark, and they're all still alive and well. I guess maybe it's the killer who's the dumbass.

Harold is still waddling through the tunnel, cursing out the other teens, and carefully watching where he puts his feet. A bunch of fake cobwebs(What exactly is a cob, by the way? And why is it always covered in webs?) make him jumpy, and he gets somewhat confused about where he was heading. He nervously turns in various directions, then chooses one, and resumes walking. When he stops to brush at more webs in his face and hair, Jack the Reaper plants his weapon into Harold's back, and lifts him up toward the ceiling. FINALLY!

Then the ferris wheel begins to spin, even though none of the teens turned it on. While they're shouting and waving at Tyler from the ground, he's stumbling around, just trying not to plummet to his death. As the teens try frantically to turn the ride off, we get some really crappy film editing: Tyler can be seen falling toward some sharp-looking branches, yet he lands on a bare piece of pavement, with nary a tree or bush in sight. Man, it's like this movie was thrown together by some sort of a...a... mad crapper! Just imagine.

Anyway, they surround poor Tyler, and turn him over onto his back. Steven angrily decides that what happened was Brian's fault, even though Shawn points out that he wasn't near the control panel when the ride turned itself back on. Then Andre says that he saw Brian when they were all at the bumper cars. Yeah, that's really helpful.

Tyler suddenly has a spasm, coughing up a small amount of blood. They tell him to try to hang on while they get help, then Shawn and Steven argue over who will stay with him, and who will run for help. Andre gets fed up with the sibling rivalry, telling them both to go, while he watches over Tyler.

There's a brief segue back to the funhouse, where Brian wanders randomly into the chamber where Sommer has been waiting. A weapon is raised, then one of them is killed. But which one?

As Andre tries to keep Tyler alive, a blurry figure sprints  past them. Andre sees the figure and decides to see who it was, but he promises to return to Tyler as soon as he can. As soon as he leaves, Jack approaches Tyler, finishing him off in seconds.

Back in the bus, Jesse jumps when she hears a sudden banging noise, coming from someplace just outside the vehicle. She sees someone moving around, and backs away from the windows. Then we see Brian bursting out of the tunnel ride at high speed. He tries to figure out what to do next, then sees Sommer's new stuffed animal ride by in the cart, covered in blood.

Before he can react, Steven jumps him. Shawn pulls his brother off of Brian, and it devolves into a shouting match, with everybody accusing everybody else of committing murder. Brian denies doing anything to Tyler, then relates to the twins the story about how Sommer was killed.

As the trio move to find the rest of the teens, Maya collides with poor Andre, who is now upset because he managed to lose track of Tyler. Maya tries to convey a message to him, but he has no idea what she's trying to say. Then Brian and the twins discover them, and we get more shouting and frantic explanations.

Brian shares his idea that the killer is somehow controlling the rides. Maya stares at him and backs away, then the others follow suit. Railroad Jack, looming directly behind the albino, lunges at him. Thrown to the ground by the impact, Brian loses his tinted sunglasses. He looks up at the killer, seeing that Railroad Jack has dark, empty eye sockets. As the others run away, Railroad Jack viciously stabs the teen several times.

Taking out the emergency flashlight, Jesse ventures out of the bus. Yeah, not too smart. She calls out to the darkness a few times, telling whoever is there to stop scaring her. After a few more nervous glances at the terrain, she wisely chooses to head back into the bus, slamming the emergency door shut again. So far, I'm rooting for her and Maya to live through this. They're the only really likable characters. (Well, yeah, Brian was a cool guy as well, but he's deader than disco at this point...)

Shawn grabs Maya's hand, and they retreat into a snack shack to hide from the killer. They hide, then watch as Steven and Andre scoot by to find refuge in a building covered in windows. Uhhh, something tells me that a WINDOW might not be the most effective hiding place when eluding a murdering psycho.

Anyway, Railroad Jack stops by, and quickly spots the pair of lunkheads. To their credit, both Andre and Steven do at least attempt to get through the glass maze, and Andre succeeds. Steven...eh, not so much. He more or less just stands there, and it's not too surprising when the others seem him get a blade through his head moments later.

Jesse, still crouched on the floor of the bus, has been crying. She jumps when she hears a thumping sound, followed by heavy breathing. Railroad Jack is literally over her head, walking along the roof. Then he leaps to the ground, hissing at her through the window. As he circles the vehicle and terrorizes her, Jesse tries to convince herself that it's all just a dream. Just as suddenly as the attack began, it stops.

Wait, how is Railroad Jack able to be at the bus AND the carnival at the same time?

Speaking of the carnival...Andre, Shawn and Maya are once again running away from the eyeless killer. They should try walking on their tiptoes. I mean, how hard can it be to hide from a guy with no eyes? Somehow, not only do they all manage to run around in a circle, but Andre also gets separated from the others.

Andre gets inside the snack stand, where he crouches down and tries to unlock the power of prayer. Maya lets Shawn drag her to a shooting gallery game, where they conceal themselves and grab one of the guns for protection. Jesse then has another run-in with Railroad Jack, and he leers at her through the window.

While hiding, Shawn confesses to Maya that he got his girlfriend pregnant. Being hunted has given him some perspective, and he makes a vow to be a good husband and father. If he lives, that is. He then admits that it's easier to say that sort of stuff to her, because she can't understand him. Maya lets him know, through pantomime, that she can, indeed, read lips. D'oh!

Andre then realizes that the killer knows where he is. They make eye(well, sort of...) contact, and Railroad Jack quickly corners the teen. Andre promises to hurt him, then promptly gets himself killed.

While huddled together in the shooting gallery, Shawn and Maya catch a glimpse of Railroad Jack wandering nearby. They swiftly duck back down, ans he seems to disappear when they dare to take another look. Shawn gets himself and Maya out of the booth, then turns back for the rifle. In that short amount of time, Railroad Jack teleports himself directly behind Maya.

He tries to get her, but Shawn intervenes, smacking him with the gun. As the maniac tries to turn his attention back to Maya, Shawn continues to bash him from behind. Then Railroad Jack tosses the boy aside, turns to Maya, and, grinning, says something to her in sign language.

Shawn tries to tell Maya to run toward something, but she doesn't get it. The momentary distraction allows the killer to surprise the deaf teen, and he drives his weapon through the side of her head, into her ear. Death by irony. And this movie's on my hit list, for killing the hottest girl in the story. Dagnabbit.

Shawn escapes, and comes to a halt in front of the carousel. He finds a very grim spectacle on display: The bodies of his friends, including the just-slaughtered Maya, have been propped up on the various carousel animals. He takes it all in, then realizes that the entrance is a few feet away. Finding a sudden rush of energy, he races to the ticket booth to escape.

He runs toward the bus, screaming for help. The killer is also running, and he appears to be catching up. Jesse sees them, and tells Shawn to run. She's very helpful. Shawn glances over his shoulder, then stops.

He sees a team of paramedics and rescue workers between him and the bus. Then there's a montage, replaying some of the death scenes, as well as Steele's cryptic hints about Railroad Jack. At the end of the flashback, Steele can be seen reading the obituaries of the various teens.

Okay, so I hate to keep harping on this one bit, but...WHY isn't this a movie in the Final Destination franchise? I mean, you have the large group dynamic, the car crash as the opening disaster, Tony Todd, the elaborately staged carnival-related deaths...Hell, just make the characters more interesting, tie in their deaths to the carnival itself, and you've got a ready-made sequel. Heck, they can even keep in the silly symbolic death hints to tease the audience a bit. It just seems like a wasted opportunity.

Anyway, let's see how it ends. There can't be much more to it, right? Okay, so Railroad Jack catches up to Shawn. He grabs him by the hair, then drags him, kicking and screaming, back toward the carnival.

Jesse gets upset, then slowly backs away from the rear window again. She hears a horse whinnying, and sees Railroad Jack ride up on a horse. Or maybe this is Horseback Jack, his brother, because his outfit is now a striped suit. Violet the Narrator starts talking again, and Jesse now realizes that there are several Jacks out there, probably waiting for her to give up.

Then we see a paramedic giving Shawn CPR. His partner advises him to stop, and they pronounce Shawn dead. Mr. Smith, the teacher, is being interviewed by an investigator, and he's busy blaming himself for the tragedy. As he wonders how he can possibly tell their loved ones what happened, another person announces that there was a survivor found in the bus: Jesse.

They extract her on a stretcher, assuring her that she's going to be fine. Violet disagrees, and the paramedics load the stretcher onto an ambulance. Jesse sits straight up, then screams. THE END

Well. That was fairly uneven. A good idea, some decent actors, but a horrible pace and a painfully obvious conclusion. And many obvious problems with the script, such as: Who the hell was Violet, and what was she doing as the narrator? Why did the actual mayhem have to take so long to be seen? And why was it so similar to Final Destination? 2.5 mad crapper killer trees out of 5.

And what did I learn from Jack the Reaper?

-Deaf girls are kinda hot.

-Carnivals are merely an excuse to lose your soul.

-Glass mazes are the worst hiding places ever.

Next up, one of those killer-toy movies from Charles Band. It's Doll Graveyard, which I'm not familiar with. Eh, maybe it'll surprise me by actually being decent. See you soon!

Pumpkinhead

I think my brain is getting fried from watching so many slasher flicks. See, I vividly recall watching Pumpkinhead for this blog, yet I can't find an entry for it. Weird, huh? Anyway, that's what we're watching for Halloween week(Yeah, I know it's mid-November, I'll explain what happened at the end of this one, okay?). Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me SPOILERS I can eat!

The movie begins with a young boy named Ed Harley, living on a farm with his parents, in 1957. As Mama is putting Ed to bed, Papa is busy making sure that the barn is shut, and that the house is secure. When Papa Harley returns, Ed watches as his folks have a strange conversation, with the mother asking if she should be afraid. As they get settled in front of a cozy fireplace, a man outside by the name of Clay Heller is running around in the dark, apparently because something is chasing him.

His screams of fear can be heard from inside the Harley home, and all 3 members of the family get tensed up. Then Clay arrives at the front door, and begs them to let him inside. Mama Harley asks her husband to reconsider helping Clay, but Papa insists that they have no right to intervene in whatever's about to happen. Ed gets himself worked up, so his mother tries to console him.

Harley picks up a shotgun, and demands that Clay get away from their property. Clay then reveals that he was accused of murdering a girl, but he says that he's innocent. Then Clay's pursuer arrives, and kills him as he tries to escape again. Ed sneaks a quick glimpse out of a window, where he sees a large, deformed creature moving back through the woods.

Then it's the present day, and Ed is now much, much older. He's burning away some brush near his home, while his kid, Billy,  plays on the front porch with Gypsy, the family dog. Ed gives his son a hug, then they wash their hands and head inside.

Ed promises to tell his son a story, but Billy makes him wait. He gives his father a necklace that he made, and Ed promises to always wear it. Then Ed launches into a story, making his son laugh with his antics. This is very sweet and wholesome. Something awful is going to happen to these people...and it better happen soon!

Then we meet another group, made up of "teens", who all look to be in their twenties. There's Tracy, Joel, Steve, Chris, Maggie, and Kim. They're out in the country, because one of them supposedly has a cabin in the woods. No, that wasn't me making that same dumb joke, it's actually a trip to the cabin...which happens to be in the woods. Serendipity, huh?

Anyway, Ed takes Billy to work with him, which turns out to be the local gas station and convenience store. Then we get a folksy little montage of them setting up shop together, while the young tourists horse around on the open road, even going so far as to tease one of the grungy locals. They decide to get some gas and snacks at Ed's store.

Gypsy runs out of the store, and barks at the strangers. The leader of the group, Joel, makes fun of Billy's thick glasses, but none of his friends join in, finding his joke to be in poor taste. Ed hears the comment as well, but just heads back into the store.

Not content with being ignored, Joel decides to unchain a pair of motorbikes that were hitched to his vehicle. He loudly revs one up, then scoots away into the countryside. Almost instantly after he rides off, a battered truck pulls into the store, driven by an old coot by the name of Wallace. 5 dirty and wild-looking children jump off the truck to follow him.

While Mr. Wallace is in the store, his kids are busy playing with Billy, his dog, and the teens. One of the younger kids, Jimmy Joe, takes a ball that Gypsy was playing with, so an older Wallace sibling warns him that Pumpkinhead will punish him if he misbehaves. Then the other Wallace kids begin to chant Pumpkinhead's name over and over again.

Ed can hear the teasing, and he gets a nasty flashback to the creature he saw when he was a kid. The teasing finally stops, but Ed realizes that he forgot to bring in a bag of feed that Mr. Wallace was going to purchase. He promises to deliver it personally, and Wallace agrees.

Joel begins showing off on his bike, and his brother Steve grabs a second bike to join him. Ed tells his son that he needs to make a quick trip back to the house for the bag of feed. He makes Billy promise to stay inside until he returns. Yeah, I'm sure that everything will be just hunky-dory.

After Ed drives away, Gypsy starts to get agitated by the sound of the motorbikes. The dog rushes outside, so Billy chases him to try to calm him down. Maggie sees both of them take off in the direction on the noise, and she and Tracy both realize what's about to happen. Sadly, neither of them is quick enough to keep up.

Sure enough, Billy and Gypsy are standing at the foot of a hill that the bikes are about to fly over. Steve misses them by a mile, but Joel slams into the young boy, which sends him flying away like a rag doll. Everybody crowds around poor Billy to try to help him, except for Joel. He's too busy attempting to get the bike back to the truck and make a getaway. It seems that he was drinking earlier, and that he's worried that the local law enforcement will severely punish him. Gee, ya think so?

Several of his friends try to force Joel to stay, but he drives away with his girlfriend. Steve insists that the rest of them should get to the cabin and call for help, while he remains behind with Billy. They take their truck and go roaring away in a cloud of dust.

Ed returns a short time later, and grows concerned when he fails to find Billy or Gypsy inside the store. Steve gets his attention, and Ed is heartbroken when he sees his son's lifeless body on the ground. Steve tries to explain what happened, but Ed just stares at him with a crazed look in his eyes. Then Ed puts Billy in his truck and leaves the scene.

At the remote cabin, Tracy gets inside, where she finds Joel and his girlfriend just standing around, She starts to dial up the local emergency number, but Joel rips the phone jack out of the wall. See kids, back in the day, the only phone you had was the one in your house. Waaaay back in a glorious era called "before the 1990s". It was truly magical.

Anyway, Joel's girlfriend reveals that he was already in another vehicle-related mishap, and that this one would definitely lead to a jail sentence. Then the rest of the car group walk in, and Joel attacks Chris when he tries to subdue the killer. He attacks Chris with a thick log, so we may actually have 2 deaths to blame him for by now. Sheesh!

Ed takes Billy home, and tries to get him cleaned up a little. Billy calls out to him, but then stays silent. Even the family dog seems to be having an "Oh shit!" reaction to the proceedings. Y'know, replace "Billy" with "Gage", and this seems an awful lot like Pet Sematary.

Steve is the last to arrive at the cabin in the woods, and he discovers that his brother has got Chris and Tracy trapped in one of the bedrooms. Steve tells Joel that Ed took his son and left, and that he was told that what happened was just an accident. Well, that's settled then. What could possibly go wrong after that?

Ed takes his son's body even deeper into the country, and he finds Mr. Wallace at home. While Ed shows Mr. Wallace what happened to his son, Wallace's son Bunt takes the bag of feed out of the truck. Ed asks for help in locating a local woman rumored to be a witch, but Mr. Wallace refuses. He says that the witch will send them straight to Hell, and he advises Ed to return home and bury his son's body.

Bunt overhears the conversation, and manages to catch up as Ed drives away, by using a shortcut. He tells Ed that the witch is named Haggis, and that she lives in a remote area called Black Ridge. Ed pays him for the information, then demands that Bunt show him where she lives. Bunt takes Ed most of the way, then tells him how to find her when the road ends.

Ed walks to a haunted-looking shack, where he finally meets Haggis. She greets him as if she was expecting his visit, then bluntly tells him that she can't raise Billy from the dead. He tells her about the creature he saw when he was a child, and she tells Ed that it's something that gets summoned to commit acts of vengeance.

Ed REALLY likes the sound of that, so he gives her all the money he could scrounge up, and asks her to summon the creature. Haggis tells him that it's buried in a secret graveyard at a place called Razorback Hollow, and that he must dig up the body and bring it to her. Ed agrees, and is also told to leave Billy's corpse with her when he goes on his search.

Ed finds the correct grave underneath a foggy pumpkin patch, and soon reveals the body of Pumpkinhead. Then there's a short scene with the teens, showing that Joel still refuses to take any blame for what happened earlier in the day. Oh, and Maggie has been in a state of shock ever since the accident, and her friends are starting to wonder if she'll ever snap out of it.

Ed returns to Haggis, and brings the corpse of Pumpkinhead over to a table that she points out. She explains that each body in that special graveyard is a demon representing a specific sin. Pumpkinhead is the spirit-demon of vengeance. Haggis then cuts Ed's hand, and has his blood drip into a bowl. While Ed bandages his wounded hand, Haggis makes similar cuts into Billy's corpse. Then she pours the blood on Pumpkinhead's shrouded face, where it sizzles.

As Pumpkinhead comes back to life, Ed gets weaker and weaker. He eventually passes out, and Haggis revives him some time later. She tells him to return home, and that the vengeance has begun. Ed drives back to his farm, but the loss of blood nearly causes him to have a collision. He pulls the truck over, then jumps in fright as the bloody body of his son sits up, demanding to know what he did. Don't fret, it was only a hallucination.

Another brief moment at the cabin leads nowhere, then we see Ed telling his wife what happened at her tombstone. He digs a hole next to her grave, so that she and Billy can have adjoining rooms. Hell, I was half-expecting him to dig her up as well!

Steve and Maggie decide that they need some air, so they leave the crowded cabin. They walk out to a dark spot near a tree, have a heart-to-heart chat, then share a hug. Oh, and then Pumpkinhead pulls Steve up into the tree by his neck, presumably to die.

As Ed finishes burying his son, he suddenly has a vision of the murder. He sees Pumpkinhead tear into Steve's body with long claws, throw him to the ground, then drag him by his feet deeper into the woods. Maggie helps Steve by standing still and crying.

Joel finally discovers his balls, so he pledges to do the right thing. He starts out on his road to redemption by letting Chris and Tracy out of the bedroom. Then Maggie rushes in, while we see Pumpkinhead mauling Steve. Chris and Joel grab weapons, then go looking for Steve.

While the girls huddle together behind locked doors and the guys hunt for a monster, Ed is back home, still recovering from the weird vision he experienced. He decides to get drunk, and the dog just watches him. Then Kim is told by Maggie that God is the only force strong enough to intervene in whatever's happening to them. Right on cue, Pumpkinhead slides right by the kitchen window, somehow managing to remain undetected.

Joel and Chris find what's left of Steve, and quickly realize that they should have stayed with the girls. As they rush back to the cabin, Kim nearly kills them at the door with a meat cleaver. Everyone goes into panic mode, then it's Maggie's turn to run outside like a raving nitwit.

Pumpkinhead drops Steve at the front door, then snatches Maggie up by her hair. Tracy and Chris chase after the monster, while the others drag Steve's body inside. Anyone else finding these shenanigans to be a bit repetitive?

Ed has another fit, and sees Maggie getting her face scratched up by Pumpkinhead. Despite not being entirely in control of his faculties, Ed somehow gets to his truck, and begins to try to track the monster down. Yeah, I'm sure he'll be a big help in his current condition.

Steve's face is examined by his friends, and it looks like chunks of it were bitten off. Ed, in the meantime, has stumbled into the cabin where he encountered Haggis earlier. She calmly informs him that the seizures will pass as soon as Pumpkinhead is finished, and he replies that he'll find a way to stop the creature himself. Either way, Haggis tells him that his soul is now damned.

Pumpkinhead lifts up Maggie's body, using it to taunt the frightened teens at the kitchen window. He breaks the window to leave the corpse on the counter, then leaves again. Joel picks up a knife and runs outside, telling the creature that he's the one it wants to kill.

When it grabs Kim instead, Joel attacks it. Chris and Tracy go along with him to find her, and he's pretty much just a rambling lunatic at this point. They discover Kim up in a tree, where Pumpkinhead is swinging her by the neck. The monster hurls her to the ground, the impact kills her, and the chase resumes.

Ed arrives, but now the cabin is empty. He surveys the damage, even stopping to examine Steve's mangled face, while he ponders his next move. That Ed Harley, he's a real deep thinker!

Tracy, Chris and Joel find another house, but the woman inside refuses to help them. Her husband shoots at them, ordering the trio to get away from his house. He tells them that he can't help them in any way, because they've been "marked". Before they can get him to explain what that means, Pumpkinhead arrives.

A bullet hits the creature in the shoulder, but it wasn't from the homeowner. Nope, this blast was delivered by Ed Harley, who arrived just in the nick of time. Joel kicks the monster and fires another bullet into it, only to have it grab him by the ankle. Pumpkinhead then stands over Joel, impales him on his own shotgun, then tears at the body with his huge claws.

Chris and Tracy run away yet again, and then we see Bunt looking out the window of his family's tiny shack. Mr. Wallace orders Bunt to get away from the window, then sends him off to bed. When Chris and Tracy begin to pound at the front door, the adults pretend that they don't hear a thing.

Bunt trudges to bed, but decides to take it upon himself to help the teens. His sister, Hessie, tries to talk him out of it, but Bunt has his mind set. He swears her to secrecy, then climbs out the bedroom window.

Chris and Tracy freak out when they see him, but he offers to get them to a safe place. They decide to trust Bunt, and follow him. At about the same time, Ed finds Joel with the gun protruding from his torso, and decides to grab the weapon. First smart idea he's had all day.

Bunt leads the couple to a wrecked house, and he tells them that it was supposed to be a church, but that it was abandoned before the construction was finished. Then he suggests that, because it's a holy place, Pumpkinhead might not be able to enter into the structure.

Bunt explains what Pumpkinhead is, and tells them about Ed's visit to Haggis. Then Pumpkinhead shows up as the wind turns into a near-hurricane, and he seems to have no trouble at all terrorizing them. I guess Bunt was dumber than he looked. How is that humanly possible?

They run away for the zillionth time, and Pumpkinhead stops in front of a large cross. He picks it up, then demolishes it. Yeah, holy ground has no effect on this guy, Bunt. It was a nice idea, though.

Ed shows up at the Wallace home, where he's told that no one will help him. Then Chris is attacked when Pumpkinhead ambushes the trio. Tracy helplessly runs away with Bunt, leaving Chris behind. Ed finds them, and they escape in his truck.

Ed gets them into his home, where Tracy thanks Bunt for being so heroic. Then she goes outside to speak to Ed. She tells him what happened to Billy, then begs him to call off Pumpkinhead. He tells her that he can't, but he has a plan: he shows Tracy his souped-up blowtorch, and tells her that he intends to send the demon back into Hell.

Bunt, surrounded by spooky candles and photographs of Billy, gets the wits scared out of him by the damned dog. Yeesh. Then Ed has another spasm, and Pumpkinhead arrives at his house with a barely-alive Chris. Chris crawls weakly across the floor, while Pumpkinhead looks for a new victim.

Tracy tries to help Ed, then sees that his eyes have become opaque. He leers at her like Pumpkinhead, just as the monster itself discovers where Bunt is hiding. Heck, even the family dog had a hiding spot picked out!

As Tracy helps Chris, Pumpkinhead grabs Bunt. Ed tries to intercede with the weapon, but catches his arm on a pitchfork, injuring him. He then sees that Pumpkinhead seems to feel the pain from the injury as well, which slows it down. While Ed pulls his arm away from the pitchfork, the monster growls in pain.

Tracy picks up the flamethrower, while Ed staggers over to his truck. While she distracts the  monster, Ed pulls a pistol out of the glove compartment, and lifts it so that the barrel is up against his temple. He fires it, and Pumpkinhead falls down. Ed is still alive, so Pumpkinhead makes another attempt to kill Bunt and the couple.

Tracy gets the gun from Ed, and then hesitates as both he and Pumpkinhead watch her. She decides to shoot Ed, firing several shots into him, and both he and Pumpkinhead finally die. She, Bunt and Chris see Pumpkinhead burst into flames, and the necklace that Billy made for his father gets destroyed by the fire. THE END

Wow. Downer ending, man. Sorry this one took so long, but my internet vanished for about a month. I'll try to watch another one in a few days, see if I can catch up on my lost weeks. Also, I'm still not 100% certain that I didn't do this one in the past(for the blog), so my deja vu sense is going haywire.

Good special effects, sucktastic script. They really should have put some thought into the kills, maybe had a larger area for them to run around. I don't really remember much about the sequels, save fort the fact that Bill Clinton's brother was in one of them, and that's not exactly a good sign. Still, I'd give Pumpkinhead a 3.5 killer trees out of 5, fror at least having a good creature.

And what did I learn from Pumpkinhead?

-Never trust a witch named after a Scottish food.

-Half-built churches won't protect you.

-Demons have a private graveyard, but hillbillies have to dig their own graves for loved ones.

No idea what's up next. Maybe I'll browse the On Demand menu to see if something grabs my interest. We'll see. See you in a few days...I hope! I'll catch back up to the once-a-week format, hopefully before I get worn down by all of the stress of the holidays!

Castle Freak

Howdy all! Apolgies for being a day late, but I've been fighting a nasty cold. This week's entry is called Castle Freak. If it's about a castle that comes to life and freaks out, I'm giving it a 10 out of 5. As always, be prepared for SPOILERS...

Things start out in the kitchen of a witchy-looking old woman. She's preparing a meal of bread and meat, then she lights a candle. As she leaves her dwelling, we see that she lives next to an imposing castle. Oh, and a cat follows her to the castle.

Once inside, she brings the candle and the food into the dungeon, where she puts everything on the ground to pick up a whip that's hanging on the wall. Kinky. After unlocking a cell in the dungeon, she begins to whip the occupant, who cowers on the floor and screams. Then the old woman feeds her prisoner, leaves the dungeon, and has a pesky ol' heart attack.

After the opening credits, we meet the Reilly family. The parents are John and Susan, and they have a blind daughter, Rebecca. The castle is some kind of inheritance, and it's in pretty poor condition, with broken stones everywhere and a rat scurrying past them as they walk through the front gate.

The Italian lawyer explains that he found the Reillys after he launched an investigation into any living heirs of the estate. He also apologizes for the condition of the castle, due to the family fortune being depleted over the years. John responds that they won't be staying very long, as he plans to liquidate the assets and sell the estate.

They are introduced to an elderly maid, and Susan requests that a third bedroom be prepared. It seems that she and her husband sleep in different beds these days, because of friction over the death of their son. John was driving drunk, and the accident was also the cause of Becky's blindness. And the winner of Father of The Year is...

Later that night, John knocks at Susan's door. He asks for a chance at a fresh start, then gets a little too grabby for her. She tells him that she can't forgive him and she sends him back to his room, where he passes out and has a nightmare about the crash. His own anguished cries in the dream manage to wake him up, and he gets rattled by the sound of a monstrous wailing that seems to be from within the castle.

John decides to do some exploring. He follows the noises to the wine cellar, where he cuts his hand. Then the maid finds him washing the blood off in the kitchen. She tells John that the elderly duchess lived alone in the castle for 42 years, and that the sound John heard was the ghost of the supposedly-dead son of the duchess, a boy named Giorgio.

The next day, John decides to take his daughter on a tour of the castle. They find a nursery, another bedroom, and several pieces of art. When John decides to snoop around for any valuable jewelry, he comes across the whip. Oh, and he also discovers a strange photo album.

Becky hears a mysterious scratching noise, so she stumbles off to check it out. John, fully engrossed by the old pictures, completely ignores his daughter. Man, this guy is a real family man, huh?

Becky finds her way back to the room full of toys, and nearly has a heart attack when she gets scared by a cat that was behind a door. She follows the sound of the cat to the cellar level, where she takes a tumble and scrapes up her leg. John finally notices that she's gone, and searches for his daughter. Better late than never, I suppose...

Becky gets back on her feet, and she inadvertently wakes Giorgio. She hears him moving around, but tries to convince herself that it's just the cat. He finds the cat after Becky leaves the area, and he decides to eat it. Becky tries to tell her folks that she heard somebody downstairs, but they don't believe her.

After snacking on the cat, Giorgio gets a surge of energy. He snaps off his own thumb with his teeth, then manages to break free from the chain that was holding him to the wall. Let's hope he doesn't have to hitch a ride anywhere. After Giorgio breaks free, he holds the chain over his head in victory. Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

Susan scoffs at Becky's story, telling her that her imagination is just running wild. Giorgio busts open the door to the dungeon area, and then we see the Reilly clan sitting down to dinner.

Becky asks the elderly maid about the cat, and is told that the cat was probably a pet that belonged to the duchess. Then we see Giorgio discover a mirror, and he recoils when he sees his own grotesque image. The sound of the mirror being smashed brings the family out to check out the damage.

After everyone goes to bed, Giorgio decides to wander around the castle. He limps into Becky's room, where he watches her sleep, then tries to figure out how to undress her without waking her up. Becky does wake up, so Giorgio tries to hide. The sound of his chain falling to the floor makes Becky scream, and her parents somehow manage to come running in seconds after Giorgio leaves, without ever seeing him.

John rushes out of the room with a flashlight, and misses seeing Giorgio a second time. He even finds the cell that Giorgio was living in, but misses seeing the dead cat on the floor. This man is some kind of genius.

John finds the family crypt next, and looks at the various names and dates on the wall. Giorgio sneaks in behind him, just as he reads the plaque for Giorgio's death. It says that Giorgio died at the age of 5, which brings John to tears over the loss of his own son.

A cop comes by the following day, and questions the family very briefly. The officer clearly doesn't think that there was an intruder, and he notes John's injured hand. After implying that John himself broke the mirror, the officer leaves.

After getting Becky to take a nap, John tells his wife that he has something to show her. He brings her to the crypt, and the picture of Giorgio has now disappeared. John decides to kill himself, but then he chickens out. He finds the local tavern, and decides to get drunk instead. Uh, okay...

While he's getting smashed out of his gourd, John meets a prostitute. He buys her a drink, then proceeds to spill it all over her skimpy outfit. A man at the bar suggests that it's time for John to leave, so he begins waving around a wad of cash to pay for the drinks. The hooker sees the money, and decides that he suddenly looks a lot more charming.

John takes her to  his wine cellar, where he manages to spill another drink on her. She makes a fuss, but he shushes her, worried that his family will discover them. They start to make out, and Giorgio sneaks in to watch.

The sight of her nudity excites Giorgio, who has decided to start wearing a white hood over his face. Where'd he get the hood from? He waits for John to finish up and pass out, and then Giorgio grabs the wine bottle. He follows the hooker to the toy room, then attacks her from behind with a white sheet over her head.

The next morning, a cop knocks at the castle door. He's the same officer that arrived the other day, and this time he's VERY interested in looking around the castle. Susan learns that her husband was seen leaving a bar with a hooker, and that makes John get a little bit defiant. Nevertheless, the cop seems to believe that he did something to the hooker.

After the cop leaves, we see that the hooker is still alive. Wow! She seems to be begging the monster to let her go, but he offers her a swig of wine instead. She decides to play along and seduce him, but then she discovers that he's missing more than a thumb, if you know what I mean. She gets her hands on the bottle, smashes it and slices a gouge into his arm, so he throws her up against a wall, then bites off her nipples.

John is really up shit creek now, because the maid has discovered the hooker's purse in the castle. When John finds out, he's told that the police will will definitely arrest him. The maid's brother agrees to keep quiet, but only if John pays him off. Then he informs John that his lineage isn't quite as royal as he was led to believe, making him a bastard of the family. Boy, he sure is having a bad day!

The maid hears a horrible scream, so she decides to go have a look around the dungeon. She finds the hooker's mutilated body, and the hooker is barely alive. She tries to warn the old woman that Giorgio is right behind her, but the monster attacks the maid, repeatedly beating her after she hits the floor.

John gets home, just in time to see his wife and daughter leaving. She tells him that it's too late to salvage what they had, but all John is worried about is how there exit will make him look even more guilty to the authorities. She refers to him as a "whipping boy", and the phrase suddenly helps him to see what the evil presence is that is living in the castle. He vows to prove his innocence. Oh, and the cops arrive, telling Susan that the entire family must remain in the castle until the investigation is completed.

John grabs a heavy shovel, and the others can hear him bashing it against something somewhere deep in the castle. Susan and a couple of the officers decide to see what John's up to, and they leave Becky with another officer. Yeah, because splitting up ALWAYS works out well in horror films!

It turns out that John was breaking into Giorgio's crypt, to see if his body was in there. He breaks open the coffin in front of Susan and the cops, confirming that there's no corpse. Then he tells them that Becky was right, and that the presence she kept hearing in the castle was Giorgio.

The officers handcuff John, even after he tells them about the whip, the mirror, and all of the noises they've been hearing. Then they stumble upon the bodies of the hooker and the maid. John is dragged away, even while screaming that he's innocent.


A couple of officers stay at the castle that night, and Susan is expected to come to the police station in the morning to give the investigators an official statement. She asks the pair to get her and Becky some fresh water. One heads to the kitchen, while the other cop remains outside the bedroom door.

The cop in the kitchen sees some dirt and soot getting kicked up, so he examines it. Giorgio ambushes him from above, as you might expect. After some kicking and screaming, the cop is dragged up into the chimney.

John begs the officers who arrested him to get his family out of the castle. He even reminds them that Giorgio's coffin was empty, but they still refuse to believe that a maniac is running loose. The cop brings out a lead pipe, and waves it at John in a threatening manner.

Susan asks the cop guarding the door why the other officer never brought back their water, and I wish he would have said, "Because we're not your servants, lady!" Alas, he just agrees to go find his buddy. Fetch your own damn water!

He finds a body wrapped up in a sheet. The first cop? Nope, it's Giorgio, who jumps up and grabs the cop by the chin. He nibbles on the poor guy's eye, and that's that. I may become a vegetarian after this one ends.

Now alone, Susan and Becky have a serious talk about the family. Becky seems to think that her folks loved her brother more than her, because all they've done since his death is fight. Susan tells her that they both love her very much, and that she and Becky have to be strong for John. Yeesh, this is turning into a soap opera!

Giorgio opens the bedroom door, and watches them both pray for their family. Then he noisily shuts it again, but the sound is masked by rumbling thunder. While Becky continues to pour her heart out to her mother, Susan decides to leave the room. That's kind of awesomely hilarious, when you think about it.

Susan is attacked and knocked out cold in the hallway. Becky is still rambling on about her feelings, and she mistakes Giorgio for her mother. She takes off her shirt, only then realizing that her mother isn't the person watching her. Is this supposed to be as funny as it is? Giorgio abducts her, just as Susan regains her senses. She begins to chase after the mutant.

Susan grabs the biggest knife she can find in the kitchen, then she sees the cop fall out of the chimney. She screams and runs away, then we see John still being interrogated. Wow, way to break up the action, movie!

The interrogator gets fed up with John, and smacks him across the face with the club. After another officer drags the interrogator out of the room, John manages to make an escape. He attacks another cop to do it, though, so he's still in some pretty serious trouble here...

Giorgio carries Becky back to his cell, and ties her up. He realizes that she's blind, even waving at her, so, yeah, now this is a wacky comedy.He babbles at her and removes his mask, and tries to kiss the girl. He's into it a lot more than she is.

Susan arrives, and she offers herself up in exchange for Becky's immediate release. Giorgio decides to get close enough to sniff her, and she attacks him with the knife. While Giorgio struggles to remove the blade, Susan works on releasing her daughter.

A short chase back up the stairs ensues, and Giorgio uses his knowledge of the castle layout to somehow get in front of them. They run down a corridor as he limps after them, and Becky costs them precious seconds by tripping past some of the furniture.

He chases them into the bedroom where he murdered the duchess, but they've seemingly vanished. They're actually hiding behind some of the covered furniture, but Giorgio is trying to literally sniff them out. He finds the whip instead, and flies into a rage as he recalls the torture that he endured over the last several decades.

He uses the whip to destroy several objects in the room, then he wanders back into the hallway to continue his search. Becky and Susan think it's safe to leave the room, but he soon discovers them. Another chase begins, this one bringing them onto the roof. Where it's raining. And the blind girl is mostly topless. Need I say more?

Giorgio corners them, but John shows up. He gets the killer to come after him instead, and the two men battle to the death on the roof. John kicks him in his man-gina, punches and beats him several times, then rejoins his wife and daughter.

After a big family hug, Giorgio pops up a final time, and uses the whip on John. As the monster goes after his family, John chains himself to Giorgio, then jumps off the roof. Both men fall to the ground below, and Susan just now decides that she still loves her husband.

They pack their belongings, and load up the coffin to return to America. Before leaving, Susan sees the cop who suspected that her husband was guilty of murder, holding a young boy's hand. The cop removes his hat, and she smiles at him. THE END

Man, what a goofy movie! I mean, the plot was really silly, the acting was over the top, and the only truly impressive thing in it was the gore. I'm giving this one 2 killer trees out of 5, only because it was marginally better than the crap I watched last week.

And what did Castle Freak teach me?

-If you inherit a castle, there's usually a catch.

-A blind girl can hear a monster several floors away, but can't tell if her mother leaves her alone.

-On a related note, blind children love it when you just abandon them at random moments.

Later this week, I'll be watching Pumpkinhead. I could have sworn I did it already, but I couldn't find it on the blog. Happy Halloween!

River of Darkness

Remember See No Evil? If not, I don't blame you...it was a slasher flick starring the wrestler Kane, and produced by the WWF or WWE or whatever the heck they're calling themselves these days. Wasn't terrible, wasn't a classic. Was just...there.

Anyway, I always figured that it was their one big attempt at a horror film, as most of their stuff is squarely in the action genre, but then I found River of Darkness. It's definitely a step down from See No Evil, but I'll pretty much watch anything for a laugh. Let's get ready to SPOOOOOOOOIIIIILLLLL!

First impressions are important, and this one doesn't start out well. It looks like it was shot with el cheapo camcorders, so everything on the screen looks washed out and cheap. Incredibly low budget. Also, except for some of the names of the wrestlers(and even some of these guys are unfamiliar to me), I don't recognize any of the supporting cast. Not even a genre character actor, like Sid Haig, or Jeffrey Combs, to enjoy watching. Damn.

Anyway, the movie begins with a woman named Autumn sitting on a bench in the midst of a winter scene. She narrates the scene, revealing that her friends were killed, and she was blamed for their deaths. And...then that scene just fizzles out.

In a toilet stall, we see a different young woman. She's dressed as a waitress and rolling a joint. Then she tells her boss that she's heading home. Boy, this movie sure is good at being exciting AND interesting to watch! Why couldn't I have developed a fondness for "good" films?

On a side note, I think watching all of these movies is giving me brain damage. Me no am smart no more.  And stuff. Brain cells....dying....must....resist....

Oh yeah. I was watching this thing. So, yeah, there's a waitress, and she's heading home after her shift. On her way out, she asks another waitress named Lisa if she wants to share the joint, but Lisa declines, then gives us her lifestory. As our first waitress steps outside, some fog rolls in.

She walks away from the building to light up, and her path is blocked by someone wearing a long coat. The stranger, who looks like he might be comfortable in an '80's hair band, stabs the waitress right through her midsection, then lifts her off of her feet. Blood trickles out of her mouth, and she coughs up even more when her attacker throws her to the ground. Cue credits.

The following morning, the town's police force is pretty much all over the crime scene. The sheriff asks for details, and we learn that the waitress was named Amy, and that her killer strung her to a post after he killed her. Also, the word "HIX" was written on her body. The sheriff suggests that they check local databases for similar murders in the surrounding communities.

He heads into the diner next, both for information and a presumably greasy breakfast. He gets neither, as the guy running the place ignores him to chat with some buddies. While the sheriff tries to get his attention, a call comes in over his walkie-talkie, asking him to look at yet another crime scene. The sheriff leaves, and drives over to the local church.

The priest meets him outside, and tells him that a woman named Mary Rutledge broke a window and entered the church through said window. They head inside to speak with Mary, who is draped in black and fervently praying. The sheriff tries to ask Mary if she's okay, but she keeps right on praying.

When he raises his voice, Mary finally responds. She announces that "they" have arrived, and that "redemption is upon us". "They" are also going to spread violence and chaos throughout the community, and she tells him that he already knows about their arrival. Perplexed, the sheriff leaves.

Back at his office, he asks his deputy if the internet search produced any results. There were a few incidents of violence at the docks, but nothing connected to the current crime scene. Amy's body, though, did have one disturbing clue that pointed to a fisherman as the perpetrator: Amy's insides were yanked out through her mouth, similar to how a fish is gutted.

That night, is gets misty again. A pair of generic fishermen are doing some repairs on a motor. One is drinking a beer, and the other one thinks that it's affecting his job performance. The drunk asks his coworker to fetch more beer.

The sober guy hears a noise that sounds like a chain being dragged on the ground, and he stops to listen. The sound gets louder as he turns a corner, then it simply stops. Just as he's about to head back, a hand grabs him by the head, and he gets yanked onto the roof.

The drunk guy farts around with various tools while he waits for the beer, then yells out to his friend to hurry. He walks outside to see what the delay is, and wanders into the same dark area where the murder just occurred. His friend's corpse is left for him to find, with several long hooks piercing his head and torso. Then the killer plunges a blade through the drunk's back, killing him.

The sheriff is notified about the latest murders. He sees that the bodies are displayed like the waitress was, and he sees that word etched on them again: HIX. He asks his deputy what it means, but there's no easy answer just yet.

The sheriff asks a couple of older fishermen if they know anything, which they do, but they deny it. One admits that he's heard that word before, but he refuses to elaborate on the matter. As the sheriff walks away, one of the fishermen tells him to seek out a local by the name of Virgil.

Virgil is the usual small-town coot. The sheriff finds him at the local dam, feeding the fish. The men engage in a conversation about whether or not fish and humans have souls, then head inside the bait shop. The sheriff finally gets around to asking about "HIX", and Virgil tells him that it's the name of another local, Harvey Hix.

Harvey used to reside in the town, but now he lives somewhere called The Gulch, near a pond. Harvey was run out of town, but Virgil refuses to reveal who scared him away, or even why they did it. Well, that's helpful, huh? Virgil wishes the sheriff luck in his search for answers.

The sheriff locates Harvey's home in the middle of the forest, and he and his deputy take a look around. Harvey(I presume) pulls a rifle on them, and demands to know why they are trespassing. When they explain about the murders, he insists that he's not Harvey Hix, and asks them to leave him alone.

The sheriff stops by the diner for some turtle soup, and the cook decides to speak with him about the case. It turns out that the cook is the former sheriff, and there's been some animosity between them since the election. Oh, and the main character finally gets a first name: Will.

The cook, Clark, begs Will to let him help with the investigation. Then we get something close to a plot: Years earlier, the town lived in fear of a local clan of hillbillies known as the Jacobs. When the locals grew tired of being bullied, a vigilante mob, led by Harvey Hix, rose up and killed the father and both sons. Will thanks him for the soup, but informs him that the idea of the Jacobs family rising from the dead is nonsense.

Then we meet Wyatt Jones and his wife. They're an elderly couple, and they've just returned to their houseboat from a late evening fishing trip. While Wyatt begins the task of cutting off fish heads(roly-poly fish heads, eat them up YUM!), his wife briefly leaves the room.

Wyatt suddenly notices that the room has become a lot foggier than it used to be. Wyatt searches for the source of the fog, unaware that the Jacobs trio is standing behind him. He gets 2 blades planted in his back, then they furiously begin to chop him to pieces. The wife sees the killers and shrieks, causing one of the zombies to stare at her with yellow eyes. Remember that detail.

She gets herself to the diner, and tells the patrons that her husband was murdered by the Jacobs boys. When Clark(the former sheriff-turned cook) asks her if she's sure, she describes them, and their evil "red" eyes. Did you like that little detail? I sure did. Oh, and the Jacobs kin are named Joseph, Jaden, and Jonah. Uh, okay.

There's a very brief scene re-introducing Autumn to us(Remember her? From the first scene?), and showing her in a car with some friends, and we learn that they are paranormal investigators. Okay. So what? That's all you're giving us?

Yup. Now we see Will speaking to Wyatt's widow as his grave. Wyatt was her second husband, and she's quite distraught. When Will asks her to file a report with his office, she agrees, but complains that it won't do any good.

Autumn and her classmates pull into the gas station, and get directions to the river. When the attendant asks them why they think they'll find ghosts in the small town, Autumn shows him a newspaper clipping about the recent string of murders. Oh, and her 2 friends are Hunter and Mackenzie. Why can't people in movies ever have names like "Bob" or "Sue" anymore? And Smith is a good last name. Hi, I'm Bob Smith, and I'm here to do your taxes. See? Nice and simple and easy to remember.

Virgil is stocking his bait inventory, when the sheriff sneaks into the shop, and nearly kills the old man with fright. They discuss the incident that ended with the Jacobs trio being killed, and Virgil reveals that it started because a local woman claimed that one of them had raped her. After the group killed them, she recanted her story.

Will heads back to church, where Mary is still praying her holy ass off. He asks Mary how she knew the murders would happen, and she starts to ramble. He then asks her if Harvey's death will end the rampage, but she doesn't respond to that query either. Boy, that sure wasn't a complete waste of time.

Then we get the worst acting in the entire movie(so far!). An old man is in bed, thrashing around, and "wakes up" from a "nightmare". He's such a terrific "actor". He decides to wander from room to room, then comes face-to-face with one of the Jacobs boys right outside his front door. He gets a knife to the gut, then the other 2 monsters approach him.

Let's pause here for a sec. Y'know how, in the Friday the 13th films they usually unmask Jason at some point, to show off his gory makeup FX? Yeah, well, this movie makes even the worst "Jason faces" seem state-of-the-art by comparison. If you want to dress up like a Jacobs zombie for Halloween, throw together some oatmeal. Mix in some green food coloring. Then, just slather it all over your face. See how easy that was? And yours will probably look less cheap that this movie!

Oops, gotta rewind to where I left off. Oh. The old guy in bed was just dreaming. Well, that was pointless! Hey, is anyone else craving oatmeal all of a sudden?

Our "paranormal investigators" are drifting aimlessly in a rowboat on the river. Suddenly, Hunter reports that his EMF detector is going bonkers. Autumn shushes the others, and they all listen. The boat thuds to a halt as they hit something, then Mackenzie gets pulled into the water when she leans over the boat to have a look.

Autumn panics, then uses her oar to splash around a bit. A zombie hand tries to pull her into the water as well, but she manages to remain in the boat. Hunter just sits there, being a doofus.. He's a huge help, isn't he?

The sheriff visits the bait shop yet again, and he and Virgil have, what?, their third discussion about evil spirits. Man, if this thing removed every completely unnecessary scene, we'd be watching a 5-minute film. This is getting out of hand.

After THAT nonsense, we see a little girl and her mother. The little girl tells her mother that she's going outside to look for nightcrawlers, and the mother agrees. People are dying left and right, and you're going to let your daughter wander around in the dark, to look for WORMS??!?! Dumbass central.

At a different bar(Really, movie? REALLY?), the local drunks are debating the best way to handle the murders. One guy tells the others that part of the blame rests with Will, because he doesn't believe in God. Yeah, it's not a bunch of drunk murderers to blame, it's the town atheist. I'll agree to anything if you just get to a frigging point sometime THIS CENTURY!

Back to the church. Mary is talking to a mystery man, while lighting rosary candles. She says that killing for the betterment of society isn't a sin, then suggests that killing Harvey will end the rampage of the Jacobs family. Great, thanks for giving her THAT idea, Will!

That little girl is still looking for bait. She finds a big, juicy worm, then one of the killers finds her. Irony. Heh. At least they fade to black, rather than show a little kid getting slaughtered. Classy.

The deputy gets a call from the little girl's mom, and she reports that her daughter is missing. Get this: She tells him that the daughter went on her worm-hunt at eight, but the call doesn't come in until 11! Isn't that awesome parenting? What was she doing for the last several hours, tripping her balls off?

Another howler: When the deputy asks the mother to verify that her kid went worm-hunting and never returned, she says "Yes!" 3 times, pausing each time. Drama club! Acting! She and Wyatt's wife are serious contenders for Worst Actresses of The Century. The deputy tells her that someone will come right away, then he abruptly hangs up on her. She keeps on yammering into the phone, realizes that he's no longer there, then botches the simple act of hanging up the damned phone. High-larious. Comedy gold.

The cops and the fire department arrive, and they soon discover the body of the little girl. Cause of death was likely shame, over how bad an actress her mommy is. Will is again approached by Clark, who asks him when he'll finally admit that he needs help. Then both men share an awkward silence, as they struggle to remember their lines. This movie would be epic if I were either drunk or high. Or mentally challenged.

Will tells him to back off, so Clark decides to take matters into his own hands. He places a call to a buddy, and it looks like we have the beginnings of another posse on our hands. Great. Look how it turned out the last time they formed a posse.

After losing the oar, it's shown that Autumn's little boat also has a motor. Sadly, it refuses to start. Then Hunter asks Autumn why they even made the trip, as she's never been interested in anything paranormal up to that point. She claims that she just thought it would be fun. Hunter tells her that they'll probably drift until they reach the dam, where the boat will be destroyed.

That guy has another nightmare, and decides to wander through his house some more. He passes in front of a blue light, so that you can clearly see his shadow on the wall. Then, while he's FACING the light, another shadow passes his. Get what I'm saying?

Instead of giving us a scene where a killer sneaks around behind our guy, he sneaks around RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. This goes beyond stupid, really. I mean, I can't remember off-hand what the lowest-rated movie was for this blog, but this one deserves a special trophy. I can almost guarantee that I will never see a slasher as bad as this one. Almost. But there's always next week...

Anyway, our insomniac(Harvey Hix! I can't believe I forgot who he was!) wanders outside, and he gets snatched up by the drunk guys. Then they go to the gas station, where the attendant sees Harvey covered up in the back of their truck. They convince him to keep quiet, and give him some extra cash to keep him silent.

After the truck takes off, the gas station guy calls the deputy. He reports seeing someone being kidnapped, then adds that they bought a good amount of boat fuel at the station. Yet again, the deputy hangs up on the caller before they realize what's happened. That guy's an asshole.

The deputy informs Will about the group with the truck, then makes another call. The truck arrives at the dock, and the plan is revealed: They're going to take out 2 boats onto the river. They'll be in the main boat, but Hix will be tied up in a rowboat behind them. They'll drag his boat out to the spot where the Jacobs clan was dumped, and offer him up as a sacrifice to the angry spirits.

They head out on the water, and Will asks another boater to take him out on the river. As they approach the posse, they talk about the murders, and Will explains that the idea that the Jacobs brothers are killing folks has one huge flaw: Why now? Why didn't they just kill Harvey Hix and the rest of the vigilantes years ago, if they could rise from the dead? Good question. Methinks this one might actually have a plot twist at the end.

They spot a boat, but it's the college students. Will stops to rescue them, and tells them that they're safe, which of course mean that they aren't. Hunter gets killed almost immediately, with an ax to his skull. The killer starts after Autumn, but Will shoots at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. The zombie stares at the wound, then just says, "Already dead."

He tosses Autumn aside, then tries to suffocate the sheriff. Will plunges a knife into his shoulder, but it gets tossed into the river. The killer searches for his victims, and a noose gets dropped around his neck. As Will grabs the rifle and attempts to finish him off, the zombie vanishes into thin air.

Now they really do find the right boat up ahead, so they kill the lights and the engine. Clark's buddy hits something in the water, so they all decide to set Hix adrift right there. And that's when Will finds them, and points a rifle at the drunken trio.

While, they argue back and forth over Hix, the 3 Jacobs zombies emerge from the fog. Harvey Hix drifts toward the dead men(who seem to be able to walk on water) in the raft, and he starts to pray. Just as he reaches them, he gets a bullet to the head. It was Autumn who fired the shot. The zombies raise their weapons, and vigorously begin to hack and slash at poor Harvey's body.

Autumn tearfully says that he was her grandfather. Then we see her sitting in the snow again, and she resumes her narration. It turns out that Harvey, her grandfather, had also raped her mother. She looks up and smiles at the camera. THE END

Laaaaaaame. I mean, how lousy does a movie have to be to be worse than the worst movie I've ever seen? Minimal blood, terrible acting, no nudity...it's the triple-threat of sucky films! And I survived. .5 killer trees out of 5. Yeah, this one doesn't even earn a full point.

And what did I learn from River of Darkness?

-Turds float.

-Somewhere in these United States, there is a town filled with beefy lunkheads.

-You can miss seeing killers, even if they stand between you and the only light source.

Next up: Mama. I had hoped to see either Child's Play or Pumpkinhead next, but both were pushed back by Netflix, so Mama came in early. October's a tough time to rent slashers, huh? I have no idea if Mama qualifies or not, but if not, there'll be another delay until I can get an alternative movie to see.

Dying Breed

\Man, it's been a crazy week! I joined a gym and a dating site, I've been getting hooked on some of the new fall shows(mostly Super Fun Night and Brooklyn-99), and now, we get to watch this Australian slasher film together! G'day mates, and get ready for SPOILERS!

Okay, so right off the top, we get thrown some fun facts: Apparently, Australia was a penal colony for Britain, between 1788 and 1868. In the region now known as Tasmania, a convict by the name of Alexander Pearce aka The Pieman, actually escaped. And...AND??? Ugh, less than a minute in, and this one's already pissing me off. Yeah, this'll be a fun time.

Now we get some guy running through some trees, chased by men with dogs. The year is 1820, and the man on the run is The Pieman. An armed officer has him backed up against a tree, but the gun misfires at the last second. The Pieman fights back, biting into the neck and shoulder of his opponent.

After The Pieman removes a good chunk of the other man's flesh, a wild cat from the jungle shows up. The killer uses the cop's body to distract the beast, then continues with his escape. Then, on with the opening credits. Leigh Whannell, from the Saw franchise is in this one, as is one of the co-stars of another Australian slasher flick, Wolf Creek. Rent that one if you haven't seen it, it's brutal.

Anyway, we meet an unnamed couple on an airplane. They're meeting up with a guy named Jack, to apparently look for an elusive tiger in Tasmania. Matt is the husband, and his wife, Nina, has hired Jack to not only track this tiger, but also investigate how her sister died while also searching for this animal. Oh, and Jack's bringing his gtirlfriend, Rebecca, along for the fun.

Rebecca and Nina get to know each other on the long car ride, and we discover that Nina and her sister had been out of contact with each other for a few years. Oh, and proof that this tiger exists is worth a million dollars. Sounds good to me.

They come to a stop at the ominous-sounding Pieman River, and get out of the car. Rebecca starts to snap some photographs, and they all see a sign advising them to hit a helpful call button if they require assistance. Being a "Jack" ass, Jack pretends to get electrocuted when he presses the button.

Still sitting in the car, Nina stares at a picture of her sister. This provokes a flashback, showing that there was a pretty brutal death by drowning. The corpse had no teeth left,and an eel slithered out of her mouth during the preliminary exam. Nina snaps out of the memory as a boat arrives to take them across the river.

While Matt and Jack wait for the boat to get closer, Rebecca has been taking a dump in the trees. During this process, she gets the feeling that someone is watching her. She runs all the way back to the car, where she joins Nina in the back seat. The boat tows the car onto a ramp, then they cross the river.

Matt wanders around the deck, then hears a child reciting the Simple Simon nursery rhyme. The kid looks creepy and angry, and bites Matt when he gets too close. Matt sheepishly admits that it was probably his fault for getting too close. When they get the car back on land, Rebecca compares the little girl to a monster from The X-Files.

Another Nina flashback: She's presenting her research of this Tasmanian Tiger to a group that she hopes will fund her trip, but they seem very skeptical. After several interruptions, she shows them a photograph of a massive paw print, apparently confirming the existence of the Tasmanian Tiger.

Back in the present, Nina swerves off of the road, because she thinks she sees someone standing there. Jack then looks for damage, and insists on being the one to drive. The journey comes to an end around sundown, and they pull into a "town" where the few buildings are all named after the infamous Pieman.

Rebecca steps into the local bar to use the bathroom(What, is her bladder the size of a thimble?), while the others have a look around. As the locals gawk at Rebecca, Nina peeks into a house, where she spots something that looks an awful lot like a bowl filled with teeth. What happened to her sister, again? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Jack decides to be a dick, and slashes one of the tires on a truck he leans against. Wow, this is the nicest group ever! While Nina also checks out the toilet situation, Matt asks about renting a room for the night. The woman behind the bar refuses to give him a room, but an older man named Harvey offers to let them crash at his place. Oh, and the bathroom is more disgusting than any slasher I've seen since I started writing this blog...

A young guy named Gareth discovers that his truck now has a mysteriously flat tire, so he heads out to change it. While doing so, he exchanges a greeting with another local named Liam. Then Matt, Nina and their friends order a meal at the bar. It's pie.

Nina asks the locals about the rumors of the tiger, and Harvey scoffs at the idea. But an old man serving the drinks says otherwise, and amuses them with his re-enactment of a tiger attack. Then he takes out his teeth and tries to get Nina to dance with him.

Jack and Matt go out to the vehicle to unpack their supplies and clothes, and Jack discovers that Gareth got back at his trick with the tire, by leaving a long scratch on his precious truck. As he examines the damage, a vicious dog leaps out from the darkness, snarling and snapping at him.

As they get settled for the night, Matt apologizes to Nina for both Jack's boorish behavior, and the addition of Nina to the group. She says that she's fine, then shows him some information she discovered about the region, including the Pieman's Curse. Jinkies!

Anyway, she has newspaper articles about the supposed curse, dating back all the way to 1954. Matt doesn't believe that the disappearances stem from a curse, because people disappear every day. He doesn't even get fazed when Nina mentions the cannibalism, or that the girl who bit him earlier was singing about the cannibal.

Then we get an abrupt shift, as we see Jack and Rebecca screwing like rabbits. The lights suddenly go out, and Rebecca freaks out when she hears someone in the room with them. Jack chases the person, and the others in the house check on Rebecca.

Jack catches up to the guy, then blames him for both scratching his vehicle, and being a pervert. He beats the kid up and leaves him on the ground, where he's both bleeding and laughing. Then the kid is attacked from behind, but seems to know his attacker.

Rebecca is pretty upset about being peeped on. While Nina calms her down, both Jack and Matt make sure that she knows that it's been handled. The rest of the evening is trouble-free.

They set out for the dreaded search in the morning, but Nina forgets her camera in the car. She goes back for it, but gets the feeling that someone is spying on her. When she takes a look around, she finds the bar owner killing puppies. Apparently, the pups were the product of inbreeding. Dead puppies, dead puppies, they don't come when you call!

The biter from the ferry tries to get Nina to play with her, but Nina just wants to get going. The kid follows her. As Nina's on the verge of blowing her top, the kid's father fetches her and Matt arrives. Everyone goes back to what they were doing. The foursome take a boat out on the water, as the puppy killin' mama watches them leave.

The river ends at a crude dam, but it's not marked on Matt's map. They see someone watching them from a distant bridge, and decide to look for a different route. The mysterious stranger vanishes. Mysteriously.

They get to a marshy area that makes Camp Crystal Lake look like Disney World. As they step onto dry land again, Jack reveals that he brought along a hefty crossbow. Nina doesn't approve, but Matt talks her down from having a hissy fit.

After hiking for a little while in sullen silence, Jack sings a marching drill to amuse the others: I don't know what you've told/Becky's ass is solid gold!/Sound off/1, 2, 3, 4! Anyone want to take bets on whether or not he gets killed first?

They decide to set up camp after about 15 kilometers, and Jack discovers a cave. Everybody else seems happy to explore, except for Rebecca. They continue in without her, and she pouts. They find a beer bottle inside, then Rebecca joins them, because she heard some thunder.

Nina looks for evidence of the tiger around the trees and on the ground, and even collects some samples in a bag. Then she nearly sprains her ankle, discovering a hole in the ground in the process. Nina tries to relax by taking a picture of a cute bunny, but Jack and his weapon kill da wabbit. But-de but-de-but-de, that's all folks!

She and Jack square off, each one accusing the other of ruining the trip. Then we see that the boat has drifted away, leaving the unaware group stranded. Well, I'm sure THAT won't lead to a fight!

Jack skins the rabbit back at the campfire, and Rebecca is disgusted by the sight. Then she spots the samples that Nina collected, and realizes that they're animal feces. Jack struggles as if in great pain, then holds the rabbit carcass in Rebecca's face to make her scream. Dead animals and poop...these folks must be a blast at a yankee swap!

While they all sleep, Nina dreams about her sister. In the dream, she's being hunted through the woods, and men and dogs are chasing her, just like the Pie Man was chased. As they catch up to her at the edge of a cliff, the dream ends...and it turns out to be a dream that an old man was having. Huh? That was some pretty sloppy editing.

The old man gets up to splash some cold water on his face, then notices a mess outside his daughter's room. He calls out her name, Katie, several times, waking up his wife in the process. She begs him to find Katie.

Matt wakes up, and hears something moving near the cave. When he gets up to take a look, he wakes up Nina as well. They see movement in the forest a few feet away, and a flashlight reveals the legendary Tasmanian Tiger, peering out at them. Nina rushes back to the campsite to fetch her camera, and wakes up the other couple.

The tiger has wandered away during the commotion, so they decide to see if they can track it. They get divided in the trees, and Rebecca uses her phone a as a flashlight, my least-favorite of the new cliches in modern horror films. She scans her surroundings, nearly dying of fright when she encounters the nasty little biter from the ferry.

While Rebecca tries to ask the child some basic questions, someone shines a light on them. Rebecca turns to see who it is, and is attacked. She cries out, then goes bye-bye. Damn, I just lost the bet! Did anyone have Rebecca in the betting pool?

Nina is wandering around looking for clues, but doesn't seem close enough to hear Rebecca crying out. Rebecca is soon dead, and her killer removes her tongue with his teeth. The little kid just stands there and watches.

Nina thinks that she found the tiger, but only Matt turns up. They regroup with Jack, and suddenly realize that they're now a trio. Jack calls out to Rebecca, and Matt comments to Nina that they should be close enough to hear her, and vice versa. Uh, y'mean like the way that Nina heard all of the noise Rebecca made while she was being murdered? How did that work out?

Nina tells them about the hidden tunnel she tripped over earlier, then the others realize that she has blood on her legs. Jack begs her to tell him where she was walking, and he goes off in search of his girlfriend. Nina gets hysterical, so Matt leaves her stranded to join Jack. What a thoughtful boyfriend, huh?

Jack gets deep into the woods looking for Rebecca. Nina heads into the cave, where she gets weepy again while looking at the picture of her sister. Matt joins her, claiming to have lost Jack. Wouldn't it be weird if there was a Saw-style plot twist, and Matt was a cannibal? Well, considering that I was wrong about my last hunch, forget I said anything.

Our favorite little ankle-biter shows up, covered in blood. Matt asks the little girl where the blood came from, then Harvey shows up, along with another townie. He sort of offers to help them, and they sort of agree. As they all exit the cave, someone nearby can be seen some human flesh.

Nina asks the townie if he knew her sister. He admits that he did, and that she stayed there for about a year, looking for the mysterious tiger. Then he makes a cryptic comment about a "bitch in heat", and continues toward the village. They reluctantly keep following him.

He leads them deeper into the woods, and Matt demands to know where they are. It turns out that the guy was leading them to the abandoned mine, on the theory that maybe Rebecca and Jack might have wandered in somehow. Then he contradicts his idea, when he has to kick down an iron gate to even get inside. Isn't logic fun, kids? The good news is, I think we must be getting near the end of this thing...

The weird townie triggers a bear trap(which he gleefully calls a "man trap"), then tells them that they'll have to search by themselves. He promises to meet them at the other end, and they decide that they can trust him. However, when they enter the mine, he stays at the entrance, just staring into the dark tunnel.

They make their way slowly down the dark tunnel, avoiding the few traps(1?) they see. The exit at the other end is eventually visible, and there's someone there. Jack? We know it's not the guy who showed them the entrance, because he's seen still standing where they left him. As they chase after the figure, the townie decides that he should follow them.

The townie steps out of the mine, but Nina and Matt are nowhere to be seen. He hears somebody moving toward him, and calls them Rowan. As he begs Rowan not to kill any more innocent victims, someone with a grey beard attacks him. Harvey, maybe? And who the heck is Rowan?

Our main couple decide to return to the tunnel. Then we see Jack, crossbow in hand, as he finds some bloody remains on the ground. How is this dipwad still alive? That just pisses me off, man.

When Matt and Nina arrive back at the mineshaft tunnel, they see blood on the ground near the entrance. Matt sees an object in the blood, which turns out to be a hunk of human flesh. As he drops it in sisgust, Jack gets spooked by a local who calls out to him. He accidentally fires his crossbow, and the bolt passes through the cheek of an old man, impaling him on a tree. Ouch!

The trio of "friends" reunite, and then Jack shows the other two what he did. When Matt and Nina question him, they discover that he found Rebecca's coat, her phone, and a few other things that belonged to her, all covered in blood. Despite his misgivings, they pull the old man off of the tree.

He agrees to lead them out of the woods, and takes them to a cabin(in the woods, YES!) instead. They ask him who lives there, and he says that it belongs to the biter's father. Terrific. Oh, and as if we needed to be reminded that Matt is the worst boyfriend in the galaxy, he tells Nina to remain outside with the weird old guy. Yeah, real sharp thinking there, Matt.

Jack leads the way into the small home, and they find tables and shelves full of human remains. Then they enter a small kitchen area, and spot something boiling on the stove, but it's only wet clothing. Matt waves to Nina to show her that all is well.

Nina hears a noise in the woods, and the old man indicates that she should remain calm and silent. Jack and Matt go behind the house, where they find Rebecca's torso hanging from a tree. As he freaks out, a bear trap grabs him by the throat. Nina hears the yelling and screaming, and the old man urges her to go to them.

She tries to pry the trap off of Jack's neck, but it's way too late to save him. Hip hip hooray! Jack emits one last gurgle, then Matt urges Nina to leave with him. As Matt spies a jeep near the house, he urges Nina to stay by the body. Wow. What's worse, that he keeps putting her in danger, or that she keeps agreeing to do whatever he wants?

Nina sees the old man scurry into the house, so she follows him. While Matt realizes that the jeep is deader than disco, Nina is attacked by the old man, who now has a very large knife at her throat. He gloats that he and the other villagers come from a long line of cannibals and hunters.

A chase begins, and Matt hears the ruckus. He picks up a nearby hatchet, then tries to follow them. As Nina gets to the mineshaft, Matt finds a secret tunnel under the cannibal shack. He yells Nina's name, and she stops and looks back into the dark tunnel. Then she continues her escape.

Matt has only a flimsy lighter, but it shows him that he's found a stash of old bones and other things that the cannibals have dumped. Nina trips and hurts her ankle, but limps away, until she realizes that she's now at the top of that bridge near the dam. Matt sees her when he emerges from the tunnel and shouts her name.

Matt tries to climb up to her, but then one of the older cannibals corners poor Nina. The old man who brought them to the house is on the other side of the bridge. Matt watches as the 2 old men close in on her, and they reveal that they need her alive, to produce more offspring. Nina defies them by jumping off of the bridge.

Matt sees her die, then resumes trying to escape. As he climbs his way up to the bridge, the elder cannibal leans over the railing to look for Nina's body. The woman from the tavern then stabs him, making yet another reference to killing pups. Dead puppies, dead-dead-dead-dead dead puppies, they're no fun at allll....

When Matt finally gets to the bridge, he mistakenly thinks that the woman killed Nina. As he yells at her, she withdraws a knife from her pocket, then slits her own throat. Matt watches her die at his feet.

The police arrive, and Harvey urges Matt to return to the city until the investigation is over. Matt is preoccupied, just staring at Rebecca's pink phone. He hands it to the cops, who throw it into a box with other physical evidence. As Matt gets in his car, he begins to choke on something.

There's a brief glimpse at a drink he was sipping earlier, then someone drags him out of the vehicle. Harvey has taken him to a slaughterhouse, and tied him down. Then Harvey enters another room, where Matt sees that they have Jack tied up as well. Then the little kid sits on Matt's lap, and reveals that his teeth are very, very sharp.

There's some more text about how 250 people have vanished in Tasmania, but no human remains have been found. Then we see the cops again, and the cell phone reveals that a picture of the elusive tiger does actually exist. THE END

Boy, I'm not sure how to rate this one. The kills and the concept were good, but the plotholes and dumb characters kind of ruined it. 3 out of 5,I guess...you can decide whether or not to deduct another point for not killing Jack first.

And what did Dying Breed teach me?

-Well, Australia sucks for tourists.

-Never let your friend Jack go on vacation with you.

-If a tiger wants to play Hide & Seek, LET HIM WIN.

Next up is either Child's Play, or River of Darkness. Or whatever they send me, if those aren't available. Whatever, it's all good.