Here it is, the swansong of the It's Alive franchise. It's Alive! 3: Island of the Alive is a very '80's, very silly horror flick. It begins with a woman in a taxi, about to give birth. It's a generic "dark and stormy night" scenario, and the driver of the cab demands that a street cop help out with the delivery(incidentally, neither the cop nor the cabbie seem to be looking at each other during this scene...the angles are just kind of "off"). We all know, of course, what's about to happen...
So, after the woman begins thrusting her hips up and down(is she having the baby, or making it?), she pulls up her shirt to reveal a bloody basketball under her shirt. Seriously, I haven't seen a pregnancy so fake since Debbie Rowe met Michael Jackson. In a weird way, it reminded me of the decapitation scene in Chopping Mall, where I swore that I saw watermelon seeds flying out of the "exploding head". Eh, whatever--rookie cop fires away at the baby, and we're OFF!!
Our favorite monster-baby hunting cop, Perkins, returns in this film. He is called to the scene because of his experience with Mutant Muppet Babies. I guess he's the guy you want when there's a baby to shoot. Anyway, he and some backup officers find the baby by following a trail of blood into a church. They discover the baby, dead, after apparently trying to perform a self-baptism. Under a scene depicting cherubs and angels. Very subtle.
The credits start rolling, and right away we're in trouble. The credits are rolling over what resembles a lava lamp spill. The cast includes Karen Black, a completely off-the-wall Michael Moriarty, and the always-great Gerrit Graham(seriously, go watch CHUD 2 and the 1-season TV series "Now and Again", and bask in his greatness as a comedic actor. I'll pause the review 'til you're done.).
Okay, so now we're in court. A judge is hearing the pros and cons of mujrdering the Monster Muppet Babies, and the judge is teetering verrrrrrrrrrrry close to letting them commit mass infanticide. Frustrated by how things are going, Jarvis, the father of one of the babies and a failed actor, tries to show the court a different aspect of the monsters' personalities. Moved by what he sees, the judge decides that, while the mutant babies can live, they should be shipped off to an island near Cuba, away from other humans.
Oh, and there's a pointlessly long-winded scene where Karen Black and Jarvis have a confrontation in a bar. At one point, you can actually see her brain explode, when a plume of smoke rises from her head. Seriously. Deep thought makes her head smoke. Jarvis then shares a few awkward moments with a hooker, and humiliates himself at a party.
There's a (mostly) pointless sequence where a guy who looks EXACTLY like Michael McDonald's swinger character from "MADtv" is leading a small group of hunters to the island to kill the babies. The hunt is, of course, sponsored by the drug company from the previous films. Wanna guess how successful they are?
Anyway, cut to four years later: the proud papa is working at a shoe store when he is approached by Perkins. There's going to be an expedition to the island, to see how the mutants have developed in the last four years. Basically, if you've ever seen the Jurassic Park sequel, The Lost World, you've pretty much seen this film. Still here? Okay...after several silly, joke-y scenes on a boat, the crew arrives at Baby Island.
The crew consists of about 6 people: there's Jarvis, of course; Perkins; the token female; and a handful of generic "guys with guns and equipment". Jarvis sneaks off and tries to plea with the monsters to let them leave alive, but the hunters find him and force him to help in the search. Bad idea.
The babies terrify them, and kill about 3 or four of the "professional hunters", for food. Jarvis and Perkins get back to the yacht, only to discover that some of the babies made it there first, killing the crew. Freaked out, Perkins falls overboard and swims back to the island. This leaves Jarvis alone with the killer babies. Good news, the mutant son he had is protecting him from the others. The bad news, he gets thrown overboard anyway, and picked up by Cubans who assume he's a spy.
They hear his story, and eventually believe him. Of course, the news about the discovery of the boatful of corpses helps lend authenticity to his story. They bring him to Florida, which has become a Mad Max movie for some reason. Jarvis realizes the babies are on a killing spree, and goes back to the club where his ex works. She's been kidnapped, and the search begins!
The babies find her before Jarvis does, but he arrives at her apartment with a gun. He tries to reason with them, but the cops are all set to open fire. There's a very cheezy massacre scene, and a revelation: the mutant babies are dying. Mumps. Jarvis, his ex and their baby escape, steal a car, and decide to be a family. There's a lot of fake laughter, followed by a twist so unsurprising I don't think I even blinked. This one gets 4 outta 5 baby-eating trees, for the sheer batshittedness of the movie, and Moriarty's crazy performance. 1980's drugs looked like fun.
So, what did this slasher flick teach me?
-when babies age, they don't bcome children, but bigger babies. Take THAT, science!
-In the '80's, Michael Moriarty did a LOT of drugs when deciding which movies to make.
-babies, especially 4 year old babies, prefer to eat human flesh and wear the clothes of their victims.
-I can sit through anything twice...(fell asleep the 1st time I put this DVD in, during the early boat scenes)
Next week: NO killer babies!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Unless something cataclysmic happens(like someone gives me another killer-baby movie to watch), I'll be seeing The Hills Run Red. Sounds like one of those "Asylum Mockbuster" versions of The Hills Have Eyes, but maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised...
*sigh*
Showing posts with label killer baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label killer baby. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
It Lives Again!
Same monster, different day...
This time around, I watched It's Alive 2: It Lives Again!, the continuing saga of the Monster Muppet Babies. Yup, you heard right, BABIES, plural. Three, in fact. Nobody puts Babies in a corner!
Father of the year, Frank, is back, minus his wife and son. This time around, the drug company from the first movie has been covering up the scandalous killer baby massacre. Apparently, Frank's baby was just the first mutation: others have been popping up, with alarming frequency, and the company's solution is to track down couples with a particular set of genes, accost them in the O.R., and take or kill the babies before the parents even see them.
Well, since Frank knows the babies can be reasoned with, he's had a change of heart. Travelling all over the country, Frank finds couple who are having babies under the right set of circumstances and tells them his story. He then offers them a chance to be whisked away to have their Monster Muppet Babies, before the government can intervene. His latest rescue attempt? Jody and Eugene Scott, two comedically dramatic, intense people who remind me of Sarah Silverman and a sleazy Ed Norton. I'll let YOU decide which one's which.
Frank crashes their baby shower and waits for all the guests to leave so that he can try to tell them in relative privacy who he is. At first, they of course scoff at him....until he shows them, by way of the goon across the street watching their house, just how much danger the baby is in. They agree to at least hear him out later that night, and he leaves them with his phone number.
And guess what happens next? Yup, Sarah Silverman goes into labor, and Fight Club tries to get her packed and to the hospital. He even calls Frank, who has been distracted, and fails to get back to his motel room in time. The couple gets to the hospital, only to find a veritable army of police officers waiting for their arrival.
Lucky for them(?), Frank arrives in the nick of time, steals some scrubs to disguise himself, and bursts into the O.R., demanding the baby and the couple at gunpoint. They kidnap a Mafia boss moonlighting as a surgeon(seriously, he's an elderly, menacing-looking mafia-type, playing a doctor...WTF???), and have an exciting, pulse-pounding car chase. Okay, not really, but at least I tried...) Yeah, they get away, because they switch vehicles in a tunnel, that fortress of ingenious design. Uh huh. And the truck is big enough to carry the couple, Frank, another team of doctors, and a ton of medical equipment and computers. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Pull the other leg, movie.)
So, the baby is delivered, and promptly placed in a cage, because everyone in the film forgot that scaring these things is a bad idea. Great. He(?) is brought to a secret lab, where it is revealed that there are two more It-Babies, also in cages. Meanwhile, Jody and Eugene, the not-so-proud parents are in another area of this secret compound, trying to repair their relationship. Remove the killer babies, and this would be on Lifetime, starring Melissa Joan Hart and Luke Perry. Turns out their marriage is pretty much kaput, as she believes he is the reason the baby came out as a monster. Happy Father's Day!!
In the least shocking twist ever presented in the history of films, the three Muppet Monsters escape their cages and attack. The scientists die, the evil corporate guys, even Frank is killed during the "excitement". There's even a morbidly funny scene where the babies attack a child's birthday party. And yet, Eugene starts to come around and see his baby as something less monstrous. Awwwwwwwww. I hope they started a scrapbook: Baby's First Step; Baby's First Fang; Baby's First Decapitated Stranger. Sweet.
Anyway, the movie eventually cops out and ends the same way the first one did, by having Eugene shoot his child. Wow, very original. Still, you get a better look at the monsters this time around, and the (unintentional?) humor is improved as well. Not bad for a movie that asks you to be afraid of little pudgy ankle-biters. Plus you get a really great WTF-esque moment where the geezer Mafia Doc reveals that one of the mutant babies is HIS!!! The guy is old enough to have been the doctor who delivered Adam and Eve's firstborn, so there's an image I didn't need in my head. How old was the baby mama???
The third film in the series, It's Alive! 3: Island of the Alive, will be next in line. It Lives Again, just for the kooky factor, gets 4 baby-eating trees outta 5.
This time around, I watched It's Alive 2: It Lives Again!, the continuing saga of the Monster Muppet Babies. Yup, you heard right, BABIES, plural. Three, in fact. Nobody puts Babies in a corner!
Father of the year, Frank, is back, minus his wife and son. This time around, the drug company from the first movie has been covering up the scandalous killer baby massacre. Apparently, Frank's baby was just the first mutation: others have been popping up, with alarming frequency, and the company's solution is to track down couples with a particular set of genes, accost them in the O.R., and take or kill the babies before the parents even see them.
Well, since Frank knows the babies can be reasoned with, he's had a change of heart. Travelling all over the country, Frank finds couple who are having babies under the right set of circumstances and tells them his story. He then offers them a chance to be whisked away to have their Monster Muppet Babies, before the government can intervene. His latest rescue attempt? Jody and Eugene Scott, two comedically dramatic, intense people who remind me of Sarah Silverman and a sleazy Ed Norton. I'll let YOU decide which one's which.
Frank crashes their baby shower and waits for all the guests to leave so that he can try to tell them in relative privacy who he is. At first, they of course scoff at him....until he shows them, by way of the goon across the street watching their house, just how much danger the baby is in. They agree to at least hear him out later that night, and he leaves them with his phone number.
And guess what happens next? Yup, Sarah Silverman goes into labor, and Fight Club tries to get her packed and to the hospital. He even calls Frank, who has been distracted, and fails to get back to his motel room in time. The couple gets to the hospital, only to find a veritable army of police officers waiting for their arrival.
Lucky for them(?), Frank arrives in the nick of time, steals some scrubs to disguise himself, and bursts into the O.R., demanding the baby and the couple at gunpoint. They kidnap a Mafia boss moonlighting as a surgeon(seriously, he's an elderly, menacing-looking mafia-type, playing a doctor...WTF???), and have an exciting, pulse-pounding car chase. Okay, not really, but at least I tried...) Yeah, they get away, because they switch vehicles in a tunnel, that fortress of ingenious design. Uh huh. And the truck is big enough to carry the couple, Frank, another team of doctors, and a ton of medical equipment and computers. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Pull the other leg, movie.)
So, the baby is delivered, and promptly placed in a cage, because everyone in the film forgot that scaring these things is a bad idea. Great. He(?) is brought to a secret lab, where it is revealed that there are two more It-Babies, also in cages. Meanwhile, Jody and Eugene, the not-so-proud parents are in another area of this secret compound, trying to repair their relationship. Remove the killer babies, and this would be on Lifetime, starring Melissa Joan Hart and Luke Perry. Turns out their marriage is pretty much kaput, as she believes he is the reason the baby came out as a monster. Happy Father's Day!!
In the least shocking twist ever presented in the history of films, the three Muppet Monsters escape their cages and attack. The scientists die, the evil corporate guys, even Frank is killed during the "excitement". There's even a morbidly funny scene where the babies attack a child's birthday party. And yet, Eugene starts to come around and see his baby as something less monstrous. Awwwwwwwww. I hope they started a scrapbook: Baby's First Step; Baby's First Fang; Baby's First Decapitated Stranger. Sweet.
Anyway, the movie eventually cops out and ends the same way the first one did, by having Eugene shoot his child. Wow, very original. Still, you get a better look at the monsters this time around, and the (unintentional?) humor is improved as well. Not bad for a movie that asks you to be afraid of little pudgy ankle-biters. Plus you get a really great WTF-esque moment where the geezer Mafia Doc reveals that one of the mutant babies is HIS!!! The guy is old enough to have been the doctor who delivered Adam and Eve's firstborn, so there's an image I didn't need in my head. How old was the baby mama???
The third film in the series, It's Alive! 3: Island of the Alive, will be next in line. It Lives Again, just for the kooky factor, gets 4 baby-eating trees outta 5.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
It's Alive!
In the 39 years I've been alive, I've seen millions of movies, and a great many have been slasher films--hey, I guess I'm just lucky enough to have great taste in cinema, right? Anyway, in that time, I've seen my share of weird slasher-flick villains: Psycho doctors? Check. Summer camp killers? Ohhhh, yeah. Killers possessing inanimate object? Yep. But you know what I never thought of? Killer Babies.
Yes, Killer Babies. I've watched It's Alive(both the original 1970's "classic", and the recent remake, both via Netflix Instant) and It Lives Again and It's Alive 3: Island of the Alive on a double-sided DVD. Oh baby!
The first film in the It's Alive franchise is about an advertising executive and his wife, Frank and Lenore. They have a son and another baby on the way. On the day the Lenore starts going into labor though, SOMETHING GOES WRONG!!!!! *gasp* It seems that there was a minor massacre in the delivery room, killing everyone except for the mother and the baby, who fled out through a window and left Mama to take the rap. Naturally, Lenore is accused of murder, and an investigation follows. Mom is allowed eventually to return home, but still under what is pretty much house arrest. And one question remains: how does a woman giving birth kill a roomful of medical personnel while strapped down to a table???
We learn fairly quickly that the answer is, "She doesn't." Her baby does. See, when Lenore first knew she was preggers she decided to abort the fetus by way of an experimental medication. Then, when she changed her mind, she went to the other extreme and tried fertility drugs. All those drugs, plus cigarettes, alcohol, recreational drugs and whatever-the-hell-else she decided to ingest, all of it mutated the baby. In the first movie you don't really see the monster baby much, but in the other films it resembles a fat version of the monsters in the Ghoulies franchise...so, pretty much like a normal baby, really.
Anyway one cop, Perkins, knows something weird is going on. He starts visiting the couple, interviewing them more and more, and doing deep background checks. By the way, Perkins is in all 3 of the It's Alive movies--although by the third film, he seems shoehorned into the plot. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but the guy's a riot...sort of like Norm on "Cheers" if they could pry him off of that barstool. (oh, and apparently the actor passed away, so forget about ever seeing him in any future killer baby films)
So the parents are kind of stuck: the baby is on the loose, killing pretty much everyone it encounters, they're being scrutinized 24-7, and the pharmaceutical company responsible for the drugs that mutated the baby in the first place have coerced the authorities into trying to hunt it down so it can be dissected/studied. Frank pretty much cracks under pressure, what with having his Baby Mama deliver a Baby Monster, so he gets his hands on a gun and decides to kill the baby himself. I mean, hey, it's not like his wife will ever want to carry HIS baby ever again, and he loses his cushy job, so what's a monster breeder to do?
Well, the baby ends up breaking into a school. While Frank is helping investigators look there for the baby, Lenore finds It first, and hides it in the basement. Dr. Spock must've loved this film's parenting advice. While It is exploring his dank, dark new home, he meets Frank and Lenore's older son, whose name completely escapes me at the moment. Let's see, he could be considered the Sibling Hero of It, right? So let's just refer to him as SHIt.
So SHIt tries reasoning with It, and it turns out that It only kills because he's frightened. Kind of like that time I rode a roller coaster at Six Flags and decapitated everyone waiting in line after I got out. Because THAT is just the most normal reaction to fear ever, right? But I digress: Frank interupts the SHItstorm, and wins Father of the Year trophies by shooting It. It escapes AGAIN(C'MON, mutant or not, it's a freakin' BABY fer Petes' sake!), and after ditching his handgun, Frank gets his hands on a shotgun. Yee-ha, it's turning into a tame episode of Jerry Springer now!
He tracks the thing to the sewers, and realizes exactly what his non-monster son realized about 2 scenes earlier: Baby It is just scared. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Any bets on how monstrous his diaper must be at this point? Frank picks his son up, apologizes for shooting him, and walks out of the sewer with It in his arms. Best Father's Day card EVER. Too bad the cops waiting outside weren't watching the previous 10 minutes of the film, because they open fire on It, giving him a circumcision he'll never forget. As the movie winds down, there's a call over the police radio: Another monster-baby has been born, this time in Seattle. Was he ever in a grunge band, I wonder? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN 4 killer trees, just for the batshit-craziness of it all.
So, after watching all of this nonsense, what lessons have I walked away with this week?
-Muppet Babies are hard to kill.
-I can get through an entire movie recap without even once making fun of a name like "Lenore".
-Lead actors in movies from the 1970's didn't need to look good or know how to act to get work in Hollywood.
Join me next time as I go make boom-boom in the diaper that is It's Alive 2:It Lives Again! Cootchy-coo, mofo's!
Yes, Killer Babies. I've watched It's Alive(both the original 1970's "classic", and the recent remake, both via Netflix Instant) and It Lives Again and It's Alive 3: Island of the Alive on a double-sided DVD. Oh baby!
The first film in the It's Alive franchise is about an advertising executive and his wife, Frank and Lenore. They have a son and another baby on the way. On the day the Lenore starts going into labor though, SOMETHING GOES WRONG!!!!! *gasp* It seems that there was a minor massacre in the delivery room, killing everyone except for the mother and the baby, who fled out through a window and left Mama to take the rap. Naturally, Lenore is accused of murder, and an investigation follows. Mom is allowed eventually to return home, but still under what is pretty much house arrest. And one question remains: how does a woman giving birth kill a roomful of medical personnel while strapped down to a table???
We learn fairly quickly that the answer is, "She doesn't." Her baby does. See, when Lenore first knew she was preggers she decided to abort the fetus by way of an experimental medication. Then, when she changed her mind, she went to the other extreme and tried fertility drugs. All those drugs, plus cigarettes, alcohol, recreational drugs and whatever-the-hell-else she decided to ingest, all of it mutated the baby. In the first movie you don't really see the monster baby much, but in the other films it resembles a fat version of the monsters in the Ghoulies franchise...so, pretty much like a normal baby, really.
Anyway one cop, Perkins, knows something weird is going on. He starts visiting the couple, interviewing them more and more, and doing deep background checks. By the way, Perkins is in all 3 of the It's Alive movies--although by the third film, he seems shoehorned into the plot. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but the guy's a riot...sort of like Norm on "Cheers" if they could pry him off of that barstool. (oh, and apparently the actor passed away, so forget about ever seeing him in any future killer baby films)
So the parents are kind of stuck: the baby is on the loose, killing pretty much everyone it encounters, they're being scrutinized 24-7, and the pharmaceutical company responsible for the drugs that mutated the baby in the first place have coerced the authorities into trying to hunt it down so it can be dissected/studied. Frank pretty much cracks under pressure, what with having his Baby Mama deliver a Baby Monster, so he gets his hands on a gun and decides to kill the baby himself. I mean, hey, it's not like his wife will ever want to carry HIS baby ever again, and he loses his cushy job, so what's a monster breeder to do?
Well, the baby ends up breaking into a school. While Frank is helping investigators look there for the baby, Lenore finds It first, and hides it in the basement. Dr. Spock must've loved this film's parenting advice. While It is exploring his dank, dark new home, he meets Frank and Lenore's older son, whose name completely escapes me at the moment. Let's see, he could be considered the Sibling Hero of It, right? So let's just refer to him as SHIt.
So SHIt tries reasoning with It, and it turns out that It only kills because he's frightened. Kind of like that time I rode a roller coaster at Six Flags and decapitated everyone waiting in line after I got out. Because THAT is just the most normal reaction to fear ever, right? But I digress: Frank interupts the SHItstorm, and wins Father of the Year trophies by shooting It. It escapes AGAIN(C'MON, mutant or not, it's a freakin' BABY fer Petes' sake!), and after ditching his handgun, Frank gets his hands on a shotgun. Yee-ha, it's turning into a tame episode of Jerry Springer now!
He tracks the thing to the sewers, and realizes exactly what his non-monster son realized about 2 scenes earlier: Baby It is just scared. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Any bets on how monstrous his diaper must be at this point? Frank picks his son up, apologizes for shooting him, and walks out of the sewer with It in his arms. Best Father's Day card EVER. Too bad the cops waiting outside weren't watching the previous 10 minutes of the film, because they open fire on It, giving him a circumcision he'll never forget. As the movie winds down, there's a call over the police radio: Another monster-baby has been born, this time in Seattle. Was he ever in a grunge band, I wonder? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN 4 killer trees, just for the batshit-craziness of it all.
So, after watching all of this nonsense, what lessons have I walked away with this week?
-Muppet Babies are hard to kill.
-I can get through an entire movie recap without even once making fun of a name like "Lenore".
-Lead actors in movies from the 1970's didn't need to look good or know how to act to get work in Hollywood.
Join me next time as I go make boom-boom in the diaper that is It's Alive 2:It Lives Again! Cootchy-coo, mofo's!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)